Christmas party and dying nan

[BeBusyDuck]

Not sure if this is the right place but here goes. Ill try and keep it as short as possible.

My nan (who has been a mother to me all my life) is sadly dying. Its been a quick diagnosis and we knew right away she didnt have long left (a couple of months) shes now only got a few days at the most left. Nurses have said Wednesday/ Thursday but it really is hard to tell as we have had a couple of days where we thought she wouldn't be long.
Anyway its my partners Xmas do on Thursday, an all day and night thing. I have asked him not to go and he said no he is going. Would be fair enough but i know if I need him he will not be contactable as hes a bit of an idiot when hes out.

We have a massive argument on the phone where he says im being unreasonable and I dont think i am.
Do you think I am being unreasonable or not?
Wanted opinions as I know maybe im being clouded by emotion too much as I am absolutely devastated seeing my nan go through this pain 😢

On the face of it, he is very thoughtless and unsupportive. And yet I feel a certain sympathy. You’ve asked him not to go but to do what? potentially sit around around all day and night when you’ve already had some false warnings. So he probably isn’t taking this one seriously either. And who are doctors and nurses to say exactly when someone will die. They often get it wrong.

During a tense and uncertain time, he could be looking for some light relief. You don’t live together, you’re not married. It is a very big ask, albeit one that potentially reveals where his priorities or discomfort around matters of life and death lies. And I’m not sure it’s cut and dry

So sorry to hear this is happening, OP. IMO a loving partner doesn't behave as he is doing and you are absolutely not BU.

This one is not a keeper OP, he’s not ok your team.

There is no 'reasonable or unreasonable' in this OP. You need what you need, and what you need is different to what someone else in your situation would need.
Your partner is selfish. You have clearly stated you need him there with you and he is putting himself first.
You and your lovely nan are in my prayers. I lost my beloved gran 2 years ago and it still hurts.

So sorry you are going through this . It sounds as if you have a lot of thinking to do about your relationship but for now just concentrate on your nan. Plenty of time to deal with him later

Well I'd say he's shown you where his priorities lie. It's up to you whether you find it acceptable.

I'm so sorry about your nan, OP.

Are there any mitigating factors for his decision? For example, if he is the manager and is effectively hosting the event? Or has other people relying on him for transport?

Thank you it's such a heartbreaking time for me.

No hes not the manager or no one os relying on him for transport. Hes the type to love going overboard when he has a drink so would never be reliable

Sorry about your Nan, OP.

When my grandma died, my boyfriend of the time refused my request to come and see me because he didn’t “want to be around all that”, so that was the end of him and I hope this is the end of your DP. There is literally no point to a relationship if you can’t hold up your SO when they need it.

I just wondered because although it wouldn't necessarily make it ok, I can think of some situations where it might not be completely clear cut. But it sounds like he is behaving very selfishly.

I hope the next few days are as gentle as possible for you and your lovely nan.

Oh op I’m so sorry about your nan 😢 YANBU, he should be prioritising you at arguably one of the worst times of your life. He’s being selfish and cruel. You’ve got some serious thinking to do. For now though, focus on you and try and surround yourself with people who consistently love and support you.

My DH wouldn’t be anywhere but by my side if I was going through this, and the same from me to him. It shouldn’t even be a question OP, he should want to be there supporting you. It’s a party, not a conference and he’s not even the boss. What he’s actually saying is that he’d rather be getting shitfaced with his mates than be there for the woman he’s supposed to love at the worst possible time. It would be the end for me. I’m so sorry about your nan, I know how awful it is.

If it’s all day as well, is that more like a conference? Might be harder to miss. The fact you don’t live together may mean he doesn’t think you need him

So sorry that you are going through this.

Of course he is entitled to go out if he wants but you are also entitled to decided he is not the reliable man you want.
Given he has older kids you would expect him to have more maturity. Sadly if not by now then not ever.

You will get through this. Take care of yourself

No its not a conference they will have breakfast at the office in the city centre about 11 and then just go out and get drunk. He even asked me to pick him up at 4am (about 3 weeks ago)