How to handle Christmas with split parents and a long-term partner?

[orchid1384]

I’d really appreciate some advice on how others handle Christmas, or how you’d approach this if you were in my position.

Context
I’m in my late 20s and in a long-term relationship (8 years). We’ve always spent Christmas apart — partly because we were young at the start, and partly in recent years because it felt like the easiest way to keep everyone happy.

At the moment, we don’t have a place of our own as we’re travelling full-time and just come back occasionally to see family. Hopefully by next Christmas, or definitely the one after, we’ll have our own place — which might change things. That said, we may end up living a few hours away from both our families, which feels like it could complicate things even more.

My family situation
I’m an only child and my parents split when I was 17, so Christmas has looked different every year since. Usually, I spend Christmas Day with my mum, and Christmas Eve/Boxing Day with my dad. We’re not close to extended family, so in recent years it’s often just been me and my mum on Christmas Day. It can be quite lonely, but I’ve got used to it.

My dad has been with his partner a few years who has a large family, so he usually has a full and busy Christmas. Where as my mum lives alone. She’s close to one of my aunties but sometimes feels like she’s intruding if my auntie is with her own kids.

This year
This year, my partner and I will be spending Christmas separately again, mainly for ease. My mum and I are going to my aunt and uncle’s, which will be a change from it being just the two of us. My dad is away this year, which made that decision easier.

The dilemma
I’m trying to work out how we transition into my partner and I spending Christmas together from next year onwards.

I find it really difficult navigating Christmas with split parents, especially knowing that my mum is often on her own. I feel guilty if I don’t spend Christmas Day with her, but I also feel guilty that I haven’t spent Christmas Day with my dad in a long time.

My boyfriend is very easy-going. He loves spending Christmas with his family, but I know he’d be happy to change things if I asked. That said, I feel guilty asking him to miss out on a busy, traditional family Christmas (parents together, grandparents, siblings) just to come and spend the day with me and my mum alone. If anything, that would feel like more pressure — at least with me and my mum we just sit and watch films all day.

I’d also love to start sharing Christmas with his family too, but that adds another layer to an already complicated situation.

Looking ahead
Long-term, I know we’ll need to start splitting Christmas in some way but I’m struggling with:

• How to do that fairly
• How to manage the guilt around leaving my mum on her own/what are the solutions
• How others with split families make this work

If anyone has been in a similar situation or has advice, I’d love to hear how you navigate it x

Like you, my DM is alone so we always have her for Xmas day. My DF and DPs divorced parents have other partners/families and we see them at other times over the festive period.

My partner and I have been together for ten years, live together, have a dog etc but we still do separate Christmas days just because it suits us with older parents. I have siblings but part of the reason for this is me not wanting to spend it away from my mum and family. My partner and I have our Christmas once we get home or on boxing day.

This works for us and we agreed it early on. DP prefers a low key day, as do I.

We stay at home and invite anyone who wants to to come to us.

Have you talked to your mam about it? My mam is alone, but very much doesn't want me to feel I have to feel responsible for her. There might be years you see her Christmas Eve or boxing day instead. She might have her own ideas about friends she could be with or might not mind a quiet Christmas alone some years.

Being an only child in this situation is really hard and I say this as an only child! What I will say is that you cannot keep everyone happy and you do sometimes need to put yourself first. Your dm needs to slowly understand that your life is changing and that means you want to spend holidays and time with your partner and his family. You cannot be responsible for her happiness at times like these. It took me many many years to feel able to do this but you do need to. By trying to keep everyone else happy you will always feel stressed at Christmas so begin to have conversations with her now. Some years you will be with her on the day and others it will be before or after.

My partner and I and my DD are doing Xmas just the 3 of us (+ stinky dog) in a woodland cabin the weekend before Xmas. We want our own family Christmas but I'm 48 and have done every other Xmas with my parents and sister so cannot cause a family rift by not going there on the big day (all 3 of us + stinky dog go to my parents). Is that an option for you? You get your own Xmas and still see everyone else also? It does help that I'm pretty happy to just delegate a day as Xmas, Easter, Birthday etc. to fit into what's convenient rather than having to use the same date as everyone else because surely it's what you do on that date that makes it special not what's on the calendar.

As an only child, I can empathise hugely. My situation is different as my Mum has passed away but it is literally just my Dad and me left. We're not hugely close to extended family, so it's never been an option for him to visit or see others. The last couple years he has come to stay and my ILs have been happy to have us over.

Sometimes I do feel quite wistful, thinking it would be nice for me and my partner to go away for Christmas or something but we could never do that to my Dad.

My partner's dad is also by himself at Xmas. But he lives very far, divorced when my partner was young and recently divorced from his second wife. My partner sees him separately around Xmas but just a different set up.

We have some split families and widows in our and inlaws family. BIL’s mum, nieces dh’s dad, SIL’s sister etc.

All invites are extended to them too as the person inviting knows they would otherwise be left alone which no one wants to see.

The way my niece does it is she invites both sets of parents (hers and her dh’s) to hers, or they decline invites saying she is having her mum this year, and the invite is usually extended to her mum too.

It can be awkward for the “onlies” the first couple of times as they feel as though they are intruding, but as long as everyone goes out of their way to make them feel part of an extend family, treat them like a vip guest, tell them how pleased you are they came, it quicKly becomes a Christmas norm and they slot right in.

it can make for a tight squeeze at times, last year my Christmas “chair” at the dinning table was a side table with a cushion on top 🤣 not too comfy but they are the best and warmest Christmas memories.

Can your mum join you at your boyfriends house?
if that’s not possible, then the fairest way to do it it one year with your family, one year with his.
if You have children eventually, then you may want to do it at your place when you get one. Then just invite people to yours or welcome people to drop in.
some people are happy to be alone at Christmas and see it as any other day. But if this would make your mum sad then you shouldn’t leave her alone

@orchid1384

With those dynamics it is invariably going to be somewhat tricky.

Totally agree with @mumonthehill your starting point should be, what would your and your partner's favourite Christmas, look like?

Dependent on the personalities of your extended families, there may always be someone who won't like your decision.

That's their problem though, not yours. 🎄

Maybe it's time for you to build new traditions that work better for you. This is why we have our Christmas dinner on a day that works for all of our family, not the 25th. Both my DH and I are divorced and some of our adult children have partners too. So we find a date that works for them, have a lovely day and then a small Christmas for anyone who still wants to stay on. It was my idea after I discovered one of our DC had eaten two Christmas dinners just to keep everyone happy. I hate to add more stress to their lives just because it's Christmas.

Can your mum join you at your boyfriend's house? We are in the situation of your boyfriend's parents in your scenario, and are happy to host our sons' girlfriends Mum for Christmas (this will be the 4th year we've done this). The more the merrier for us (and she brings cauliflower cheese for 20 with her which is a delicious extra addition to our traditional lunch)

I have split parents, and a husband who I live with (perhaps obviously!).

We see my mum on Xmas day morning, as she is alone. Afternoon is for us as a couple. Mum is tipsy and enjoying her Christmas shows on her own by then anyway! Enjoys seeing us, but also enjoys being rid of us I think lol.

See my dad and stepmum on boxing day lunchtime, as I always have.

Used to see his parents the 27th or 28th. Mum and dad, they oft n had company Christmas day.

We basically prioritised my mum Xmas day as she's a Billy-no-mates otherwise, and then the rest went wherever they wanted and it became routine.

My husband lost his dad this year though, so plan was changed to I see my mum Christmas morning, and he sees his... However it seems she has made other arrangements for herself still anyway so we might actually be sticking to original set up. We're gonna check with her again to make sure she's still OK with it.

Could your mum join you, your partner and his family for Christmas Day? And you spend Boxing Day with dad if he's got a house full

When I was 30 I was in exactly the same boat as you (although I do have siblings), a more isolated mother with smaller family and dad remarried with much bigger wider family. I usually split Christmas between them. Then partner and I decided (after 8 years) we wanted to spend Christmas together and things went into a 3 year rotation - mum, dad or ILs alternated getting Christmas day and we would fit in seeing the other two either side. While this helped with the transition tbh it was exhausting, but it worked OK until DD came along. Dragging a toddler/ preschooler all around the country in late December was not great, we got ill every time. Now 40 I am not travelling at all over Christmas this year. We have just been to visit my mum for a Christmasy weekend in her city and will see my dad for a meal next weekend. It hasn't brought as much backlash as I feared and luckily my aunt (mum's sister) has been particularly supportive of the decision. Mum usually spends Christmas with her anyway and this year it is just the two of them as my siblings also have other plans.

I'm not really sure what my advice is other than - while you have the energy it probably is worth trying to spend time with everyone alternately and then when the time comes that needs to change you will feel much less guilty about putting yourself first as you've previously made the effort.

I’m in same situation as you - or was. But my partner and I did do Christmas together from very early on rather than going our own way. I had always alternated my Mum and Dad for xmas day, and so all we did was add another set of people into that mix. My parents already used to every other Christmas with me. Partner’s parents are further away and so we do 5day or a week with them (which rather makes up for the fact they only get us every 3 years for the day!). If seeing one of mine we might do xmas eve and day with one, Boxing Day and next with other and then the week over new year with partners. If at partners do the week up to. Travel on boxing day and then do xmas with others from there… it extends Christmas but is exhausting. Not as bad as one year with an ex when we managed two Christmas day visits (morning and lunch with one afternoon, dinner and evening with another and next day with the third. Felt a bit too Vicar of Dibly!)

Sadly, as parents have gotten older it’s become more about who we think we probably should be with for the day! (And who might be least offended). And now my mother is out of that equation (very advanced dementia - not dead) so we see her around it but not on the day, so it’s back to alternate Christmases now.

Is there anyone else your Mum could see on Christmas Day? How far apart is everyone?

Absolutely the dream is always to host. Sadly the reality is often not that easy. Older parents stuck in their ways and want to host Christmas, partner’s siblings, and wether divorced parents and sets of inlaws would actually want to spend Christmas together (or you’d want that!).

I long for a ‘just us’ Christmas because it’s exhausting. But it’s about family so we do it.

Good luck with it all!

Does your mum live anywhere near your boyfriend’s parents? Could she tag along, solves so many problems, I’d happily invite anyone to be honest!

A) one year your spend Xmas Eve and Xmas day with his family and then boxing day and the day after with yours and then switch it every year.

B) You say you’re spending Xmas at home and if people would like to come round please make it known so you can arrange timings to fit every one.

You’ll probably find with option B that his large family won’t be bothered about coming Xmas day and maybe it will fall to Boxing Day and then that mean you can host your mum and dad at separate times over Xmas Eve and Xmas day.

Op you sound like a lovely daughter & girlfriend. Could you ask them to call at yours in Christmas Day?

It's very easy, OP. Once you have a long-term partner and your own home, then you have Christmas at your home, just the two of you. There is no need to see your parents but, if you want to, you can visit one or both of them on different days during the holiday period.

DH and I have been together since we were teens and both have separated parents - so 4 homes to visit! We also did separate family Christmases until we were mid-late 20s as it was just easier.

We usually do my mum's on Christmas eve (as that's when my stepsister goes there with her family), Christmas morning at home with DS, over to DH's mum's for late lunch on Christmas day, DH's dad's on Boxing Day and then lunch with my dad somewhere between then and NYE.

Some years we swap the mums around/go to my mum's for breakfast; one year we had two Christmas dinners to keep everyone happy, which I do not recommend!

Its a bit manic tbh; we've discussed just doing our own thing at home but I like DS to see his cousins & frankly I don't fancy cooking so put up with the driving. No one is more than 1hr15 mins away, which helps.

I used to get really stressed about fairness and keeping everyone happy but now my mantra is that its not our fault that our parents all decided to separate, we've just making the best of the situation!

After 7 years together, with split Christmases and our parents never having met, we hosted both sides of the family once we bought our first home. It was a small house but we managed to fit everyone in, ate and played games. A great ice breaker and great Xmas Day for all. DM is shy so I invited her sister and husband along for the day too. DH and I never been apart on Christmas Day since.

Not completely the same situation, but me and my partner were similar to you in the sense that we were young when we got together so we always spent big chunks of Christmas separate.

I would be at my parents with my youngest sister in the morning, then my other sister and nephews would join, then have lunch there and my husband would join at my parents in the afternoon and in to the evening. He would spend the morning at his grandparents and lunch at his Mum's (and would see his Dad at his grandparents)

His mum then passed away and he wanted to start having lunch at his grandparents, and we got married a year after his mum passed. I then started having lunch at his grandparents with him (partly because his Nan is an incredible cook!) but also because we were now married.

This year has now got added complications because one sister is working and we won't be seeing her at all, and my husbands grandad passed away recently, meaning any part of the day we weren't with her, she would potentially be alone as her only son (my husbands dad) usually only stays a few hours with his family. My parents then split up, this ended up being temporary as I've no idea how we would have navigated that on top!

This year (I think) is looking like:
me and my husband open presents together

I then go to my parents to exchange presents and probably watch an Xmas film whilst my husband goes to his Nan's to see his Dad and half siblings

We (me AND my parents) are going to my husband's nan's for lunch.

Then my mum is hosting a buffet and games for everyone in the evening at hers where we will all go, including my husband's Nan if she wants to come and isn't too tired!

You and your mum go to your DPs family for Christmas!

When my Mum and Dad split up, we did Christmas Day with and Boxing Day with the other and swapped each year. Then when you grow up and have in laws, it creates more issues! However my mum and dad will now spend Xmas together so we do it at ours now and invite them both and if my MIL is alone then I invite her too. The next year we will go to my in laws and my Mum will be with her sister and nieces. I understand that may not be possible for you and your situation but could you at least have your mum and in laws together and see your dad the next day. Or vice versa. It’s hard, but your mum has been lucky to have you every year and she must be expecting that will eventually change and it’s not like she will be alone if she can go to her sisters.