Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send present to MIL anymore?

41 replies

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 16:38

MIL has fallen out with DH's DSis big time.
Last year she broke her hip so DSis dropped work in the middle of day and rushed up to be with her. Sorted out care for her pets, brought her things in hospital. Together we tidied the house a bit, assuming she'd need walking frame, commode etc.
MIL told her daughter to use what she needed from the cash under the bed(I know!), which she did, and kept a list and recipts. All good. Until MIL got home and said there had been more cash than DSis says there was. Ever since she's called her DD a thief and won't let her in the house or even speak on the phone. She sent her no card on her birthday for the first time ever.
DH and I went up and tried to get to the bottom of it but she's irrational.
DSis is beside herself. She has no reason to take any money (got plenty of her own) and has always been so helpful to her mum.
A whole year has gone by and everytime DSis rings her mum, she hangs up as soon a she hears her voice.
We usually send a card and present (she lives 6 hours drive away) but it feels so false to do it this year.

OP posts:
XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

saraclara · 05/12/2025 16:44

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

WTF? And, in effect, confirm to her mother that she stole the money, when she didn't?

You've got to be joking.

Cosyblankets · 05/12/2025 16:44

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

Wouldn't that be like admitting to theft?

tinyspiny · 05/12/2025 16:45

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

Why should she and the mum would say she had admitted doing it .

Createausername1970 · 05/12/2025 16:47

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

That might actually make matters worse as MIL could take that as proof her daughter did take the money.

Me, personally, I would stay out of it and still send a card/present as normal and see what unfolds next year.

saraclara · 05/12/2025 16:47

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

If course it wouldn't put an end to the saga. She'd be admitting to theft, so her mother would continue not to speak to her daughter, the thief.

Yours has to be the most ridiculously illogical and unfair suggestion I've seen on Mumsnet in a long time.

sprigatito · 05/12/2025 16:48

Is she definitely mentally well and all there? I’ll probably get eye-rolled for mentioning dementia, but I live with an Alzheimer’s sufferer so I’m aware of how weird the presentation can be in the early stages.

If that’s definitely not a possibility, then I think you should support your SIL who has done nothing wrong. Does your DH not feel compelled to say something to her?

GasPanic · 05/12/2025 16:48

How much are we talking here ?

It sounds like she is losing her marbles so people in that situation need to be accommodated. I guess she must be fairly old if she broke her hip.

I don't know what the solution is. It sounds like she needs your sister but if she is acting irrationally then it's hard to overcome that. Is there anyone around that she really trusts that could speak to her about it to persuade her otherwise.

Maybe someone on here has been in a similar situation and has some suggestions.

It does sound like she is very vunerable, and people in that situation can get very paranoid.

Egglio · 05/12/2025 16:49

Unless your MIL has some sort of cognitive decline, then your SIL should leave her to it. Let MIL reap what she has sown.

heartofsunshine · 05/12/2025 16:49

How is it that so often on MN the first answer is batshit.

I would stay well out of it OP and let your DH sort this one.

tinyspiny · 05/12/2025 16:49

To answer the question I’d send a card and leave it at that .

Contrarymary30 · 05/12/2025 16:49

Could MIL be starting with dementia.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/12/2025 16:51

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

Hell no. This would make it worse!

Shatteredallthetimelately · 05/12/2025 16:51

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

Bloody hell....
What in the name of stupidity did I just read.

MrsArcher23 · 05/12/2025 16:53

Obsession about money and money being taken is definitely a sign of cognitive decline. Even if other signs aren’t present yet.

saraclara · 05/12/2025 16:55

@SoftandQuiet , my mum has twice accused my (completely innocent) brother of theft. Not to him, but to me. Fortunately he's still oblivious. But both times I absolutely let loose on my mother. I was absolutely furious (one of the items she claimed that he'd stolen, she'd actually given to me a few years before).

The second accusation was even worse. She was burgled and her house ransacked while she slept, a decade before she randomly told me that she reckoned that he'd done it. At that point I told her that I'd have nothing more to do with her if she continued to make such terrible accusations. She cried, and then I contacted her only close friend to let him know what had happened. He was really supportive of me and said that he'd address it with her. I went minimal contract with her after that.

I think that you and your DH should be stepping up for your SIL, rather than trying to keep out of it, frankly.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 05/12/2025 16:57

The problem is MIL believes it and presumably cannot countenance any "truth" other than sil stole it.
Anecdotally financial obsession to this point by a family member was the start of a vascular dementia diagnosis... so I'd be wary of being too harsh

I'd send a card and some £20 flowers....

Egglio · 05/12/2025 16:57

@SoftandQuiet I think the biggest question before it is put down to cognitive decline is whether this is completely unlike your MIL. Or if she has always been like this in one way or another.

shiningstar2 · 05/12/2025 17:02

SIL definitely shouldn't 'give back' what she didn't take. This would sent an entirely wrong message to MIL. Your SIL sounds lovely and it's sounds unlikely that a caring daughter, putting herself out to help her mother and with plenty of money of her own would do this. I know this isn't really your business IP but I would be trying to pour oil on troubled waters by kindly reinforcing that this is unlikely with your MIL rather than not sending her a present. If your kind SIL draws back from supporting HR mother, which could happen, it will cause all sorts of problems for you and your husband with probable expectations you can't meet living so far away. If you don't send a present MIL will likely feel more isolated and firm up her position..Not great whether or not dementia ends up being the cause. 🌺

saraclara · 05/12/2025 17:10

Dementia or not, your SIL needs to stay away, because it sounds as though her mother would be likely to continue accusing her of stuff whenever she visited the house.

But yes, your DH needs to make it clear that he is absolutely on his sister's side. I recognise that six hours is a long way away, but he cannot allow himself to be golden boy and his sister the villain, when this has gone on for a year.

The nearby sibling not only has all the pressure of caring, but also is vulnerable to this kind of accusation. Meanwhile, your husband (like me) had the benefit of being out of range of both the responsibility and the vulnerability, and is sitting pretty. I felt that the very least I could do was 100% support my brother and make it clear that I wasn't having mum making these accusations.

So forget the card and present. They're a minor issue. He needs to get up there again or get on the phone and spell it out to his mother. He and his sister need to be united.

ComfortFoodCafe · 05/12/2025 17:12

Id just send a christmas card and nothing else.

saraclara · 05/12/2025 17:13

I know this isn't really your business IP but I would be trying to pour oil on troubled waters by kindly reinforcing that this is unlikely with your MIL

No, sorry. Fuck the "kindly". He's tried that. After a year of allowing his sister to be treated so poorly, he needs to act firmly.

Millytante · 05/12/2025 17:19

sprigatito · 05/12/2025 16:48

Is she definitely mentally well and all there? I’ll probably get eye-rolled for mentioning dementia, but I live with an Alzheimer’s sufferer so I’m aware of how weird the presentation can be in the early stages.

If that’s definitely not a possibility, then I think you should support your SIL who has done nothing wrong. Does your DH not feel compelled to say something to her?

Seconded, this sounds like dementia, or its foothills. That'd be a pretty typical outburst, voicing mistrust of those around her.
DH needs to get stuck in, and make sure his mother is managing.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 05/12/2025 17:23

I feel your pain op. I ended up giving my mum 16p, yes you read that correctly, because she worked out the difference in what I owed her, and kept asking me for it. This was after I had spent weeks driving to the hospital and paying to park every single day. The wear and tear on my car plus the cost of petrol and parking I sucked up. Plus the items I brought to hospital for her.
She then tells me to have all her money!
I don’t know what the answer is other than to check in regularly with SIL and make sure she is ok. Plus obviously close down mil whenever she tries to bad mouth your SIL.

chunkyBoo · 05/12/2025 17:27

That’s awful! I take it that the sister isn’t likely to have stolen anything? I assume not as you’d have said. Is it loads of money? Do you think MIL has the start of dementia ? I think your DH has to take the lead and reason with his mum that of course her daughter didn’t steal money and to give over

Swipe left for the next trending thread