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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mils triaged Christmas visits : i don't want to go.

30 replies

TwotierChristmas · 07/12/2025 21:22

We dropped back contact in recent years and i feel they are disrespectful to DH when we see them.
They have always spoken down to DH and I
They seem to be very narrow minded and are social climbers, they don't rate us because we don't have baking jobs or work in the city where as sil does.

We won't spend Xmas day with them but they have invited us over. However it's when they have no other visitors like family friends which on the surface sounds fine, normal . I think they do this so we don't embarrass them .

I think this because one year we got the wrong day and turned up when they had some old family friends there ,DH knew them actually and seemed pleased to see them there was a large buffet and shed obviously made a big effort. Sil and her partner was there .
DH would have been happy to stay and me also but mil was alarmed and fil almost strong armed us out.
The next day we went back on the day we should have done and it was just us and she did a basic plain meal ,no fripperies and almost ignored us whilst chatting to DC.
I am happy to be ignored but DH is treated like a nanny almost or an irritating appendage to the GC. The DC didn't like any of the food and didn't eat much where as they would have had stuff from the days before buffet.

This year invited again and Dh said whose coming and said he would like to see Rita and Mick and they said they can't accommodate us like last year we can only go on one particular day .I think dh is hurt but he still seems to want to go. I think it's insulting ? I don't want to go .
Or should we just suck it up.

OP posts:
Wishihadanalgorithm · 07/12/2025 21:41

If DH really wants to go, I’d go with him for support.

I’d make sure there’s something nice planned for the two of you after. Whilst there, be pleasant, make small talk and don’t give a monkeys about the day.

Bellyblueboy · 07/12/2025 21:57

If your in-laws truly are embarrassed by your earnings and social standing, then pretty soon your children will notice this.

I grew up with parents who felt ‘less than’ the rest of the family and I remember feeling bad for my parents that I wasn’t as good as my cousins. Watching my dad almost apologize for me and my sister. Feeling insecure, and I was embarrassed for him - he seemed so weak compared to his brothers and sisters - so keen to please.

have a gently talk with your husband - he needs to decide how to handle this - how he wants his children to see him.

Talltreesbythelake · 07/12/2025 22:01

Get in contact with Rita and invite them over for nibbles nearer Xmas. It will be priceless to drop that into the conversation with your MIL.

CandyCaneKisses · 07/12/2025 22:06

I’d have never stepped foot in their house again after being turned away on the ‘wrong’ day. It’s his parents, there shouldn’t be such thing as the wrong day.

LunaTheCat · 07/12/2025 22:10

Talltreesbythelake · 07/12/2025 22:01

Get in contact with Rita and invite them over for nibbles nearer Xmas. It will be priceless to drop that into the conversation with your MIL.

This !

BeaRightThere · 07/12/2025 22:12

If your husband wants to go, go. They're his parents. Go along, nod and smile, then go home and have a large glass of wine and forget about it.

Renamed · 07/12/2025 22:41

LunaTheCat · 07/12/2025 22:10

This !

Show quote history

Yes have Rita over for smoked salmon blini. When you visit MIL take an enormous bag of Doritos/ bowl of guacamole and get loads of crumbs on the sofa

SunMoonandChocolate · 07/12/2025 22:55

Have you actually asked your DH how he really feels about your perception of the way his parents treat you both OP? If so, what is his take on it, ie, does he agree that they look down on you, but wants to maintain a relationship anyway, or does he not think their behaviour is a problem?

If the latter, then in your shoes I would be inclined to say that as they're his parents you understand his wish/need to see them, however, you're not prepared to be spoken down to, or whatever, and won't be joining him.

If he agrees with you about the way they behave, then try and discuss it in more depth, and work out whether you really want your children to be involved with a part of the family that treat you with such disrespect. If not, then don't go at Christmas, or tell your DH that if he still feels he needs to go, then he should, but you don't feel it's right for the children to be involved, so you will stay at home with them.

If your DH agrees that his parents behaviour is disrespectful, then would he be prepared to talk to them about it, or has he done so in the past, and if so, what was the result?

Nomorecoconutboosts · 08/12/2025 08:13

Not at Christmas but I did invite ‘Rita’ over, after my controlling mil tried to manipulate me into bringing our baby to visit various people. ‘Rita’ took the opportunity to spend time with me putting together a special gift (photograph related) for mil’s anniversary.
Mil of course found out that I had seen Rita (only once) ‘behind her back’ and had tried to ‘steal’ her friend.
I was in the delicious position of being able to express confusion at why it was such an issue, Rita and I had enjoyed time together, she had cuddled the baby and she had made this special gift too!

ChristmasinBrighton · 08/12/2025 08:20

Let him go and you stay home?

doitwithlove · 08/12/2025 09:52

I agree with pp let him go with the children.

MincePudding · 08/12/2025 09:55

Follow his lead. It's already shot for him, don't make it worse by making him confront it. He might be happier pretending it isn't real so indulge him.

IMO it would be so much sadder and worse for him to actually feel how shit that is if he's happier putting on a brave face.

PermanentTemporary · 08/12/2025 09:57

I agree with following his lead and would aim to radiate adoration and respect for him at every turn.

IsItSnowing · 08/12/2025 10:29

They sound awful. Your DH may well want to go. It's normal for children who are treated like this to feel it's normal and feel it's their fault somehow. He probably thinks they will change if he can just maintain a relationship.
It's sad and I feel for him. They won't change though and he'll continue to be disappointed.
I would just try and support him and help him consider how he wants it to work going forward. It's not easy dealing with toxic parents.

Twilightstarbright · 08/12/2025 10:46

I’d be led by DH on this and get brushed up on grey rock techniques.

CocoQueen2024 · 08/12/2025 11:31

Im sorry but I would never eat at the table where such hostility and disrespect are served.

This is truly awful and insulting to you and your husband and you deserve better.

Izzywizzy85 · 08/12/2025 11:53

They are awful. I would go at all. I’d tell them why too.

thepariscrimefiles · 08/12/2025 11:54

Honestly, if your MIL treats you and her own son as 'untermensch' and second class citizens who are unworthy to mix with their friends, I would return the favour and treat them as unworthy to have access to your children. They don't get to spend time with their grandchildren if they can't treat the children's parents with kindness and respect.

sprigatito · 08/12/2025 11:59

I would go with him if he really wanted to, rather than let him go alone - but I would be trying to open up a dialogue with him about how he is treated and what his childhood was like. He’s probably got boiled frog syndrome and doesn’t realise quite how horrendous it is, the poor sod. He needs some counselling. It won’t change overnight, but I’d be trying to build his awareness and self esteem so that the two of you can work together to protect your own children from this damaging dynamic.

rainbowstardrops · 08/12/2025 12:01

If I was treated like that, I certainly wouldn’t be going there at all. It’s up to your husband if he wants to but you can make your own decisions.

soocool · 08/12/2025 12:34

Mrs. Bouquet vibes there about her ushering you out the door!

I agree with others, go and support your DH if he wants to go. It's not for a week, it'll be over soon enough. Bite your tongue and smile and be sweet. That can drive such people mad, on the assumption that they are trying to needle you.

Muffinmam · 08/12/2025 12:48

It is insulting.

This year I’ve been excluded from a family member’s funeral and not invited to a wedding.

There were reasons for both the exclusions. The funeral was because they didn’t want the press to know and the wedding was because of the most ridiculous reason it’s actually funny. Given I have been completely shut out it now I feel I can say all of the shitty things that family has done (that pre-dated the ostracism).

I’m not the only person being excluded. So it isn’t just me.

Your husband needs to get some therapy. He’s deliberately being ostracised. Does he even know why?

There is no way in hell I would be visiting people who don’t want me there and who go to zero effort to host. If your husband wants to feel like crap he can do it by himself.

Clearly his own family don’t want him or you there. Being escorted out would have been humiliating.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 08/12/2025 13:23

They made you leave?!?!?! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😱

Nahhhh life is too short.
The main problem here is your children

Step 1 Contact Mick and Rita and in invite them over for party food.

Step 2 Tell PIL its Such. A. Shame. they can only do that ONE day as you have plans you cant move so you'll "see them in the new year"

....Then make zero effort to see them in the new year.

Going forward i wouldn't initiate contact...

If you must meet don't go to their home meet out and if it's restaurant split the bill or pay for them.

ComfortFoodCafe · 08/12/2025 13:48

I would just say “sorry that day doesnt work for us, never mind we will see you another time “ & then make zero effort to make any plans with them ever again.
maybe your dh can contact the family friends himself and say he would love to catch up with them?

Elsvieta · 08/12/2025 14:41

I'm sure baking is a typo for banking, but I so want to be wrong...

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