Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

OP, the pride and joy you have in your new car, how hard you have worked for it and how you don’t take it for granted shines through on here.

The boundaries that you have in place to protect your self worth is inspirational. If you like an uncluttered, clean environment, good for you. Nothing wrong with that.

I think you need to learn how to communicate more effectively OP and enforcing your boundaries in a way that doesn't involve walking out in a strop.
People will always try and walk all over your boundaries and will always be irritating but you just can't behave badly in return without looking bad yourself.
I would just have said sorry I've just had the car cleaned I don't want anyone eating in it. You will have to make other arrangements end of. Then ignored all further comments on the matter and changed the subject.
Now they all know that you are incredibly easy to wind up and they will not respect you.

Now my car is an absolute skip. Myself and my kids eat in it a lot and its muddy and grimy. I get it cleaned every now and then but we are a busy family who often have to eat on the run. However I would never eat in someone else's car and I would hate someone other than me and my kids eating in my car. The smell of someone else's packed lunch would probably make me feel sick. Its so rude.

I will do. And I’m not expecting an apology, nor do I think I’m entitled to one really. I made my point I’d prefer that to just be the end of it. If she’s still acting hard done by like she was all Friday afternoon after the lunch then it’ll be mildly irritating at most. But I’m not letting it dictate my mood I’ll be too hungover to be concerned about anything else

Well you do seem a little uptight and rigid however Emma is also rigid and uptight not to eat at least something if you’re all going to a restaurant. She could have been more relaxed and accommodating and chosen a side order of vegetables so you are not the only one being uncompromising.

Which ones? 🧐 We need to know.

?

" I'll be surprised if HR doesn't pull you for bullying/attempting to cause constrictive dismissal if someone leaves because they are uncomfortable around you. "

😂🤦‍♂️🤣

HR have fuck all power to do anything that happened on a lunch break outside of the office. HR my ass 🤣🤣🤣

Of all the stupid comments against the OP that I have seen on this thread, this one wins.

And to question if the OP has friends? What is it to you? I'm her friend - I'm sure she is glad that you aren't!

The post was a wall of nonsense. This one was the winner;

If my child acted like that, I'd be having some very loud words with them in front of everyone.

Like I’m an infant 😂😂 silly woman

We obviously were not there, so we do not know the exact tone, people’s expressions or how the conversations actually sounded. And we are only hearing your side. We do not know how Emma or the others would explain it.

But a couple of things stood out to me.

1. It is a work tradition, and your colleagues still took time out of their lunch break to go out for your birthday. Some people enjoy that social time and some do not, but they still made the effort for you.

1. You have your boundaries, which is fine. I like that you stick to them. But I do think you could have put it across more politely to Emma when she commented. Even if she was being dramatic or looking for sympathy, you can still be firm but kind at the same time.

Where it really went wrong was the snapping and walking out. Stress can make anyone react sharply, and you clearly have a lot going on. But when you walked out, it did not just affect Emma. It affected everyone at the table. And it meant the colleagues who came in your car now had to get a lift with someone else. They were not stranded, but it did put that responsibility on another person without checking first.

You were right to tell Emma she should have eaten before leaving and that she did not warn you she was not eating out. You were also right that her expecting to stay in your car with your keys was not appropriate. But there were other ways to handle the situation, like:

• she can join the table and simply not order food

• ask for a spare plate and discreetly put her own lunch on it

• order the smallest item on the menu or even just a drink so she is still participating

• ask the restaurant quietly whether she can eat her own food there

Your delivery, especially the snapping and saying you do not have time, was not the best in that moment.

Emma’s behaviour was out of line, there’s no denying that, and she needs to take accountability for putting you in that position in the first place.

On Monday, apologise for your part (the snapping and walking out).

If Emma does not apologise for her part, that is on her.

But you should still be clear, calm and accountable for your part too, because you did not do too well on this day either.

Fair enough, although I wouldn't expect severe stains from an adult really unless drunk and scoffing a kebab with chilli sauce.

As i implied, my car is more a practical use full of kids and dogs so always has blankets and covers on. DH on the other hand keeps his impeccable as it's a company car, hence mine for all the mess! Xxx

My pet peeves are people doing weird things in other peoples cars. I’ve had people actually want to paint their nails / toenails on the dash of my car - ewww!!! Let alone the stench.

blooming getting a food box out? That’s just not on, you don’t do that. I will admit your reaction may have been better to have laughed it off and said “no not in my car are you joking that’s ridiculous”, but it annoys me people put others in a real predicament. Blooming “leave me with your keys”, sometimes people might need a wake up call to their bonkers questions, don’t give it another thought.

I’m now fuming in your behalf.

Could it have been that she couldn't afford the lunch and was bring her lunch from home?

OP has fuck all to apologise for.

As for this comment:

"And it meant the colleagues who came in your car now had to get a lift with someone else."

Well, if the SandwichCunt & Co Crew had not acted like fucking cunts towards the OP, then they wouldnt have had to worry, would they?

JFC 🤦‍♂️

There are some absolute twats posting these days. Ignore this loon OP 🙄

Definitely not, none of us are in junior positions.

Even if that was the case, no one will be eating in my car.

Oh I am, I could only utter emojis 😂😂

In that case

YOU .DO. NOT . GO

😂😂😂😂

I wonder where/when Lunchbox woman ended up eating her lunch after you had left. Sounds awful. How old are these colleagues?

She ate it at her desk afterwards. I guess Emma didn’t offer up her car either.

I am early 30s. They are mid-late 30s

My car rule is also no eating or drinking unless its water - 40 years I've mainly managed to have it kept. Over the years I have had some opposition from adults, parents of children and children.
My car is old! I think it is a perfectly reasonable request that people in my car do not consume food - including sweets - and fluids. I don't even think it needs discussed - colleague asked and was refused. I think colleague's level of entitlement is outstanding.
Happy birthday - my congratulations on achieving your car and sticking to your guns.

Best post on the whole thread!

Needs the laughing emoji back.

Well done for sticking up for yourself then and on this post. Even with some very odd replies, like why did you buy a Range Rover, I knew you’d be a range rover driver and the dogmatic character assassination by one incessant poster!

I suspect your colleague did this deliberately to get a rise out of you.

I say good for you for being honest and speaking your mind !