Overwhelm

[HipHopDontYouStop]

I know many single parents feel this. I know many single parents carry a lot. I’m not looking for congratulations. I just wish I could see a way to make things easier.

But I am overwhelmed. 54 years old and feel like there is nothing to look forward to.

30 hours per week dead end job. Shit pay but really really nice colleagues. No prospects in the job though as in personal progress and development.

Four kids. One 18 year old at university. One 20 year old at home. He Does nothing. Sleeps all day. Refuses to do anything. Younger two at school. They are doing well.

Three dogs who get 5kms walk every day. Two cats who are so easy and lovely. Doing it all alone.

I am so tired all the time. I get to bed at 9pm each night because I am knackered. I won’t change things doing that, will I?

I rarely socialise. Can’t afford it tbh and I am quite dull compared to the dynamic women friends I have. I didn’t focus on a career per se and now I’m stuck. I chose my hard, so to speak, and it’s biting me on the bum now.

I just can’t see how to effect change. And time is marching on. I will be an old lady still doing the same old same old. I wish I could just make changes to make things better, to have things to look forward to that won’t exhaust me as I have to function. I can’t see a way to do it.

I used to think it was enough that I had escaped an abusive marriage three years but it’s just drudge, isn’t it?

You've just got to enjoy the here and now, instead of thinking of it all as a chore look at the positives. Sounds easy and patronising I know. Shit job but nice colleagues? I bet many people would love nice colleagues, you only have to read some of the tales of work based conflict on here.

I bet many go to bed at 9pm on a work night.

Well done having one at uni! The 20yr old needs a kick up the arse but I'm sure you've tried. Withhold funds, tech, WiFi whatever until they get up and do stuff.

HRT?

Your child who sleeps all day can walk the dogs.

Have your bloods checked. You need to be physically well to cope with all of this.

Oh i have asked and told and asked. He does nothing.

Have had them checked. All fine. Normal.

Is it a lot, do you think?

I can just cover my bills but nothing else. Nothing extra.

What are your retirement prospects, Op? Is it a case of grinning and bearing it for 3/4 years?

If the 20 year old isn’t prepared to help, it’s about time he moved out and found out about life???!!

What does he live on? How does he pay for his phone etc?

No way. I will have to work until I drop. Ex cleaned me out. I get 50% of his pension but no doubt he will find a way to avoid giving me that.

Ex pays.

He won’t move out. Big lad. Can’t get him to do anything. He just sleeps. Scrolls. Goes to gym. Sleeps. Scrolls. Shits. Eats.

What do you do if a big man refuses to do what you ask?

Honestly if you can cover all your bills and feed a family of 5 on one less than full time income these days I'd say bloody well done! The cost of living is ridiculous, I'm genuinely impressed.
The 20 year old needs direction; its hard to know if that means support or a kick up the bum though. They really should be doing some chores and paying keep though; at least a share of the utilities & food. Agree with others suggestions of turning off WiFi etc. If they remain in bed with no tech I'd be pushing for a GP appointment.

Can't you increase to fulltime? Not ideal obviously but if you need more income it is sadly the only solution. That and maybe don't replace any pets when they sadly die. 5 pets is a lot to feed and keep what with vets bills etc.

Have you thought about hrt? It may help with mood and energy.

Can't scroll without the WiFi password....

Tell him to move in wirh his df if the df is happy to fund his lazy life?

Again, can’t make him.

Unlimited data.

Erm, call the police?

Oh yes. No more pets ever. Two of the dogs are ex’s. He refuses to take them.

I can’t get more hours. I tried. I will look for another job but I’m not really qualified for much. I’m not afraid of hard work.

There is no point in my focusing on ds20. He’s a lost cause. I have got him psychological help. He’s not interested. Tried to help him find a job. Not interested. I just ignore him now. One day I will have to leave this rented house for a one bed flat and he will have to fend for himself.

Right now I need to focus on trying make things better for me by me.

On what grounds? Say my son won’t leave? You don’t think they will have much time or sympathy for that.

You have a right to evict him. He needs to get a job for his own sake as well as yours, so you're being cruel to be kind if you tell him he has e.g. three months to find some work or he will need to move out. He can go to his Dad's.

lisaslaw.co.uk/when-does-the-bank-of-mum-and-dad-finally-close-a-look-into-adult-child-maintenance/#:~:text=An%20excluded%20occupier%20does%20not,notice%20is%20in%20this%20situation.

I hear you OP, it’s so tough isn’t it. If I’d known my life would be this hard I never would have had kids

You don't sound at all dull. You sound admirably together, you got yourself out of an abusive marriage, and you exhibit a remarkable absence of self-pity about having 'chosen your hard', but you also sound a bit ground down by circumstances, and as if you've retreated from the world a bit because of current circumstances. I think you sound entirely admirable, actually.

AS regards practical advice, I think you should cut yourself some slack. You don't bounce back in a year or two from an abusive marriage. I'd agree with another poster that I'd see my GP and get my general health checked, see if your bloods are OK etc. But what I have personally found transformative is therapy with the right person. Can you possibly stretch to it?