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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely devastated ex moved on so quick

46 replies

Youngblud · 07/12/2025 19:40

my 25 year relationship ended about 6 months ago. It got to a point where he was just taking the piss and doing what he liked whilst I looked after the children. 3 weeks after he moved out I found out he had been seeing a friend of his and they were just seeing how it goes, it has honestly made me feel so worthless even though I knew the relationship had to end as I was just a single mum even though I had a partner. She has met the kids and spent loads of time with them doing fun activities and I barely make it through the month so I feel bad I can’t do these things with them.

OP posts:
TidyCyan · 07/12/2025 19:44

Some men can't live on their own because they wouldn't dream of running a house, cleaning/shopping/cooking/sorting insurance and utilities. They also won't look after their kids alone in their contact time, because they feel they need someone present with a vagina. Usually their mum or a girlfriend.
He's probably had her on a string for a while if she is a "friend". I'd only be feeling sorry for her!

Merseymum1980 · 07/12/2025 19:45

Sorry to hear this, try get angry and try hynotism

Original poster
Youngblud · 07/12/2025 19:46

I feel bad that they seem to do all the fun stuff with the kids. I can’t afford it now on one income.

OP posts:
PollyPlumPeach · 07/12/2025 19:47

Did you ask him to leave?

Zanatdy · 07/12/2025 19:53

Same for many men. Even my brother who was genuinely devastated at the breakdown of his 20yr relationship / marriage was in another relationship within 4 months (now his wife).

Original poster
Youngblud · 07/12/2025 20:02

Zanatdy · 07/12/2025 19:53

Same for many men. Even my brother who was genuinely devastated at the breakdown of his 20yr relationship / marriage was in another relationship within 4 months (now his wife).

How do they do it? It just makes me think did he ever love us? I am stilL processing the whole thing, I can’t imagine wanting a man for a long time!

OP posts:
SquirrelosaurusSoShiny · 07/12/2025 20:10

Increasingly I think that a lot of men simply lack the emotional depth of women. Usual NAMALT / 'Not my Nigel' disclaimer. But for some men their 'love' is a shallow and convenient thing, they can stay a lot longer in an unhappy relationship just for a quiet life but when they go they go. Extreme compartmentalising with a shiny new people pleasing vagina waiting in the wings. Just an observation. That said, in my circle most relationships have endured through good times and bad.

Jk987 · 07/12/2025 20:10

He should not be introducing a girlfriend to the children until much much later in the relationship 😕

Original poster
Youngblud · 07/12/2025 20:11

Jk987 · 07/12/2025 20:10

He should not be introducing a girlfriend to the children until much much later in the relationship 😕

They already knew her as they were friends but obviously not as dads partner

OP posts:
unsync · 07/12/2025 20:33

It's very common. Most men just want someone to keep house, look after them and have sex with.

Jellybunny56 · 07/12/2025 20:36

You’re not unreasonable to be upset by it no. 25 years is a LONG time, but some people do just move on quickly. My mum always told us that when a relationship ends, even a bad one, it’s often not the actual person you miss it’s the routines/habits- having someone to eat dinner with, having someone there to come home and watch TV with, having someone to go shopping at the weekend with, someone to text during the day, and so a lot of people when they end up single rather than sit in that discomfort and find a new routine as a single person just find someone else to slot in to fill those voids.

Terrytheweasel · 07/12/2025 20:38

It must be very difficult and it’s really hard not to feel bitter, but he will get bored of pretending he’s a great dad soon and his true colours will start to show. The positives are that he is having his children at least so you have some time to yourself to relax and recharge and eventually meet someone decent, someone who treats you well. This feeling will pass but it’s ok and normal to feel the way you are right now.

Original poster
Youngblud · 07/12/2025 20:38

I suppose I just feel like he has come out on top and I don’t find it fair. New relationship, nice holidays, days out.

OP posts:
Nessiesfoodprovider · 07/12/2025 20:40

He already had the new woman lined up and waiting. That's why he has moved on so fast. That, and he needs a woman to run his life and home for him.
It's going to be tough but you'll get sorted with your finances, and being on your own isn't that bad. You may find you prefer it to having a man who develops learned helplessness after a while.

JohnofWessex · 07/12/2025 20:53

Funnily enough it was my ex wife who could not get repartnered fast enough.

Got pregnant by him, wrecked the divorce settlement and abused him in public.............

By chance I bumped into an ex not long after we split and had a FWB relationship for a few years before meeting my wife who I have been with for 17 years

Original poster
Youngblud · 07/12/2025 20:58

It just wasn’t meant to be or else it would have been I suppose. I am just still grieving the whole thing.

OP posts:
cloudtreecarpet · 07/12/2025 21:00

I remember well that feeling of it all being unfair & I definitely felt the same way when I was in your position.
And I think it's very common for women to feel that way because it's often men who have more free time after a split to find someone new & men in general (obvs not all men) seem able to compartmentalise and move on quickly.

I know it's hugely generalising, but I think men can trample down their emotions more easily whereas women sit with them & need longer to work through them.
Many men are happy as long as they get regular sex and won't be worrying about "where is this going?" or "what if the kids don't like her?" or "what if it ends and I get hurt again?" so moving on feels easier for them.

But his new relationship is probably just a superficial one & who wants one of those? Better to spend time working on yourself and becoming a self reliant, emotionally secure person.

Concentrate on your daughter who will get your undivided attention & love when she's with you & not have to share you with a random person. You don't have to lavish her with money & special trips out, love & attention are all she needs and those cost nothing xxx

Zahara179 · 07/12/2025 21:01

YANBU OP, that is hurtful. I’d be suspecting they’d already been having an affair before you split up, or he at least had to have put in quite a bit of groundwork there whilst you were still married. Console yourself that once the honeymoon period is over in a few months she’ll have the next 25 years of putting up with his shit and you have your wonderful freedom.

Original poster
Youngblud · 07/12/2025 21:03

cloudtreecarpet · 07/12/2025 21:00

I remember well that feeling of it all being unfair & I definitely felt the same way when I was in your position.
And I think it's very common for women to feel that way because it's often men who have more free time after a split to find someone new & men in general (obvs not all men) seem able to compartmentalise and move on quickly.

I know it's hugely generalising, but I think men can trample down their emotions more easily whereas women sit with them & need longer to work through them.
Many men are happy as long as they get regular sex and won't be worrying about "where is this going?" or "what if the kids don't like her?" or "what if it ends and I get hurt again?" so moving on feels easier for them.

But his new relationship is probably just a superficial one & who wants one of those? Better to spend time working on yourself and becoming a self reliant, emotionally secure person.

Concentrate on your daughter who will get your undivided attention & love when she's with you & not have to share you with a random person. You don't have to lavish her with money & special trips out, love & attention are all she needs and those cost nothing xxx

I love this post thank you so much, It keeps me
up at night knowing I can’t provide what he does and what I used to do when we had a 2 income household.

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 07/12/2025 21:06

Men can't be alone. Whatever someone tells me about their uncle who was a hermit for 50 years or whatever, generally, they aren't good at being alone.

PashaMinaMio · 07/12/2025 21:15

A lot of us know what you’re going through. There’s a lot of scenarios like yours on MN.

Get yourself out there girl, organise cheap or free activities, anything physical and out of doors will help. Come the summer you’ll be into new routines and probably feeling a lot better.

This is all new and raw at present but I can tell you, it will get better, you will get over it, it might take a fair while, maybe months, but I guarantee you will come out the other side.

Meanwhile, keep busy, concentrate on you and the kids and block him on absolutely everything except a child care dedicated e-Mail address.

You can do it! We know you can. “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

penguinsinthecupboard · 07/12/2025 21:17

Nessiesfoodprovider · 07/12/2025 20:40

He already had the new woman lined up and waiting. That's why he has moved on so fast. That, and he needs a woman to run his life and home for him.
It's going to be tough but you'll get sorted with your finances, and being on your own isn't that bad. You may find you prefer it to having a man who develops learned helplessness after a while.

He might not have already had her lined up.
My brother was happily married (he thought) for over 20 years and his wife suddenly ended it shattering his world.
3 weeks later he met someone at the pub I was there and yes they just met.
They are now married and he’s so happy, they are very compatible and a far better match than his ex wife and he now admits he didn’t know how unhappy he was until he found real love and is glad she initiated the split or he’d have just drudged along for the rest of his life because that’s all he knew.
Sometimes people marry the wrong person and spend years trying to make it work so when they meet the right person even after a long relationship it just feels right.

Sartre · 07/12/2025 21:18

As others have said, most men don’t seem capable of being alone. They just can’t cope. This is why widowed men move on so quickly, way quicker than widowed women on average. They’re just useless alone.

jimbort · 07/12/2025 21:22

It is unfair and hurtful and makes you feel like you were nothing. As someone 10 years on from this though I’d still rather be me than him. My kids respect and love me, I am the one they come to when they need someone they can rely on. Their relationship with their father is quite superficial and they have been let down and hurt and had to live with women and their kids who weren’t particularly nice to them. They have stability with me though and that’s priceless. I’ve recently been in a position to take them on holiday once a year and they are so appreciative and just generally turning out to be decent humans. Yes there have been hard times but in the end I’d rather be the consistent reliable parent than that superficial fickle dickhead. Wishing you strength as you navigate this. And make sure you get the maintenance you are entitled to.

Bimblebombles · 07/12/2025 21:25

Youngblud · 07/12/2025 19:46

I feel bad that they seem to do all the fun stuff with the kids. I can’t afford it now on one income.

The days my DD likes best are the very simple ones. The days where we bake some cakes at home and then make up a game about shops or something, and go on a walk in the dark and rain after tea with torches and have a chat. The days that are important are the ones in which she gets to feel bored and then she ends up creating her own fun and invents a game that keeps her delighted for days.

In contrast, the days where she gets most overwhelmed, wired and emotional are the ones where we do some big day out somewhere, usually involving a lot of time in the car, a lot of big feelings, and a lot of burn out afterwards. Those are the days where we don't have time to talk about stuff thats important to her because we're too busy doing the structured activity, or we are concerned about "getting our moneys worth" so we end up trying to keep her attention even when she's had enough and she just wants to go home and play with her toys and have some peace and quiet.

You might see the posed photographs and the smiles and tags at these fancy costly places, but that's not the whole story.

Your child will gain more from the quality time spent with you and the emotional safety you give her. Children don't need tons of money spent on them - they need a calm, predictable environment in which to play and build a strong bond with the person looking after them. You're doing just fine as you are. They will remember the feeling you give them, not the money you spent on them.