5 yo prefers Mum putting her to bed and has massive meltdown if Dad's turn

[moowens]

My DD has increasingly been going cuckoo bananas at night when its Dad's turn to bring her to bed and do stories etc. She only wants me. She cries hysterically nad screams down to me 'Mummy I love you so much, I miss you'. Dad tries his best but sometimes it does get the better of him and he loses patience. But she is so persistent, even when Dad IS calm, reassuring, trying to help her regulate.
I don't really know what the triggers are for this. Maybe its not enough time with me, or me being the emotional landing pad for everyone in the house, but I am so exhausted.
I know she is dysresulating in these moments, but we can;t see a way through managing and she seems a bit old for these kinds of meltdowns. She was 5 in Oct and is very bright. Second one of these scenarios this week. Anyone else going through same? all advice welcome!!!

How often does he put her to bed? How much time does he spend with her during the day and on weekends? Does he do stuff with her? What’s their relationship like, generally?

How often does he do it? If you go out at bed time she may see she has no choice

Have you tried doing it together for a bit?

My son does this - he yo yos between us. I’ve figured out that he wants one parent until they get a bit more stricter. E.g. I used to do all the bedtimes but they would take wayyyyyy too long, so then I got strict with how much time we spend reading, etc. Daddy used to be “fun” so he switched to daddy. Then daddy got fed up with the 2 hr bedtimes and now it’s back to me. It’s whoever will spend the most time playing, talking, reading with him, and less time telling him to “shhh, go to sleep”

We take it in turns, so he takes her every other night. She is very vocal that I am her favourite. I guess he doesn't spend that much quality times with her during the week, its just humdrum. He sometimes does at the weekend but again, not regularly. They seem to have a good relationship. He's def more fun than me!

My Five year old is exactly the same. Dh is at work a lot so she’s just used to me. He gets upset

My 4yr old DD is the same, she adores her dad but I am her favourite person in the world so she would just much rather have me, however, if I am not an option, she’s absolutely fine with Dad and doesn’t cry at all, but if it’s a choice between us then she will always pick me. I don’t have the answers, it’s really bloody hard, could you nip out around bedtime so she has to be with her dad? Maybe they do something nice together at the weekend?

Don’t fight it? Just give dad another task such as bath time.

Just let them choose. Why can’t they have their preference? My DH is the preferred bedtime parent because he puts way more fun into it than I would ever bother to do the kids love it. They do sometimes want me if they’re feeling unwell. A 5 year old wanting her Mummy when Mummy is available seems totally fine to me. If your DH doesn’t want to miss out then both do it together.

Getting her to sleep is more important than whose turn it is.
For now she wants mummy....so give her mummy.

Start going out in the evening...for a walk / run / to do the shop / anything useful or enjoyable for you.
She'll eventually stop when she realizes the tantrum doesn't achieve anything.

Can you leave the house while she is going to bed and see if you have the same issue? Often if they know you are not an option there won’t be the dramatics

go out

Don't let her dictate.

If she has just turned 5, has she recently started school? I think with all the change they can be a bit clingy. I wouldn’t make too much of a big deal of it, I think enduring making Dad take her is to give connotations of that being a negative experience that will be hard to shift. If my little one gets like this we find that making Dad take them in a fun way helps, ie you can go to bed with Mummy now but straight to sleep, no chatting etc, or Daddy can take you and you can play in your room for 5 mins together first, read favourite book with silly voices etc, so Dad going becomes the ‘fun’ option. Doesn’t always work, sometimes after school they are overtired and just want Mummy, and that’s ok too

We had this with our 3 year old. I just went out at bedtime and she generally didn’t kick off as much when I wasn’t there.
She might still sometimes say she wants me to put her to bed when it’s her dad’s turn but I just say no I’m putting her older sister to bed and she accepts it in the end.
He is definitely way more fun than me at bedtime so I can only assume I’m more comforting to her

You cannot make mum a punishment bedtime! Just accept you don’t have to divvy up parenting by a rota. Be flexible and dad do something else with her at weekends, for example.

Mine were always like that when I did bedtime. They get used to what they get used to. Keep persevering and don't play into favouritism.

My son used to do that, only wanted daddy to do it. No help, he switched over at some point!!

My DD3 doesn’t want me to put her to bed, only her dad. I’ve just accepted it and he does it 🤷🏼‍♀️ no point trying to fight it. If he’s away or out she understands and lets me though, just kicks up a bit of a fuss along the way.

Think this is really normal. If I’m available my DD4 wants me. If I’m not she’s now fine with her dad though until recently she would still cry briefly at bedtime saying she missed me. So I go out, he does bedtime. Or she’s fine for him to be with her if I need to put DD1 down before her (usually sleep at the same time) and sometimes then falls asleep with him there. But she gets beside herself if I don’t put her to bed and could, I suppose it’s like a rejection, like I don’t want to put her to bed. I think that’s a hard thing for a child of their age to understand.

I’m incredibly sorry to say this, and please think before responding. But what is the father doing at bedtime with his daughter? Is anything making her unhappy? Is there any possibility he is abusive? None of the replies so far have even considered this. I was ‘put to bed’ by an abusive older male relative when I was tiny. I did everything I could have done at the time to get out of it. I was seen as ‘making a fuss’ or generally being difficult. I didn’t even know what he was doing. I just knew I hated it and wanted to be safe. Everyone trusted him. No one wanted to listen to me.

I know she is dysresulating in these moments, but we can;t see a way through managing and she seems a bit old for these kinds of meltdowns. She was 5 in Oct and is very bright. Second one of these scenarios this week.

She's just turned 5?

She's very little.

And it has yet to be proven that bright children are any better at emotional regulation; indeed, they're sometimes worse.

I think you are just expecting too much.

She is at an age where she is trying to exert some control over her life and routine. I think you need to do all the bedtimes in return for say dad doing all of some other activity for which he is her favourite- ie he gets her breakfast every morning, or taking her swimming, or doing the homework, or going to the park/for a walk or doing a dance session.

Equal parenting doesn’t mean everything must be done in turns, and you do need to start letting your child have input into the who, how, what, and when her daily routine goes.

Children often have a preferred parent but I am willing to wager money that she would settle just fine with the her Dad if you were not at home.

So, make yourself conspicuously absent on his nights.