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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No more Christmas gifts or birthday presents.

35 replies

LA1988 · 08/12/2025 10:42

Since I left my youngest childs dad he has only ever given them a £25 xbox gift card for their birthday/Christmas (that's one gift card to cover both) last year I challenged it & asked why it was that amount & only for a specific thing when his other children (who live with him) get lots of presents on both their birthdays & Christmas so we agreed i could pick up gifts around birthday & Christmas time for our child. Everything went fine. I picked the gifts up, thanked him, was polite etc (we didnt end on good terms). Now this year he didnt send any gift cards for their birthday or even buy any gifts. Instead hes said any money he would spend on them usually for birthday /Christmas he will put to one side & they can have it when their older enough (he didnt specify age etc) of course I asked why & he said it was "no longer logistically possible" I dont see how when I picked them up last year after a 12hr work shift both times. When I asked if he would be doing the same with his other 2 children (not giving them gifts & putting it to one side) he ignored me. My argument is why is my child being treated differently to the others? Why do they get to open their gifts on their birthdays and at Christmas when my child gets nothing. I think its really unfair but my ex refuses to discuss the matter any further

OP posts:
Goditsmemargaret · 08/12/2025 10:49

Bastard.

Sorry OP. I'd put all my energy into my relationship with them. He doesn't deserve them.

Rhaidimiddim · 08/12/2025 10:54

He is sending a clear message that he doesn't value his child with you enough to bother. (And don't expect him to ever hand over the money he claims he is putting aside.)

Oh, and don't assume it is him choosing, or even funding, the presents for the other children. It is probably their mother doing that for them.

gamerchick · 08/12/2025 10:56

My ex doesn't tip up for his kids either. They learn later on and he'll reap what he has sown. I tended to try and make up for it at my end rather than get something from him. I'm not sure what else you can do.

But I wouldn't allow child to go over to dad's at Christmas though. It'll be torture to see siblings with gifts and no been bothered with.

NuffSaidSam · 08/12/2025 10:57

It is unfair.

But presumably you know your ex is a dick. That's why he's an ex right?

Don't stress yourself over it. Have a lovely Christmas with your DC.

Lmnop22 · 08/12/2025 11:25

Does he never spend a birthday or Christmas at his dad’s house? Surely he wouldn’t simply not mark the occasion with any gifts at all if your DC was there?

This is heartbreaking that he wouldn’t want to buy
and give presents to his own child. All you can do is what is single mums always have to do and pick up the slack and make your little one feel all the love and attention he could ever need from you and forget all about the stupid ex!

I buy all my DC’s birthday and Christmas presents and still label them from mummy and daddy even though he hasn’t bought a single one because I don’t want them to feel rejected and that matters more than how difficult it is for me to write that on the tag and give him half my credit.

Endofyear · 08/12/2025 11:44

He sounds like a scumbag. I would just buy an extra few pressies for your little one and not expect his/her dad to step up. He's being a lazy crap parent but there's nothing you can do about that. When your child is older, he or she will probably ask why dad hasn't got them anything for their birthday/Xmas and you will have to say you don't know why and that they should ask their dad why he hasn't got them anything.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/12/2025 11:47

Your child will see him for what he is when older. Very sad for them though.

Justcallmedaffodil · 08/12/2025 11:50

You can’t control other people OP. You have to let this go and move past it, for the sake of your child.

DirtyDancing · 08/12/2025 14:39

My Dad was the same with me. He’s an arsehole. I severed contact with him when I was a teenager and had enough of being let down by him. Don’t make any excuses for him, you don’t need to be negative about him to your kids, but as they get older and ask you questions be completely honest. That’s what my Mum did with me and I valued her being straight forward with me when I asked questions. I have no anger towards him now I’m in my 40s, I just consider myself to not have a Dad.

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 08/12/2025 14:50

I suspect the mother of his other children does the Christmas and birthday shopping. He is however being unfair, tell him to send you the money and you will buy something suitable, not ideal solution but you will at least know they are getting something to open on the day

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2025 14:54

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 08/12/2025 14:50

I suspect the mother of his other children does the Christmas and birthday shopping. He is however being unfair, tell him to send you the money and you will buy something suitable, not ideal solution but you will at least know they are getting something to open on the day

This. If you think he is lovingly buying piles of presents for his other children, you're wrong. Women are doing all the heavy lifting.

He's scum.

Halloweeeeeeeeen · 08/12/2025 14:55

He doesn’t want to. He is a shit dad and despicable person. Stop any contact with him, he enjoys the control. I hope you get CMS from him.

BellaBal · 08/12/2025 14:58

He’s a bad person and a worse dad.

Lets hope he gets piles, bunions and a bad case of flu and spends Christmas being really miserable!

Catcooper25uk · 08/12/2025 15:06

If you think that's bad wait until u hear what my exh did when we split. His exact words for why he didnt want to see the kids after he left was "its easier for me to think of them as dead" which was really haunting as just this year our daughter who was only 13 passed away this year of a genetic condition and he didnt even come to the funeral that I literally had to sort out myself so nothing surprises me when it comes to these narc men.

Happyjoe · 08/12/2025 15:07

He is a shit, sorry, I hate it when people take broken relationships out on the children. You won't change him, just be the best mum possible and ignore the man.

Happyjoe · 08/12/2025 15:08

BellaBal · 08/12/2025 14:58

He’s a bad person and a worse dad.

Lets hope he gets piles, bunions and a bad case of flu and spends Christmas being really miserable!

Yes!!

BauhausOfEliott · 08/12/2025 15:15

Does he actually see your children? It really sounds to me as if he's phasing them out of his life, which is awful but possibly for the best if he's as much of a shitbag as he sounds.

nomas · 08/12/2025 15:50

YANBU. He'll be calling you grabby, the bastard.

TheGirlattheBack · 08/12/2025 15:56

Do you already have a saving’s account for your child? My reply would be “Great, here’s the account details for his savings account so you can transfer the cash there”.

mummybear35 · 08/12/2025 16:03

Because he’s an arse! Simple as that. I always wonder why women choose such men to have kids with, I’d like to think the signs were there before the commitment was made..just don’t bother anymore with him. Your kids will see him for the arse he is when they’re older..

ScreamingInfidelities · 08/12/2025 16:05

Arsehole. I hope his next shite is a hedgehog.

Marmight · 08/12/2025 16:08

Catcooper25uk · 08/12/2025 15:06

If you think that's bad wait until u hear what my exh did when we split. His exact words for why he didnt want to see the kids after he left was "its easier for me to think of them as dead" which was really haunting as just this year our daughter who was only 13 passed away this year of a genetic condition and he didnt even come to the funeral that I literally had to sort out myself so nothing surprises me when it comes to these narc men.

I'm sorry for your loss. x

There are no words in existence that can adequately describe or explain the behaviour of your ex.

Catcooper25uk · 08/12/2025 16:14

Marmight · 08/12/2025 16:08

I'm sorry for your loss. x

There are no words in existence that can adequately describe or explain the behaviour of your ex.

Show quote history

Believe me I stopped trying to understand people like that time ago saves on all the heartache I dont waste my energy on vile ppl like that just make time for those that are there for me.
Thanks for your kind words x

AnneShirleyBlythe · 08/12/2025 16:15

Catcooper25uk · 08/12/2025 15:06

If you think that's bad wait until u hear what my exh did when we split. His exact words for why he didnt want to see the kids after he left was "its easier for me to think of them as dead" which was really haunting as just this year our daughter who was only 13 passed away this year of a genetic condition and he didnt even come to the funeral that I literally had to sort out myself so nothing surprises me when it comes to these narc men.

This is one of the worst things I’ve read on here! I am so sorry for your loss @Catcooper25uk. What a horrible man your ex is. 💐

Iliketulips · 08/12/2025 16:50

Not sure how old your DC are, but at some point they'll ask why they don't receive anything from him - when that happens, tell them to ask him! You obviously feel bad for them now, but long term they won't forget they didn't receive anything from him and it'll be something they tell other people about!!!

You mentioned you'd picked them up after working, does he pick them the other end (ie when they go to his)? If not, tell him, it's 'no longer logistically possible' to do both drop off and pick up!

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