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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce over this?

55 replies

Changedmyname2222 · 04/12/2025 20:23

I have just caught DH (together 12 years married 6) using a messaging app to talk to sex workers.

This has happened twice before, the last time was around 4 years ago where I caught him sending pictures of his genitals to these women (he had also been paying for pictures/videos of them and subscribing to onlyfans) and as it was the second time I’d caught him we split up for a few months, he had some counselling and convinced me things had changed and I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our then 1 year old.

Fast forward to today and I’ve caught him
at it again. He’s admitted it’s been going on for 2 years (since DC2 was born). He hasn’t been paying them this time (probably because we have a joint account now) but has been watching their stories and sending them messages and pictures.

Other than this he is generally a kind and decent man, pulls his weight around the house, good with the kids etc although can be a bit incapable at times (I carry most of the mental load). There were some issues with other lies around debts and a couple of other things in the early days but I’m confident those things have resolved now.

I have told him I want a divorce but the thought of sharing the kids 50/50 and them having to move back and forth is killing me and I can’t help but wonder if I should be gritting my teeth and sticking it out for their sake seeing as there is no abuse/violence etc going on. I feel so selfish for leaving but also hate the thought of putting up with this for another 2 decades!

Has anyone been in a similar boat? What did you do?!

OP posts:
Amba1998 · 04/12/2025 20:25

Never stay for the kids

you get one life and I can’t imagine the weight on your kids shoulders when they find out one day that you were miserable for 2 decades for them

plus they’ll be able to tell. A unhappy home is that. You can’t fake it.

live your life.

TowerRavenSeven · 04/12/2025 20:26

It IS abusive and he’s Not decent! What would you say to your daughter if this happened to her? Get rid of.

Franklyannoyed · 04/12/2025 20:28

is it really staying fir the kids or is it staying as you’re scared to go it alone.

i mean how can you even look at him sending these women dick pics.

Hankunamatata · 04/12/2025 20:28

The 3rd time!!!!! And lies about debt etc. Come on op

RonaldMcDonaldTrump · 04/12/2025 20:28

You know the answer to this. Your kids will be fine and you will get into a routine with a new normal.

Forgiving him again will breed resentment ; how can you bear to be in the same room/bed with him again knowing he keeps doing this? Your kids will pick up on that more than you think so by not doing it now, you are delaying the inevitable.

Youdontseehow · 04/12/2025 20:29

No, YANBU to divorce him for being a sleazy, cheating, lying scumbag. It’s just a pity you continued to procreate with him.

I wouldn’t worry about 50-50 either with a scumbag like him. You’ll be on here next year complaining that he never has time for DC, is always trying to change the days he has them, had a new girlfriend that he wants to introduce them to yadda yadda.

Honestly I think the MN relationship threads should be GSCE material for teen girls!

AccidentallyWesAnderson · 04/12/2025 20:29

It’s so abusive. He’s not a kind and decent man. Leave and set a good example for your children.

balanceandfall · 04/12/2025 20:32

I couldn’t look at him again, you split over this and he still carried on so you basically said them or me and he picked them.

Original poster
Changedmyname2222 · 04/12/2025 20:35

Thank you for your replies, seeing it typed out like that makes it so obvious! But it’s difficult to see it sometimes when you’re in the middle of it and I guess part of me is just in denial… i know what I need to do, just need to grow some balls and get it done I guess 🙈

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 04/12/2025 20:35

He’s not a kind and decent men - he’s a repulsive sleazy creep who is repeatedly betraying you for a quick thrill.
You've forgiven him twice so he thinks there’s absolutely no consequences and that he’ll get away with it time and time again.

Think of the example you want to set your DC.

InterestedDad37 · 04/12/2025 20:38

You can do better than stick with someone repeatedly lying to you and sending pictures of his penis to complete strangers.
Allow yourself happiness on your own terms, and the knowledge that you're doing the right thing for yourself and your children
👍

CatamaranViper · 04/12/2025 20:49

He's never going to stop OP. Even the breakup the last time wasn't enough to convince him to stop. PP is right, it's not fair on the kids for you to stay miserable for them. Leave and let them have two happy homes with two happy parents

Wellstonethecrows · 04/12/2025 20:53

he is generally a kind and decent man,

Kind and decent men don't lie, don' t wrack up debts and don't spend their time using sex workers. Decent men respect their DW and don't cheat on her.

I'm so sorry OP but if you stay with this man you will never be able to trust him and you won't be happy.

pilates · 04/12/2025 20:54

^

This

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango123 · 04/12/2025 21:02

He is grotesque, can you imagine being on the other end of his dick pics - those poor women. Please don't say he is a good kind man, he really isn't. Hopefully you have options to be able to leave him. He would make my skin crawl!

Eenameenadeeka · 04/12/2025 21:18

I'm sorry, I would have left the first time. I don't think staying is better for the children in things like this.

teaandtoastwouldbenice · 04/12/2025 21:20

Yuck he is a revolting human being and a poor excuse for a husband.

Potteryclass1 · 04/12/2025 21:24

Lots of red flags pointing to severe undiagnosed ADHD which has got to a very very dysfunctional level.
debt
sex adduction
lying

get out now. Push for more than 50%

ManchesterGirl2 · 04/12/2025 21:24

You've already given him a second and third chance.

It's sad for the kids, but that's his fault, not yours. I think it's better to build a happy life for yourself, separated, than commit to at least 16 more years with a man you can't trust. Your kids will see you thriving, and potentially having a healthy loving relationship further down the line.

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 04/12/2025 21:27

Why 50?

Ask for full custody and let him dickpic away. Your sex life and marriage does not exist any more - not to him.

ItsmeMargo · 04/12/2025 21:28

My sister divorced over her DH’s affair. her son is one of the most wonderful, well rounded, confident people I know. He was 4 when his parents split up. I firmly believe that he would have suffered more had they stayed together, What with the distrust, recriminations etc.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 04/12/2025 21:28

He isn't a good df.. He's risked his dc's stable home life to flash his dick at strangers.
Take him for every penny and get sti tested.

AutumnAllTheWay · 04/12/2025 21:31

I'd stick about for a couple of years longer of you can tolerate it.

I couldn't bear time be parted from my kids at such a young age for half the time, nor would I want to put them through that when they aren't old enough to fully understand.

Also, I'm a mercenary note, preschoolers are very hard work and I wouldn't want to lose the support for a bit, as youve said he pulls his weight.

MrsPrendergast · 04/12/2025 21:49

Why would you share the kids 50/50? Surely exDH will pay maintenance and have the children every 3rd weekend, or something like that?

littlejo67 · 04/12/2025 21:49

He is not having an affair. I don't think I would worry that much about it to be honest! It's just a form of porn.