To have enjoyed this male attention?

[CandidCandii]

Something is on my mind and I don’t know if it makes me a bad wife.

I was at a New Year’s Eve party last year, and saw a guy there that I hadn’t seen in years. He looked really attractive. I am happily married, but I enjoyed talking to him as part of the group we were in. When we were all sitting together, singing festive songs, we all had our arms around each other. He happened to be next to me, so his arm was round me. His girlfriend was also there so there was nothing other than friendliness on his part at all. And nothing happened at all. So this is in many ways a non event. I just wondered if it was wrong of me to find him attractive. I’m going through a hard time with anxiety and am sort of fixating on this and feeling like I’ve let my husband down.

Please be gentle.

I think this is one of those posts where the responses would be very different if it was a married man enjoying the interaction with a woman he was attracted to.

If you're picking up the food, get whatever you want from the other place and tell everyone you won a voucher for a free meal in a Christmas raffle and decided to use it.

Just what I was going to say

Well certainly I would say the same in that circumstance as I have in this one.

You were fine. It’s normal to feel attracted to other people. You did nothing wrong in behaviour either, you were all joining in the NYE’s festivities as you should.

Try not to let the anxious thoughts win. They can cause a spiral. Try CBT therapy if you feel this is becoming harder to manage.

Meh, I would think someone very naive if they thought their partner never fancied anyone else, and found themselves enjoying their company. I mean it’s lovely to think they would never have eyes for anyone else, and never find themselves enjoying the company of comeone they find attractive, but it’d very naive and unrealistic, no one dies from the waist down when they marry.

i mean id not want to know, but id be side eyeing my husband if he had genuinely never found another woman attractive.

Completely agree. OP I really wouldn't worry about this. We're all red-blooded humans.

Being in a committed relationship doesn't prevent you from noticing and being attracted to other people, acting on it is quite a different matter. Did you do something you think your husband would have been hurt by? If not then perhaps you need to ask why you are entertaining thoughts that can only undermine you and your husbands happiness? I don't know how long you have been together but if it is a positive relationship perhaps given you mention difficult earlier life experiences, you are unsettled by finding yourself in a better place? If things are not going well perhaps you are trying to make sense of that - but are you always the one to blame when things don't go well in life?

If you have sought some help before and you found it useful why not revisit but with your updates. One thing that stands out to me is no one should feel they should be less visible or regret being attractive, although I can understand completely how harmful experiences could lead to that way of thinking. Hopefully a part of you is thinking that isn't ok either and that you deserve to appreciate yourself and your life more, rather than find ways to knock yourself down.

I’m thinking of this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5456350-if-she-makes-even-one-wrong-move-you-know-where-to-find-me-aibu?latest=1

Obviously, not quite the same but the responses are to chuck him and his belongings out.

You're right OP.

It's a non event.

I'm pretty sure you haven't got to adulthood without knowing that humans still find other humans attractive, even after the ink has dried on the wedding certificate.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you can enjoy a physical touch without it being 'wrong'. It's just nice sometimes to feel someone's arm around you male, female old or young. Even if you found him attractive it's not a hanging offence and you didn't do anything about it. You can't just stop having feelings because you are married it's just that you don't act on them, it is a physiological reaction that you can't control.

OP, you've had lots of assurance that you've done nothing wrong. I'd hop off this thread and do something a bit more constructive for your mental health like exercise, yoga, reading or watching a School of Life video on YouTube.

You're having obsessive thoughts about something vanishingly insignificant and won't get any satisfaction from telling strangers about it. It's not about the encounter with the guy at all.

But why? It’s not the same at all.

Not the same, but I don’t think his behaviour merits such extreme reaction in comparison when it could be argued that he hasn’t actually done anything wrong either.

I can see why you made the comparison, and I do want to be responded to in the same way a man would be, but I think that’s very different. I didn’t act on anything. I didn’t say anything to the man. I am not saying that makes what I did okay, because I’m clearly worried that it’s not, but I think this situation doesn’t really compare.

Sorry OP, I probably haven’t been clear. I don’t think you have done anything wrong either. I just think the responses to the other thread where it was a man involved are completely over the top and hysterical.

You need to give yourself a break and forget about it especially as it happened so long ago,

It’s enjoyable for many people to have hugs, shoulder squeezes etc. It was particularly nice from him because he was nice too! Think of it this way - you didn’t do anything in front of his gf that you know she wouldn’t like, so you wouldn’t have dong anything in front of your husband he wouldn’t have liked. Enjoying an arm around you from a handsome man is a very normal and instinctive feeling. It’s only ever wrong to your partner if you then try to take things further and of course you didn’t. Be kind to yourself. The strongest marriages get tested far more than this: there are situations where people leave jobs to avoid the temptation of a colleague out of love for their partner. Yours is lucky to have someone with such a strong conscience about not hurting him.

Thank you @CalmTheFuckDownMargaret

Ha ha ha haaaaaaaa

Sorry! Wrong thread.

That made me laugh.

Op, honestly it’s completely normal and no need to stress about it.

we have a new very big boss at work, honestly he’s one of the hottest men I’ve ever seen, tall, dark haired, blue eyes and rock hard abs. He also appears to be genuinely very nice. As well as incredibly masculine. I enjoy my interactions with him. I don’t feel remotely guilty or consider anything wrong in that, I’m not about to shag him. I’m not in there flirting up a storm and batting my eyelids. I’m just a normal woman, where every now and again, you see someone and think wow he’s really bloody attractive and enjoy talking to them. I’m fairly sure if I was in a setting where he had to put his arm around me, I’d enjoy it. Normally these guys look like trolls. So it was a surprise.

am I about to tell my husband there’s a hot guy at work, nope, would I wish to know if a woman joined his work and he thought wow she’s attractive, nope. As long as anyone isn’t doing anything inappropriate you can’t control who you find attractive.

the issue only comes in when it goes past that, you start fantasising they fancy you, there was more to it, trying to flirt with them, seeking out ways to be near them etc, but if it’s just Christ he’s attractive and thay was a little exciting. Meh. No biggie.

I can't picture adults with their arms around one another singing festive songs

Probably ‘Auld Lang Syne’ as it was New Year’s Eve? People often link hands or arms to sing it.

Good grief. You seriously need to relax. I’ll tel you what a psychiatrist friend once told me. It’s normal to have thoughts of anything, as in I wonder what would happen if, I jumped off the bridge/kissed the man beside me/punched the woman beside me etc. all these thoughts are normal. What is abnormal is acting upon them. So have your daydream/illicit thought. That’s totally normal. Just don’t act upon it. And look at ways of boosting your self esteem since this is ultimately where your problem lies.

Maybe... true. Other than that though!

You had a pleasant interaction with an attractive man and your brain had a little daydream about it. The man didn't make a move or directly flirt (which i have a feeling would have horrified you) and as you say yourself you would never have done anything.

It's completely natural to notice people who are aesthetically pleasing or have a warm charismatic presence. I might have had a little daydream myself along the lines of "mmm lucky girlfriend" etc and forgotten about it next day. I expect my husband has similar thoughts but I also feel he'd never act on them. I don't want to know about the thoughts though, those things are best staying in your own head!

Be kinder to yourself, you don't deserve this turmoil.