Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce over this?

55 replies

Changedmyname2222 · 04/12/2025 20:23

I have just caught DH (together 12 years married 6) using a messaging app to talk to sex workers.

This has happened twice before, the last time was around 4 years ago where I caught him sending pictures of his genitals to these women (he had also been paying for pictures/videos of them and subscribing to onlyfans) and as it was the second time I’d caught him we split up for a few months, he had some counselling and convinced me things had changed and I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our then 1 year old.

Fast forward to today and I’ve caught him
at it again. He’s admitted it’s been going on for 2 years (since DC2 was born). He hasn’t been paying them this time (probably because we have a joint account now) but has been watching their stories and sending them messages and pictures.

Other than this he is generally a kind and decent man, pulls his weight around the house, good with the kids etc although can be a bit incapable at times (I carry most of the mental load). There were some issues with other lies around debts and a couple of other things in the early days but I’m confident those things have resolved now.

I have told him I want a divorce but the thought of sharing the kids 50/50 and them having to move back and forth is killing me and I can’t help but wonder if I should be gritting my teeth and sticking it out for their sake seeing as there is no abuse/violence etc going on. I feel so selfish for leaving but also hate the thought of putting up with this for another 2 decades!

Has anyone been in a similar boat? What did you do?!

OP posts:
MarymaryquiteC · 04/12/2025 21:51

Changedmyname2222 · 04/12/2025 20:23

I have just caught DH (together 12 years married 6) using a messaging app to talk to sex workers.

This has happened twice before, the last time was around 4 years ago where I caught him sending pictures of his genitals to these women (he had also been paying for pictures/videos of them and subscribing to onlyfans) and as it was the second time I’d caught him we split up for a few months, he had some counselling and convinced me things had changed and I decided to give him another chance for the sake of our then 1 year old.

Fast forward to today and I’ve caught him
at it again. He’s admitted it’s been going on for 2 years (since DC2 was born). He hasn’t been paying them this time (probably because we have a joint account now) but has been watching their stories and sending them messages and pictures.

Other than this he is generally a kind and decent man, pulls his weight around the house, good with the kids etc although can be a bit incapable at times (I carry most of the mental load). There were some issues with other lies around debts and a couple of other things in the early days but I’m confident those things have resolved now.

I have told him I want a divorce but the thought of sharing the kids 50/50 and them having to move back and forth is killing me and I can’t help but wonder if I should be gritting my teeth and sticking it out for their sake seeing as there is no abuse/violence etc going on. I feel so selfish for leaving but also hate the thought of putting up with this for another 2 decades!

Has anyone been in a similar boat? What did you do?!

What? How are you not gone? Why would he get them 50/50?

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2025 21:53

I very much doubt that a man like this will want the kids 50/50. Don't even offer. Just tell this pig to get out.

jeaux90 · 04/12/2025 21:54

littlejo67 · 04/12/2025 21:49

He is not having an affair. I don't think I would worry that much about it to be honest! It's just a form of porn.

You have very low standards and boundaries and clearly don’t give a shit about the exploitation of women and girls in porn, sex work etc.

OP your DH is a disgrace. Not just to you but clearly he thinks women are a commodity to be consumed. I hope you don’t have a DD.

MyAmusedPearlSquid · 04/12/2025 21:58

Op i wouldnt have had him back after the first time seriously hes a sleeze get rid

littlejo67 · 04/12/2025 22:03

jeaux90 · 04/12/2025 21:54

You have very low standards and boundaries and clearly don’t give a shit about the exploitation of women and girls in porn, sex work etc.

OP your DH is a disgrace. Not just to you but clearly he thinks women are a commodity to be consumed. I hope you don’t have a DD.

Show quote history

You make lots of assumptions about me and others.
There are other opinions equally as valid.

Pollqueen · 04/12/2025 22:04

Come on OP, really?

justsurvivingnotthriving · 04/12/2025 22:07

I caught my (now ex) husband on escort websites. I couldn’t find proof he had messaged them or met up, but there’s no doubt the intention was there.

Our twins were only a few weeks old so I “forgave” him, or at least tried to.

A few months later I discovered he was on dating apps and meeting up with women. It was over.

Practically it would have been easier to stay together as the kids were so young, but there comes a point where you have to recognise your own limits and I knew where mine was, staying with him would have destroyed me more than being apart from him.

The escort sites will be the tip of the iceberg, sorry to say x

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2025 22:07

He is not decent he messages and sends to nudes to sex workers while married.

stay or don’t stay that’s up to you. But you have one life and it could be with someone who isn’t a gross lying cheat.

you could cohabitate and live separate lives?

live 5/10 minutes walk from each other.

there are lots of options but this is the second time it’s happened so clearly the first warning didn’t stick.

jeaux90 · 04/12/2025 22:09

@littlejo67 no there really isn’t another opinion on porn, sex work, prostitution etc. it all exploits women, commodifying them in the worst way. There is a lot of research and information on it. Try reading it.

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2025 22:09

littlejo67 · 04/12/2025 21:49

He is not having an affair. I don't think I would worry that much about it to be honest! It's just a form of porn.

In what world is messaging with and sending genital pictures to sex workers a from of porn.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 04/12/2025 22:11

He’s a sleazy lowlife. He probably won’t want 50/50 when he realises the level of responsibility he’ll need to take. Don’t stay with him. Your self esteem will continue to be destroyed and you deserve to live your life without this intolerable situation.

beAsensible1 · 04/12/2025 22:11

He will eventually escalate to meeting one of them.

Laura95167 · 04/12/2025 22:13

Kids are young enough to adapt if you set a good routine

DH is a liar and cheat and a sneak. This is who he is and your DC will pick up on your obvious distress that will increase to resentment and pain (reasonably so). Not violent isnt a reason to stay

Ffififofum · 04/12/2025 22:15

First off, he’s not kind or decent and you also say he’s not taking on his share of the mental load.
So he’s basically a knob.

He’s also a liar !

Whats decent about that ? As for parenting what a terrible role model to your kids that their dad is an abusive, lying misogynist ! He’s abusing the mother of his children.

You should absolutely waste no time in divorcing him. He’s had one chance and he’s blown it ( his choice)

Pollqueen · 04/12/2025 22:35

littlejo67 · 04/12/2025 21:49

He is not having an affair. I don't think I would worry that much about it to be honest! It's just a form of porn.

Oh okay, panic over.

He is consistently using escort apps and sending dick pics and you wouldn't have a problem with this? Once, maybe I could move on from but surely after the third time being caught, there's a problem? And how does anyone know that this is just digital and he's not also using escorts?

JadedVeryJaded · 04/12/2025 22:36

Just leave already. What a scummy man.

RowOfRunners · 04/12/2025 22:37

Divorce.

Lamentingalways · 04/12/2025 22:39

Changedmyname2222 · 04/12/2025 20:35

Thank you for your replies, seeing it typed out like that makes it so obvious! But it’s difficult to see it sometimes when you’re in the middle of it and I guess part of me is just in denial… i know what I need to do, just need to grow some balls and get it done I guess 🙈

My OH didn’t go as far as yours but he did follow OF’s accounts and put comments on their photos etc. I tried to move on. All I can tell you is that it is 5 years ago and I randomly remember about it and get the ick, I’ll never respect him and I’ll never truest him. Don’t subject yourself to that, I should have gotten rid.

ThatCyanCat · 04/12/2025 22:39

Other than this he is generally a kind and decent man

OP, anyone is kind and decent once you disregard the metric ton of shitty things they do. This is egregious and repetitive. And even when listing his supposed good points, you're full of caveats like how actually he doesn't pull his weight and he's lied about debt and "a couple of other things" (dare I ask?).

Disregard the shite and there's just more shite. It's an excavation of shite. Shite upon shite. Do you want 20 more years of more shite?

MissDoubleU · 04/12/2025 22:41

Ewwww leave him. Like, yesterday. This isn’t the first time he’s been a disgusting creep or broke your trust. How could you bring yourself to sleep with him again? Let alone trust him.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 04/12/2025 22:43

He’s disgusting.

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 04/12/2025 22:49

He is not a decent man. These women are someone else’s daughters. I’m sorry 😔

Rosealea · 04/12/2025 22:50

He's not a decent man, anything but!

Peclet · 04/12/2025 22:54

That’s a real kick in the cunt.

He is not a good man and in time yourll
find a new happy life free of this….deception. It’s your boundary and you have to decide. But I think it’s time to show him the door. He’s an addict. You can’t save him and he will drag you down.

AngelofIslington · 04/12/2025 22:55

The only way for this to stop affecting your life op is to leave him.
Hes done it before and got away with it so if you forgive him again he’ll feel he has carte blanche to do it again and again

Swipe left for the next trending thread