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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - cancelled social event

44 replies

unrsnblyannoyd · 06/12/2025 10:22

I just need a little perspective. Friend and I had planned to visit an art gallery, they have a new exhibition it’s only on for a few weeks. We arranged this a couple of months ago. Friend did mention that she’s going to see it with her sister but was happy to go with me too. We were meant to go last weekend but DC (14yo) in the 2 weeks prior has been in A&E with gynae issues and been told needs a minor op. It’s minor but until done is in a lot of pain. DH is useless with anything like this and tbf what teenager wants their Dad for gynae issues?! During yet another GP wait I came to the conclusion that I didn’t feel right leaving her - the gallery is about 3hrs drive away. I messaged friend and explained, apologised etc… around 5/6 days before but didn’t get a response until the day we were meant to go saying that’s fine hope matters are dealt with swiftly. I suspect she’s upset with me and I understand it’s inconvenient but equally am a bit upset at the response. I’m sure I’m being over sensitive but would value others views.

OP posts:
Fends · 06/12/2025 10:24

What did you want her to say?

Ohmydears · 06/12/2025 10:26

If I messaged that it was fine and I hoped matters were dealt with swiftly I would mean exactly that. Is there a chance you are reading too much into it?

I hope all goes well for your DC.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 06/12/2025 10:26

DH is useless
Why is this not your focus?

MirandaWest · 06/12/2025 10:26

She may be a bit annoyed but she’ll get over it. Is there any cost implication? Hope your DD isn’t in too much pain

minipie · 06/12/2025 10:26

If she had her sister to go with anyway then you haven’t let her down nearly as much as if it was just the two of you .

She’s probably a bit disappointed but it’s just one of those things.

Off topic but 3 hours drive for an art exhibition seems extraordinary!!

BrokenWorldRecord · 06/12/2025 10:27

You felt the need to post about this? I was expecting you to say your friend is charging you for her wasted time or dragged you out of the hospital to go.

PaperPond · 06/12/2025 10:27

I wouldn’t see her reply as indicating upset, just a rather brisk way of expressing herself, ie she’s not the ‘Oh, poor love! Gynae stuff is so tricky!’ type of texter.

But obviously you know her, and I don’t. However, I’m not sure what yiu can do about her being upset, if she is. You didn’t do anything wrong. You gave her plenty of notice and apologised, and it’s a non-negotiable reason. She’s already seen the exhibition.

PaperPond · 06/12/2025 10:27

minipie · 06/12/2025 10:26

If she had her sister to go with anyway then you haven’t let her down nearly as much as if it was just the two of you .

She’s probably a bit disappointed but it’s just one of those things.

Off topic but 3 hours drive for an art exhibition seems extraordinary!!

I’ve frequently travelled to other countries to see an exhibition!

snoopythebeagle · 06/12/2025 10:29

It sounds like a bit of a non-event, really.

You could have left your teen with their dad, really.

DeQuin · 06/12/2025 10:33

Ohmydears · 06/12/2025 10:26

If I messaged that it was fine and I hoped matters were dealt with swiftly I would mean exactly that. Is there a chance you are reading too much into it?

I hope all goes well for your DC.

Exactly this. Why are you telling yourself the story that she is upset? Could she just be really busy and rushing to acknowledge? Are you insecure in this friendship? Do you have form for cancelling and she’s expressed displeasure before? I have form as have high needs kids and shit happens and is part of the package of being friends with me. No biggie for good friends as they know what my life is like and care about me. Have just cancelled lunch with buddies I only see a few times a year. I’ll meet them next time; they understand.

Haffdonga · 06/12/2025 10:33

Your friend has paid for tickets (and travel?) to attend the exhibition with you even though she's going again. It's probably quite a lot of money and she may be a bit miffed or disappointed. It can't be helped but could you offer her your ticket so she can take another friend instead?
Her message is a bit abrupt but not rude and there's not a lot you can say about someone else's gynae issues.

MotherofPufflings · 06/12/2025 10:35

You're inferring from the delay in her replying to you that she's annoyed/upset/disappointed with you? She might not be bothered and forgot to reply.

Tbf, you did let her down, your reasons might seem reasonable to you, she may feel that they weren't.

Personally, I think it would have been better to call and speak with her when you cancelled. I think those conversations are better had with voices, tone and emotion than over text.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/12/2025 10:36

She’s probably disappointed, she’s not been as gushing as you’d like in her response but has said it’s fine. Send her a Christmas card with a nice message, and take the lead in proactively arranging plans to spend time together in the new year. I admit to getting a bit annoyed with friends who flake out on things because they’re compensating for a useless partner, but the annoyance blows over quickly and I’m always happy to see my friend.

IsItSnowing · 06/12/2025 10:51

She may or may not be upset. You don't know because you haven't asked. If she's a good friend why not ask her.

Give her a ring and say, look I realise I might have upset you by doing this and I feel bad but I had to prioritise my dd. Can I make it up to you.

Doing this kind of things by message is fraught with the possibility of miscommunication.

At the end of the day you made a choice based on your priorities. Own it. You don't have to make everybody happy.

I'd have a strong word with my DH though if he couldn't help look after his dd fora few hours while you went out. It being gynae issues is no excuse. She doesn't have to discuss it with him. Presumably there is nothing much either of you can do besides offer comfort, painkilers or whatever else she needs while waiting for her op. He can fetch and carry just as well as you can.

HeadyLamarr · 06/12/2025 11:02

Off topic but 3 hours drive for an art exhibition seems extraordinary!!

Not at all! DP and I frequently travel more than that to see exhibitions we're interested in. If you like art, it's well worth the journey.

OP, she's probably a bit annoyed that you don't trust your husband to look after his own daughter. I would be, I think. It would be different if it was the day of the op, but just hanging around while she feels rough is a bit unnecessary.

Why can't DH step up -keeping her supplied with hot water bottles, drinks and paracetamol while she watches telly on the couch is hardly demanding. Or giving her a cuddle and distracting her - Parenting 101, surely.

It's also weird that you don't think he can look after her for gynaecological issues. Why on earth not? It's not the Victorian era.

I do hope she gets sorted soon, poor thing.

I expect your friend is a little pissed off about being let down after a plan made some months back, but she'll get over it.

BennyHenny · 06/12/2025 11:08

I’m afraid in your friends’s position I’d feel a bit miffed, it doesn’t sound like it was an emergency situation, she would have been with a presumably fully functioning adult parent and she’s 14, not a helpless baby who wouldn’t cope for the best part of a day without you.

Obviously you made the choice you were comfortable with at the time which I’d understand in your friend’s position, but I’d still also think it was an over reaction to what sounds like not an emergency situation.

thevassal · 06/12/2025 11:10

IsItSnowing · 06/12/2025 10:51

She may or may not be upset. You don't know because you haven't asked. If she's a good friend why not ask her.

Give her a ring and say, look I realise I might have upset you by doing this and I feel bad but I had to prioritise my dd. Can I make it up to you.

Doing this kind of things by message is fraught with the possibility of miscommunication.

At the end of the day you made a choice based on your priorities. Own it. You don't have to make everybody happy.

I'd have a strong word with my DH though if he couldn't help look after his dd fora few hours while you went out. It being gynae issues is no excuse. She doesn't have to discuss it with him. Presumably there is nothing much either of you can do besides offer comfort, painkilers or whatever else she needs while waiting for her op. He can fetch and carry just as well as you can.

yes, this.

At the end of the day it's your decision to make but when I first read it I thought the op was scheduled for that day - but you just want to be at home just in case your DD struggles that day? That does seem a bit OTT because it sounds like there is literally nothing you can do if she is in pain other than offer sympathy, that she couldn't do herself without you (e.g. take medicine). That's not to say I don't sympathise hugely with her, but it doesn't seem practical for you to never leave her side until she has this op - do you not go to work? Does she not go to school?

Unless she is so incapacitated she literally needs help changing pads or similar it shouldn't really make any difference whether it's gynae issues or not to whether her dad can keep an eye on her - it doesn't really matter where the pain is. Neither of you are expected to be rooting around up her!

KaleidoscopeSmile · 06/12/2025 12:14

I think I would've rung rather than messaged OP in this case

Thundertoast · 06/12/2025 12:19

I would also be pretty annoyed that my friend hadnt divorced a man who is useless at helping his own children when they are in pain, to be honest. So if you died tomorrow he would just... neglect her if she became ill? This is BASIC parenting like feeding and watering and taking them outside for God's sake.

Original poster
unrsnblyannoyd · 06/12/2025 13:23

Thank you for all your opinions. I think the mixed reactions show probably neither of us is entirely being unreasonable and both of us could have done things differently. I hadn’t even thought to mention in the post there’s been no financial loss - we hadn’t pre booked and were driving so no train fares or anything like that to worry about.
At the time I messaged we were waiting to see if the medication they gave worked or if she needed surgery that day, so it wasn’t entirely clear cut. Of course her Dad can get her painkillers etc… he’s just not very good at the cuddles and sympathy bit, or being able to relate to what she’s going through in the same way (or maybe I’m soft with her, which I’m quite prepared to be!). Thanks again all, you’ve given me some much needed perspective

OP posts:
Purplevelvets · 06/12/2025 13:45

I'm not really sure you needed to cancel, but her response seems reasonable to me. It's exactly what I'd send. I'd mean it even if I was raising an eybrow at the decision to cancel.

I'd probably leave things in your court to organise the next meet up, thinking you weren't that keen afterall.

ShanghaiDiva · 06/12/2025 13:50

Fends · 06/12/2025 10:24

What did you want her to say?

Something like- don’t worry about cancelling and hope your dd feels better soon.

Whoevenarethey · 06/12/2025 13:51

I would say you are overthinking. She probably read the message, forgot to reply, and then when the day came you were meant to go remembered she hadn't said anything so replied then.
Perhaps a phone call initially would have helped rather than messaging.

ShanghaiDiva · 06/12/2025 13:54

BrokenWorldRecord · 06/12/2025 10:27

You felt the need to post about this? I was expecting you to say your friend is charging you for her wasted time or dragged you out of the hospital to go.

And you felt the need to make an unnecessary unpleasant comment.
just scroll on .,

Ivy888 · 06/12/2025 15:23

I think you are underestimating your husband tbh, or have a husband issue. He’s her father for goodness sake! He should be able to comfort her. I’m not sure it was necessary to cancel.
But I also think you are reading waaaaay too much into her response. Her response was fine. There was nothing weird about it. What exactly had you wanted her to say? Or are you the type that thinks people are upset with you no matter what they say?