I’m not coping

[NurtureGrow]

Hello all,

I’m doing AIBU for traffic, but really I’m just reaching out.

As the title says, I’m not coping very well. We have a baby a little over a year. My husband is starting a business. I was made redundant around when I was meant to be returning to work. No family nearby. I’m not close to my parents-in-law (we can’t really speak) as we don’t speak the same language. I feel under pressure to learn it, but am not managing. I want to learn it.

My mum doesn’t really visit and I’ve now got to the point where I don’t think I can even say I’m not coping well to her. When I previously asked for help (I mean when the baby was very young, just to spend time with us for 1 day,) she said ‘I never had any help.’ I can’t video call her or send photos by email or phone as she won’t use a mobile like this or email. She’s not old. I don’t have a dad or siblings. We visit my mum as often as possible. It’s not close, but it is very doable. It doesn’t really elevate me though, as in the day she wants to sit with the curtains closed etc. it can be a bit of a heavy environment. She will go out, but she doesn’t really enjoy things much. I have suggested she talk to someone and been very supportive, I’ve done all I can over the years and continue to try.

I make a big effort to meet people, but I just haven’t been able to make a group recently (old friends in different areas.) There isn’t consistency.

I don’t know who I reach out to anymore, I feel I’m bothering people. My husband is busy with work, so I feel defeated by all the things to do.

I just find I’m not coping. I don’t know who can help. I’ve tried therapy (still seeing one occasionally.) I’ve tried mum support groups. Making local friends. Seeing old friends. Recently someone suggested I go to church, I’ve tried that. I’ve done other spiritual things.

The bottom line is my husband and I are very much alone with our baby, no family are coming. No one is coming to be here with us. Even I met someone recently who said ‘you can always video call’ but I can’t even do that. It feels desolate. Kind of endless silence. I’ve struggled all through my life with this, but have come to terms with it, managing alone, but with a baby it’s different. I’ve felt particularly bad for the last week and do wonder if it’s done hormonal thing. It’s always there, but this is worse.

Ive thought of trying to find someone/ people who want to be like family to us, but maybe that would be weird. I’m thinking day trips together, cups of tea, celebrations.

Im not going to do the AIBU thing as not sure what to list.

If anyone can help, please let me know.

Thanks so much

Hi, I didn’t want just read and run. This sounds really hard and having baby can be so isolating... especially with no wider family support.

I would encourage you to reach out to your baby’s health visitor to share how you are feeling. They may have some good ideas for things happening in your local community, and may also suggest speaking to your GP about your low mood?

take care @NurtureGrow xx

@cannyvalley thank you. I could do that. I’m a bit worried to go on their radar too much though. I mean I like my health visitor, she’s very nice, but if it’s on my NHS record, maybe that wouldn’t be good? I don’t want them to think I can’t look after our baby..

I keep trying to tell my husband, he doesn’t really understand. We are going to see a therapist together. But it’s not for another week and again we can’t really afford this, so may be a one off x

@cannyvalley also, I took antidepressants long ago. I don’t think I particularly need them… it’s the environment I think. All people need people? But I just can’t seem to change it.

I’ve tried so many things. I could probably direct people to many support things in our neighbourhood. But in the end, we still don’t have family. I still can’t rely on the consistency of grandparents or siblings to offer some kindness and support

That sounds so tough and isolating, they say it takes a village to raise a child and many people don't have that village or anyone at all. I would keep telling your husband how you are feeling and make sure you get a break when he is home. Keep getting out there trying to meet people and hopefully you will get there in time x

Sorry that does sound hard. It sounds like your mum needs support and is not a support for you. I would keep trying with the baby groups, maybe after a while see if someone wants to meet for a coffee in a park or soft play or play date, depending on what you’re comfortable with/what is around you. Would trying to find a job help? Even if it’s a few hours on a weekend and voluntary if nothing else, just because sometimes it’s easier to relate to people when you’re working alongside them. Or some activity for you, exercise class, craft class, film club or book club? Hope you find a way of feeling more connected to people.

Thank you, I have met people and I do meet them, but I still feel isolated. I also need to work, so must find something soon

Oh dear, I'm sorry you are feeling like that. It must be really hard with no family to help.

Just to say though I'd bet about 99% of all new mums have at some stage felt like they are not coping. I remember feeling completely overwhelmed and like I was getting everything wrong, and when I went for some standard check up with the health visitor, she said what a wonderful job I was doing and how great my babies were, I burst in to tears, and explained I felt like I was doing anything right (I just teared up writing this now remembering it!) she was so wonderful, it was like a massive weight off my shoulders. And of course she said all mothers feel like that at some stage or at many stages, it's completely and utterly normal.

I strongly suggest talking to your health visitor if you have a nice one, they can be a god send!

My parents, although, wonderful and would come and help me at a drop of a hat if I asked were also a long way away so they weren't there for day to day support like I was jealous of other mums having. I also had a husband setting up a new business! I once said to him I can't cope with you working 6 days and he turned to me and said, "well I haven't actually worked 6 days because I was home Wednesday afternoon and didn't go in to midday on Friday". 🙄he was exhausted and very stressed too, but I'll still never forget that comment!

I'm just writing all this for solidarity really. I do strongly recommend leaning on your health visitor, going to all the baby and toddler groups and try opening up to the other mums there, or I had some lovely ladies in their 60's and 70's who ran one of our toddler groups, they were full of a lifetime of advice and experience. Just try little gentle, or jokey mentions of how you are feeling to other mums, like 'I dropped a teaspoon the other day and burst into tears, I'm so exhausted' it's extremely like that most of the other mums at that group are equally exhausted, feeling like they are not coping, and very emotional. Although I never became great friends with any of them, I really cherished those couple of hours a week with them realising I was normal.

Gosh, that was a long reply! Sorry. Lots of love to you.

Also, lots of other parents are likely to be in a similar situation with little family support. So I’d try to get over your understandable sadness about that because it is what it is.

There will be other people who don’t have family support perhaps because their parents are deceased or live far away or are elderly or in ill health. Just keep being friendly and interested in other people and I hope you will find them.

I would try to get out every day and just be chatty in shops wherever because sometimes any kind of. human interaction can help. Maybe try a few things consistently if you have been trying lots of different things but maybe not really giving it time to build connections.

If your husband can’t afford to fund a therapy session then he needs to get a job. You need to return to work.

In the meantime - stop visiting your mother. She sounds utterly miserable.
Are there any mother’s groups you could join?

@Darknightsandsparklylights @Muffinmam I’ve joined lots of mum’s groups. I’ve met women 10 minutes walk away, probably people never make this much effort. But what I’m saying is, I haven’t been able to change it. There are other things I haven’t listed that I’ve tried. I just can’t seem to get away from the isolation. @Darknightsandsparklylights were you ever in this position, did you find a way to permanently get over it and stop suffering?

I will be returning to work as soon as I find a role. I’m not holding back on that.

Goodness @NurtureGrow , I remember feeling very like you a long long time ago when I had little ones. It can really get you down so I have enormous sympathy, as will an awful lot of mums reading your posts. You can get through it and you will find like minded people. Did you find any of the mum groups friendly? Any mums there you felt you clicked with? Be kind to yourself and don’t expect overnight results. If there is a mum that you’ve met that you feel was kind, nurture the connection and see if she’d like to go for a coffee in a play area. Small steps.

Just know, there are a lot of us here that understand and can empathise with your situation.

KarriTreeSullivan

I'm just writing all this for solidarity really. I do strongly recommend leaning on your health visitor, going to all the baby and toddler groups and try opening up to the other mums there, or I had some lovely ladies in their 60's and 70's who ran one of our toddler groups, they were full of a lifetime of advice and experience. Just try little gentle, or jokey mentions of how you are feeling to other mums, like 'I dropped a teaspoon the other day and burst into tears, I'm so exhausted' it's extremely like that most of the other mums at that group are equally exhausted, feeling like they are not coping, and very emotional. Although I never became great friends with any of them, I really cherished those couple of hours a week with them realising I was normal.

This is good advice. You have nothing to lose by showing your vulnerability a little. You may find a lovely connection with another mum or as @KarriTreeSullivan says, as least you won’t feel so alone and as if you aren’t coping (you are!) x

Thank you @Absolutelydonewithit thank you so much. I went to a mums group this morning. People comment how much I connect with people. I still feel like this. I guess I meet and connect with lots of people.

@Linenpickle I cannot believe how heartless you are. I ‘get on with it’ I don’t expect family help. I’m saying I can’t connect with family emotionally, I can’t talk to them. I can’t send photos or videos. (My mum won’t allow any means) I FEEL ENDLESSLY ISOLATED. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. I was just cleaning the floor with tears in my eyes. Attitudes like this are what is wrong with society. FFS 😭 dear god

Thank you @KarriTreeSullivan and @Absolutelydonewithit these are good ideas.

I really do like my health visitor, I just didn’t want to raise red flags against my name (that I’m struggling.)

It is horrible to be alone with a child. I am so sorry you are going through this.

It takes time to make friends.
If your baby is just over a year old, does this mean you have only had a year to be making real friends? Don't expect it to happen so soon.
Keep on going to places where other people gather: toddler groups, library groups for children, anything you can find.
Don't just limit it to child-orientated stuff, get DH to mind baby and go out to whatever club or group you can find in the evening.

It is not easy when you are already feeling bad - you have to put on a smile and try to be friendly and approachable. Be helpful, be a good listener, and keep smiling.

Have you considered going to your GP in case this is post-natal depression?

I am a little bit a loner, almost a nerd, so I didn't feel that lonely, when I've had babies in a foreign country, but I understand how hard it can be. I've actually made very good friends with other mums in our community only when my baby started walking and could use a swing in a nearby playground. It was a very tightly-knit community and it was really lovely. These friendships stayed for many years throughout the school until we moved out. Big hugs and stay strong, things will get better.

Dear OP, I remember this so well and I didn't have the added kick of a redundancy to contend with. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low.
It must also be really hard to feel like you need to continue to encourage your mum at a time when she should really be encouraging you. For what it's worth, she isn't your responsibility in that sense anymore, and she never really was. You don't have to keep trying to make her life lighter and brighter at the expense of your own days.
Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy that might allow you to meet people gently without the pressure of thinking that these could be "your people" that can come with support groups.
I found that a gym gave me enough light, adult, social interaction as I gradually became a regular and got to say hello and how are you etc. and if I had been more minded to, there were little groups who went out for coffee after certain classes etc.
Also, as little one gets older and you can communicate with them more, that is a new kind of joy that is on its way to you.
I'm sure you're not bothering any of your old friends and that they enjoy hearing from you, but they have busy lives too, so try not to equate a possible lack of exuberance with a lack of interest. Keep going, OP. Things will get better. Sending love and luck xx

@NurtureGrow I am so sad to read this. I was in a very similar situation with my first. It has passed, and three kids in I am so much happier. Still no family support, still sometimes active cruelty from some of my family, and having just moved to a new city I'm having to re-build a network. BUT - nothing has ever been as hard as that first year or two. It does pass.

I'll reply more later (stuff to do, shouldn't be scrolling here at all) - but please don't even respond to the 'get on with it' type comments. I've had plenty of those as well, and they were so damaging when I was so vulnerable and asking for kindness.

Everything will be ok.

Such an unhelpful reply , are you actually a parent yourself ?

op I would suggest trying to get back to work after my first I found it so good for my mental health it was like a break (and I was working 13 hour shifts on my feet all day). The joy of having a coffee break at work to yourself and speaking with adults again would do wonders.

In answer to your question OP I experienced elements of what you describe, almost no family support due to distance, age of parents and them being very different people/no emotional support/useful advice. (DH learnt quite young that the opposite of the advice his parents gave was probably the sensible thing to do.). I think we had three or four evenings of babysitting when DC were asleep from my mother, and two occasions of one hour or so when DC1 was awake and a toddler (now uni age).

But I made friends gradually at baby and toddler groups, saw same people at school gates, sports and kids clubs, joinedbook clubs with other mums, played sport with them, took kids on day trips and camping together, I was fairly active with the primary school PTA, still friends with loads of them now. In fact just went for a walk this pm with a friend I met at toddler group who I’ve now known over twenty years. I would say that many of us had limited family support for one reason or another.

From what you describe I wonder if the sense of disconnection is a bit of depression, or is it that you live in an area where people have mostly grown up together and aren’t that open to new friendships? Or is it that motherhood is throwing what you don’t get from your own mother into sharp relief and you are working through that, and are finding it hard to accept that your child won’t have a warm involved grandmother?

I think there is good advice on this thread, we are all saying similar things. I hope you find your way through to a happier place.

Where do you live OP? Have you tried attending baby/ toddler classes at the local Children’s Centre?

My mum
is the same with me what was your relationship with your mum like growing up?

Please consider confiding in your health visitor, I did with mine and she was wonderful. She listened and did extra visits to check in with me.

Like pp I am also wondering if there's a bit of post natal depression here. The health visitor can do the questionnaire with you. These feelings are very common, you definitely aren't alone.

Babies grow and life gets easier, it really does. I can promise things will get better.

Keep talking to us, we're always here.