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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Discovered a divorce date That Doesn’t Match What I Was Told

47 replies

Blashed · 08/12/2025 01:00

so I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years and recently I was at his apartment and found a letter from the courts confirming his divorce took place in 2022 however he had told me he was divorced when we first started dating. We began dating mid 2020
I know they weren’t together anymore as I was staying a lot at his place during that time, however can’t help but feel a little deceived as if I knew he was still married I would never have entertained it as it feels morally wrong. I know I can’t do anything about it now but I just feel so frustrated and kind of deceive. Am I over thinking the situation.

OP posts:

Bobiverse · 08/12/2025 22:53

Divorces take ages, he was in the middle of it. Maybe he just didn’t want to complicate things with that explanation. It’s up to you how seriously you want to take this. They were clearly completely separated. Not sure what’s morally wrong about that. Unless you’re very religious? But then you wouldn’t have been sleeping over at his.

dottiehens · 08/12/2025 23:24

I would talk to him but he was pretty much done so not morally wrong. I think this will create trusting problems going forward. Shame.

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 23:46

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 22:46

Having been divorced I can say it's EXTREMELY difficult to buy the notion that he just "forgot" or didn't think it matters.

If you are serious about someone you tell them the truth. Nobody forgets to mention that they are not yet divorced. One of the first things I told my (now second husband) dating partner early on was that we had been fully separated for three years, but were still legally married. Because it matters, legally and for all kinds of personal reasons to many people.

And because I'm not a liar, and did not want to misrepresent my position.

So yep, he lied, it matters. Only you can decide if you are ok with that.

Edited

And yes your feelings and morals are entirely your own. Not his place to deceive the choice away from you. Doesn't matter how anybody else feels about it.

He should not have lied to you. Only you can decide if you can tolerate that.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 09/12/2025 00:53

He might not even consider it lying if he was just waiting for the decree absolute to come through and in his eyes he was divorced

Original poster

Blashed · 09/12/2025 01:09

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 09/12/2025 00:53

He might not even consider it lying if he was just waiting for the decree absolute to come through and in his eyes he was divorced

Hi So the decree was actually made end of 2021 according to the letter.

I understand what your saying but my point is I did ask point blank are you divorce and he had told me he was and shared he was divorced years ago

OP posts:

Original poster

Blashed · 09/12/2025 01:12

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 23:46

And yes your feelings and morals are entirely your own. Not his place to deceive the choice away from you. Doesn't matter how anybody else feels about it.

He should not have lied to you. Only you can decide if you can tolerate that.

Show quote history

Thank you for reaffirming my feelings as if I did have a choice back then it’s not something I would have explored to be honest because of my own moral compass. It’s just the dishonesty of saying I’ve been divorced for years and then finding out it actually occurred during our relationship and I had zero clue. You would think speaking to someone every day for hours this is something that would be mentioned.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blashed · 09/12/2025 01:14

Notthehill · 08/12/2025 01:20

You're overreacting. A lot of people say they're divorced when they are permanently separated. It doesn't seem a big deal to me. Don't let this minor detail ruin five good years together.

PS - You should not have been snooping.

I wasn’t snooping it was something that I came across unintentionally; as far as I’m concerned I was meant to see it. Sorry I have eyes and curiosity as it was right in front of me . I’m sure anyone would have read it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blashed · 09/12/2025 01:16

ohnotthisagain2020 · 08/12/2025 23:46

And yes your feelings and morals are entirely your own. Not his place to deceive the choice away from you. Doesn't matter how anybody else feels about it.

He should not have lied to you. Only you can decide if you can tolerate that.

Show quote history

I’m really surprised how many people are normalising not being upfront and honest. I agree if I had known at least I could have made a decision on my own accord it’s just the fact he informed me he was divorced several years ago when we first got together which was obviously far from the truth. I have a lot to think about

OP posts:

Original poster

Blashed · 09/12/2025 01:19

Littlejellyuk · 08/12/2025 01:16

Did he tell you he was divorced and all done?
Or did he say he was in the middle of a divorce (that could be long and drawn out?) OP? 🤔
It sounds like he just lied. The end. 🫩
Only you can make a decision going forward.
😬

Yep so when we first got together he had told me they had been divorced for several years. So as you can imagine I was super taken back because it was the lie that really got to me. If he had been honest maybe I would have felt differently but I just hate the fact he had led with a lie and the divorce was applied for a year into our relationship. :/

OP posts:

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 01:57

If you are looking for an excuse to break up with him then do so, otherwise to me I would either want to be with the person or not sure if he was shacked up with ex sife pretending she doesnt understand him and he is sleeping with her but doesnt really mean it and they are sleeping in the same bed sure issue but they are not living together any more and havent been for a while so to me their marital status would be none of my business

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 02:07

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 01:57

OP is not ok with being lied to.

That's what's relevant.

PollyBell · 09/12/2025 02:14

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 02:07

OP is not ok with being lied to.

That's what's relevant.

Show quote history

Bit odd then to be with someone who they think has lied to them then, to me it comes across as needing an excuse to break up with them so f they want to do that then do that the OP does not need our permission

ohnotthisagain2020 · 09/12/2025 02:40

Nah. She just found out about it and is asking for people's opinions on whether she is over thinking being lied to. Not odd in the slightest.

But you already know that :)

AlwaysTheRenegade · 09/12/2025 03:45

Must be a shock to say the least @Blashed .has he been going through divorce proceedings this whole time then?

PearTreeBoat · 09/12/2025 05:17

I met a guy once who told me he had been divorced for years, which to be fair was true. However, he forgot to mention his second wife who he was very much still married to!!

I found out when she turned up to serve him divorce papers (she was supposed to be visiting her sick mother several hours away hence he had invited me to stay at his for a while) as she had found out about several affairs he was having. Best bit was she had no idea about me so we had to up his affair tally by one.

we actually (me and the now ex wife) ended up hitting it off and still speak to this day!!

Mumofoneandone · 09/12/2025 05:36

You're absolutely right to be concerned about the lie - you need to make a decision about whether to talk to him or not about it and make a decision from there. If he's lied about this what else might he be lying about...... it's an indication of a sort of moral compass of the person you are with and it does change how you see them.
FWIW my DH was completely upfront about his divorce status when we got together......ie he was going through one and how it was progressing!

CowTown · 09/12/2025 06:49

I get what you’re saying, @Blashed . He looked you straight in the eyes and told you a Big Lie. We can all twist ourselves into pretzels, trying to justify why. That’s not the point. The point is: how can you ever believe anything that comes out of this man’s mouth when you know he’s proven to look you dead in the face and tell a blatant lie?

Theunamedcat · 09/12/2025 06:54

I got my divorce through during covid it went through very fast because we didn't have to do anything in person

AcademyFootball · 09/12/2025 07:13

Based on the first message I would have said you’re getting you knickers in a twist a bit. Based on the exaggerated lie “divorced years ago” I would say not.
Definitely shows a loose relationship with the truth.

Sassylovesbooks · 09/12/2025 07:43

A friend of mine met a man who she'd known briefly many years before. She'd just divorced and he told her he was also divorced - they started seeing each other. Small things she told me didn't add up - she never went to his place, he always came to hers. His excuse was that he was in a house share with three other people. Cut along story short - the house share he was in....his wife and two sons!! He wasn't divorced at all, not even separated! So yes, people do lie that they're divorced/separated!! Nothing wrong in dating someone who's divorced or separated, as long as you are sure they're truly are!! OP, your boyfriend told you he divorced years before he met you. It may be in his mind, he'd separated years before and considered that good enough. However, being separated isn't being divorced, two very different things. He'd have had paperwork to fill in, solicitors appointments (possibly) all of which he never mentioned. The reason he didn't mention it, was because he knew he'd lied, and could hardly tell you the truth! He'd led you to believe he was divorced, therefore completely free of his previous marriage/relationship, when it wasn't true. I suspect he knew if he told you the truth, you wouldn't have dated him, so he took a gamble and lied. I think you do need to say something, because if he's capable of lying about this, what else is he capable of lying about??!

tamade · 09/12/2025 07:45

Maybe his definition of divorced is broken up with wife and signed off on all paperwork, maybe he even had a decree nisi at the time.
If that is the case I wouldn't consider it a lie; if someone doesn't know what they are on about they aren't liars.
Innocent until proven guilty I say

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 09/12/2025 18:11

Blashed · 09/12/2025 01:09

Hi So the decree was actually made end of 2021 according to the letter.

I understand what your saying but my point is I did ask point blank are you divorce and he had told me he was and shared he was divorced years ago

Show quote history

But if he considered the divorce to be the case, even if the legal bit wasn't done, he might not see it as lying

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