DH arranges to eat with me, then eats by himself?

[tempname50]

DH has a habit of asking if I want to have lunch together, then eats his standing up in the kitchen whilst making mine, brings my lunch in but announces he has to get back to work/do some chore so I end up eating alone, pissed off and wondering what was the point of asking me to have lunch with him if he has no intention of stopping for lunch?

I wouldn’t have problem if he just said he hasn’t got time, but HE asks me before we start work if I’m free for lunch, then HE asks me again when he comes in if now is a good time for me to stop for lunch. (Never agrees a time in advance btw, or asks when would suit me, just announces he’s stopping for lunch now and I have to either go along with it or not). Then proceeds to wolf down his food before he has got mine ready.

He usually makes lunch as I do the school pick up – I have to fit my workload into a shorter day so I continue working while he gets lunch together. Often I can’t stop, but I make it clear when that is the case. But it’s literally a quick reheat or sandwich job he’s doing, nothing time consuming.

Today he specifically asked if we could chat xmas presents over lunch which I agree to, then he comes in at midday and asks if now was a good time for me to stop, and waves some leftover soup at me asking if I want it, I say yes and start wrapping up the work I was doing so I can stop. He brings me in barely two inches of reheated soup in a mug, doesn’t ask me if I want any bread or anything to go with it. He then goes back to the kitchen. I go into the kitchen to make some buttered toast, it takes 2-3 minutes max. By the time I’m done and bring my toast in to go with my soup he makes it clear he has already eaten and is showing no intention of sitting down, saying he has to pop out.

AIBU to be really pissed off about it? I’ve made it clear to him that I find it pretty rude, he apologises but then keeps doing it.

This sounds like it’s about something bigger than the lunch 🤣

I would just do my own thing. He sounds annoying. I would organise myself only going forward or let him make lunch and enjoy the peace and quiet. I prefer eating lunch alone so I can look at my phone or read a little when working from home, even if my husband is also working from home. We tend to have a quick morning coffee together and do our own lunch arrangement.

What happens on days he doesn’t ask? Do you just get your own lunch? Is he assuming you will come down for the prep? As you would if you were making your own?

Your lunch needs to made first. Either by you or him.

Here is an idea: go to the kitchen with him to prepare both meals.

I think he means "do you want some lunch" rather than " can you join me for lunch" . Other than when he said about discussing christmas and then decided to go out.

Sounds like a tiny way he can influence the structure of your day - probably for him to get attention and focus onto him.

I would say to him, "From now on, stop asking me when I have lunch. Each day is different, I want to decide when I take my break and I want to get lunch myself."

This just hopefully stop this dead. I do think it is his irritating way of being in control of your time.

Oh just talk to him and tell him!

Say no every time and tell him why.

Every time.

Just get in the (hopefully temporary) habit of just saying 'no', and perhaps give a time at which you're intending to have lunch. See what he does with that info.

Just say no I'm too busy now. And take your break when it suits you and make own lunch. Just don't have the expectation of a sit down meal and conversation with him during the working day. That way you won't be disappointed.

Yes, sounds a little frustrating and I’m not sure why he makes the lunches separately: makes his own then eats his while making yours. But it seems clear that this is not just a him problem. You seem to expect him to make lunch for you (and complain too about what he makes you!!!). Why can you not help to make lunch? Clearly he has limited time for lunch and so by the time he’s finished making it he needs to get back on. So the solution would be for you both to stop work at the same time, make lunch together and then eat it.

Not sure why you bother tbh. Just say youll make your own, and let him get on with his.

Expect him to make lunch?? Is that the same as him 'expecting' me to do the school run, or the diy, or project manage our build? Should I not expect him to pull his weight with home life? And if he chooses to take on making lunch then how on earth is that a me problem?

Why would a grown adult need help with reheating soup in the microwave? Do I need to supervise him to ensure that an adequate amount of soup is poured into the mug, and he remembers where the bread bin is? Even my DC can manage this without needing help. This is a man who can make cheese soufflé.

We both wfh about two days a week. If I don't have time to stop and he does he will either make me something to eat while I'm working or I will make my own later on. I used to make lunch for us both before I went back to work.

Have you ever asked him if he’s ready to take lunch and got both of yours ready so you can eat at the same time? Or got something ready and left it in the fridge (sandwiches maybe?) so that when he comes down and asks if you want to eat it’s ready for you both to just have together? Yes, I know you do the school run and it’s his ‘job’ but once every so often wouldn’t hurt, you said it’s always a quick 2 minute job anyway and clearly you want something to change and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to.

No one said you had to supervise him, surely the point of making it together is just to hang out together, not because you think he can’t make lunch. The real problem seems to be that neither of you are willing to prioritise each other occasionally. The law is that you get a 20 minute break, that may not be practical 90% of the time but if you both really cared, you’d carve out a bit of protected time to have lunch together once a month or so. If it’s not a big enough of a deal to do so then just say no and eat separately and don’t let it bother you anymore.

It sounds to me like someone who has been advised to make more time for his wife, do little things together like a date night or plan a lunch together, go for a walk together, do an activity together... Like someone suggested it to him or maybe he read it somewhere that this is what builds strong relationships etc...
So in his head he thinks "oh okay we'll just have lunch together during those days during the week that we both work from home..."

But he's given zero thought as to how this actually works. Like you said, him delivering you a half full mug of soup and that's your lunch? Well that's just ridiculous. And him telling you "when we're going to have lunch and then he doesn't have lunch with you", well that's just rude.

It's like he understood the words but he doesn't understand the meaning of the words. That the point of spending time together such as taking the time to have lunch together is to connect, to show each other that you're important that you're taking the time to do this together. It's like he's doing it mechanically so he can check it off A relationship checklist and say "Well I had lunch with her twice a week every single week and she's still not satisfied"

That's what it kind of sounds like to me. Going through the motions, but it doesn't mean anything. There's no thought put behind it.

So what did he say when you challenged him?

Does he make your lunch every day for you, does he do it out of habit...like I'm making mine now, I'll make yours too, as to not make you something later? Say he makes his own and eats and goes...do you then make yours shortly afterwards.....
Obviously by now you know he won't sit and have lunch with you then why do you say yes like his going to change his stupid ways.

It’s such weird behaviour. You’ve spoken to him and he’s apologized so he’s aware of it. But still does it. What point do you think he’s making? I can’t even think of one reason why someone would come and check if you’re free to talk about Xmas presents and then within ten minutes…wander off without talking about Xmas presents . You say he holds down a responsible job so he’s clearly not chronically absent minded. What is it, do you think?

If you didn’t want to hear people’s thoughts and ideas then why ask?

You raised an issue, I offered a reasonable solution. That if he is rushed for time but you both want to spend some time together at lunch then perhaps a solution would be to make lunch together.

I’m not sure why things done in a household or part of a family have to be added up, we do things, we share the load. If someone’s busy or tired someone might do more one day. But it’s reciprocal and based on care and love rather than tallying who is doing what.

Clearly you only posted because you wanted us to say, ‘yes, he’s a complete bell end, how dare he?’

Based on your response to my and other people’s replies, I’m not sure it’s all him and I now understand why he rushes off so fast…

My question is also about why he makes them separately?

If I'm making sandwiches for two people, I don't completely finish the first person's before cutting the bread and starting the second from the beginning - surely very few people do that?
Most people cut the bread for everyone, butter the bread for all the sandwiches, put lettuce on all of them, and so on... layer by layer...
Perhaps he needs to make a project plan to maximise efficiency before he starts 😝

And does he do the same at dinner?

Just say you'll get your own?! So much over analysing soup or a butty. He's using lunch as a means of control? 🙄Ffs!

It does sound quite annoying. Not entirely unfriendly because he brings you something (two inches of old soup??), but very much not the same thing as eating together. Just say no in future when he asks.