Overwhelm

[HipHopDontYouStop]

I know many single parents feel this. I know many single parents carry a lot. I’m not looking for congratulations. I just wish I could see a way to make things easier.

But I am overwhelmed. 54 years old and feel like there is nothing to look forward to.

30 hours per week dead end job. Shit pay but really really nice colleagues. No prospects in the job though as in personal progress and development.

Four kids. One 18 year old at university. One 20 year old at home. He Does nothing. Sleeps all day. Refuses to do anything. Younger two at school. They are doing well.

Three dogs who get 5kms walk every day. Two cats who are so easy and lovely. Doing it all alone.

I am so tired all the time. I get to bed at 9pm each night because I am knackered. I won’t change things doing that, will I?

I rarely socialise. Can’t afford it tbh and I am quite dull compared to the dynamic women friends I have. I didn’t focus on a career per se and now I’m stuck. I chose my hard, so to speak, and it’s biting me on the bum now.

I just can’t see how to effect change. And time is marching on. I will be an old lady still doing the same old same old. I wish I could just make changes to make things better, to have things to look forward to that won’t exhaust me as I have to function. I can’t see a way to do it.

I used to think it was enough that I had escaped an abusive marriage three years but it’s just drudge, isn’t it?

I don’t want to sound smug, but you need to focus on your own best interests.

First and foremost, kick out your useless son. Pack up his stuff and change the locks if you have to. He’ll fall on his feet somehow - either by leeching of someone else or by getting his act together.

Secondly, dust of your CV. Do some research online or get a book from the library for advice. Really focus on finding better or additional work. Look into getting additional qualifications; there may be help via DWP.

If you can’t rehome the dogs, insist that your kids walk them at least some of the time.

Above all, find something that gives you joy and enriches your life. Do at least one thing a week that gives you joy - reading a book, going to a museum or art gallery, take a walk just for yourself rather than for the dogs, take a Pilates class….. whatever floats your boat.

But the main thing is getting your son to leave. Everything else will seem easier once he’s gone.

One more thing: Get your financial consent order checked by an experienced family solicitor - to reassure yourself about your Ex’s pension, or to take any additional steps that may be necessary.

I just don’t think he is my focus right now.

Not smug at all. Wise words. Thank you.

What would you like your life to look like in 1, 3, 5 years’ time? It’s hard to make changes if you don’t know what you’re aiming for.

Is there any slack in the budget at all to even put £5 or £10 per month away for a “nice things” fund for you? Even if that just buys you some time in a coffee shop with a library book once a month (if that’s your sort of thing).

Could your younger children help out with any of the dog walks if you’re finding them a drag?

Ok. This choked me up. Thank you for such kind words.

Can your children start walking the dogs on certain days so at least that’s out?

I have 2 older dc similar age.

If he is not contributing financially, then he needs to contribute physically. If he is not willing to do either, then sadly he will need to find somewhere else to live.

And you have to mean it - you're helping him as he wont be able to 'adult' when he does leave home.

Another abuse-survivor single mum here @HipHopDontYouStop, sometimes just getting through the day is an achievement, I hear you.

Something a friend said has really helped me, she said "do the easy thing" ie you don't have to cook amazing tea every night, eggs on toast (for example) is fine. And tidy enough is tidy enough (ditto clean) when it comes to the house. Are you/the kids so attached to the pets that you couldn't re-home some of them so there are less creatures that you need to look after? Or ask the Cinnamon Trust to look after them temporarily just to give you a break? Or maybe there's someone locally who would love a dog to walk but can't have one at home?

And allow yourself some time...just half an hour a day to start with, to read a magazine or watch tv or do an exercise class (online if necessary).

Together these two things have bought me a little bit of "me time", not every day, but I'm working on that. And it has gradually allowed me to think about the things I used to enjoy when I wasn't such a drudge...and so I'm planning to make time for some of them when I can find the energy...knowing that they will then help with my energy levels when I do them.

How shit is your pay, if you dropped some hours would you be eligible for Universal Credit? And if you got that would you be eligible for discount on council tax? I'd definitely look into the potential to work less hours if it makes even the slightest difference to the time you have with little or no decrease in income? If you're on MW you might even find it goes up!

The 20 year old I would do nothing for, no cooking or washing, nothing. If they've got time to lie in bed all day then they've got time to look after themselves. And at weekends prioritise doing stuff that you enjoy, ideally with the youngest ones...or the three of you go and see your 18 year old, just to do something different. Or can someone look after the kids just for a day so you can meet up with your friends for lunch?

Mostly, carve out time and if possible money (however small an amount of either) for you. Start putting you first - we get out of the habit of that just being a mum, and when you're a mum escaping an abusive marriage we're so busy looking after everyone else that we forget about ourselves entirely.

If you'd like a buddy to help you do this then I'm here...as I need to do exactly the same. Best of luck love.

Yes you can. If you’re worried that he’ll get physically aggressive then even more reason for him to move out. Tell him if he assaults you, you’ll report him to the police and mean it.

No you can't make him but surely his df is concerned about his lack of motivation too, if he is happy to finance it maybe your ds could ask him to house him, or was he abusive with the dc too?

I'm sorry op, anything we say will sound patronising and useless. It's easy to be an expert in other people's problems. You sound depressed though and that is understandable so at the risk of sounding like a broken record see your gp and discuss hrt
.
If you can't increase hours in your current role maybe a shift a week behind a bar or similar just to give you a bit extra.

You’ve bitten off a lot OP. 4 kids and 3 dogs? I’m assuming you didn’t plan on being single but why have you got three dogs?! That’s a lot for anyone.

Im wondering what’s going on with your 20yr old. Why is he in bed all day? That’s not healthy, is he depressed? Is he open to help? Does he help at all around the house or with the dogs? For his own sake as well as yours, he needs to be stepping up his activity and starting to take responsibility. He won’t get better laying in bed all day (and presumably gaming all night?)

You may not have the resources to do this right now but fine and normal may not mean there is nothing to treat. For example your thyroid can be failing (or undermedicated if you’re already being treated) or your iron can be very low and make you feel completely miserable and still be within range.

Have you seen your test results? That’s a good place to start.

I hope things look up for you soon 💐

@HipHopDontYouStop - you sound like an amazing person!

2 dogs are ex’s. He refuses to take them.

I can’t just dump the dogs.

Do you take your annual leave allowance? Do you have any left to take that you could give yourself a break for a week or so to be at home and at least have a bit of space to try and sort other things.

What job do you do? You say it's not got prospects but switching job, even to the same role, is the best way to get a wage rise. Or think about transferrable skills, I'm sure we could help with similar but different roles ideas.

As for the 20yo. I know you've said he's not your focus, so I'd start treating him like a lodger. If he's not depressed or anything, do nothing for him. No clothes washed, no cooking etc. You're not his maid and I think it might be easier to accept his lack of help around the house if you're not doing his share. If he wants something washed offer to talk him through how to use the machine but otherwise it's his job. If he leaves stuff in the machine when you need it, put it in a basket and leave for him to hang up. Just disengage.

I hope there is some light at the end of the tunnel soon.

How old are the younger two? Are all the kids your ex's? Why isn't he taking the dogs and his layabout son if he's already funding him?

You sound like you have everything together, actually but fuck that! Son's belongings and dogs would be deposited at ex's door. I'm not even joking.

How are the other two children with helping? Could they be given more chores to do, to take some of the day to day load off you?

I’d say the daily 5km dog walk is probably really doing you good, both with the exercise and fresh air. I always feel better after getting out with mine, even in this crappy weather. Can you build nice things in, such as plan to walk with a friend sometimes and take some coffee (or wine in the evening), or listen to a good podcast or audio book while walking.

Same with just day to day small treats. I know they don’t change the big things, but getting something you really enjoy eating, a hot bath with a glass of wine, treating yourself to a good book or film- nice things just for you. Maybe get a yoga or workout on YouTube to follow.

Please reach out to your friends also- maybe low cost things like a drink at someone’s house.

Workwise, what do you do, do you have any ideas for what you might like to do?

Do you know the walks with the dogs have got me through some very dark times. I never regret going on a walk. I do listen to podcasts when walking. Motivational ones like The Mindset Mentor. I like his podcasts. They are brisk and encouraging. And I meet friends twice a week on Friday and Sunday morning to walk with them. So there are big plusses. I mean, walking is supposed to be so very good for you. I should count the dogs as a blessing even on the days when I’m walking them at 5.30am because I am at the office all day!

@january1244I would love to own my own business. I was thinking about a subscription box business.

I work as a fundraiser I write applications for funding. It’s quite dull but as I said, the team are great. And it’s quite flexible. If I have a sick child, they’re fine for me to work from home etc.

I would love to move out of the charity sector though. But do what? I sorely lack confidence.

You honestly sound like you are doing great! And even listening to motivational podcasts etc about changing your life. I’m definitely more into escapism, rather than self improvement 😅

You’re managing FOUR children (and teens at that), pets, a job (that is skilled and not dead end) and seeing friends etc.

I don’t know anything about running a business, hopefully others might have advice there. But you must have so many transferable skills. Charities don’t pay that well, I wonder if there are other careers you could do utilising some of those.

That’s a lovely idea, and something you could probably start as a side hustle, particularly if you could get the lazy arse to leave so you can use his room as storage!

Then if it takes off you could reduce your hours or give up your job entirely, but you could dip your toe in the water first so limited stress when starting out.

Have you thought about working for a local authority or college/university? Probably not very well paid either but hopefully a bit better than what you are on. Plus better benefits and pensions provision. This would also allow you to broaden your experience, which could be a useful stepping stone to a better career.

Have you read What Color is your Parachute or other self help books aiming to help improving one's professional prospects.

OP, if I had a house to run as a single parent, four DC (stepping aside the lazy arse 20yo), three dogs and two cats, plus a job, I wouldn't be standing. You're amazing and you do enough.