Christmas party and dying nan

[BeBusyDuck]

Not sure if this is the right place but here goes. Ill try and keep it as short as possible.

My nan (who has been a mother to me all my life) is sadly dying. Its been a quick diagnosis and we knew right away she didnt have long left (a couple of months) shes now only got a few days at the most left. Nurses have said Wednesday/ Thursday but it really is hard to tell as we have had a couple of days where we thought she wouldn't be long.
Anyway its my partners Xmas do on Thursday, an all day and night thing. I have asked him not to go and he said no he is going. Would be fair enough but i know if I need him he will not be contactable as hes a bit of an idiot when hes out.

We have a massive argument on the phone where he says im being unreasonable and I dont think i am.
Do you think I am being unreasonable or not?
Wanted opinions as I know maybe im being clouded by emotion too much as I am absolutely devastated seeing my nan go through this pain 😢

I think it’s horrible that he’s chosen a night out over being there with you during a horrible time.

Might be worth adding that this Xmas do is an hour away on a train. We dont live together

That is shocking of him. This is one of the most painful and traumatic times of your life and he is prioritising a night out over being with you. And you say he’s an idiot and uncontactable while out. This would be a dealbreaker for me I’m afraid. He has shown you where you feature on his list of priorities.

I understand it’s a lot to deal with given everything else that’s going on but when you have had some time to process things I’d be making plans to leave.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Be there for your nan, say all you want to say and then take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to get some peace - if that means checking into a hotel or something then do it.

Do you have other family? I’ll be honest, I didn’t want DH there. I wanted relatives who were grieving the same way. People with the same memories. And perhaps some space.

However, if you want him there, and he’s saying no (doesn’t really matter what for) then I’d say the relationship is not what you want it to be.

Thats my thoughts aswell but he doesn't see it like that and has point blank refused to not go.

Well that’s his choice. You do see it like that, and you have choices too.

That's what I said about me not being a priority to him. Not just in this situation but going forward is he going to prioritise me at all. I think if he cant for this then there's no hope.

We dont live together so it will be easy for me to leave him. I dont rely on him financially at all I have my own house

At this moment i dont want him anywhere near me or at the funeral or anything.
Its sad because on his terms he has been supportive but only when it comes to him not moving any plans etc.

I have a very small family and the person Im closet to is my nan 😔
I would like him there and him not willing not to go shows me everything I need to know but I just wanted to see if im being unreasonable and emotional

When times get tough, you see people how they really are. The guys I know would not go to a Christmas party and leave their partner to face this situation alone. He is telling you that you are not high on his list of priorities, isn't he? If the positions were reversed, would you pop off on a jolly and leave him to go through this alone, knowing what the dying person means to him? I bet you wouldn't.

This would be a dealbreaker for me too. I hope you value yourself as you should, and I'm so sorry you're in this position. It's so hard. Forget him and focus on yourself and your lovely Nan.

Yes i know what the answer is. Just upsetting because only last week my nan wrote a Xmas card for us both and gave us money and hes being like this 😔

YANBU OP.

When someone shows you who they really are believe them.

I would be seriously reconsidering my future with him. So sorry to read about your nan 😢

Sorry about your Nan, OP.
I think it's very upsetting that you are facing this terrible loss and your partner has refused, when asked, to be with you. Either though lack of experience and imagination he doesn't have any idea what you will go through that day, or he doesn't care enough about you to want to be there. It's probably the former, but still hurtful and also worrying about how things will be in the future.
It sounds as if you don't want him in your life any more after this, so that's an end to it. How very sad.

so sorry to hear about your nan. I think you are seeing a glimpse into your future here; what is he going to do when you have children, and a child may be ill but he has a night out? If he’s prioritising a night out over your Nan dying and you needing him there, then he’ll do the same in other situations.

what's most unreasonable is that is not within reach/able to return at a moment's notice.
he should avoid alcohol, have his phone on and be prepared to call an uber/take a train home quickly.
maybe even simply coming home at 10-11pm to yours.

Yeah this. You’ve already said he’s “a bit of an idiot when he’s out” (or words to that effect) so he doesn’t sound like a catch. I wouldn’t be expecting much from him 🤷‍♀️

Sorry to hear this.

How long have you been together?

I have a different opinion, in that I think deathbeds aren’t for partners and by-standers. This is such an intimate and private time.

When my H and I were bereaved, the non-bereaved of us stayed home, ready to provide comfort (and a hot dinner and that sort of practical stuff) when the bereaved returned.

This is complicated by the fact you don’t live together.

I wouldn't accept this. An hour away and he has form for being non contactable/ a bit of a dick when out. Throw this one back. I'm sorry about your nan.

Your lovely H was on standby, though, not dancing the conga and doing shots. You’ve got a good one; OP hasn’t. Lucky she’s found out early doors, and lucky you x

Silver linings, OP. You found out this was not a man to depend upon, before your lives were interlinked by joint mortgage and children.

I thought at first that you had kids you needed him to look after but if that's not the case I don't see why he shouldn't go. He would be unlikely to be able to do anything useful as there isn't much to do at that stage. I didn't expect my partner to be around when my mum was dying.

He has shown where his priorities lie. You need to decide where yours lie.

Personally, I would ditch him.

Have you got others who can support you during this? You need to be able to turn to someone who can help you. Your partner is atrocious

We have been together for 10 years but we live an hour away and both have out kids 50/50 hence why we can't live together at the moment. We were planning on moving in together in the next couple of years when the youngest kids were adults. It works pretty well because we have the kids the same time amd then have our alone time.

I have had doubts about his maturity previously and to me this is highlighting it more.

Sorry for your circumstances, truly.

My husband would never prioritise going out drinking.

You don't live together though so he really is just a boyfriend and you'd be best off dumping him to give more important things your time and energy.

Sorry x