Walked out of my own birthday lunch

[Nevs]

I walked out of my birthday lunch with colleagues yesterday. I know I’ve overreacted a bit but need some perspective from an outsiders perspective.

For context, as I feel it is relevant: I am a very tidy person and big on cleanliness. It’s an ongoing joke with people at work, as I wipe my desk down with antibacterial wipe each morning. My desk is always very tidy and bare, in comparison to everyone else’s, which people pick up on. There’s light teasing in the group but it’s fine, each of us have our own little quirks that make us unique. This is mine. I cannot relax in mess, so therefore my workspace needs the be clean and tidy, as does my house (as you’re probably guessing, no I don’t have kids yet 😆)

I have recently bought a brand new car, from the dealership. Everyone at work knows, they refer to it as my “big fancy car” It cost quite a lot but I’ve been saving for it for a while as it’s a car I’ve always wanted, and guess you could say it was a birthday present to myself. I’ve also had custom amendments to the interior and seats to make it look nicer. (Not trying to boast, as I said I’m just giving context to the situation)

Now on to the actual incident… It was my birthday yesterday. At work we all tend to eat out a local restaurant for lunch when it’s someone’s birthday.

I’m really not big on making a fuss on my birthday to be honest, it’s just another day to me, and I’ve been overwhelmed with work recently, so couldn’t have really done with that extra time to catch up on work. So I didn’t particularly want to go, but still I agreed to go for lunch since I guess you could say it’s tradition. While the restaurant is local, you need to drive there. So 5 of us went in 2 cars- 2 in one car, and 3 including myself, in my car (the two colleagues in my car don’t drive)

As I pulled up to the restaurant car park, I have colleague Sarah in my passenger seat, and Jane in the backseat. Just as we’re about t get out, Jane out of no where pulls out her lunchbox and says “Nev do you mind if I just eat this in here? I can’t eat anything in there right now (she’s on a diet)”
Immediately I’m irritated, as

1. she put me on the spot, she did not warn me before hand
2. as everyone knows, I’m a clean freak and admittedly a bit uptight, I can’t help it. And I’ve just spent a lot of money having my interior upgraded, she knew full well I would be uncomfortable with this, but she choose to put me in that situation anyway

My response was “Um, no? I don’t eat in my car”
She said she wouldn’t make a mess, and suggested for my benefit, as she doesn’t want to keep me waiting, I can leave her in my car with the car keys and she can lock up and meet us in the restaurant when she’s done. I said “Absolutely not. Why didn’t you say you weren’t going to be eating in there before we left?” She looked a bit put out but then accepted it, and said “it’s fine” put her lunchbox back in her bag and got out the car. Sarah would was sat in the passenger seat looked awkward and didn’t say anything.

We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma* laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.
I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”
Everyone went quiet and looked awkwardly in their menus.

About 30 seconds go by and no one has said a word. I stand up and said “I’m not sitting in this awkwardness I don’t have time for it anyway, I’m going back” and leave. (Emma’s car is a 5 seater so fits all of them for the drive back, I wouldn’t have left anyway stranded)

I know snapping and walking out was extreme, I’m very stressed with work at the moment. I have my own portfolio that I cannot distribute out to anyone else for assistance. I’m overloaded with work. I think this was why I was so short with them.

I didn’t speak to any of them for the rest of the afternoon, everyone was quiet. I’m not dreading Monday, but I am anticipating another awkward atmosphere and I don’t even know how to go about it.

I know my delivery was unreasonable, but was colleague also unreasonable? Or am I just a snappy nightmare?

I said I dont know because I was not there and I don't find the OP to be a reliable narrator and therefore do not entirely trust her account. Not sure what else you want from me?

I already said that she was totally in her rights to say no to Jane. Was Jane unprofessional for asking - open to debate. But she asked a question and was given an answer. Its kind of pathetic to get so worked up about it, in my opinion. What a waste of time and energy.

The issue here is really was the OP disproportionate in her response - to me she was. And that is the ultimate response she appears to be seeking.

It is odd that she didn’t mention it and left it to the last minute to whip out her lunchbox, however I have said YABU as I don’t think I could have said no, I would have felt awful and just let her do it and suck up a few crumbs if she made a bit of mess. It’s awkward, it really sensitive to smells so would struggle with someone eating something unexpected in my car but like I say, I probably couldn’t have said no knowing she would then be sat hungry…

Sticking it out and, preferably, rescuing the birthday lunch would not have been the actions of a pushover.

Honestly, cats are filthy. They jump up on your kitchen counters, shed hair everywhere, they prefer to sleep on your bed, so cat hair in your sheets too. And if it has a litter tray, there is all the cat litter everywhere and the smell of their rancid shits.

Don't do it!

Exactly. Don’t you dare apologise

they were trying to set you up

they owe YOU an apology

It's astonishing really, most posters who recount a situation where they were set up to lower their boundaries and people please, are berated for doing so, told they're a wet lettuce, told to grow a spine etc.

Then along comes a poster who DID maintain boundaries, stick up for herself, refused to people please... and she gets berated for it!

@Nevs Set the tone as soon as you walk in tomorrow, cheerful good morning to everyone then crack on with work. Then if they're going to be frosty arseholes (snigger at the mental image) they can suit themselves, thats an active choice to be that way and speaks volumes about them.

If it’d been me I’d have said to Emma ‘why don’t you offer your car then?’ And I think that would have shut down all further aggro towards you one way or the other

also it would have been wise to give it longer then 30 seconds of silent browsing if menus before walking out because I’m sure things would have perked up but can understand if you’re already a bit stressed with work and don’t really want to be there you feel like what’s the point

I do understand why you wouldn’t want her eating in your car though, it’s smelly and she knows you are worried about stains etc. I’ve had people eat in my car as well and I’ve always later found rubbish left behind. So annoying.

Really?

I think the OP was very assertive as befits her senior job role and that of her colleagues and peers.

I think this is good script for Monday morning, @Nevs.

How was my birthday, you ask? Lovely thanks. Oh you lot really did try to wind me up though, didn’t you? Naughty naughty. Luckily for me I saw through it, you crazy rapscallions. Anyway, back to the Biederman contract …

More fool you then and that is exactly what people like the Cheeky Lunchbox Queen rely on - emotionally blackmailing you to feel bad and reward their cheek.

The person whipping out their lunchbox would not keel over and die of starvation if they had to wait until they returned to the office to eat, furthermore they had the option to eat before they left for the restaurant, or they could have surely found something on the restaurant menu to eat or indeed just declined the offer of going to the restaurant since they were not going to eat anything there. If they end up sitting at a restaurant table not eating and feeling hungry that's on them they had other options available to them.

Expecting to sit in someone else's car, or even your own car, parked in a restaurant car park eating a packed lunch and then going into the restaurant to sit at a table with others watching them whilst they eat while you don't is just weird.

Why on Earth would the OP "rescue" a complete shit show of a "birthday" meal with SandwichCunt & Co?

A pushover is someone who is set up on the sly and then sticks it out for fear of being labelled something absurd for not staying.

As it is, the OP did what any sane person would do - defend themselves from the verbal onslaught of other cunty colleagues and walk away from spending any valuable birthday time with people like that.

If people are stupid enough to want to stay "and stick it out", then thats on them.

We do not know that the OP was set up on the sly. Personally I think that sounds unlikely. Also, there was no verbal onslaught.
Jane looked sad and explained what had happened in the car, Emma said it would have been nice if you’d let Jane eat in the car, OP snapped at them and there was a short, awkward silence before she stormed out the restaurant.
It could all so easily have been brushed over - and moved on from. Such a bonkers overreaction from OP - and from you.

Lunchbox woman was a cheeky fucker. Enjoy your new car and happy birthday.

Why didn’t Car Emma invite Lunchbox Jane to eat in her car?

Your scenario would require this to have happened. And it didn’t.

Perhaps because they were by that time all already sitting in the restaurant and Jane wanted to be present at the birthday lunch? Leaving the table to eat her lunch elsewhere is not the same as eating her lunch before she got there.
Alternatively , if OP had waited a bit longer perhaps they would have thought of this solution too, who knows?

You sound awesome @Nevs
You absolutely rock.

I hope you'll update after Monday to let us know how it went down

If Lunchbox Jane had been allowed to remain alone in OP's car eating her lunch the rest of them would have been seated at the restaurant table when Jane deigned to join them anyway.

Jane didn't ask to eat her lunch in the car until they had arrived and parked in the restaurant car park.

You are correct Jane should have eaten her lunch before they got there, in the office before they left for the restaurant.

Is there any chance( clutching at straws) that they had planned a little birthday surprise? Some little car gifts like a posh air freshener or putting a funny cd in the player? That would explain the odd insistence on being in the car alone and the others being unable to leave it alone. Just a probably hopelessly Pollyanna thought.

You sound awful. Imagine walking out of a birthday lunch

Revisionist much?

Also, what you think happened has fuck all bearing here. Its what the OP says that counts.

I am not going to point out the bleeding obvious, but in case you missed it, here is the OP's post below which includes the pile on. As said, your thoughts do not apply or count - only the OP's does.

Bonkers is what you are doing in minimising the hurt the OP felt on her birthday, of all days.

If you want to believe the SandwichCunt Crew, then go right ahead - your piss poor attempts at revising the OPs facts are laughable.

FYI:

"We got into the restaurant and met the other two, who had already arrived and were seated. While seated Jane mentioned to the other two that she won’t be ordering. They asked her if she’d brought lunch with her, she said she had but she’ll eat back at the office. Then referred to the incident in my car while looking rather self pitying, this is not her usual demeanour, it looked like an act if I’m honest. I took that as she was looking for sympathy and to get the others on her side. Colleague Emma laughed and said “Nevs as if you didn’t let her eat. Now she has to watch us and be hungry”

At that point I wasn’t happy, and I’m already aware I’m probably more annoyed than nessessary, l said “And whose fault is that? She sprung it on me out of no where” Jane then said she’s mentioned previously she can’t eat out at the moment due to her diet, which is a lie, she has never told me that.

I said she should have eaten at her before we came out. I also said to Jane “I wasn’t going to swallow any discomfort because you’ve put me in a situation you knew wouldn’t be comfortable with. If you feel awkward now, it’s on you” Emma then continues to press and says that regardless, if she wasn’t going to make a mess, it would have been nice if I’d let her use my car. At this point I snapped “My car my rules! That’s the end of the discussion!”"

If she knew she wasn’t eating, she should have eaten at work prior to leaving. I eat in my car but would never assume that someone else would be ok with it and when you said no, she should have left it there. Seems that no one respect boundaries these days and we are expected to do things to make others happy even if it makes us unhappy. Fuck the lot of them OP, I love that you had boundaries and asserted them, well done you. Don’t feel awkward, just go in Monday and behave as normal, if people are shitty, just keep to yourself.

Fuck that! I’m sorry but no way would I be having anyone eating in my brand new car! Especially when I don’t eat in it, I’m a clean freak too and to accommodate someone on a bloody diet. Oh fgs that silly woman needs to grow up and organise her time better so she either eats beforehand or orders a bloody salad at the restaurant and a glass of water !

I work in food service and adults can be messier than toddlers.

You sound really controlling…. But yes your car and your rules. She is the one that put you in the situation, and you shouldn’t have to do anything that you’re not comfortable with… and she realistically caused the whole scenario.

She could have eaten in the restaurant; and just said she had an allergy, so has to eat her own food (my daughter has coeliacs and we do this at restaurants that may be picked by others that are not GF).

would I have snapped? No.