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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have enjoyed this male attention?

52 replies

CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 16:36

Something is on my mind and I don’t know if it makes me a bad wife.

I was at a New Year’s Eve party last year, and saw a guy there that I hadn’t seen in years. He looked really attractive. I am happily married, but I enjoyed talking to him as part of the group we were in. When we were all sitting together, singing festive songs, we all had our arms around each other. He happened to be next to me, so his arm was round me. His girlfriend was also there so there was nothing other than friendliness on his part at all. And nothing happened at all. So this is in many ways a non event. I just wondered if it was wrong of me to find him attractive. I’m going through a hard time with anxiety and am sort of fixating on this and feeling like I’ve let my husband down.

Please be gentle.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 07/12/2025 16:37

You did nothing wrong. Try not to give it any more thought.

Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 16:39

I enjoyed his arm being round me. I know that’s wrong.

OP posts:
OneLilacHare · 07/12/2025 16:42

You are way overthinking this. You enjoyed having a laugh with a friend in a group. There is nothing immoral or problematic in any way.

Yes you found them attractive. Yes you enjoyed the company of someone you find attractive but no actions or even thoughts were anything you need to worry about or apologise for. An awareness that a man is attractive is human.

Angelic999 · 07/12/2025 16:46

Why are you thinking about something (very minor) that happened almost a year ago now?!

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 16:48

Have you sought any help for your anxiety and what looks obsessive thoughts, I would.

or do you just want to tell people you met a bloke you fancy and relive it?

CombatBarbie · 07/12/2025 16:49

A year ago?

Its human to feel attracted to other people, even if we are already in relarionships. Doesn't mean you want or have to act on them. Many of us call them crushes.

Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 16:51

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 16:48

Have you sought any help for your anxiety and what looks obsessive thoughts, I would.

or do you just want to tell people you met a bloke you fancy and relive it?

I have sought help, yes. And no, I don’t want to relive it. It makes me feel sick. Quite unkind of you to ask me that, when I’m clearly struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 16:53

This might come out wrong, I hope that it doesn’t. I am reasonably attractive, but wish that I wasn’t. I wish I could not be seen, because I have been through some pretty awful stuff in the past that possibly wouldn’t have happened to me if I was different. I try to blend into the background, as much as I can. However, this person was nice, respectful and friendly to me. I feel guilt for experiencing some pleasure from our interaction, like I have betrayed my husband.

OP posts:
ItIsNotTheDog · 07/12/2025 16:57

Don't be so hard on yourself!
Enjoy life! It's natural to enjoy human touch.

Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 17:09

Thank you @ItIsNotTheDog. trying to enjoy life!

OP posts:
Dollymylove · 07/12/2025 17:18

People can be in happy relationships and still appreciate a good looking man/woman, and many do. As long as your not leaping into bed with, don't give it another thought 😉

BeNoisyFish · 07/12/2025 17:22

Are you from a religious or cultural background where this would be a problem?
Maybe try to do some romantic things with your husband, I think enjoying other male validation happens when you aren't affirmed enough in your relationship. We are social and sexual animals afterall.

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:25

CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 16:51

I have sought help, yes. And no, I don’t want to relive it. It makes me feel sick. Quite unkind of you to ask me that, when I’m clearly struggling.

Show quote history

Op, I’m sorry you took it like that, but I don’t know you and there are plenty people want to relive it, and say how attracrufe they are, that he must have fancied them back etc,

what you’re posting is quite unusual if it really is just a mental health issue and not you fancied him and are fantasising he felt the same back

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:28

Also if you do just want to relive it and are having a little day dream he fancies you back, that’s ok too.

Firefumes · 07/12/2025 17:31

Honestly this is a weird thread, cause the event itself occurred almost a year ago. You’re making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, by ruminating for so long afterwards. This moment meant nothing - you haven’t remained in touch.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 07/12/2025 17:32

The eyes wander. Men's eyes do the same and they get far more schtick (from women!) for it than women do. As long as it's admiration and not infatuation, you'll be alright. You haven't betrayed your husband, but the fact you're concerned about that means you're not far from it. Just be careful and enjoy the socialising.

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:33

Firefumes · 07/12/2025 17:31

Honestly this is a weird thread, cause the event itself occurred almost a year ago. You’re making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be, by ruminating for so long afterwards. This moment meant nothing - you haven’t remained in touch.

Edited

Oh god so it was, that is really weird.

Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 17:36

Yes, I know it’s weird. It popped into my head a few weeks ago and I’ve been ruminating since.

OP posts:
Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:42

Are you feeling unappreciated in your marriage so you’re just focusing on when you were having fun and speaking to an attractive man and he put his arm round you? I’m struggling why you’re focusing on something so insignificant, why it’s so signficant to you a year later, do you feel loved and fulfilled in your marriage ? Is this the last time you had fun and fancied someone?

BeNoisyFish · 07/12/2025 17:42

Oh I glossed over that as I was thinking "bit early for NYE but nevermind"

Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 17:43

Frenchfrychic · 07/12/2025 17:42

Are you feeling unappreciated in your marriage so you’re just focusing on when you were having fun and speaking to an attractive man and he put his arm round you? I’m struggling why you’re focusing on something so insignificant, why it’s so signficant to you a year later, do you feel loved and fulfilled in your marriage ? Is this the last time you had fun and fancied someone?

I feel unworthy and undeserving of my husband.

OP posts:
Myoldbear · 07/12/2025 17:47

You're just being a person.
Forgive yourself.

Enjoy the memory without guilt for a short moment because you've done nothing wrong and you deserve to be able to do that guilt free.

However, because it's been a year, it would be a good idea to distract yourself with other things after a short time remembering. The key is not to brood.

Everything is truly fine.

RedCamera · 07/12/2025 17:53

You didn't do anything wrong.

Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 18:42

Thank you. Struggling to be kind to myself right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandidCandii · 07/12/2025 21:21

Sorry to bump this, but hoping for a few more words of wisdom to pull me back up from this.

OP posts: