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Original poster

Friends with benefits situation a bit out of control

47 replies

FairWriter · 06/12/2025 21:15

For over a year I have had a friends with benefits. We were kind of friends before adding the benefits but only really got to know each other properly after we started the FWB situation. We message every single day and have done for over a year. We have always said it’s about sex and fun and we would discuss if it became different and this arrangement has worked really well as neither of us want a relationship but we are also really close friends with a great level of trust.

About 2 months ago he started questioning me about another male friend (who is actually my gardener) and he said he thinks there’s something going on between me and him. There isn’t. I started to think he might be getting a bit jealous, I questioned him on it and he said no that we both know what this situation is and we are both just in it for sex and fun. We then agreed that should we want to start fun or an actual relationship with other people we would discuss it with eachother, but we both said that neither of us were looking for anything else with anyone else and we were both happy with our arrangement.

After that discussion I got completely blindsided because less than 2 weeks later he found himself a new lady to message and flirt with everyday and then he told me he really likes her and wants to see how things go with her but wants to carry on with me too….for now.

I’m starting to realise I have more feelings for him than I realised because this has made me so jealous 🙈🙈 I don’t like that he’s giving attention to someone else and I don’t like it at all that I no longer have his full attention, I know it sounds insane but this feeling has come from nowhere. Does this mean I have feelings for him? I need advice, I am stuck on what to do, literally it hurt so much finding this out and it’s shocked me how jealous I feel!

Now because we are also friends he is ringing me for advice about this situation with the new girl and asking me my opinion on things with her. I am being a good friend but also I’m starting to think….well what’s wrong with me, why hasn’t he felt this way about me etc.

I almost feel like he doesn’t want me but also doesn’t want anyone else to have me and I’m not sure what to do. I loved the arrangement how it was, but I do think I may need to leave now?

OP posts:
BlueJuniper94 · 06/12/2025 21:16

I have no idea why people think casual sex is a good idea

1836laura · 06/12/2025 21:18

I would guess there is no new lady and you are feeling exactly the way he hoped you would

TFImBackIn · 06/12/2025 21:19

This wouldn't work for me. If I liked them enough to sleep with them, I'd like them enough to date them. And if they wanted to sleep with me but nothing else I'd find that insulting.

Who the hell does he think he is, talking to you about his interest in other women?

CalmShaker · 06/12/2025 21:20

I'd concentrate on the gardener to be honest, he's already prepared your bush

QuirkyHorse · 06/12/2025 21:20

I would say your fwb arrangement doesn't really sound like it is that.
You need to lay your cards on the table.

babyproblems · 06/12/2025 21:22

1836laura · 06/12/2025 21:18

I would guess there is no new lady and you are feeling exactly the way he hoped you would

I thought this too and hope it’s the case!!
Tell him how you feel op.
If there is no new lady / it doesn’t work out, why don’t the two of you go on a date or try a relationship.. good luck xoxo

GeorgeClooneyshouldhavemarriedme · 06/12/2025 21:33

What exactly do you want?
You have 3 options.

  1. Cut all ties. Forget it and go look for something/someone else that makes you happy.
  2. Stay friends, but give up the" benefits" because it's just going to hurt you .
  3. Tell him exactly how you feel and if he reciprocates move into an exclusive relationship.

The " FWB" situation hasn't worked out. It was always open to change and once that happend it can never go back

Laura95167 · 06/12/2025 21:59

I think first of all wanting him and wanting him to want you are two different things

Second, whats the difference between sex friendship, everyday contact and a relationship?

Even if youre friends its poor form to be asking your opinion whilst still having sex with you. Why would you agree to this? How does he expect this relationship work if hes having sex with you? And if he isnt giving that up now.. well are you prepared to move from FWB to bit on the side/affair partner?

I think you cant keep having sex with him if you arent going to lay your cards on the table and suggest giving it a go. But dont be surprised if its too late.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 06/12/2025 22:02

I would be upfront and honest about your feelings. It gives him a chance to reciprocate or not as he sees fit.

Thepeopleversuswork · 06/12/2025 22:06

This is why FWB situations rarely work. The friendship and intimacy always tips it from casual into something more and invariably one person or the other becomes unsettled or jealous.

You need to decide if you want more and if you do its time for a cards on the table discussion.

If you want more and he doesn’t, though, you will have to be prepared to walk away. You won’t be able to manage being a friend if you’re seeking more.

TroysMammy · 06/12/2025 22:16

The FWB I had was casual - do you fancy going for a drive, to the zoo, cinema, go for a drink, bag of chips and a walk? Will you be my plus one for a wedding invite? Could you put up a curtain pole for me, I'll pay you with cooking a meal. Do you want to stay over and we'll go to the car boot sale in the morning? There was never daily phoning or texting only when needed. We had our own space to do other things. It wasn't a relationship it was friendship with sex thrown in occasionally.

Abbie7327 · 06/12/2025 22:24

BlueJuniper94 · 06/12/2025 21:16

I have no idea why people think casual sex is a good idea

I would have thought casual sex was entirely different? Friends with benefits sort of implies they know each other and there is an underlying friendship, casual sex would be meeting strangers?

Rolensausage · 06/12/2025 22:28

1836laura · 06/12/2025 21:18

I would guess there is no new lady and you are feeling exactly the way he hoped you would

He’s testing you, I’d say.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 06/12/2025 22:30

CalmShaker · 06/12/2025 21:20

I'd concentrate on the gardener to be honest, he's already prepared your bush

Edited

😂

HeartandSeoul · 06/12/2025 22:34

I’m starting to realise I have more feelings for him than I realised because this has made me so jealous 🙈🙈 I don’t like that he’s giving attention to someone else and I don’t like it at all that I no longer have his full attention

I found this part of your post quite telling, OP. It sounds to me that it is just that you are jealous, and will miss being the sole focus of his attention, and not so much that you will miss ‘him’. You don’t mention in detail about what feelings you have for him, only that you think you have feelings for him as you feel jealous.

I apologise if I am wrong, and that it all works out for you both if it is meant to be.

Ponoka7 · 06/12/2025 22:34

You can't carry on
I saw mine more than hook ups than FWB. He's broken the agreement by making accusations. Then by dumping his relationship issues on you. You could tell him how you feel, then end it. In its present form, it isn't working.

BlueJuniper94 · 06/12/2025 22:36

Abbie7327 · 06/12/2025 22:24

I would have thought casual sex was entirely different? Friends with benefits sort of implies they know each other and there is an underlying friendship, casual sex would be meeting strangers?

Show quote history

Friends having sex is a relationship. Even if both parties tell each other it is only until something better comes along. Casual sex is no strings sex, doesn't matter if you know the person or not

ThatCyanCat · 06/12/2025 22:39

I've never known a FWB situation that didn't end in either a full on relationship or an almighty mess. Tbh I don't really get how two people who are close friends and enjoy having sex with each other don't just call it a relationship. That's what a relationship should be!

Newyearawaits · 06/12/2025 22:40

QuirkyHorse · 06/12/2025 21:20

I would say your fwb arrangement doesn't really sound like it is that.
You need to lay your cards on the table.

This and your situation demonstrates that FWB rarely if ever work. For the majority, there are feelings involved

Bimblebombles · 06/12/2025 22:41

I agree with PP. It sounds like a relationship already, not friends with benefits. And not a particularly good relationship. One in which you’re giving him so much of your daily time and energy but aren’t given the decency of being able to call yourself his girlfriend, i’d be insulted if a man treated me like that.

MaggiesShadow · 06/12/2025 22:43

he told me he really likes her and wants to see how things go with her but wants to carry on with me too….for now.

Of course he does. What a prince you're vying for here. It's time to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. You need to tell him you want more if that's what you really do want. He'll either want it to, or not, in which case you need to end it.

But honestly, I can't tell if your jealousy stems from real feelings or your nose being out of joint that you're sharing attention. In THAT scenario, you still need to end it, IMO.

Abbie7327 · 06/12/2025 22:44

BlueJuniper94 · 06/12/2025 22:36

Friends having sex is a relationship. Even if both parties tell each other it is only until something better comes along. Casual sex is no strings sex, doesn't matter if you know the person or not

Show quote history

Thanks for this but I disagree with your interpretation from my own past experiences. It is quite naive to say that sex equals a relationship. I have had a couple of friends with benefits throughout adulthood and it was always nailed down at the beginning as to what the expectations were? I never classified myself as being in a relationship at the time.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 06/12/2025 22:47

CalmShaker · 06/12/2025 21:20

I'd concentrate on the gardener to be honest, he's already prepared your bush

Edited

He’ll have no trouble finding her clematis either, then.

BauhausOfEliott · 06/12/2025 22:57

BlueJuniper94 · 06/12/2025 21:16

I have no idea why people think casual sex is a good idea

Because when it actually is casual, none of this angst happens. All the casual sex I had, before I met my DP, was a lot of fun.

The OP’s problem is that both she and her supposed FWB have been treating it, at different times, like it’s a relationship when it isn’t.

Emptyandsad · 06/12/2025 22:59

TFImBackIn · 06/12/2025 21:19

This wouldn't work for me. If I liked them enough to sleep with them, I'd like them enough to date them. And if they wanted to sleep with me but nothing else I'd find that insulting.

Who the hell does he think he is, talking to you about his interest in other women?

This...

How can you be having sex repeatedly with the same person (who is a really good friend) and not have feelings for them?

I know there are plenty of people on here who have FWB and say it works for them (and good luck to them) but it would never work for me. A one night stand, with no strings, I can understand, but a long standing FWB blows my mind