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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To house a friend going through marriage breakdown

49 replies

Bus2 · 02/12/2025 21:04

Hello all, i am after some advice. About 9 months ago, i met a lady who i have become very good friends with. She was having a few problems with her husband which seem to have escalated to the point that she's now thinking of leaving the marriage and family home. The issue is, she has not got any family support or friends and would most likely end up in a shelter.
I am a very emotional person and tend to make decisions with my heart and not my head. Would i be unreasonable to offer her my spare room until she's back on her feet? She's got 2 little dc but i have a spare cot that they could use. I would obviously need to convince dh first.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Savoretti · 02/12/2025 21:05

the problem is there is no end date if you offer that. What will change to make her afford somewhere by herself? I think it would be better for her to go into a shelter an start the ball rolling on housing

CandyCaneKisses · 02/12/2025 21:08

No I wouldn’t offer as mean as that sounds. It will be overcrowded, it could take months or years for her to find somewhere else as the council will see her as adequately housed with you. Also the expense will be significant with extra gas, electric, water etc.

She needs to get professional support to help her leave.

JudgeBread · 02/12/2025 21:08

I wouldn't let my husband move a random woman and her kids into our house, and I doubt he'd be thrilled if I floated the same idea to him... Yeah I'm gonna say this is a bit mad, you've only known her 9 months and if you're a bleeding heart it's entirely possible she's recognised that and is taking you for a mug.

But then I'm deeply cynical and untrusting of others and their motives most of the time.

Annie202 · 02/12/2025 21:09

I had a friend, A, who did just this. It was only a few weeks before the new friend and A’s husband were a couple A was homeless. Don’t do it.

Yetmorewifework · 02/12/2025 21:13

For someone you've not known for long, I would say no. You're a kind person but it's a huge commitment to house a woman and her wee ones.
That said, when I split with my husband many years ago, I went into work and as I told people, the offers of a spare room if I was needing to move out came from quite a few folks. I hope for someone I'd known for a decent length of time and if I had a spare room, I could do the same.

Howtogetthrough · 02/12/2025 21:25

Honestly OP you sound very kind hearted but this has all the makings of a disaster.
Please don't do it.

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango2 · 02/12/2025 21:28

Fuck no. No good deed goes unpunished is a saying for a very good reason. Offer a friendly shoulder to cry on and thats it.

DeanStockwell · 02/12/2025 21:38

You sound very kind @Bus2 but I agree with pp , it's not practical long term and even if she promises to move out in a month what will you do if she hasn't got a place to move into . Could you honestly kick her and her DCs out ?

You would be a much better friend by helping her get her own feet by sending her links to rehoming charities or going to places like shelter women's aid .

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 02/12/2025 21:41

Bus2 · 02/12/2025 21:04

Hello all, i am after some advice. About 9 months ago, i met a lady who i have become very good friends with. She was having a few problems with her husband which seem to have escalated to the point that she's now thinking of leaving the marriage and family home. The issue is, she has not got any family support or friends and would most likely end up in a shelter.
I am a very emotional person and tend to make decisions with my heart and not my head. Would i be unreasonable to offer her my spare room until she's back on her feet? She's got 2 little dc but i have a spare cot that they could use. I would obviously need to convince dh first.
Thanks.

I did - she had two children and I had a 5 bedroom house. Sadly 4 weeks became 8 months and during that time I bit my lip - she didn’t pay anything as saving for a house. She did loads of cooking as she liked a certain style of cooking and took over the kitchen and although I remained friends through the time she lived with me. We aren’t friends any more and I feel used.

I wouldn’t advise it and it doesn’t help her get support eg housing long term

Brightbluesomething · 02/12/2025 21:41

Read up on some of the lodger posts on here and you’ll find your answer. It’s a terrible idea.
She’ll have no housing priority if you move her in so you’ll be making it virtually impossible for her to move out unless she finds a private landlord.

PoppyWarrior · 02/12/2025 21:54

I'd def not offer as you've only known her 9 months, so you don't really know her.

And I'm saying this as someone who had her best friend with 4 kids under 7 to live with me, my dh and my 2 kids for 6 months!!!

But I'd known my friend for 10 years and know she'd do the same in heartbeat for me. Plus my dh knew her well and was onboard with it.

It was difficult at times but I don't regret it. We had a couple of face to face raging arguments, but we loved each other and the arguments didn't last long.

But someone I've known for 9 months? No.

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 21:55

Do not do it. There's a reason she has no friends or family.

Original poster
Bus2 · 02/12/2025 21:59

Thank you all for your advice. I will help by signposting her to support services like a pp kindly suggested.

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 02/12/2025 22:00

No. Refer her to the council homelessness team who can offer advice/temporary accommodation if she needs it. If you knew her really, really well, were very close and trusted her fully then I’d consider it, but given that you have known her less than a year, I wouldn’t. It’s likely to end in resentment.

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 22:01

Bus2 · 02/12/2025 21:59

Thank you all for your advice. I will help by signposting her to support services like a pp kindly suggested.

You are clearly a kind person, OP. And kind people often get taken advantage of.

Signposting her to official support will be better in the long run.

DO NOT mention that you'd been thinking of taking her in yourself.

underthehawthorntree · 02/12/2025 22:02

These responses are wild. Yes of course you should offer.

Notkidding · 02/12/2025 22:12

If she is making herself voluntarily homeless (choosing to leave her husband and make her and her children without a home, and not able to afford a temporary rental) then you giving her a room will mean she will not be able to pursue council or other temporary housing. It isn’t clear why she and her husband cannot separate, and she keeps the family home with her children, even temporarily. That would be more usual. Unless she is fleeing domestic abuse or other abuse. In which case, urgently sign posting her to relevant help is a much better plan than moving her and her 2 children in with you.

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 22:22

underthehawthorntree · 02/12/2025 22:02

These responses are wild. Yes of course you should offer.

Would you like to offer? I'm sure the OP can send your details to her friend.

legalseagull · 02/12/2025 22:27

She needs to go to temporary accommodation so she can be housed by the council, if she can’t afford a private rental. You housing her will mean she isn’t a priority and could be waiting years to get up the list.

let her go to temporary accommodation but stay with you for a few nights here and there

MowingMachine · 02/12/2025 22:28

legalseagull · 02/12/2025 22:27

She needs to go to temporary accommodation so she can be housed by the council, if she can’t afford a private rental. You housing her will mean she isn’t a priority and could be waiting years to get up the list.

let her go to temporary accommodation but stay with you for a few nights here and there

but stay with you for a few nights here and there

No.

beAsensible1 · 02/12/2025 22:30

Do not move someone you’ve know for 9 months into your house.

WickedElpheba · 02/12/2025 22:32

No do not do it. It's an open ended offer, she has decent her as well and it would be unreasonable of you to push your DH into agreeing to this.

CandyCayne · 02/12/2025 22:33

No

A 9 month friendship is hardly a friendship at all as they tend to move at a slower pace than say romantic relationships, or a friendship with a colleague you see every day.

I agree with PPs in that you can help her in other ways and support her through the breakup.

Silverbirchleaf · 02/12/2025 22:38

No, you’ve only known her nine months. That’s no time at all. Ask yourself why she hasn’t got any other friends or family support.

OnTheBoardwalk · 02/12/2025 22:55

Agree absolutely not after only 9 months, you will never get rid

also agree you read the many other posts of people who have got stung in this situation

i dont have loads of friends but I do have many oldest and dearest friends. Out of the many of them there is only 1 maybe 2 I would ever let move in with me, even for a short time