I’m not coping

[NurtureGrow]

Hello all,

I’m doing AIBU for traffic, but really I’m just reaching out.

As the title says, I’m not coping very well. We have a baby a little over a year. My husband is starting a business. I was made redundant around when I was meant to be returning to work. No family nearby. I’m not close to my parents-in-law (we can’t really speak) as we don’t speak the same language. I feel under pressure to learn it, but am not managing. I want to learn it.

My mum doesn’t really visit and I’ve now got to the point where I don’t think I can even say I’m not coping well to her. When I previously asked for help (I mean when the baby was very young, just to spend time with us for 1 day,) she said ‘I never had any help.’ I can’t video call her or send photos by email or phone as she won’t use a mobile like this or email. She’s not old. I don’t have a dad or siblings. We visit my mum as often as possible. It’s not close, but it is very doable. It doesn’t really elevate me though, as in the day she wants to sit with the curtains closed etc. it can be a bit of a heavy environment. She will go out, but she doesn’t really enjoy things much. I have suggested she talk to someone and been very supportive, I’ve done all I can over the years and continue to try.

I make a big effort to meet people, but I just haven’t been able to make a group recently (old friends in different areas.) There isn’t consistency.

I don’t know who I reach out to anymore, I feel I’m bothering people. My husband is busy with work, so I feel defeated by all the things to do.

I just find I’m not coping. I don’t know who can help. I’ve tried therapy (still seeing one occasionally.) I’ve tried mum support groups. Making local friends. Seeing old friends. Recently someone suggested I go to church, I’ve tried that. I’ve done other spiritual things.

The bottom line is my husband and I are very much alone with our baby, no family are coming. No one is coming to be here with us. Even I met someone recently who said ‘you can always video call’ but I can’t even do that. It feels desolate. Kind of endless silence. I’ve struggled all through my life with this, but have come to terms with it, managing alone, but with a baby it’s different. I’ve felt particularly bad for the last week and do wonder if it’s done hormonal thing. It’s always there, but this is worse.

Ive thought of trying to find someone/ people who want to be like family to us, but maybe that would be weird. I’m thinking day trips together, cups of tea, celebrations.

Im not going to do the AIBU thing as not sure what to list.

If anyone can help, please let me know.

Thanks so much

This is simply reality, albeit sad, for many people. I have nobody and haven’t for decades. Live really rurally so there’s nobody local either to try and make a pseudo ‘family’ with. It gets far easier as the children get older. I would suggest you put effort in to in laws and also get your husband working on their relationship with the baby etc.

Life for many of us is not anything like Hallmark or social media. But we do have blessings still!

I remember those days. They can be tough. You’re not alone. Try baby cinema. I used to love it when I needed to get out.xx

Hi OP, I have nothing extra to add to the other posts except u r not alone and I can empathise with your feelings and experience.
Step by step

I just wanted to send you a big hug also. I found a lot of elements of my first maternity leave really isolating. I found the transition to being a mum really hard psychologically even though I was coping from the outside. I felt estranged from my old friends but couldn't seem to click with the mother's I met. I live far away from family and was recovering from a traumatic birth which can't have helped.
I'm really sorry to hear that you've had redundancy to contend with too.

Echo what others have said in confiding to your health visitor, just explain that you've been low and isolated. It is their job to help.
You've probably done this already but establishing a solid routine with variety for the week might help. It should include things you'd like to do too. I used to really enjoy visiting museums or window shopping with my baby. I like to read so would bring my book for when the baby slept. Schedule in time for a yoga class or similar when your husband is home. And perhaps you could also pencil in time to visit the other friends.
You've got this and you can always post here, x

It sounds really hard. Having a baby can be isolating and it sounds like you have very little family to connect with.

Babies do get easier, it took me over a year to mentally adjust well enough to my new life as a parent and I'm even more adjusted now after 3 years.

I would continue with therapy as you would definitely benefit from emotional support and it sounds like you can't rely on your mum for this, and your husband sounds very preoccupied as well.

Also continue with baby groups. You may not make friends for life but it can feel less isolating to at least have some familiar faces to chat to, and you may be able to relate to each other on some of the challenges of parenting which can feel really hard to deal with on your own.

Also when you can definitely learn your in laws language. They could be a real source of support you.

Why aren’t you driving?

I find that being a mother is incredibly isolating. The only reason I’ve been able to cope is I’m very obviously autistic. I’m drained from spending time with others.

I still have a social outlet. I have sisters and my partner’s friends are very social.

I have the capacity to make friends. But I don’t maintain friendships. So that’s on me.

Just wanted to come back and say sorry I haven’t replied further yet. I really appreciated all your responses, many so warm and encouraging, thank you so much. I’ve actually been a bit unwell, so will reply when feeling better.

And re the last post. I do drive, I like driving. I never said I don’t drive. I made an effort to meet people within 10 minutes walk, but I know people in varying distances

Have you thought about getting classes in the language of your in-laws?

You want to learn it and it would help, plus you'd be mixing with others.

I completely get this OP, I felt very similar to you, it is so exhausting and draining to feel this way. I have 3 children, and weirdly it didn’t properly hit me until my youngest was a new born, just how alone I felt. I think up until that point I’d been SO busy, going to every class going when on mat leave, working, and honestly trying so hard to build up this ‘village’ that everyone speaks about. I remember it hit me one Christmas Eve, when all 3 kids (four and under) were miraculously asleep, the house was finally tidy, and I looked round at at the twinkly lights and filled stockings. And rather than feel joy or peace or calm like I felt I should feel- I was almost floored by how utterly and desperately lonely I was.

Honestly what helped, was partly my eldest starting school (I appreciate that is a way off for you), and just time.

And also like you say- recognising this wasn’t actually a ‘me’ problem - I wasn’t depressed, I was just living in a very odd time in human history, where despite the deep need of our species for community and social interaction, so many of us live miles from wider family and that community just does not exist in any meaningful way for a lot of us. I have slowly build up my own form of a ‘village’- though it still pales in comparison to our ancestors, but I recognise that’s just the way it is. I realised I only needed a few people- a couple of families I could truly connect with, who were like-minded, to feel a lot better.

Also when I opened up more to people about feeling lonely, I realised just how many people feel exactly the same. I didn’t connect with every one of those people, but it helped. Also I realised that a deep connection with a few people is more meaningful to me than having lots of superficial conversations- that always feels even more draining. So I kind of have a radar now- I’m friendly to everyone but I quickly pick up ‘is this someone I actually really could connect with, or just someone it’s fine to say a quick hi to?’ and don’t waste as much time arranging things with the ones that don’t do it for me (not that there’s anything wrong with them, quite the contrary- I think it’s me that’s the weird one- but I seek out like minded people!)

The book Motherwhelmed is a good read - I’ll link to a blog she wrote as well about why modern motherhood can feel so hard.

Hang in there OP, there are loads of us who have felt the same, and with a one year old you’re in one of the hardest times. It will get better.

https://revolutionfromhome.com/2016/04/absence-village-mothers-struggle/

Hello all, coming back very delayed. Sorry.

I hope you’ve all had wonderful Christmas’ and New Year's.

I really want to comment on many of your posts individually, but can’t bring myself to currently. Many heartened me so much. Thank you.

I wanted to share what happened over Christmas. The details would reveal who I am, but the likelihood of someone I know reading this, is probably minimal.

A bit more than a week after my first post I became unwell. Then two days after extremely unwell with vomiting, nausea and chest pain. My husband went to the pharmacy who gave anti-sickness tablets, and send to call 111 if it didn’t get better. After almost 24 hrs, we called 111 who sent an ambulance and I ended up in hospital for 6 days. I was very unwell with something which is apparently rare, especially for my age. They said I was just unlucky, I’m getting better now. I’ve never been to hospital before, apart from having our baby.

My husband called my mum when it happened. I didn’t speak to her for 3 days as too unwell. When I finally did, she laughed as if I was so silly to catch something unusual, and tried to say it was my fault (I did nothing wrong to catch it.)

She eventually came to help us after a week (when I was coming out of hospital, and the worst had past..) I thought she would stay for Christmas, but left after 4 days on 23rd December, saying she didn’t want to leave her house alone for longer. (Small house, no particular valuables etc.) To my other relatives she said she didn’t have any clean clothes and that was why she left. They said it was just an excuse and didn’t buy into it. They were kind to invite her on Christmas Day, so she wasn’t alone. I have no other siblings, so it’s extended family.

I guess I wanted to share, obviously it was physical, but I think stress and isolation played into it.

The last days paigns of loneliness have come again, my mums behaviour. I really hope 2026 is a good year, but it is difficult to move through the feelings. I had an honest conversation with her whilst she visited, saying we’d really appreciate emotional support at least. At one point she said she didn’t know what I meant, it went nowhere, but I tried.

I may contact our health visitor as many people suggested about the loneliness, though I’m not sure how she’ll be able to help. I did already access a 5 session free course for new mums and other things, but of course the situation remains the same.

Sending you kind people the best for this year xx

@PenelopeSkye thank you, this article is so accurate 🙏

non contact that’s what I’m going to do you should if you are up to it xx

So so sorry to hear you’ve been ill. Hope you feel better soon. Don’t know what to say about your mum, but as you say you tried to talk to her, and I don’t know but maybe she was trying too when she came.
hope 2026 becomes a better year for you!

@NurtureGrowi remember feeling exactly like this. Far from family and my husbands family are just not really warm people orientated people. It was isolating and I did my best to make friends. Eventually I found my people and they are great. It took time and I had kind of given up when it clicked into place. now I look at pictures and wished I had enjoyed it more, because it was beautiful in its own right, but when you never get a break nothing is wonderful… my husband and I had all the nights and all the lows, just us.

sorry if that isn’t constructive but I just want to acknowledge your feelings. You are in the hardest bit with the baby and the redundancy, but you will get through.

I do remeber a lot of people used to say… “some people don’t have a husband or some people have lost their own mothers… or are carers as well as mothers”… I’m sure they meant well but … it isn’t a race to the bottom.