Friends with benefits situation a bit out of control

[FairWriter]

For over a year I have had a friends with benefits. We were kind of friends before adding the benefits but only really got to know each other properly after we started the FWB situation. We message every single day and have done for over a year. We have always said it’s about sex and fun and we would discuss if it became different and this arrangement has worked really well as neither of us want a relationship but we are also really close friends with a great level of trust.

About 2 months ago he started questioning me about another male friend (who is actually my gardener) and he said he thinks there’s something going on between me and him. There isn’t. I started to think he might be getting a bit jealous, I questioned him on it and he said no that we both know what this situation is and we are both just in it for sex and fun. We then agreed that should we want to start fun or an actual relationship with other people we would discuss it with eachother, but we both said that neither of us were looking for anything else with anyone else and we were both happy with our arrangement.

After that discussion I got completely blindsided because less than 2 weeks later he found himself a new lady to message and flirt with everyday and then he told me he really likes her and wants to see how things go with her but wants to carry on with me too….for now.

I’m starting to realise I have more feelings for him than I realised because this has made me so jealous 🙈🙈 I don’t like that he’s giving attention to someone else and I don’t like it at all that I no longer have his full attention, I know it sounds insane but this feeling has come from nowhere. Does this mean I have feelings for him? I need advice, I am stuck on what to do, literally it hurt so much finding this out and it’s shocked me how jealous I feel!

Now because we are also friends he is ringing me for advice about this situation with the new girl and asking me my opinion on things with her. I am being a good friend but also I’m starting to think….well what’s wrong with me, why hasn’t he felt this way about me etc.

I almost feel like he doesn’t want me but also doesn’t want anyone else to have me and I’m not sure what to do. I loved the arrangement how it was, but I do think I may need to leave now?

Plot twist. The gardener is gay. The only bush he’s prepping is Rubus cockburnianus

Sounds like he is trying to make you jealous. Just tell him how you feel, what’s the worst that can happen?

He's trying to make you jealous, you're falling for it, no that doesn't mean you actually want him to be your boyfriend. Unless you do? But if you do, make sure it's not just because he's interested in someone else.

He's using you as an option and being blatant about it too. Remove yourself as an option.

I was in a similar situation many years ago. We weren’t quite FWB but we kind of smudged the line between friends & partners a bit. Anyway when he found a girlfriend I was jealous as all hell, but told myself he was my friend and I wanted him to be happy, and backed off. We ended up losing touch and I still miss him.

I regret it now. I wish I’d told him how I felt. He may still have chosen the other girl over me but at least I wouldn’t have always wondered about what might have been.

I've never had a FWB but surely there's boundary crossing for him to be asking your advice on this new woman? Not only to spare your feelings but I'm sure she'd be thrilled to learn you're inputting on their situation. You need as a minimum to knock that on the head.

I echo the PP who asked if you're sure it's HIM you want, or if you're just feeling a bruised ego?

I don’t understand the “friends” with benefits thing. I find that not actually getting on that well with someone or even having complete contempt for them is much easier when having casual sex.

Surely a “friend” you have sex with is actually just a partner!?

Call me old fashioned, but...

You're in daily contact,
You're friends who like each others company and care about each other,
You're sleeping together,
You're exclusive.

That's a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, in my eyes?

Whether there's another girlfriend or not, what he's doing is shitty. So I'd dump him for that. It's not how to treat a friend or a girlfriend or anyone he cares about at all. He's deliberately causing you emotional pain, it never makes sense to stay with someone who does that.

If there's another woman, he's using you as a fallback and always has been, he's also showing signs of a controlling nature. He doesn't want you properly with commitments, but doesn't want anyone else to have you either because he likes having a fallback option (which won't exist if you fall in love with someone else) - that's total disrespect towards you and if you put up with it now it'll only get worse. It's a red flag.

If there's not another woman and he's doing this to make you jealous because he thinks you've got someone else, that's a huge red flag for emotional immaturity and punishing you for his hurt feelings, even though you've done nothing to hurt him and it's all his perception (not that it would be ok even if you had done something). Nobody wants a man-child, they don't make good partners or fathers.

If he wanted you all to himself, with commitments etc, why doesn't he just tell you and see where the conversation goes? Instead he's trying to - what exactly? - manipulate you into being with only him (ie "committment" by any other name)/being his fallback option and happily tolerating it like you're not worth more/confess undying love first so he doesn't risk rejection by being the first to open up?

Whatever, I wouldn't care. I value straightforward communication, not having to psychoanalyse my partner with my friends (or strangers on the internet) to get a handle on what's going on, so I wouldn't touch this situation with a barge pole. I can't be doing with mind games. Relationships should feel fun and make you feel loved, not make you feel shit.

In this situation, I would call off the whole thing. If it is true and works out for him, you’ll be dumped as soon as the girlfriend finds out.
If is isn’t true, and he is trying to make you jealous, then this needs to end as it’s so immature.
Even the idea of him having a new girlfriend and still wanting his benefits with you, he can piss off.

Play with fire... you get burnt.
You could try actually talking truthfully with him.

😂

😂

I'm gonna say its half likely he's realised he likes you and is forcing a move on with this new woman, or he's got jealous & wanted to return the favour to you.

I'm leaning more towards him doing this for a reaction, because I've played and been part of these silly games before - fwiw, it never works out well

I have yet to see a FWB work. Someone always catches feelings, which makes sense. Orgasm=release of cuddle/bonding hormones. It's how we are built.

So just tell him you can't objectively help him with the new relationship.

'Let's put our arrangement on hold since you're pushing someone to go out with. I think you should talk that through with other friends as it's a bit weird to do that with the friend you've been sleeping with'

Sorted

This

Tbh I feel bad for the new lady, who won’t know her new man is shagging another woman at the same time as seeing her.

pretty gross tbh

He sounds like an old hand at this sort of thing.

And fancies himself as a bit of an Adonis to boast to his sad male friends

Send him.a bill for the shag. Get his name all over Internet Then block him.

FWB 🙄. You’re just two terrified people.

sat Writing up my Christmas cards and fell off the chair howling in laughter… kids are demanding to know the joke… dog thinks as I am happy a treat is to follow…

Just end it completely block him on everything and that's it. He is inconsiderate and you have caught feels. Ongoing FWB never work well. If you want ongoing be in a relationship if you want casual just get on Tinder and find occassional lovers.

A fwb situation is rarely a good idea. I don’t know why people do it