To ask why I’m being ignored ?

[Normalorproblem]

AIBU to outright ask for a reason as to why I suddenly being virtually ignored by family ?

I always had regular call and text contact with DM who lives at the opposite end of the country. In the last few months if I call she says ‘sorry can’t talk’ I tried to arrange to see her and she said ‘no too busy’ or ‘no I’m seeing your sister instead’
I drove there one day on the off chance on my day off but nobody was in.
she’s in good health as far as I’m aware.
sister won’t speak to me but never really has as there was an incident a few years ago she got drunk at Xmas and really tried it on with my dh in front of everyone and said some unpleasant things about me.

I always have text dm a lot but she doesn’t reply now and if she does it’s one word responses .We used to share photos of baking we had done , I’d send pictures of the dc she would send pictures of her cats. I’ve noticed on WA that if I message her she is I think immediately letting my sister know ? As she will be online and they both are (I think I’ve got a bit neurotic checking this tbh) it’s as if dm notifies if I contact and is told if she can reply or not ? This happened once before after above drunk incident dm accidentally text me ‘what do you want me to say? Of course I’m on your side but I don’t know who I can talk to or what I’m meant to say?’ After that when I still was seeing DM suddenly my sister was there each time as well acting like some kind of supervisor to contact almost ?

Do I try to somehow get to speak to DM on my own and ask her directly what’s happening?

I saw my sister all over my other sisters husband at chirstmas one year and because I refused his attempt and told another family member what I saw happen, I was slowly outed from the family over the past 10 years. Left out of every Christmas day, no birthday calls or cards for me or my son (since birth!). It used to bother me but not anymore. Your sister sounds just like mine - a jealous attention seeking narcissist. You will never win. The more you repair your relationship with your mum, the worse she will become. My sisters have convinved my entire family that I am a liar since that night, even though I told the truth. She is still married to him, pretends he doesn't cheat and he does constantly. The slaggy sister is still a slag and will never change. I would rather be branded a liar for telling the truth than playing some twisted game with them to be the top of the sister ladder. As for family members that want to believe women like that.....good ridance

It's sounds horrible OP, it really does.

I'd say try another visit but at opposite ends of the country that's not really practical.

So I'd write your Mum a letter. Keep it short. "Why is this happening, why is this what you want, the GC think you've died what should I tell them?" It may not work if your Mum is truly being manipulated by your sister but what have you got to lose? Good luck.

OP didn't seem to think so and she would know. Manipulators are very good at changing other people's perceptions of reality.

@Normalorproblem
Yes she is executor has been for a few years it was DM choice but is that a concern ? I thought it was up to DM to choose someone
Yes, it is up to DM to choose. Is DM in ill health/old though? Based on your other posts maybe you can write a letter saying you miss her and do not understand why she no longer wants to talk to you. Ask her if the situation is resolvable as you would like to try. You might never know the answer but at least you will have tried your best and that is all you can do. Good luck.

I agree with the poster who suggested writing to her OP, I might even be tempted to send it so that it has to be signed for, so that she can't deny receiving it. I would begin by asking her if she is well, and then go on to say that due to her failure to communicate with you and your family recently, her grandchildren are now asking if she is DEAD!! Put that in capital letters so that it really hits home. I'd also mention the lack of birthday cards for the children, and the text you received, and ask her what that was about, although it would seem that it was meant for your sister. I would then end by saying that if you don't receive an explanation from her within whatever period of time you think reasonable, it will be the last time she hears from you and your family, as you're not prepared to play second fiddle to your sisters manipulation.

My mum has just changed her will so that my sibling will get more. They do more for her and she wanted to thank them. Only for the last couple of years. But they always her golden child. She briefly discussed it with me. I do wonder if this is your sisters angle?

It is up to the person writing their will to choose an executor (or executors).

However, it is not entirely unknown for people to be coerced into choosing a particular executor. Which could be all the more concerning if that executor also happens to be a beneficiary of the will, and also has power of attorney.

It sounds like coercive control.

I would send a frank text 'Mum it seems that you don't want to have a relationship with me as you are always busy when I contact you. Is this your choice? Really what you want? It would be such a shame to miss out on your grandchildren growing up. DS is already upset at seeing you less. It's up to you but you won't be able to get these years back, if you would ever like to talk I am here and I will listen.'