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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that MIL always goes to the places I go

77 replies

Deco183 · 08/12/2025 23:40

Can’t explain why I find this so irritating, but basically whenever I mention somewhere I’m going/been with DH, and it’s in front of my MIL, she then goes to that place for a visit too. Usually it’s in conversation if talking about something we’ve done recently. Means that we do, from time to time, run into her while out. The other day I mentioned a walk route that I found that’s nice and we went to and she said she must try it and go there soon. Don’t know why I find this so annoying, yet I don’t feel like I can really say anything about it. I find it bizarre.

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 09/12/2025 06:16

Just limit what you tell her

CurlewKate · 09/12/2025 06:27

Oh come on! Even in Mumsnet world, where MILs are an entirely different species, this is weird. “I told my MIL that Florence is a beautiful city and she went there on holiday- how very dare she!”

CurlewKate · 09/12/2025 06:30

And then the next level of bizarre-posters saying tell her Florence is horrible or don’t tell her you’ve been to Florence.

jemim · 09/12/2025 06:38

Oh god, I’m so relieved it’s not just me that has this issue and really finds it too much.
Recently told my in-laws about a place we want to visit when we go to a certain part of the country soon. They’ve been there many times over the years but never to this specific location. They’ve visited a few months ago (after the conversation about our trip in Jan) and immediately booked a trip to the place I want to go). I honestly feel it’s so they can almost one up me, and tell me everything about these places. They are absolute know it alls and it just kind of fits with that mind set. Very annoying!

Original poster
Deco183 · 09/12/2025 08:09

Thanks everyone. I get that I can just choose not to mention anything to her, and that she might be interpreting it as a recommendation/or to spend time together. But what I don’t get is that if I did want to go somewhere with her, I’d just outright say something along the lines of ‘could be good to go together’ or ‘really recommend it’?! I’m just making small talk with her essentially to be polite but yes agree I can just choose to not say where I’m going but that does feel a bit cagey and it’s a shame to not have conversation freely with her because of it.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 09/12/2025 08:27

Deco183 · 09/12/2025 08:09

Thanks everyone. I get that I can just choose not to mention anything to her, and that she might be interpreting it as a recommendation/or to spend time together. But what I don’t get is that if I did want to go somewhere with her, I’d just outright say something along the lines of ‘could be good to go together’ or ‘really recommend it’?! I’m just making small talk with her essentially to be polite but yes agree I can just choose to not say where I’m going but that does feel a bit cagey and it’s a shame to not have conversation freely with her because of it.

Or you could do what most people do and not gatekeep beauty spots?🤣

Kuretake · 09/12/2025 08:45

This is a you thing, sorry.

Normal conversation/ etiquette expectations are that saying you went somewhere that was a nice walk is a recommendation. In your ideal scenario I guess the listener should respectfully listen, be interested in the abstract and then sadly make a note that this bit of the world is taken and they must not go there.

GCAcademic · 09/12/2025 08:47

Deco183 · 09/12/2025 08:09

Thanks everyone. I get that I can just choose not to mention anything to her, and that she might be interpreting it as a recommendation/or to spend time together. But what I don’t get is that if I did want to go somewhere with her, I’d just outright say something along the lines of ‘could be good to go together’ or ‘really recommend it’?! I’m just making small talk with her essentially to be polite but yes agree I can just choose to not say where I’m going but that does feel a bit cagey and it’s a shame to not have conversation freely with her because of it.

Do you ever suggest going together, though?

NoisyViewer · 09/12/2025 08:52

Deco183 · 09/12/2025 08:09

Thanks everyone. I get that I can just choose not to mention anything to her, and that she might be interpreting it as a recommendation/or to spend time together. But what I don’t get is that if I did want to go somewhere with her, I’d just outright say something along the lines of ‘could be good to go together’ or ‘really recommend it’?! I’m just making small talk with her essentially to be polite but yes agree I can just choose to not say where I’m going but that does feel a bit cagey and it’s a shame to not have conversation freely with her because of it.

i still don’t get the issue. If you don’t want to bump into her don’t tell her when or where you’re going, by all means talk about it after. However, I’ve heard people say I went here it was beautiful & not said I highly recommend it. I’ve been intrigued with their enthusiasm and gone myself. Next time I’ll be sure to ask their permission before I just turn up. I think you’re being harsh on the MIL.

Disturbia81 · 09/12/2025 09:32

Deco183 · 09/12/2025 08:09

Thanks everyone. I get that I can just choose not to mention anything to her, and that she might be interpreting it as a recommendation/or to spend time together. But what I don’t get is that if I did want to go somewhere with her, I’d just outright say something along the lines of ‘could be good to go together’ or ‘really recommend it’?! I’m just making small talk with her essentially to be polite but yes agree I can just choose to not say where I’m going but that does feel a bit cagey and it’s a shame to not have conversation freely with her because of it.

It is a shame but she’s caused it. If you want change then you have to adjust yourself, not expect others to behave differently… as you’ll be always disappointed.

Pyjamatimenow · 09/12/2025 09:38

You just don’t like your MIL.

CurlewKate · 09/12/2025 09:39

Disturbia81 · 09/12/2025 09:32

It is a shame but she’s caused it. If you want change then you have to adjust yourself, not expect others to behave differently… as you’ll be always disappointed.

Show quote history

She’s caused it….by behaving like a normal human being? Don’t tell her you have a meal at around 7.00 in the evening, whatever you do!……

BeaRightThere · 09/12/2025 09:41

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 00:41

In real life, an uninvited relative turning up on their outings would very definitely irritate most people.

So don't tell her any of your plans into the future, just be vague if you don't want her inserting herself into your outings.

If she goes afterwards, it's no big deal and you would be unreasonable to say otherwise.

Edited

She doesn't insert herself. She goes herself at a later date.

NautilusLionfish · 09/12/2025 09:42

CurlewKate · 09/12/2025 08:27

Or you could do what most people do and not gatekeep beauty spots?🤣

Show quote history

oh but then her MIL will see beauty spots and actually enjoy life. We cant have that can we?

BeaRightThere · 09/12/2025 09:42

This is pathetic. Your MIL going somewhere you have already been and told her you enjoyed does not affect you in the slightest. It's ridiculous to let this bother you. I bet you wouldn't care if it was your own mother. The hate MILs get on here is insane. Grow up.

honeylulu · 09/12/2025 09:46

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" as the saying goes. She obviously admires and looks up to you, or at least your taste in such matters.

However I do get how irritating it can be when it is over and over again. I have a friend who went through a phase of copying everything I did - things I cooked, places I went, clothes I bought, how I decorated and furnished my house, even the birthday cakes I made my kids. I like her a lot and it was flattering so I struggled with why it annoyed me. I worked out that it was partly because I spend a fair bit of time researching and planning things and it felt like she got the benefit of just picking up the completed idea. And partly because part of the joy of a friendship is sharing and exchanging different ideas. If I'm just looking at a carbon copy of myself I might as well talk to a mirror.

Anyway she was going through an unhappy time of her life and I think she felt safe and comfortable with me and was trying to emulate that. When life got better for her she stopped doing it so much so I'm really glad I never said anything. In fact this week I "copied" some of her ideas for making a Christmas wreath as hers was so nice and we laughed about it!

So your MIL might have some insecurities going on. Or she may just have zero imagination!

Maybe keep a bit quieter about your plans and perhaps invite her along occasionally?

Nevermind17 · 09/12/2025 09:46

CurlewKate · 09/12/2025 06:30

And then the next level of bizarre-posters saying tell her Florence is horrible or don’t tell her you’ve been to Florence.

Edited

Or tell her you went to Bognor so she never goes to Florence. Because how dare somebody think “Oh that sounds lovely, I’d like to see that” after you’ve been there once and spoke highly of it? Don’t they know that you now OWN the place? My God, these evil MILs need putting in their place!

TFImBackIn · 09/12/2025 09:48

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 09/12/2025 00:04

Tell me you don’t like your MIL without telling me you don’t like your MIL…

There is no reason for this to irritate you, it’s not affecting you in the slightest. It’s not like she is turning up on the days you go to these places, she’s going at a later date on her own.

I suspect if it was someone you liked, you would be pleased to have shared your recommendations.

Did you miss the bit in the OP where she says: Means that we do, from time to time, run into her while out.

TorroFerney · 09/12/2025 09:59

Deco183 · 09/12/2025 08:09

Thanks everyone. I get that I can just choose not to mention anything to her, and that she might be interpreting it as a recommendation/or to spend time together. But what I don’t get is that if I did want to go somewhere with her, I’d just outright say something along the lines of ‘could be good to go together’ or ‘really recommend it’?! I’m just making small talk with her essentially to be polite but yes agree I can just choose to not say where I’m going but that does feel a bit cagey and it’s a shame to not have conversation freely with her because of it.

Tell her after and then you can still have the conversation. Or turn it round and ask her what she’s up to that weekend.

Renamed · 09/12/2025 10:10

She seems to like the same things as you so could you turn it to your advantage? If you’re not sure about a place tell her you plan to go and then await her review

Anonworried · 09/12/2025 10:16

So we have a bit of this going on in our family with MIL.
And I could never properly nail why it annoyed me with her but I was ok with others visiting that top London museum/canal walk/niche shop.
Partly I think under the unpleasant snobbishness was a huge amount of insecurity. A bit of jealousy and disappointment that FIL wouldn't do stuff but her own son would but not frequently with her.
It's easier, like a pp said, when she is happier and her life is more varied. At that point it seems more like research than plagiarism.

The worst time combined her peak insecurity with us on limited funds. She'd spot a catalogue in my post and the next thing she'd order everything while I'd had to settle for a single item. I cant look at Cox or Graham & Green now.
Another favourite was her asking what my perfume was and then buying it as air freshener for her loo. That was so insulting it really changed how I felt about her relationship with my kids. 15 years on, I think I called it right, she is /was capable of a lot of damaging behaviour.

pizzaHeart · 09/12/2025 10:17

Tbf you don’t know she might be doing it with other people as well - going somewhere when a friend or relative mentioned it. As PPs said she probably just listens your recommendations.
However if it’s about her asking what you are doing on Sunday and you saying that you are planning to go to Christmas market in X and then she turns up… it’s very different.

BeaRightThere · 09/12/2025 10:17

Deco183 · 09/12/2025 08:09

Thanks everyone. I get that I can just choose not to mention anything to her, and that she might be interpreting it as a recommendation/or to spend time together. But what I don’t get is that if I did want to go somewhere with her, I’d just outright say something along the lines of ‘could be good to go together’ or ‘really recommend it’?! I’m just making small talk with her essentially to be polite but yes agree I can just choose to not say where I’m going but that does feel a bit cagey and it’s a shame to not have conversation freely with her because of it.

Because she might, shock horror, go to the same place you've been at a time when you are not even there? Do you hear yourself?

TFImBackIn · 09/12/2025 10:19

Another favourite was her asking what my perfume was and then buying it as air freshener for her loo.

That is probably the worst MIL offence I've seen on here, and there have been plenty to choose from.

Catpiece · 09/12/2025 10:20

She’s doing it because she can’t bear to shit out. It’s jealousy x