Have you ever said anything on a forum you would not dare say to that persons face?

[NovemberMorn]

And this is prompted by someone's nasty comment on a thread that was started by someone needing support.
Why bother responding just to be a twat?

I'm pretty much the same person in real life as I am online. I'm never nasty for the sake of it; it's just not in my nature. I can be quite blunt online when it comes to Baby Names, though. Blunt, but hopefully not actually nasty.

No, what may go through my mind, doesn't have to automatically be inflicted on others.
The world is an often hard and hostile place anyway. Little point in making it worse when you're in a good position to be more controlled about your reactions.

I agree, surely people post for advice because they know they'll get the unvarnished truth in many cases. They don't want the platitudes they get IRL, what would be the point of that. Yes it hurts, the truth does hurt, but at least they can act on it, eg if they give a load of cast iron evidence that their DH is having an affair and asks for people's views, that's what they'll get. The problem is they then row back and start making all sorts of excuses for their liar of a DH or they drip feed extra nuggets, which is frustrating,

in the most extreme situations I don't bother to post because it's so obvious what the truth is. If I did post it would be "can't you face facts?" so I withhold comment, at the risk of sounding like a dick.

And it's debatable people think that MN is a place for support. It's a place for people to give alternative views that then validates the situation so the OP can move forward in some way. The number of people who post wild "advice" when they've got no skin in the game whatsoever, I don't class that as support, it's messing with someone's RL - if an OP takes that advice or "support" they must surely want their head testing (Christmas round robin announcing DHs affair to family, springs to mind).

People post for a far less unvarnished truth than they would get in RL from someone they had an ongoing relationship with.

I wouldn't say something online that I wouldn't say in real life.

I wouldn't give unsolicited advice either, so if I'm asked for opinion, then I'm honest. And that's easier if delivered directly. If I ask for an opinion, I also value honesty.

I've posted on here about problems in the past. I ignore the people who are obviously just being twats, haven't read the post properly or are clearly projecting etc. I value the directness of some people and find the "you sound lovely" responses grating. You don't know me. How can you possibly know if I'm 'lovely' or not?

In reality, it can just be helpful to share a situation and see a range of responses. Some of which will give a perspective you haven't considered which can be helpful. It's pretty clear which are the genuine responses.

Support can come in many guises. The least useful of which is 'niceness' and telling someone they're right when they're clearly not, which also happens a lot on here.

The only reason that MN gets a lambasted in this respect is because of the number of women who just think other women should be 'nice' at all times.

But are you mean though. I’m quite gender critical but stay off those groups on mumsnet as the language used is so unnecessarily vindictive.

I happen to believe most trans people are traumatised or mentally ill and need help, not abuse.

Which incidentally is something i could say on a forum and not in real life - certainly not to my trans nephew who seems to feel becoming a girl is the solution to sexual abuse we know he’s suffered (family member now behind bars) but refuses to talk about sadly.

I’m more honest for sure.

I’ve been very honest on the SEN forums where people love to pathologise and self diagnose normal kid behaviour. Or themselves. Get over it people, not everyone’s autistic (my kid is and this ‘oh they are masking so they look and act totally normal and get good grades and have friends and it looks fine but they’re actually really autistic because sometimes they get upset BS annoys me. That’s not masking ffs. That’s just not having autism. And putting your perfectly normal kid alongside my very disabled one makes me compete for resources my kid and others actually need. But sure you cam spend £5k and find a doctor who will slap a diagnosis on. Go for it).

Finding exams hard or work hard doesn’t mean you / your kid have adhd, exams are meant to be hard. Work is hard. We so it to get paid.

ah glad i got that off my chest :-)

I think the flip side is that people asked questions here that they might not in real life, and then some of them are surprised when other people give honest and opinionated answered that don't align to their views and needs for validation.

There are topics that i would not engage in in real life because it's not worth the hassle, but if people have chosen to go down that route on an anonymous forum then I'm happy to discuss them in this context.

Don't start a post in AIBU if you're not prepared to hear some challenging opinions.

Define "mean".
For some people "mean" is just not being agreed with or worse still not be enthusiastically validated.

Some times what someone perceives as "mean" might be exactly what they need to hear.

Agreed, @Periperi2025 — an anonymous internet forum means people both ask questions they wouldn’t in RL and get non-echo-chamber responses they might not get in RL either.

And absolutely, some OP’s melodramatically outraged responses to replies to whatever they posted about do make me realise that a certain type of person is apparently completely unused to being disagreed with or told they’re wrong.

There's a difference between telling someone they are being unreasonable or selfish or whatever regarding their post and and being nasty , usually with insults that aren't applicable to the topic of the thread . Their usually seems to be at least one poster on the a.i.b.u threads who are just commenting for the purpose of being nasty.

No, not to be mean or anything at all. But yes, two exceptions to the question. The first being i was very honest once in an online post about my mental health, which i hadnt yet admitted to anyone- to sympathise with a new mum.

and second, once (back when my niece was a toddler) see someone I'm 99.9% sure was my SIL moaning about her mum refusing to do FT childcare for them for free on here.

I'd already told her and my brother my view on it- them being entitled- but I'd had to be diplomatic as they are so prickly people. I had to sit on my hands not to be blunt! Luckily mnet peeps handed her her arse!

But these are just as likely to come from the OP/ people supporting their view, but not recieving the validation they want/expect, as to be from the challenging side.

They generally come when people reach the limit of their intellectual capacity, critical thinking and debating skills.

It is always an eye opener when i see, or get into a discussion/ arguement with someone who clearly has zero critical appraisal skills. I'm an experienced HCP and bit of an evidence based practice nerd, and i see it regularly on mounjaro threads.

No, except like a pp on the baby names board, where occasionally I don’t hesitate to say WTF are you thinking of? Or words to that effect….

TBH I realised long ago that every forum has some who enjoy having a safe, anonymous, often nasty little go at other people. I think of them as sad, inadequate types, who very likely wouldn’t say a RL boo to a goose.

I’ll tell the truth but sometimes polish it a bit.
However I do snap at those that HAVE to take issue with your view when it differs from theirs. All sorts make the world and those that can’t accept that seem to be growing in number - or maybe they’re using the forums as an opportunity to take a pop.

I’m not allowed to have or express them at work - because I’m not allowed to expresss any personal opinions - if someone tells me I have to call someone John - I have to even though 2 years ago I saw them as Penelope

No.

Of course I have. Because context matters.

Eg. someone on a forum asking what you think of a baby name- I will be honest about it. I wouldn't be rude but I would say if I disliked it.

If someone at work was pregnant and told me the name they were planning and asked what I thought of it I would not tell them directly I disliked it. Thats because I have to work with this person continually and they would be upset and offended if I told the full, honest truth and it may affect our working relationship.

These examples are not remotely the same as people deliberately attacking others on here or coming on here to be nasty to others

This. Also IRL there is likely to be a bit of back and forth because you are talking, so you don't have to make your position clear at the first point. But online you need to say your bit and likely move on.

Plus IRL you may choose to prioritise the relationship. So I might not say I don't like your babyname. Something that doesn't really matter online where you can be more honest. I don't think that's cruel if someone has come to ask for opinions.

Exactly. If you want the unvarnished truth then surely FAR better to ask non involved strangers who have no dog in the race. It's a more objective view.

If you ask people close to you, their views will be heavily swayed by their feelings for you, your relationship to them, their views of your previous behaviour etc

Yes, but it's possible to respond objectively without resorting to abuse, making it personal, bitch plopping, or deliberately putting the boot in.

Yes, of course it is. No argument there.

But I am responding to the OP asking if there is a difference between how you respond to a stranger online or someone in real life.

I am saying that people in real life are far more likely to sugar coat the truth to you because they have a relationship with you and presumably care about you and might be worried about hurting your feelings.

Strangers wont. There is nothing wrong with an honest, direct, non-rude answer.

Therefore, if you want an honest, objective truth then strangers are far more likely to give that to you. Thats the point.

Anyone who says 'No, never, I only say online what I'd say to someone's face' is kidding themselves.

There's a ton of evidence around online behaviour that tells that even when people think they're as nice and polite online as they are to people's faces, they're really not.

Yes i have I'm sure but probably only because the OP probably asked something that she wouldn't have in real life either

Couldn't agree more.
Most mentally sound people know the difference between being straight and honest and being mean or nasty.
My theory is, (also shared by many) that people who log in just to bring someone else down are pretty sad in their own lives.