Page 2 | To not send present to MIL anymore?

SoftandQuiet · 2025-12-05T16:38:14+00:00

MIL has fallen out with DH's DSis big time. Last year she broke her hip so DSis dropped work in the middle of day and rushed up to be with her. Sorted out care for her pets, brought her things in hospital. Together we tidied the house a bit, assuming she'd need walking frame, commode etc. MIL told her daughter to use what she needed from the cash under the bed(I know!), which she did, and kept a list and recipts. All good. Until MIL got home and said there had been more cash than DSis says there was. Ever since she's called her DD a thief and won't let her in the house or even speak on the phone. She sent her no card on her birthday for the first time ever. DH and I went up and tried to get to the bottom of it but she's irrational. DSis is beside herself. She has no reason to take any money (got plenty of her own) and has always been so helpful to her mum. A whole year has gone by and everytime DSis rings her mum, she hangs up as soon a she hears her voice. We usually send a card and present (she lives 6 hours drive away) but it feels so false to do it this year.

Monty34 · 05/12/2025 17:29

I am afraid it is a recognised sign of dementia. Distrust and accusations.

That, or your SIL did take more than she should have and MIL whilst old, is not wrong.
Or somewhere in between. MIL forgot how much was actually there, has not properly totted up how much has been spent etc.

But don't dismiss MIL as being completely demented. Although it is a sign. So be mindful of that.

If I had been SIL I would have wanted someone with me to check the money/ count it out etc. Precisely to avoid this sort of stuff.

Fionasapples · 05/12/2025 17:32

Contrarymary30 · 05/12/2025 16:49

Could MIL be starting with dementia.

I was thinking this too. A neighbour started accusing her nephew of stealing her prescription medicines and that was the beginning of her dementia.

whymadam · 05/12/2025 17:34

sprigatito · 05/12/2025 16:48

Is she definitely mentally well and all there? I’ll probably get eye-rolled for mentioning dementia, but I live with an Alzheimer’s sufferer so I’m aware of how weird the presentation can be in the early stages.

If that’s definitely not a possibility, then I think you should support your SIL who has done nothing wrong. Does your DH not feel compelled to say something to her?

I'm with you on the dementia thing FWIW. I have experience of this.

IsEveryUserNameBloodyTaken · 05/12/2025 17:35

saraclara · 05/12/2025 16:55

@SoftandQuiet , my mum has twice accused my (completely innocent) brother of theft. Not to him, but to me. Fortunately he's still oblivious. But both times I absolutely let loose on my mother. I was absolutely furious (one of the items she claimed that he'd stolen, she'd actually given to me a few years before).

The second accusation was even worse. She was burgled and her house ransacked while she slept, a decade before she randomly told me that she reckoned that he'd done it. At that point I told her that I'd have nothing more to do with her if she continued to make such terrible accusations. She cried, and then I contacted her only close friend to let him know what had happened. He was really supportive of me and said that he'd address it with her. I went minimal contract with her after that.

I think that you and your DH should be stepping up for your SIL, rather than trying to keep out of it, frankly.

Absolutely this.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/12/2025 17:35

I guess she must be fairly old if she broke her hip.

Um, depends how she did it. My friend broke her hip falling off her horse, at forty five....

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 05/12/2025 17:38

Similar thing happened with my late DM, accusing a NDN.
Early sign of dementia, although we had no idea at the time.

It was confirmed when she then accused the "thief" of stealing her dustbin lid, and also seducing my 82 year-old DF !

Dmsatdawn · 05/12/2025 18:09

My dad’s like this. He’s an independent 95 yr old but is forgetful. He accused me of stealing a tin of peaches and a grandchild of nicking a chess set…. both fallacious. He will dwell on his beliefs and lose sleep. I do my best to calm him by reassuring him he is mistaken and it’s ok to be forgetful. Said peaches and chess set were where (he forgot) he left them.

Original poster

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 20:55

XelaM · 05/12/2025 16:42

If SIL has plenty of money, can she not just give her mum whatever she says she owes her? Would this put an end to the saga?

Lol, thanks everyone for your helpful comments. I agree XelaM's idea is ridiculous.
The funny thing is DSil has helped out her mum with paying bills loads over the years (we weren't able to help at the time) so it makes it twice as hurtful.
I couldn't see any signs of dementia the times we've visited this year. But will keep it in mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 21:06

Egglio · 05/12/2025 16:57

@SoftandQuiet I think the biggest question before it is put down to cognitive decline is whether this is completely unlike your MIL. Or if she has always been like this in one way or another.

Well she's definitely stubborn and does things her way. But this is something else. Shes really cut off her nose to spite her face.

OP posts:

saraclara · 05/12/2025 21:10

How absolutely devastating for SIL. She's paid her mum's bills, she lives nearby, she's cared for her and managed areas of her life for her. But she's been accused of theft and completely rejected by her own mother for a while year.

It's your DH going to step up for her? Has he been any emotional support for her?

I'm the sibling in your DH's place (geographically advantage and not having to manage my mum's day to day needs) in a similar scenario, and I can't imagine not having fought my brother's corner.

Original poster

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 21:18

Actually DSil lives about 4 hours from her (MIL moved away when her children were early 20s, another story) but DH has been very supportive to her. We tried to get good words in for her when we visited MIL but she shut us down every time. It feels so disloyal to DSis as we know she's innocent.w
We're trying to keep the lines of communication open because she really has isolated herself.

OP posts:

saraclara · 05/12/2025 21:43

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 21:18

Actually DSil lives about 4 hours from her (MIL moved away when her children were early 20s, another story) but DH has been very supportive to her. We tried to get good words in for her when we visited MIL but she shut us down every time. It feels so disloyal to DSis as we know she's innocent.w
We're trying to keep the lines of communication open because she really has isolated herself.

So she made an eight hour return journey to do those things for her mum?

But seriously, it seems that you and your DH are being pretty weak here. "Trying to get good words in for her.." is pretty pathetic. Why aren't you losing your temper with your MIL and making it clear that her behaviour is unacceptable to you?

My mum was always difficult. I grew up scared of her right into my fifties. But when she did to my brother pretty much what your mum did to your SIL, I found the courage to totally lose it with her.

That is what your DH needs to be doing, frankly. Anything else is half-hearted. What you've done so far has had no effect whatsoever, and in the meantime, your sister is being destroyed by this false accusation and the complete withdrawal of love from her mother. Why isn't your DH incandescent with anger and properly sticking up for his sister?

Meanwhile you think that whether or not you send a card or a gift at Christmas is the issue.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 05/12/2025 21:45

I don’t see what the fight between the two has to do with you sending a card or present

Original poster

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 21:54

Sending a card/ present would suggest we think the way she has been treating her DD is acceptable. She appeared to be completely unmoved by DHs anger last time we were there and just kept repeating "you're on her side!"
BUT I do feel we need to try not to totally alienate her, it's not like we can just pop round to check she's ok. If she started hanging up on us too she's an aging lady completely on her own.

OP posts:

saraclara · 05/12/2025 22:35

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 21:54

Sending a card/ present would suggest we think the way she has been treating her DD is acceptable. She appeared to be completely unmoved by DHs anger last time we were there and just kept repeating "you're on her side!"
BUT I do feel we need to try not to totally alienate her, it's not like we can just pop round to check she's ok. If she started hanging up on us too she's an aging lady completely on her own.

She's not going to cut you off. She needs you now that she's cut her daughter off.

...and just kept repeating "you're on her side"

I hope he kept repeating "yes, I am. She didn't steal from you. She travelled long distances to help you and you need to apologise" (or words to that effect).

thepariscrimefiles · 07/12/2025 09:36

SoftandQuiet · 05/12/2025 21:54

Sending a card/ present would suggest we think the way she has been treating her DD is acceptable. She appeared to be completely unmoved by DHs anger last time we were there and just kept repeating "you're on her side!"
BUT I do feel we need to try not to totally alienate her, it's not like we can just pop round to check she's ok. If she started hanging up on us too she's an aging lady completely on her own.

Honestly, I wouldn't care about totally alienating her. It could happen anyway if she turns on you like she has turned on her own very helpful daughter.

You need to stop enabling her poor treatment of her DD and tell her that if she doesn't stop, you won't be making up for the loss of your SIL's help and support.