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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas with out extended family

34 replies

LindsayAnn97 · 09/12/2025 13:18

So my husband and myself have spent the last few Christmas’s at my in-laws and to be honest it was awful. As I don’t get along so well with them especially since our baby arrived. We spent our first Christmas with them and our new baby and it was terrible, as it wasn’t good enough that we spent the full day there, there was an atmosphere that we didn’t want to stay overnight. We live very close by. This Christmas we will be spending with my family and to be honest it’s just so much more stressful when you have young children, I hate having to travel on Christmas and the whole hassle of packing and making sure we don’t forget anything. Am I being unreasonable that for the next maybe 5 years to want to spend Christmas with just my husband and kids in our new house?? I don’t really want to host either. Even though we spent the last few Christmas’s at my in-laws they are still unhappy that we are spending it with my family. I think this will be a sore spot with them every Christmas, so I proposed to my husband that we spend 24th-26th with just us. We will spend time equally with my family and the in-laws in between Christmas and new year or before Christmas. So they both sides will get to see the kids during the festive period. I just want to start new family traditions in our own home with the kids I just find it so much more relaxing. Has anyone else done this? My family are more than okay with this as they don’t mind about not seeing us on Christmas Day but I know the in-laws will be so so annoyed. Any ideas on how to put this forward to them??

OP posts:

LeeshaPaper · 09/12/2025 13:26

Them being annoyed is not your problem. So a simple message/conversation. "We've been finding it really stressful to travel for Christmas so now that we've had one Christmas at each family we're going to now start our own tradition and stay at home. Look forward to seeing you on the 23rd/30th. Love Lindsay Ann "

They'll be annoyed. So let them be. Even when you went to them they were annoyed. Whatever you do it won't be enough so do what suits you and just ignore what they say.

Welshmum2010 · 09/12/2025 13:26

People with small kids should stay in their own home. Parents can be visted or visit on the days either side. You could have a short face time on Xmas eve or after kids open Presents

Diarygirlqueen · 09/12/2025 13:27

I think if you're being fair with both sides of the families, I see no harm in what you're suggesting. This is my first year just me and my kids and I'm so looking forward to it.

Applespearsandpeaches · 09/12/2025 13:32

Unless a vulnerable person will be left entirely alone I think it’s fair you do whatever you want for Christmas. Your wishes aren’t any less important than theirs.

You are modelling what you think Christmas should look like for your children though - I have no guilt over a couple of things we do and decisions we made as a family that I know my parents don’t like, because I watched them do the same to their parents when I was a child. Not saying you’re wrong, but just bear it in mind.

NadjaofAntipaxos · 09/12/2025 13:34

It's about Christmas centering your child I think.

Before kids and when they were babies and toddlers, we spent years alternating between our families. We drove 2.5 hours to spend 24th, 25th, 26th with one set of parents and then drove 5 hours to the other set for 27th, 28th, 29th then 2.5 hours home. Then there was all the visits to extended family whilst there. Bloody knackering!

Both sets of siblings and other grandchildren stayed local, we were the ones who moved away so the onus was always on us to travel, they never would have come to us.

There was some guilt-tripping when we finally decided to stay home and only visit after boxing day. A big reason we gave was keeping Santa real for the kids who would have clocked a load of presents being transported. Also them just wanting to be at home to play with new toys. But I think whatever reason you have is valid. What you said here about new traditions for your own little family is good enough.

Hold firm! We have a lovely time now, hosting friends with kids on Xmas eve. A visit to the local pub with other friends and neighbours on Xmas day before lunch. Walk on boxing day and the rest we just loaf about pleasing ourselves. Is lovely and peaceful.

nomas · 09/12/2025 13:36

YANBU. Your parents and in-laws had their Christmases at home with their kids, now it’s your turn.

SJM1988 · 09/12/2025 13:44

Since having our second, we now have a 'we are staying at home for Christmas' line with family unless it is a '4th year'. Every 4 years it's a Scotland Christmas (my DH family tradition) which is fine every 4 years - once it was New York (as DH family hosted there). BUT I stick to the only once every 4-5 years will we travel.

We alternate between my family and DH family still but they have to come to us. I don't mind hosting and people are welcome to stay for a few days, we just won't travel while we are the people with the young children (no other under teens in our families yet). We travelled for others when we were younger and they had young kids and my parent are still fine travelling (It might change when they are old enough not to be able to travel). I live around the corner from my grandparents so it works as they don't have to travel anywhere.

There was a bit of disappointment at 'but the kids will never wake up here on Christmas now' but really the only place they should do that is their own home.

ldnmusic87 · 09/12/2025 13:46

LeeshaPaper · 09/12/2025 13:26

They'll be annoyed. So let them be. Even when you went to them they were annoyed. Whatever you do it won't be enough so do what suits you and just ignore what they say.

This is perfect

WonsWoo · 09/12/2025 13:56

Absolutely you are not being unreasonable. They’ve had their Christmases with their kids. Now it’s your turn to do what suits you and your DCs best.

We also had at home Christmases once we had our 2nd DC. We were happy to host but our families are reasonable people and aren’t arseholes generally!

DH and I have our first Christmas alone this year. We’ve no GC as yet but both our DCs are living further away this year and so I told them they must do what suited them. They took me at my word but I’d never hold that against them.

Have a great Christmas at home with your little ones 😊

MILLYmo0se · 09/12/2025 16:47

Just wondering what was the arrangement for your DHs childhood Christmas' OP? Did they have to schlep off to his parental grandparents every year?

Redpeach · 09/12/2025 16:50

You sound a bit precious, packing and travelling can just be part of the adventure

Octavia64 · 09/12/2025 16:52

Yeah, stay home. I used to schlepp the kids up to the in-laws every year and honestly it’s a nightmare. Now I’m old enough for my kids to be adults I just ask to see them over the Christmas period sometime.

DangerousAlchemy · 09/12/2025 17:03

Redpeach · 09/12/2025 16:50

You sound a bit precious, packing and travelling can just be part of the adventure

lol maybe for you it is. It doesn't sound like OP enjoys it and neither did I when my kids were younger.

TFImBackIn · 09/12/2025 17:06

Since become a MIL and grandmother, I've accepted that Christmas will be in my gc's house. They'll be away alternate years with her family (who live abroad). It's sad to think I won't have Christmas here but I know that it's their turn now and I certainly wouldn't be moaning about it - that just makes people not want to spend time with you at all.

ChubbyPuffling · 09/12/2025 17:08

First 5 years we went to in laws (my family were not xmas oriented and lived 1000 miles away)- for us, was fantastic.
Go somewhere else for 3 days, mess up someone else's house, be taken care of, have the kids spoiled rotten... be bragged about forever because you helped peel the spuds and wash up.
Then the kids got to school age and wanted to be home with their toys, so they came to us.
Was different, but still the hustle and bustle and sharing with gran and grandad.
Now the kids are just post uni and it is only the 4 of us, with an occasional boyfriend, waif or stray the kids have invited along so they wont be alone. Christmas is ... quieter.

Would say that whatever you do is fine, someone will probably complain, but just give plenty of notice of your plans and be prepared to be flexible if situations change.

Applecup · 09/12/2025 17:26

Do it OP. Best Christmases I had were just with my husband and kids.

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 09/12/2025 17:39

Your immediate family as in your partner and children should be able to create your own family traditions without extended family sulking but if there is sulking so be it. I agree a message to say we will be spending 24-26th alone at home from now on. See you on 23rd or 27th. They don’t get forced to leave home on Christmas Day do they?!

ReignOfError · 09/12/2025 17:51

I spent one Christmas after my oldest was born with my family, and swore never again. I stuck firmly to that, and never regretted it.

You don’t need to make excuses, you don’t need to explain yourselves. You simply say you prefer to spend Christmas at home with just your spouse and kids. And you don’t even need to do that much to your in-laws, that’s for your husband to do.

Your parents and in-laws may be pissed off, but that’s for them to deal with.

youalright · 09/12/2025 17:54

Redpeach · 09/12/2025 16:50

You sound a bit precious, packing and travelling can just be part of the adventure

For most people it isn't. The amount of stuff you need for multiple kids in general is bad enough but add Christmas presents and other stuff is ridiculous amount.

OhYeahOhYeah · 09/12/2025 17:56

Break the mould and carve out the Christmas’s you want, with your family.

I now actively dread Christmas as it’s either Christmas Day or Boxing day with the Outlaws or very year, and it ruins the whole festive season for me completely. We had covid a few years ago so spent the Outlaw Christmas at home, just us and it was great.

my family are fun at Christmas but the other side are demonstrably not and it is draining……

RecordBreakers · 09/12/2025 18:02

I don't think you need to lock in what you are going to do for the next 5 years.

thinks change.
Christmas traditions evolve.

I would say what you are doing for the next Christmas and then make decisions after that.

You might love just having your own 'house family' for 3 days in a row, or, it might seem a bit quiet not to see anyone else for that length of time. We are all different.

Try having your own isolation for the 3 or 4 days and see what you think before deciding next year and then the year afterwards.
What you enjoy one year might not be what you all want to do another year. There are lots of options other between 'seeing no-one for 3 days' and 'traveling to spend a full day at parents, then PiLs on alternative years'.

sandyhappypeople · 09/12/2025 18:15

Why do you have to decide on the next 5 years? And why does it have to be 3 days all on your own? Does your DH have any thoughts on it? Maybe he wants to see his family even if you don't?

I think all day and night with family is far too much anyway, but if they are local why not just do the bits you want to do, pop in when you want or invite them if you want, and stay home the rest of the time?

Saying we're having 3 days every Christmas alone with no visitors allowed for the next 5 years almost seems like you are trying to provoke a reaction from someone?

TableLegs001 · 09/12/2025 18:37

I also wouldn’t close the door on family for five years. Maybe you will enjoy something more casual such as allowing drop-ins and having a cold Christmas buffet on offer on Christmas Eve or later in the day on Christmas Day. We all have annoying family members (I truly never met anyone that didn’t have some gripe, including myself). It is nice for children to see family and receive presents from them to enjoy (maybe make it a rule no presents for adults). I would freeze Christmas morning as family-time and then be a bit more flexible later in the day, if your DH is on board too. But if you both like to have the five-year isolation arrangement that’s different and hope it works out as planned then.

TreesAreLife · 09/12/2025 19:14

Obviously you have to do what’s right for your family but just to put the other side.
We’ve always had a big family Christmas, both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Both sets of parents and siblings came to our house. The kids have always loved it. People never came until 12-1, so we had time in the morning to ourselves.
Covid Christmases on our own just weren’t the same.

PensionedCruiser · 09/12/2025 21:52

There are 12 days of Christmas. The 25th December is only the first one. Don't put the decorations up too early and keep them up until 6th January (churches keep them going to 2nd February). It's a miserable time of year, so it's no wonder all the major religions have festivals when it's so dark.

I would work on both sides, telling them that they can have what they want - just not on Christmas Day and Boxing Day - if they are flexible. There's even a weekend within the 12 days, so having to work is no excuse. They can even keep presents for your visit. There is no 'christmas law' that says the big dinner and the presents are only for one particular day.

My favourite day is 12th night (the last day of Christmas). I enjoy another Christmas meal then and it's a good time to invite friends as well as family.

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