To ask why I’m being ignored ?

[Normalorproblem]

AIBU to outright ask for a reason as to why I suddenly being virtually ignored by family ?

I always had regular call and text contact with DM who lives at the opposite end of the country. In the last few months if I call she says ‘sorry can’t talk’ I tried to arrange to see her and she said ‘no too busy’ or ‘no I’m seeing your sister instead’
I drove there one day on the off chance on my day off but nobody was in.
she’s in good health as far as I’m aware.
sister won’t speak to me but never really has as there was an incident a few years ago she got drunk at Xmas and really tried it on with my dh in front of everyone and said some unpleasant things about me.

I always have text dm a lot but she doesn’t reply now and if she does it’s one word responses .We used to share photos of baking we had done , I’d send pictures of the dc she would send pictures of her cats. I’ve noticed on WA that if I message her she is I think immediately letting my sister know ? As she will be online and they both are (I think I’ve got a bit neurotic checking this tbh) it’s as if dm notifies if I contact and is told if she can reply or not ? This happened once before after above drunk incident dm accidentally text me ‘what do you want me to say? Of course I’m on your side but I don’t know who I can talk to or what I’m meant to say?’ After that when I still was seeing DM suddenly my sister was there each time as well acting like some kind of supervisor to contact almost ?

Do I try to somehow get to speak to DM on my own and ask her directly what’s happening?

I really feel for you, but I think your Mum is stuck in the middle. I suspect that because your sister is nearby, she's worried about losing other relationships and a source or sources of immediate support.

Really very sorry your going through this and I am 100% sure that your mother has the measure of your sister.

Can you maybe take a day off and drive back out and speak bluntly to her?
”why has our relationship changed?”
this is very sad for you, but I’d stop chasing her. For some inexplicable reason she has decided she’d rather keep your sister happy, not caring how poor of a parent she is being to you. How old are your dc? Have they not noticed? Does dsis have dc too she is threatening to withhold?
even so, that’s still showing a huge favouritism.

I think my sister humiliated herself so much that perhaps looked to DM for some kind of validation and it’s gone too far and she’s making her choose / controlling her ? I’m considering trying a few more times when I’m off over Xmas to get to actually see her . It’s just so strange that contact has got to such a level it’s barely existent

I agree it's favouritism, but it's probably also pragmatism. If she's behaved like that she may well withhold children or support from your Mum.

Perhaps you could have a day away together and reconnect.

My ds is 9 and dd 7 ds has got upset a few times and asked ‘did granny die?’ As he was used to seeing her a few times a year. She didn’t even send birthday cards this year

Cross posted! I agree 100%. Your Mum is probably being emotionally abused by your sister, she may well need you.

Take care OP X

then if that’s so upsetting, why is the dm not bothered about not getting contact from op and her dc? Happy to chuck relationship within her dgc away to please an adult? That’s cold!!

I would but I can’t arrange anything to get hold of her she won’t engage . I’ll have to go there I think unannounced and try to speak to her as previously if I planned to go my sister was there and the last time nobody was in / nobody answered.

I suspect the new narrative is that your DH tried it on your sister, perhaps even aggressively, and now DM feels duty-bound to protect one daughter from the morally corrupt daughter who stays with a sexually aggressive man.

I know of a family who split themselves in two when the golden child dated a serial rapist. He ended up being the best "son" to the elderly mother because she didn't want to lose that particular DD but sod the rest of her children/grandchildren. Is your sister the golden child too?

I'm sorry OP, it sounds incredibly difficult however I think it would be worth one last ditch attempt to find out the truth no matter how painful it will be to hear. You must be prepared to accept it might be the final time you see her though

How frustrating. It sounds like it could be coercive control. What age is your mother?

How are your funds? Could you hire a private investigator to review your mother’s movements to see if she’s still autonomous?

(I realize that sounds a bit batshit but perhaps not if something sinister is going on.)

It's not cold! I'm not saying she's happy about it, far from it! Perhaps she's dealing with what's on her doorstep and she may well miss her daughter enormously but have to cope with what's going on around her.

I was trying to help OP because she's upset. It isn't necessarily that her mother's being cold, particularly if, as another poster suggested, the narrative has shifted to her husband being predatory.

I wouldn't like OP to be dealing with this at Christmas if she can avoid it. Reconciliations are usually more productive than estrangement, although if she won't engage, there isn't much she can do.

Work calls, good luck OP x

I think they would have tried that if she hadn’t done it at full volume in front of everyone!!! She was incredibly drunk in some ways I would have forgiven a moment of drunk stupidity but she combined it with hurtful comments about me so it became a very personal attack as well as a public pass at dh. I think she knew she couldn’t recover the situation so has chosen to control everything since then ?

Why don’t you just ask her?

She won’t talk to me ! And I can’t get to see her alone

Have you read the thread at all?

Presumably she picks the phone up when you call before she says she can’t talk? Use that as an opportunity to tell her your kids think she’s dead because contact stopped. I think I would also have been tempted to have it out with her when she accidentally sent you that message, but that moment has probably gone now.

she says ‘I’m busy ‘ or similar and just cuts me off

Stop trying OP. It's awful, and painful, but she's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship with you or your children. So walk away with your dignity and stop begging for crumbs.

I’d want to know why she’s cut the relationship with her grandchildren and I’d be directly asking why no cards/presents.

if the kids get nothing at Christmas I’d be asking why and then saying she’s choosing your sister over you and her grandchildren.

sure she might be being coerced so I’d ask that too

Then write to her. Tell her the reason you are writing is because she’s avoiding speaking to you. Keep it short and to the facts without being emotional and then you’ll have your answer if she doesn’t respond. She will either deny it or carry on ignoring you.

your “new narrative” sounds absolutely batshit!!

Does your sister live with DM? Maybe try calling when you know Sis is busy at work/college/gym/whatever? And if there are other family members, maybe you could talk to them and ask them to find out what is going on?
It does sound as if Sis has convinced your Mum that you are to blame somehow.

'A game is afoot!' I'd be very concerned at the apparent controlling nature of your sister towards your dm! Is dm old, infirm at all, have any cognitive issues, is easily led? The manipulation by your sister could be the start of trying to exclude you from any inheritance - in her mind 'that'd show you!' Perhaps she is already leaning on dm for loans etc? Whatever the motive, you are most definitely being squeezed out! Be careful

Your sister is managing your mother.
Your mother is feeling guilty about something.
I would check if your sister has POA or is executor to mums Will.

Yes she is executor has been for a few years it was DM choice but is that a concern ? I thought it was up to DM to choose someone