how to talk about sex with your boyfrined without having to be uncomfortable

[thecuriousgirl]

hey so I need advise on how to talk about having sex with my boyfriend without the conversation getting uncomfortable. any advice. I need all the help that I can get.

So, can I ask how old are you? How old is he? And what are both of your backgrounds in sexual intimacy? Are you guys virgins? Are you and he is not? Or is he and you were not? Have either of you had a couple of relationships? These questions help us to give you some advice. It makes a big difference.

If it’s uncomfortable you shouldn’t be having sex with him! That in itself is a great litmus test

Some people have a really hard time talking about their past sexual partners and sexual experiences. Some people feel kind of embarrassed, or they (usually women) want to minimize the amount of partners that they've had or, (usually men,) they might try to exaggerate the amount of partners and experience that they've had.
Some people are very comfortable with talking about what they would like to try, how would they would like to try it and other people find talking about it to be embarrassing so they won't talk about it.

I was really shy and naive and it experienced when I first became sexually active with my partner who also was a virgin, I did a lot of research, didn't ask any people in person or in this case, on the internet, but I read a lot of magazines and books and manuals. It was somewhat helpful. For some technical information, but real people are sort of more helpful.

I would be very much more comfortable talking to someone now compared to my earlier years, because I don't think that there's anything embarrassing or difficult about sex, or at least there shouldn't be. It could be a most amazing thing or it can be just horrible. It's wonderful when it's great. And it's usually great when both of you have clear expectations about what you want to do and what you don't, what you consider to be acceptable and what you are not comfortable with.

I think we need more information about the relationship in order to enable us to give you advice OP. Personally, I would like to know your ages, how long you've been together, whether you've had previous partners, and if so whether just one or quite a few. What do you find difficult or embarrassing? Is he/she doing something you don't like, or not doing it right, too forceful, etc?

I also agree with 'ladykale' you really shouldn't be having sex with someone if you don't feel able to talk to them about sex. For example, would you be comfortable asking him (assuming your partner is male) to wear a condom? If you can't do that, then you definitely should NOT be having sex together.

It sounds as though this isn't a healthy relationship if you can't talk about sex with him.
If you aren't able to voice what you are comfortable with regarding sex - likes and dislikes and boundaries- then really it sounds as though you shouldn't be in this relationship for your own safety.

Don't have sex with someone you're uncomfortable with.

I interpreted your post as meaning you haven’t had sex with him yet and want to discuss bringing that into your relationship. Are you concerned that suggesting you have sex will make him uncomfortable or do you feel uncomfortable about instigating the conversation?

"Hey babe, we're not having sex until we're married." Smile and kiss and go on a date. 😊

To answer "struggle flourish" question I am 17 and he is 18. We are both virgins. I have had a couple of relationships in the past. we broke up once but then got back together cause we can't live without each other

"can't live without each other" 😂 Good lord. The intensity of teenage relationships never fails.

Start with simple statements, e.g. I like x, I want to try x - take it in turns and commit to no judgement.

What do you want to talk about? It shouldn't be uncomfortable unless it's just that you're nervous because you haven't been that vulnerable and open with each other yet. If it's going to be uncomfortable because you're worried about his reaction, your relationship probably isn't really ready for the kind of sex you want to have.

But apart from that, tell him you want to talk about sex and just have a very natural and open conversation. It can be multiple conversations, it doesn't have to be just one. If open and honest communication is what you want, you may have to lead the way.

It sounds as though you need to do a bit of thinking about what you want out of the conversation. Is it to propose that you talk about having sex together? If you are already physically close in any of the many ways two people can be and have sexual feelings, a conversation about penetrative sex, assuming this is what you mean, shouldn't be uncomfortable. If you think it will be uncomfortable, you may not be ready to have sex yet. What's important is establishing that you both want the same thing.

ah good for her, i do quite miss the "cant live without them" days from my youth.

In terms of the conversation just be open & honest, and preface it by saying there is no judgement and how you both should want the other to be comfortable.

It probably will be a bit uncomfortable to talk about at first, but you just have to do it anyway. It gets easier to discuss these things with time and practice. A good starting point might be to tell him you've been thinking about it and wondered whether he's been thinking about it too? You might take him by surprise so expect him to not answer and maybe come back to it Mon another occasion.

I would suggest just having the conversation and not worrying about it feeling awkward. If you can't talk about sex, you are not ready to be having sex yet.

If it is meant to be, it will be.

Who do you think will be embarrassed by the conversation?

Understand that it doesn't matter if you change your mind. Its ok to say, lets try this, find out you don't like it, and stop doing it. Don't put up with any 'if you loved me you would do such and such...everyone else is doing it..' They aren't, even if they were it would be irrelevant, and if he loved you he wouldn't be pushing about something you don't want.

It's natural to feel uncomfortable talking about sex. You sort of have to accept it'll be uncomfortable, but it's more important to say what you need to say - whether that's wanting to have sex, or not wanting it, or not liking when he does X, or wanting him to do Y.

One of the biggest mistakes a lot of adults make in relationships is poor communication - not just about sex. Instead of saying what they want, they find it's more comfortable to hint or stay silent, and their partner doesn't do what they want and resentment grows.

Communication can be uncomfortable but it gets easier and easier the more you do it, and if you start learning to say what you want without shame now, you'll be in good stead for the rest of your life...

I was 17 too with a boyfriend a few months older. We were both very inexperienced and had been together a few months, enjoying ‘everything but..’.
I think I might have said something like ‘if you feel you would like to take things further we could talk about that’, said as we bid each other goodnight (so that I could run away quickly 😁). Turns out he very much did want to talk about it. So we discussed birth control (full belt and braces on that!), where (somewhere we could have enough time and privacy), and even the fact that we might be absolutely shit at it the first few times so we might need to practice. I think we walked as we talked, seemed to make it easier.
I think that conversation took place almost exactly 41 years ago to the day. We soon booked a weekend away ‘to see the ponies in the New Forest’ 😂. All went well.

I think my boyfriend will get embarrased about having this conversation

I think my boyfriends will be embarrassed by the conversation

What a lovely story!

As 'rightoguvnor' said, walking and talking about things that are embarrassing, is a good way to cover a subject like this. Maybe start the conversation by saying how much you care about him, and then go on to say something like 'I think I'm ready move things forward on the physical side, how do you feel about it? Then if he says yes, you can then say 'well in that case, I guess we should talk about contraception'. Hopefully that will get things started, and you can go from there.

If he runs away, or blusters and looks like a beetroot, you'll know that, 1) he's not ready, and 2) possibly he's not the right one for you to take such an important step with, as having sex is a natural thing to do, and if he's that against talking about it, then it's likely you're always going to struggle to have difficult conversations with him.

Don't expect things to be perfect the first few times, but if things do go wrong, try and talk about what happened, again do it while going for a walk if you still find it embarrassing.

Try and be light hearted about things if you can, maybe you could say something like, 'I'm not really sure what I'm doing, so you'll have to show me what you like', he might then say 'I'm not sure either', in which case you can then say 'OK, well we'll have to learn together then',and give him a smile, or laugh. Suggest he starts by stroking you all over, NOT going straight for the main game, and that way it's more likely to feel natural going on to the next step, but don't forget that condom!!! If by any chance he fumbles while trying to put it on, ask if you can help, with a sexy grin, and if you can do that, I think you will find that the shyness and embarrassment will be gone.

Hope this helps.

Well.....I think it's understandable to be embarrassed about subjects you're not used to discussing. But embarrassment shouldn't stop important conversations and it's very very important to talk about sex and contraception before starting to be intimate

Do you think snapchatting about the subject might help ease his embarrassment?

Make sure you use contraception first of all. Are you absolutely sure your boyfriend is a virgin?