Sister has refused Christmas

[MrsChristmasHasResigned]

NC for this. My oldest sister apparently bullied the other 2 growing up and they cant stand her. Since they are much older and I did not grow up around them, I was not part of the dynamic. When I moved back to where my parents live, I ended up living very close to parents and oldest sister. Other two are overseas.

My sister will lie to your face, pleads poverty constantly to avoid contributing to things or buying problems but then will spend extravagantly on herself. She goes through friends because people get fed up with her, and was encouraged out of her job because of her behaviour. Has had to move yards a few times with her horses because she has caused such uproar with the others.

Mum always excused her but we had a few rows when I told her to stop bullying me. During mums final illness she was awful - almost completely absent so I would have my mum asking where she was and did she not understand mum was dying. Since mum died, any contact we had meant constant digs and some all out attacks. So I took a step back and decreased contact.

Last year had her for Christmas lunch because I did not want her to have nowhere to go, but kept it short and was relieved when she went home because I am on guard all the time around her.

This year she has said she does not wish to come. Now the AIBU. It will be much nicer for me, but I feel quite upset. I think it is because it just brings home how fucked up my family dynamics were. AIBU to be sad?

I voted YABU because you get the best outcome (she’s not coming) without the guilt of having made sure that happened. However it’s a tricky time of year and you’re entitled to feel sad that you don’t have the extended family you might want. Many don’t though. Hope you have a peaceful Christmas.

Because its hard and painful to come from dysfunction, even if it is healthier for to limit contact. Because this time of year highlights that.

I am happy not to be in control, I know I am not perfect and I am not everybodies cup of tea - and there is no reason that biology should mean you get on well together. But my other siblings refuse to have anything to do with her and tell me she was a bully to them growing up. When I say I did not grow up with them - I am much younger, so they had left home and gone off to travel so were not in the house day to day

@StarFlower242 - there is always one, isn't there? Do you just hang out looking to make nasty comments on threads? Or be contrarian?

I have no doubt that she would have a different take on things than I do. However, I am not the one who has been fired for being difficult, has 3 failed marriages, been driven out of places because of bad behaviour and has a child that refuses to speak to me. I could go on, but its not really relevant because this thread was for me to reflect on my feelings.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive, I will have a lovely Christmas with the people I have around me. But I can still be sad for my sister, and the lack of a relationship with her.

Yes I can see where that would be a relief.

@MrsChristmasHasResigned
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be sad
But , now it’s time to move on and enjoy Christmas without her

Just enjoy your own Christmas your way.

Families do not need to spend time together and sometimes it is happier when they do not. Just enjoy your time and do not feel bad.

I’m sorry OP, as we age, we sometimes realise things that were not obvious when we were younger.
In therapy, I was given this sentence to use as a mantra, it has served me well and I hope it might help you.

This is what I came from. It shaped me, but it does not define who I am now.

You need to face or acknowledge that your family was dysfunctional, different people were wounded in different ways and everyone developed their own coping mechanisms

Acceptance of the past is not resignation.

It’s simply the point where you stop trying to rewrite the past or fix the unfixable.

OP I suspect that you need to grieve this and I get it. There's a lot of emphasis on family at the best of times and it's ramped up a lot at Christmas. Sometimes your family isn't what you want or need it it to be but relationships are two way, you can't change another person.

I'm a big believer in trying to focus the best of you and the most of your energy on those that treat you well regardless of whether they are related to you or not.

It sounds pretty bogus of you to be so poignantly regretful though, when you take every opportunity to list all the ways in which your sister has failed in her life by virtue of her difficult personality.
This isn’t useful or kind (and it will just make you increasingly bitter, though it seems paradoxical that it should.)

I extended a hand, she refused it and it made me sad. And I posted to help me process what just happened. Its complicated. Or are you claiming I dont feel the way I feel?

My sister is tricky. I hoped we could establish a good relationship. Today I acknowledge it failed, I cant influence it and its sad. I wont have a sister I can admire and have a good relationship with. I am not bitter, it wont change much in my life tbh, but I am allowed to say its sad in the moment.

Not sure what seems bogus about that to you.

Yes, it's just a metaphor! When someone says a person has "demons to deal with," it generally means they might be struggling with some level of deep-seated internal issues, such as emotional distress, past trauma, guilt, or negative tendencies. It's a metaphor for fighting a difficult, ongoing battle that can involve a person's own fears, insecurities, or a prolonged period of emotional pain-It's not exactly an uncommon metaphor!

Of caused ynbu.
not having a good relationship with your sister sad
I hope you have many good friends.

I'm in the same boat OP. Mum died a few years ago and she was the glue that held the family together.

With her gone, the reality of our dysfunctional and fraying sibling relationships is only too clear, especially at Christmas.

It gets easier with each passing year but I felt acutely sad for a long while. Counselling has really helped me put everything in perspective this year. I was mourning a sisterly bond that with two of my siblings never really existed.

Spend Christmas with the people that do appreciate and love you OP.

OP, you said you will have a better time without her. She came last year; she’s not coming this year - that’s not exactly wild behaviour! This year I’m going to my DS’s for Christmas - last year I had all my children and their families at mine. I don’t consider my family dysfunctional because they have made alternative arrangements for Christmas - it happens. It seems to me that you want your sister to be something she isn’t - you say, “I wont have a sister I can admire and have a good relationship with. I am not bitter, it wont change much in my life tbh, but I am allowed to say it’s sad in the moment.” Whether or not you have a good relationship with your sister doesn’t depend on whether or not she comes for Christmas. Invite her some other time, when there’s less pressure.

Oh look. The sister is on this thread.

@MrsChristmasHasResigned you are mourning the relationship that you wish you had with your sister. Please stop feeling guilty and enjoy a peaceful Christmas knowing that you won't have to spend it treading on eggshells this year.

She came last year, you were both miserable about it. She’s been brave enough to say no thanks. It’s a good thing all round. Enjoy the family you’ve created.

This. Enjoy, guilt-free

Mumsnet isn't for you then as we only ever hear one side of the story. You might as well just tell OP that you don't believe her. Or, radical idea, just don't bother posting on threads where you only hear one side of the story as you obviously find that annoying.