Child hates reception - is this normal?

[Childhatesschool23]

DC started school in September and every evening/morning he is very emotional and says he hates school/hates his teacher/hates the other children and doesn’t want to go. The morning are filled with a lot of crying and refusing to get ready. For context child has ASD, but went to nursery 3/4 days a week from the age of 1 and seemed to love it and have no issues going. School have said he seems fine once there, but have also said he often has emotional outbursts and refuses to participate in activities.

Should I change his school?

I’d be seeking a meeting with the SENCO and understanding what reasonable adjustments the school could make to help

I wouldn’t change school without exploring ways to improve the situation. What support is he getting from the SEND team and his teacher? Is he able to identify something in particular that he dislikes or is scared of? Playtime can be a big hurdle.

It is really hard to have a child who is upset and anxious but supporting him through this transition is likely more help to him than uprooting him to start from scratch elsewhere.

DD has ASD too. We found if she slept earlier (and woke earlier) she was better in the mornings because she had time to prepare for school & we could build a predictable routine that didn’t rush her. Eg wake at 6, brush teeth, wash face, get ready, breakfast, listen to stories /play with toys & arrive to school early so she can run around first. It may be painful at first but once you built the routine it will make things much easier.

My youngest (suspected ND) struggled hard with Reception but so far is doing better in year 1. We have a very rigid morning routine which seems to help. When things were at their worst I did pretty much all of the getting ready for him - dressed him, gave him very free choice of breakfast, and gave lots of time so that we weren't rushed at any point. Just to keep the demands as low as possible in the morning.

My worry with moving your DS would be that he'd just do exactly the same at a new school. As pp said, I'd be asking the school to work harder on making him feel secure and settled. If he's not being that disruptive while he's there, they will probably take a bit of nudging to actually do anything.

As a (very) bare minimum, if he says he doesn't like the other children they should be supporting him more with making friendships and having social interactions with his peers.

His communication is poor so trying to get much detail isn’t possible. He has said it’s too noisy/the kids are mean/the teachers angry. I’ve met with SENCO and she didn’t seem too bothered. An Educational Psychologist recently suggested 1 to 1, but we don’t know yet if funding will be available for that.

Honestly, it’s probably just a lot for a 4 year old. It will be the same at any other school though in uk.

We are overseas and my 5 year old is still at nursery, he won’t start until Sept after he turns 6. And I can see now that 4 is just so young to expect formal education. Some children will cope, but it’s a struggle for many. The main remedy unfortunately is just time, as the months go on he will adapt

Maybe some of the solutions above will help. I know mine also copes better in situations when he has time to wake up unrushed. So maybe making sure they they up 30 mins earlier than now. ( if they aren’t already awake early). And try to have plenty of afternoons at home to chill inside or outside at park or on bike etc instead of too many structured activities

Change the school, find a better fit. It’s sometimes a very simple solution to a huge worry. I’ve done it a number of times and it’s always been for the best (even it’s hideous making the call)

In general I would not just change schools, because the same thing would likely be the case in another school.

I think he's probably describing the issue accurately. It's noisy, too much going on, too chaotic. They aren't bothered at the school because that is what almost all schools are like and they think it's normal. (It shouldn't be, it is stressful and horrible for many children.)

FWIW - this was me at school. I loved the first day, I hated it after that. It was just too overwhelming. Mostly the teacher thought I was fine but I didn't like it there and it coloured my feelings about school right up into my teenage years.

The only exception, for me, was the second year. My teacher after my first year suggested I repeat - my parents, who thought I was bright, were shocked, and took me for an assessment, where it was suggested I could be moved to a better setting, skipped with supports, or repeat with supports. My parents moved me to a private school to repeat - it was a class of ten and half days, and I loved it. We actually covered more school material. Unfortunately they couldn't afford to keep me there after that year.

If you can find a quiet little school OP, I would try that. Or, just keep him home an extra year. Kids with ASD are often developmentally behind in terms of emotional maturity and he could very well benefit from just waiting a year to start into a big classroom. It could also be good when he gets to the teenage years as he is also likely to lag a bit socially behind his peers at that point which can lead to other issues.

As far as 1:1, my instinct is that it isn't going to address the actual issues that your son is describing.

@Childhatesschool23 I'm unclear from what you've said whether he has an ehcp in place, or has had a needs assessment, since you say 'funding may not be available' for a 1 to 1. Either way, the issue is that he has unmet needs, so you'd do better communicating with the school about that than simply moving him.

Yes that was my concern that it would just be the same at any school. The school overall seems like a good school. He naturally wakes very early so we have plenty of time in the mornings. After school he is very emotionally and just wants to go home and refuses to do anything. It’s just such a change from his generally happy self to just constantly seeming anxious and on edge now. Even on weekends if we go somewhere that’s the same direction as the school he we start screaming/crying because he thinks we are going there.

If you are in England, is there an EHCP in place or an application in progress? If the EP has said that 1:1 is needed then the local authority should fund it - though they may try to wriggle out of it and you might need to go to tribunal to enforce it.

Don't move schools, especially if you're mid way through the EHCP progress. Are the school doing the obvious basic things like giving him ear defenders, creating a quiet corner/safe place he can go to, using visual timetables so he knows what is happening next? Are the teachers aware that he might be misinterpreting tone so that even a firm tone might register as angry to him? Does the school have a sensory room?

Once you have 1:1 in place, they can do things like take him out of the classroom for sensory breaks that might also help. Could one of the TAs do that now? My experience is that schools often can do things like this, but won't suggest them unless you propose it.

ETA - my DS is autistic and the first term of school was very hard, especially with the after school meltdowns/restraint collapse that you describe. He has found year 1 a lot easier than reception because its more structured, but my sense is that he needs less support than your DS.

How old? Its very common for younger boys to struggle, especially if they are not really used to having demands placed on them

Changing school unlikely to help unless you can work out what he's struggling with at this school.

If he's saying it is too noisy, that's something which might be useful - could he be offered ear defenders?

Can you ask the SENCo if they would be able to spend any time observing him in class - apparently this can be v useful because obviously the teacher's attention is split between all the pupils but if one person is observing just your DS they will be able to see all the little things which perhaps turn into issues that seem random or disruptive on his part. For example if he's missing part of an instruction and then doesn't know what to do, which may look like he's being obstinate without the first bit of context.

My DD was like this, she was also diagnosed with ASD at age 4. We started her at a school nursery at age 3 and she hated it and it just got worse into reception, she was in nursery when they closed for Covid which I think made it worse because then home schooling was seen as an option to her.

The Senco was rubbish, didn’t communicate with the class teacher about anything we discussed and not willing to help make any adjustments other than cutting her hours (and I work in SEN so it wasn't as if I was as clueless about what they could do). After a term of reception we pulled her out and took a tour of the local schools with DD and involved her in the decision so it was a school she had chosen. The school she liked was the worst on paper but at that point it didn’t matter, the SENCo and slt were (are) fantastic, the head and deputy would carry her in screaming every morning and take her for walks around the field to calm her. She’s 8 now and loves school, does multiple extracurriculars and is doing brilliantly academically. Finding a school she liked and staff that would work with her made a massive difference, I would have a look at other schools and a chat with the SENCo and see if there’s any that seem a better fit.

It's going to be a long road. Get into speak to the senco asap.
All the children I know that have asd and hated school to the point where they started to refuse, run away, hide, melt down etc as the years went on, ended up going to sen school which suited them better and they were/are happier there but had to suffer through until they got a place.
The key is to get on the pathway as soon as possible as I know some children who had problems all the way through and it took until year 6 to get the echp and place. So much of their education lost due to not coping in the standard school system and being forced to attend.

The EHCP application is in progress. I haven’t received the report back yet but verbally the Edu Psych said one to one would be beneficial.

He doesn’t like anything touching his head so ear defenders aren’t an option. The class set up means he can go off a do another activity if he wants.

I think part of the issue is the conflicting views of school/us tbh. His teacher has repeatedly mentioned “oppositional defiance” when he won’t engage/answer questions - but I genuinely don’t think he understands and oppositional defiance is not something that’s ever been mentioned before/don’t think it fits at all. The Edu Psych mentioned PDA and using low demand techniques. With previous issues for example child eloping when gates opened they responded by holding him next to the gate whilst everyone else went out first and a couple of times it ended in physical restraint that just seemed unnecessary to me.

My dd2 was like this.

8 years on and we're looking at an autism diagnosis.

It was a really hard time, so you have my thoughts!

I can sympathise. My DD found reception the worst school year, not only because of the change to a school environment, but also because of the way reception is set up. Reception tends to be a free flow, play focused year, so can be overwhelming easily. When DD got older and started sitting for lessons in a set place, things became a lot easier. Saying that, I recently moved DD schools and it made the world of difference.

In reception, I found the sticking to routines and cutting back things outside school really helped (we didn’t start any extra-curricular activities until year 2)

Ask to see the Ed Psych's report, or if you can have a phone call with the Ed Psych. Ask the school what they can implement now, without extra funding. If the EHCP application has been submitted and they are assessing, that's great: there are legal timelines the LA has to stick to. If they are gathering evidence to submit at a later stage, I would submit the application yourself.

Definitely ask for a speech therapy assessment as part of the EHCP, whether or not DS is under speech therapy already. I agree that it is more likely that DS doesn't understand a question or doesn't understand he has to answer or isn't able to answer; oppositional defiance (especially as a psychological condition) is a crazy leap for a 4/5 year old with an autism diagnosis - and absolutely doesn't tally with their statement that he's fine once there.

Are they still doing the holding him by the gate while everyone else goes first? That isn't going to work for an autistic child. The accommodation should be that he leaves five minutes before the end of the day.

That gate incident as absolutely terrible! Shows they have no understanding of ND children! I would research reasonable adjustments and go back to meet with Senco with a list of possible ones you think would work with your DS.

The EHCP application was submitted by his old nursery and is very delayed. We have already reached the highest level of complaint about it which has sped it along a bit, but I doubt it’ll be finalised any time soon.

SaLT assessment said very low understanding of communication. Autism report, OT, SaLT, nursery report etc all given to school in a meeting before he started. I don’t think they’ve actually read/ passed on any of this information to his teachers though as his teacher asked me a few weeks in to him starting whether he was autistic…

We’ve had many meetings with SENCO but it’s always been around pushing for the EHCP and that there is no support available without it. And that he’s not the worst of the children they have so to not worry.

I find it worrying that the senco is saying no support without EHCP. They should be able to provide a certain level of support.

If the LA is in breach of the statutory timescales, have you sent a pre-action letter?

Would be beneficial is far too vague and woolly. Reports need to be detailed, specified and quantified. If they aren’t, the EHCP will be poor.

You mention SALT and OT; what are their reports like? Do they cover all needs? What provision do they include in their reports?

Request another meeting with the SENCO. Follow up all verbal conversations with emails so you have a paper trail as evidence. The school must make reasonable adjustments and must make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN, EHCP or not. It is unlikely full-time 1:1 can be provided without an EHCP, but what other support have they tried?

It is unlikely DS is ‘fine’ once in school. The school just isn’t recognising it for what it is. Have they tried arriving/leaving 5/10 mins early? Arriving/leaving via a quieter entrance?

Normal for autistic children, school is not set up for them.

At the end of the school day he will be exhausted and overwhelmed. Try to give him as much quiet, calm predictability at that stage. Don’t expect him to tell you about his day immediately. Let him have time to process, give him a snack and a drink and play for a bit.