Sister has refused Christmas

[MrsChristmasHasResigned]

NC for this. My oldest sister apparently bullied the other 2 growing up and they cant stand her. Since they are much older and I did not grow up around them, I was not part of the dynamic. When I moved back to where my parents live, I ended up living very close to parents and oldest sister. Other two are overseas.

My sister will lie to your face, pleads poverty constantly to avoid contributing to things or buying problems but then will spend extravagantly on herself. She goes through friends because people get fed up with her, and was encouraged out of her job because of her behaviour. Has had to move yards a few times with her horses because she has caused such uproar with the others.

Mum always excused her but we had a few rows when I told her to stop bullying me. During mums final illness she was awful - almost completely absent so I would have my mum asking where she was and did she not understand mum was dying. Since mum died, any contact we had meant constant digs and some all out attacks. So I took a step back and decreased contact.

Last year had her for Christmas lunch because I did not want her to have nowhere to go, but kept it short and was relieved when she went home because I am on guard all the time around her.

This year she has said she does not wish to come. Now the AIBU. It will be much nicer for me, but I feel quite upset. I think it is because it just brings home how fucked up my family dynamics were. AIBU to be sad?

Stop being such a martyr for starters. YABU. No one should feel obliged to either extend or accept Xmas invitations.

sounds good to me- you can enjoy Christmas and relax this year now

Of course YANBU to be sad, she’s your sister and it would be nice if things were different.
They aren’t though, so don’t dwell on it. Enjoy Christmas without any worry or treading on eggshells

YANBU to be sad that your family isn’t as you would like it to be, there’s nothing wrong with those feelings and Christmas does tend to rub salt in the wounds. You can acknowledge that regret while still being relieved that you don’t have to wear yourself out hosting a rude attention-seeker!

I’d like to hear the other side of this story.

Your sister doesn't want to come.
You don't want your sister to come.
So this is already perfect, and everyone is happy.
You do know that "Hallmark" families don't exist in real life, don't you, OP?

You are right to be upset at not having the relationship you’d like with your sister but don’t feel guilty for not having her at Christmas. Sounds like she has made her bed .

You're not unreasonable to feel sad no, how could it be unreasonable? Your feelings are your feelings. You've lost your mum, your other siblings are abroad.

You need to be kind to yourself. Accept that what it is , is what it is and concentrate on having the best time possible.

God, I wouldn’t. She sounds like the type who’d make your ears bleed.

I think I understand, there's a sadness at not having the loving family we've wanted. Being faced with just how dysfunctional my family are brings me sadness, even though I can rationally be relieved I don't have much to do with them any more. We humans are wired to want connection with the people we grow up with, it's painful when we have to let go of that for our own sanity.

Let yourself feel whatever you feel about it, your feelings are your own. It will pass, in time, and I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

That’s how she’s been portrayed, yes. She may have a different perspective.

I think it is because it just brings home how fucked up my family dynamics were. AIBU to be sad?

Not U no. Christmas shines a light on dysfunctional families.
Mine is similar, sadly.

I don’t know about unreasonable, but you're surely being pointlessly self-pitying. You didn’t grow up with your sister and are not one bit close, and every word you have offered about her is very negative indeed.
You admit you are glad she pre-empted an invitation for Christmas by refusing.

You've no call to feel any sadder about the status quo than you would be were she coming over to yours for the day. You don’t care for her at all, and that is perhaps reciprocated.
There’s nothing lost here, since you’ve not much of a relationship anyway.
Your family is no more dysfunctional now than it was previously, so while you might mourn lost love ones, you’ve no reason to suddenly be mourning the fact that others don’t (and never did) fit your idealised image of a family.

Don’t be dwelling on stuff you cannot change and which isn't anything much to do with your life, really.
In the words of the song, “Let’s change the mood from sad to gladness”. It’s up to you!

YANBU to mourn the sister relationship you would have liked to have had.
She has chosen the life she wants to lead and what can you do but accept it. She will never be the person you want her to be.
You are certainly not the only person who has a dysfunctional family -far from it. It can seem like everyone around you has this big, close family, but scratch the surface and you'll find everyone has their issues. I grew up with these big Christmases with extended family until my parents fell out with my dad's side 10 years ago and now it's very divided and I do feel sad it's not the same. That's life though isnt it -you just have to accept what you can't change or it eats at you.
Try and look at the positive parts -no more awkwardness, you can be comfortable and let your guard down, you can let go of the pressure of trying to maintain a relationship with her. Enjoy your Christmas ❤️

YANBU but you are pining for a relationship that's not there and making yourself sad about it. You said yourself you were on edge with her last year. You want a sister relationship just not the one you have with her. I do the same...get all sad about my estranged family sometimes but when I think rationally I never enjoyed being with them and am mourning what I want to have versus the reality. Which is ridiculous. You offered, she said no, be relieved and enjoy the peace.

You have got what you want ultimately. And you are free of her.

Don't look back. Look forward.

It was her choice. The end.

I'd be doing the Snoopy Happy Dance at now having to host her. Look at it as a burden lifted.

Greetings & God bless you original commenter 🤗
I don't feel you're being unreasonable as rejection of any kind, in my humblest opinion, is upsetting & especially rejection from our family members 😢I wish I knew some comforting guidance to give you 🫂
Remember to be extra kind loving & nurturing to yourself especially at this time - It seems like your sister has some undealt demons to deal with
I'm praying she deals with them soon & you can rekindle your relationship
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best Sincere Soul 💚🤗💚

You got the outcome you wanted by still aren't happy.

Why?

• you like to be the one in control?
• you think she should have no issue with you as she's the "problem"
• you thought she liked you even though you can't stand her?

Hallmark and Hollywood have a lot to answer for. Be happy you'll have a nicer Christmas.

And also, maybe consider this post.

Families are not obligated to spend Christmas together.

Thank you @sprigatito - my sister has always been difficult and this is a lifelong pattern. Was hoping that later life would mellow things a bit but it seems not. At least I can say I tried.

Demons? Good grief.

My sister enjoys not speaking to me. And there will be not so much as a text at Christmas. All fine with me. I’ve had enough of it all