to feel i hate my 3 teenage sons

[Imnotsurvivingthis]

I can’t help but feel a lot of negativity and hatred towards my 3 teenage sons. actually one is 12,14,16
It makes me feel so sad about life.

I literally feel there is nothing they do or say is nice. We constantly argue as they don’t want to do any of their responsibilities. Just want to sit on their phones, playstation and have me prepare food for them all day long.
Still I feel if I was to stop nagging them one day for the sake of them not hating me, I would hate myself more.
I’m really not looking forward to Christmas holidays.
What I’m hoping from those who have come out the other side, tell me that this shall pass and before they leave the house, we can once again have love for each other?!

I have three sons and honestly never had any of that with any of them. I do feel for you because boys are such a joy to have in your life.

Speak to them one on one and explain why you have an issue but be prepared to listen and accept you're wrong too.

Just because someone is a parent, it doesn't make them right.

I think you are right. I’m probably actually quite weak and not sticking to times long term as get overwhelmed but all 3 at me at the same time. It does break me down after a while. We also have a 7 year old who is still a sweetheart. I guess it’s just a lot going on and i need to be more persistent with setting chores and getting them to stick with it. I think also most of the time we aren’t around much as always on the go for footie but times like now when everything has slowed down, it’s all dawned on me

Yes but understanding has to work both ways. It’s not ‘throwing weight around. It’s about raising and developing young people who have respect for others and don’t take them for granted.

Otherwise you are just raising the men that we are constantly hearing about on MN who treat their wives like servants.

Yes I agree about picking your battles but that doesn’t mean they get to be lazy sods just to avoid an argument.

They are old enough to iron their own, and do their own washing for starters. Cook for them by all means, but they should be helping out with housewoek such as setting/clearing the table, doing dishes etc. Your job is to raise product adults, and they won't suddenly become that if they are allowed to be rude, lazy, entitled children/ teenagers.

Yes they can all make things like that but if i left them to do it, they would probably just eat jam on toast as it easier so then i think ill do it for them as what i make is healthier and the cycle carries.
You are right im probably too controlling with things. I also have a 7 year old so i feel if im making his, ill make it all.
I need to stop controlling and accept that they might not make the best choices but they have to start somewhere

Stop the lifts to football - hit them where it hurts until they become a bit more considerate

Unfortunately all this little threats are short lived. They will do what we ask if threat or shout but just feel drained for having to do it all the time

You’ve got four kids, three quite close in age - that’s quite a handful to begin with. Cut yourself some slack.

ive got just two teen boys, and yes I want them to eat semi healthily. WEe try and keep the fridge and the fruit bowls full - they won’t shop and they won’t be steaming broccoli by choice, but they can make an omelette / reheat some leftovers and eat a yoghurt and an apple 🤷‍♀️.

For chores, I don’t know what to say 🤷‍♀️ by now mine are well trained to do what they are told and stop moaning pretty sharpish if they start. I don’t nag or shout - I tell them pretty directly that we all need to contribute, and this is their way to do that. None of us live housework but none of us want to live in a shithole.

Spend time with them doing things you can all enjoy. We never had a problem with phone use or gaming as always did a lot of sport and other outdoor activities. Dogs can be helpful in getting them outside.

Teenage years are the absolute toughest. Add to that peri/meno symptoms and this stage is an absolute killer. Please don't beat yourself up. You do care, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

Do they get pocket money? Would they be motivated to do chores for cash or treats?

FWIW they do come out the other side. If they end up living out of the home eg uni - they definitely will appreciate you. Unfortunately you may have to wait until they are 21yrs.

They sound like normal teenagers to me. Hang on in there, eventually they will leave home and not be your responsibility.

I’m sorry not sure how old your children are but i can tell you my boys will NOT come out with me to walk to the dog. Even the 7 year old now thinks it’s a punishment if he has join me on a dog walk. They all play football a lot but apart from that and going out with friends, they will not willing come out with us (unless we are eating out)

I would start by doing a little bit less for them. You are not their servant.

That’s what upsets me. Is this really what having boys are like. Just waiting for them to leave the house?!

One of them is rude - you tell DS he’s a cheeky fuck and Wi-Fi goes off for one hour. Dad comes home you tell him what happened. He agrees DS is a cheeky little fuck and if there’s a repeat WiFi will be off for 24 hours as no one speaks to mother like that. Repeat daily.

I do agree with you that a home cooked evening meal is important especially for growing teens, and personally I think family meal times are important.
But surely you don’t need to be making breakfast, lunch and snacks for them? What do you mean ‘food all day long’?

I have 3 teens and yes they can be lazy and I do have to nag, but they are never rude. They all have chores they are expected to do each day eg lay the table, empty dishwasher etc. They do forget but do it in the end!

DH works longer hours than me but at the weekends he does cooking and cleaning so they see him doing his fair share.
If your DH isn’t doing much around the house he’s not a great role model. Even so he needs to be backing you up on this.

Turn time back to when they were kids- bribe with food etc to help you out, drag them out with promise of nag free screen time, play board games, family movies etc then let them off. As above we all forget we have to parent as hard as when they were toddlers! And start seeing them as individuals as opposed to three teenage boys, I do the same, I have 4 and we clump them together but things go better when we think of them as their individual selves. And show an interest- be around when eg they’re watching YouTube, see if they want to watch inside (sidemen) on Netflix (it’s a group of YouTubers in a big brother type scenario, they have to complete games to not lose money, or beast games on Amazon prime. Best of luck op

Do you eat together?

I have 3 boys now 22, 19 and 17. The 17 year old is still pretty stroppy at times. The older two certainly aren’t perfect at doing chores but they are polite and able to have proper conversations without just being teenagery and it’s much easier to enjoy their company than it was 5/6 years ago.
I found 12-16 years fairly tough - especially trying to get them to work for exams. I just felt like I was nagging the whole time.
Hang on in there. Make a conscious effort to talk about things they like - sport, music, films, games and to be interested to try and keep the connection. Try and do things together sometimes - like cinema, escape room, climb a mountain or something.
It does get better. I really look forward to their company now.

No we don’t. I know it’s awful. It’s so unpleasant trying to referee amongs them when they are together that I’d rather not eat with them. Plus when they have dinner, dp isn’t back from work yet

Understood.
When my daughter plays up, l say to her you will need a favour more than l need you to do x, y, z so I'll just wait for that and l play the long game.
Even if it doesn't have an immediate effect, the next time she wants a lift to school because it's raining, l remind her why she isn't getting one. Can't control what she does but l can control how l decide to react.
It's tough though x

And yes if any of my DCs were rude there absolutely would be consequences.

Phone, pocket money, WiFi, treat food, lifts - these are all privileges not givens!
The deal is that they help a bit around the house, and are respectful to me, their dad, and each other. They have a pretty good life which I do remind them about occasionally if they start taking things for granted.

We have two teen boys and eating with them, I find if you build up a small amount of time for them to talk it helps everything

So this evening we read out a couple of interesting round ups of the news last week, nothing major, not like the peace deal or anything heavy, one was a piece about a physicist in Tokyo possibly having found the evidence of dark matter, and last week there was a story about AI teddies giving bondage instructions - that sort of thing, much about football players, the politics and economics and corruption within football is staggering, like FIFA giving Trump a peace award last week they aren’t even trying to hide their corruption now!

And listen to them, let them talk, then you build up a more open way of talking to each other and they feel validated with their opinions and feelings.

They are not your little boys anymore, they are growing into young men, they want to be heard. Once you have an easier communication relationship you can explain calmly that if they want to be treated as adults more they need to start acting like one.

Your parent child relationship is changing but it doesn’t have to be for the worse.

The card game sussed is great for nonsense conversation starters, and could be played with all your boys 7 year old included.

Or do a round someone gets to pick 3 songs each evening, take an interest in what they are doing, even if it means having a go on Xbox FIFA just so they can roll their eyes and laugh at how little you can do.

At this age I had to ask DH to have a word every now and again about how boys should talk to their mums and women in general. I think it’s the teenage testosterone. So he would lay the law down and things would improve for a bit.
They definitely should have some chores. And consequences for not doing them after reminders. I also stopped doing laundry for therm aged 14/15 and they had to do it themselves.

Put classicFM on
classical music chills the mood - just in background
get them to eat at the table
be mum referee for a bit
relax
enjoy them

punishments taking phones away fishing out orders - is that the relationship you want?

announce
“right that’s it we are eating at the table from now on, 20 minutes in your busy lives just to eat together that’s all I am asking, plus it’s easier cleaning up the plates and means we won’t be feeding spiders”

it works eventually it does