to feel i hate my 3 teenage sons

[Imnotsurvivingthis]

I can’t help but feel a lot of negativity and hatred towards my 3 teenage sons. actually one is 12,14,16
It makes me feel so sad about life.

I literally feel there is nothing they do or say is nice. We constantly argue as they don’t want to do any of their responsibilities. Just want to sit on their phones, playstation and have me prepare food for them all day long.
Still I feel if I was to stop nagging them one day for the sake of them not hating me, I would hate myself more.
I’m really not looking forward to Christmas holidays.
What I’m hoping from those who have come out the other side, tell me that this shall pass and before they leave the house, we can once again have love for each other?!

I really struggled with DS from 12-16, he was just deeply unpleasant to be around. I had to adopt a completely no nonsense approach, if he was a dick, he got punished - no exceptions. Then it all changed overnight and he was lovely again, he’s 17 now and I can’t remember the last time I had to take his phone/play station off him

You say it's got worse since they're all in high school. This seems quite typical, and puberty is not the only reason. Schools are very different now, and sometimes they can see bad behaviour all day (a lot of the kids don't have caring parents) and are made to act in certain ways. My friends' kids say it's very hard for boys to challenge stereotypical expectations, they're still told they can't cry or show emotions like in our day, yet are (rightly) criticised for not talking about their feelings etc.
You wanted good news-one of these friends has a boy who started college this year, and he's totally changed, because he says he doesn't have to act as a hard man all day, and there's not constant bad behaviour and issues going on. From what I read, she's not the only one saying this.

Can your eldest get a job? I was working at 16 and definitely think it helped my Mum get off my case a bit 😅

They wont necessarily leave either.

Can you try and do family meal times with a home cooked dish they will all enjoy including a yummy dessert? This is when our family relaxes and really begins to talk.

It’s sad that they won’t walk your dog, do they not care about the dog’s welfare? What about just playing with the dog outside? Do you do things like go to the cinema and theme parks etc as a family? Active holidays have also worked well
for us in terms of bonding.

If i’m honest i just feel like such a failure of a mother. I feel like my kids gradually liked me less and less as i’m so focused on lecturing them about how to grow up to be a decent person and as they got older i lost the ability to find connect with them to have fun. I feel like im so drained i have no more to give or to have the energy to prentend i want to sit down with them and play fifa. They seem to get on so well with their dad as he is more chilled while im the absolute psycho who is always angry about something.
It doesn’t help that i struggle with darkness of winter months and not seeing the sun. Always have.
I know this winter will pass too and spring will bring a change in how i feel but today was just a particularly bad day and needed to let it all out. Thanks all for listening

Teens are the hardest stage.

They go from being loving, enthusiastic and happy to moody, lazy, self conscious etc.

You will come out of the other side!

DH needs to model good behaviour.

Apart from that try and get them out of the house as much as possible or you go out the house as much as possible.
When my DD turned into a teen, I started running and that was me time.

Also maybe lower your standards - my DD had to bring her dishes down etc but her room didn’t have to be spotless.
I would make the meals but breakfast on the weekends or other food outside of meals needed to be prepared herself and cleaned up after.

I was an awful teen and I just kept reminding myself that.

Sorry OP but it isn’t okay that all boys are like this. I have teenagers and they don’t need nagging, aren’t rude and help around the house - because we set clear expectations and boundaries.

I would call a family meeting and tell everyone how you are feeling and that things need to change: Let them speak and hear them out and then set expectations.

This had to stop and needs addressing asap.

You’re not an awful mum! You’ve got 3 teens who love you so much that they feel comfortable enough to be moody with you.

You ‘nagging’ them is for their own good and they will thank you later on.

DH seems more of a Disney dad just doing the fun things but that won’t help them in the long run.

@Imnotsurvivingthis you want to enjoy your boys and your family life, you want to impose more order and consistency- but you sound burned out. Could you maybe agree with your husband and book a weekend away just you (husband looks after kids) in the new year? Go and reset, sit in a hot tub and read a book, recharge. Then come with more battery and tackle some of the things you genuinely want to change.

You’re not doing badly as a mum, this is a tough stage. They’ll humanise over time and this will be a memory - just like the sleepless nights were when you had babies. Don’t beat yourself up over any of it x

I have 3 girls and in their own ways they each had difficult phases in their teens. One was incredibly shouty and stroppy. She eventually grew out of it (mainly!) when she went to university, though she's still quite loud now, in her 40s! Next one was just... miserable. This manifested by making the rest of us feel like we were living with a particularly angry T rex. A glass door even got smashed at one point. Then she shut herself in her room for nearly a year. Once she went to college and then to work things improved to a large degree, though she still finds life extremely difficult at times. She has since been diagnosed with various things which has helped us all understand her better, and she to understand herself. Youngest was quite easy as a teenager, apart from a (luckily fairly minor) eating disorder. Her turn to go off the rails was after she left school and even more when she went to university. She got through it and though she will always find aspects of life a trial, she's OK on the whole.
All three are great company, kind and usually helpful. They make me proud and I love them to bits. Every so often, maybe once a year I make one or other of them sit down with me and watch Harry Enfield being Kevin the Teenager. They are suitably mortified and I laugh myself sick. Great family therapy!
I wish you all the best OP. Your family will come out the other side, things will be better with a little more strictness coupled with a dose of compromise from everybody and the inevitable maturing of your boys. Try to see them as individuals, not some awful, monolithic teenage blob. All 3 of mine were alike in some ways but so different in others. Recognising that helped me enormously.

You love your boys, never say that word hate, please

That was lovely to read and reassuring. Thank you ❤️

Teenagers are hard work .But small things , put something in a slowcooker in the morning , chilli or stew. Provide bread and butter , don’t run around all day cooking for unappreciative people.
Stop ironing uniforms, buy iron free ones.
The 16 year old needs a little job. Even if it’s an hour a week . Valuable life skills and shows the others that they’ll have to do the same . Don’t use studying for gcses as an excuse for him not to get a job, because if he chooses an apprenticeship or similar post gcse, work experience will be so important. It also changes the dynamic in the house so everyone isn’t driving each other crazy, particularly in the holidays.

I was OP, I could not look at my son on some days. But we battled on and honestly there has not been a cross word said in this house in three month's. I hope he overheard his Dad and I discussing his Christmas present tonight. We were chatting that it was expensive and I said but sure we have the money and he has been so good. He walked in the door. It’s an amazing turn round but was soo hard.

Please don’t continue as you are, boys don’t grow into decent men by their own accord, they need to be parented. The world doesn’t need any more incompetent selfish men who can’t cook and spend all their time on devices and gaming.

Ban screens and devices mid week and teach them all to cook before it’s too late.

if your kids believe that you see them in a negative light and don't enjoy having them around, they might withdraw from you and behave worse.

maybe small changes could help, like praising them more often, giving them positive feedback and random affirmations to make them feel loved and good about themselves. sometimes this can inspire kids to want to behave better in a way that nagging/criticism can't.

obviously they still need to be held accountable and told when they are rude, but balancing this negative feedback with some more casual positivity (even if you have to try really hard..) could make them more receptive to you.

and I know it might be difficult to get them to engage at first, but establishing one evening/afternoon a week where you all do something as a family (playing a game, eating a sit-down meal, watching a movie together) could be a good start towards shifting the culture of your household and feeling more connected. family rituals can be really beneficial.

Not wrong OP
The sooner we can breed men out of the equation the better.

Teenagers can be absolute bastards.

I got to the point (I’m a single parent) where I totally lost my shit and made them go and move in with their dad.

I was absolutely seething and I have bad mental health as it is. I suffer from psychogenic black outs when I get overwhelmed and on this particular occasion I was passed out for 50 minutes. When I woke up I was in hospital and I just thought. NOPE.

They soon changed their tune when they went to their dads. Begging to come home but made them sweat it out. For 2 weeks. They hated it. They don’t have their own space there and he lives miles away so it was a major PITA to get to school

After this incident things drastically changed.

My point is that sometimes the only way to get them to understand is by extreme actions.

And so the cycle will continue. They behave poorly and you feed them well.
I would get dh on board and then all sit down and have a family meeting. Each person gets to speak. You explain what you’ve said here. Let them know how it’s making you feel and that you don’t want to feel that way.
And as another poster said - catch them stung/doing something awesome and let them know it’s brightened your day.
going forward I would all sit down for a family meal around a table as many times a week as schedules will allow. No phones and no taking meals elsewhere -sit, chat, laugh, talk about your days, how everyone is feeling.
And feed them your excellent meals.!
Anyone not willing to comply, show respect etc doesn’t get to help themselves to whatever they fancy. It’s toast and bed for them. Yes I know I’ll get people telling me I’m mean blah blah but if you are firm but fair, loving and kind but not allowing yourself to be walked on….you will All feel happier.
I’d have a read of “How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk” as that helped me.
This too shall pass! xx

Get them involved in the cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry etc too. All excellent skills to have.

Hi OP. My 3 ids are same age as yours. Have 2 girls and a boy.
I feel for you, and you actually sound very reasonable and a loving person.
I do get on well with mine and strangely enough i love this stage.
What I would do is try to find out things you may have in common with each of them (you will find them!) and don't focus on the stuff they don't do. Once the relationship improves, you can set up expectations, ask then to pick their own chores. I do that with mine and works.

Start bonding with small things. For example one of them might like the same tv show as you. Make some nice hot chocolate and watch it together. Another one is curious abou the space, and you were always interested in NASA missions so start having little conversations about it. It's all about those small little things/ interactions.

Someone said look at them as individuals. I agree stop cooking all day, that only creates resentment and they are old enough. just don't buy bad stuff and let them do it.
I let mine make their breakfast and lunch (there are no sweets/ junk at home). Give them some freedom and start connecting on little ways with them.

All the best OP x

Some advice seems really harsh. Taking stuff from them. Not cooking for them.
And IMO nagging is no good. They just don't listen.
Perhaps first of all talk to them. Tell them their behaviour affects and upsets you. Ask them to discuss any issues that may cause their rudeness. Tell them you expect them to do a few simple chores.
Only if firm mutual discussion doesn't work should more forceful punishments take place. They sound selfish and maybe a bit spoilt but hopefully they are not bad lads who will listen to you. But you need to get everything out in the open.

Yeah this. It is a difficult time and with several close in age it does feel like you are constantly nagging. Need to use phone / WiFi as a bribe they are not entitled to them. Get them cooking more and they can definitely do their own washing. It does get better.

Cut off the wifi and stop preparing meals for them.