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Original poster

Discovered a divorce date That Doesn’t Match What I Was Told

47 replies

Blashed · 08/12/2025 01:00

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years and recently I was at his apartment and found a letter from the courts confirming his divorce took place in 2022 however he had told me he was divorced when we first started dating. We began dating mid 2020
I know they weren’t together anymore as I was staying a lot at his place during that time, however can’t help but feel a little deceived as if I knew he was still married I would never have entertained it as it feels morally wrong. I know I can’t do anything about it now but I just feel so frustrated and kind of deceive. Am I over thinking the situation.

OP posts:
ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 01:03

You are not "kind of" deceived. It's black and white - he lied to you quite deliberately.

Only you can decide if you should or could tolerate that.

Littlejellyuk · 08/12/2025 01:16

Did he tell you he was divorced and all done?
Or did he say he was in the middle of a divorce (that could be long and drawn out?) OP? 🤔
It sounds like he just lied. The end. 🫩
Only you can make a decision going forward.
😬

Notthehill · 08/12/2025 01:20

You're overreacting. A lot of people say they're divorced when they are permanently separated. It doesn't seem a big deal to me. Don't let this minor detail ruin five good years together.

PS - You should not have been snooping.

TomatoSandwiches · 08/12/2025 01:26

Lots of people saying they're divorced when actually not doesn't excuse them or make it okay, people should be able to make informed choices about the people they date.

He lied about a pretty big thing, what else has he not told you or not admitted?

RabbitsEatPancakes · 08/12/2025 01:27

I think it's a big lie. Two years after you started dating he got divorced- he must have been doing tons of paperwork and meetings that he didn't mention. People normally celebrate divorced finalisation, and he hid it. Very odd, I wouldn't trust him.

BengalBangle · 08/12/2025 01:43

Why were you snooping through his stuff?

TriggeredNameChanger · 08/12/2025 01:50

Well mid 2020 was when Covid was around; it’s possible he had the decree nisi when he met you but the decree absolute was delayed because everything went to shit. My friend divorced around that time and her financial order was massively held up because of the delays and disruptions which in turn, held up the absolute.

Playing devil’s advocate, some guys do consider themselves divorced at the nisi stage (or as good as) and maybe he thought the absolute wouldn’t be too far away / would come through before things really went anywhere with you (considering the lockdowns) and as time went by, he didn’t feel he could come clean.

Now just to be clear, I’m not saying he’s right as obviously he’s not, but it might be a case of him being an idiot / not expecting your relationship to go anywhere caused of Covid rather than malicious.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 08/12/2025 02:25

Maybe he considered himself divorced in all but name...

PollyBell · 08/12/2025 04:24

Wouldnt it have been better not to snoop, lesson learnt maybe

ThisLittlePony · 08/12/2025 04:29

TriggeredNameChanger · 08/12/2025 01:50

Well mid 2020 was when Covid was around; it’s possible he had the decree nisi when he met you but the decree absolute was delayed because everything went to shit. My friend divorced around that time and her financial order was massively held up because of the delays and disruptions which in turn, held up the absolute.

Playing devil’s advocate, some guys do consider themselves divorced at the nisi stage (or as good as) and maybe he thought the absolute wouldn’t be too far away / would come through before things really went anywhere with you (considering the lockdowns) and as time went by, he didn’t feel he could come clean.

Now just to be clear, I’m not saying he’s right as obviously he’s not, but it might be a case of him being an idiot / not expecting your relationship to go anywhere caused of Covid rather than malicious.

This, Covid caused so much paperwork delay! Although if you met in Covid you may not have met or ‘dated’ face to face?

B1anche · 08/12/2025 04:30

Why would it be morally wrong to date someone whose divorce wasn't finalised? My partner had been fully separated from his ex for years when we met but they just hadn't got divorced.

It's not as if he was trying to marry you or anything. Let it go.

Notthehill · 08/12/2025 04:38

B1anche · 08/12/2025 04:30

Why would it be morally wrong to date someone whose divorce wasn't finalised? My partner had been fully separated from his ex for years when we met but they just hadn't got divorced.

It's not as if he was trying to marry you or anything. Let it go.

This^^

IAmKerplunk · 08/12/2025 05:09

I have been separated from my husband for 12 years and never see him. We are not divorced. When I have previously dated people haven’t liked that I have no intention of getting a divorce for very good reasons. Difference is I don’t lie about it.

GooseberryGreen · 08/12/2025 05:09

It's not wrong in my opinion to date somebody who is divorcing - as long as you are sure that their spouse knows of the alleged divorce and you are not breaking up a marriage. People who don't want to date people who are in the middle of a divorce are, of course, entitled to choose to date those who are entirely single. The problem is that the OP's partner lied that he was divorced when he, in fact, was still married to another woman. I would find it very difficult to forgive the lie and would wonder what else he lied about.

IAmKerplunk · 08/12/2025 05:14

Yes, it’s the lie.

Empress13 · 08/12/2025 06:08

Notthehill · 08/12/2025 01:20

You're overreacting. A lot of people say they're divorced when they are permanently separated. It doesn't seem a big deal to me. Don't let this minor detail ruin five good years together.

PS - You should not have been snooping.

Reallly? I’ve never known anyone admit to being divorced if not. If he can lie about that what else will he lie about? It’s about trust and that has gone. How can you ever believe anything he says going forward? OP it’s done now and there’s nothing you can do about it. Either accept it and move forward or end the relationship.

Userxyd · 08/12/2025 06:39

There’s different stages to divorce - even now it takes about a year. Might’ve been in the process and didn’t want to complicate things with you?

IsPostingAGoodIdea · 08/12/2025 06:46

My divorce finalised just before covid and it took forever for the paperwork to go through. I suspect the delay was a lot worse in covid. I also dated while divorcing & I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. My exH left me & he was already in a relationship. I also didn’t mark my divorce date. I was pleased it was done but my marriage was long over by the time the paperwork came through.

I think the more important questions are to ensure they have been separated long enough to establish there is minimal chance of reconciliation & that you aren’t likely to be a rebound thing. As your relationship has been 5 years, both of these seem to be true.

He shouldn’t have lied, but I think how he phrased it & how often it was said, depends how I would feel about this. As others have said, he could have easily had his decree nisi by then. There was a big gap between that & my decree absolute as it was the financial consent order which most delayed things.

firstofallimadelight · 08/12/2025 07:02

It sounds like he just didn’t go into the logistics as he didn’t want to put you off. If all paper work was in he likely felt divorced and was waiting for proof. I wouldn’t over think it.

IamnotSethRogan · 08/12/2025 07:38

Blashed · 08/12/2025 01:00

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years and recently I was at his apartment and found a letter from the courts confirming his divorce took place in 2022 however he had told me he was divorced when we first started dating. We began dating mid 2020
I know they weren’t together anymore as I was staying a lot at his place during that time, however can’t help but feel a little deceived as if I knew he was still married I would never have entertained it as it feels morally wrong. I know I can’t do anything about it now but I just feel so frustrated and kind of deceive. Am I over thinking the situation.

Lol where did you find this piece of paper ? There are a few reasons why the final document could have come through later.

Was there a good reason for why you were going through his things?

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 22:41

B1anche · 08/12/2025 04:30

Why would it be morally wrong to date someone whose divorce wasn't finalised? My partner had been fully separated from his ex for years when we met but they just hadn't got divorced.

It's not as if he was trying to marry you or anything. Let it go.

Her morals and choices are her own. Not his, yours or mine.

By deliberately lying he took that choice away. Up to her if she wants to tolerate that.

Ohmygodthepain · 08/12/2025 22:44

It took nearly 4 years for my divorce to go through. Should I have been single and celibate all that time? Met DP during that time and was 100% honest about the situation. Your DP lied, that would be a hard line for me.

Endorewitch · 08/12/2025 22:44

He lied because he didn't want to scare you away. His marriage was over as far as he was concerned. Divorce proceedings can drag on.
Some replies are holier than thou responses. Just because he lied about this doesn't mean he can't be trusted. I imagine he met you and told you he was divorced and then was scared to tell you the actual truth. But his intentions were good. He wasn't a cheating husband in the usual sense.
If you hadn't snooped you wouldn't have known.
Just forget it and get on with your life.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 22:46

Having been divorced I can say it's EXTREMELY difficult to buy the notion that he just "forgot" or didn't think it matters.

If you are serious about someone you tell them the truth. Nobody forgets to mention that they are not yet divorced. One of the first things I told my (now second husband) dating partner early on was that we had been fully separated for three years, but were still legally married. Because it matters, legally and for all kinds of personal reasons to many people.

And because I'm not a liar, and did not want to misrepresent my position.

So yep, he lied, it matters. Only you can decide if you are ok with that.

gogomomo2 · 08/12/2025 22:49

In mid 2020 the courts were completely backed up due to Covid and they were prioritising cases that were urgent, he could have started proceedings and not actually had it finalised for 2 years easily if they had slow solicitors. I was advised by my solicitor friend not to even file in 2020, I wasn’t in a hurry so didn’t until after things subsided in 2022