To feel left out at work, start looking for a new job?

[Winelove23]

Been at current job over a year, I work in a large office within a multi-disciplinary team of about 20 people. I just don't feel I fit in anywhere, there's multiple smaller groups but im often on my own. Even others who aren't part of the other groups seem to get along with everyone and have inside jokes, go get coffee etc. i just always feel on the outside. I haven't felt this way before in other jobs. It doesn't help that the team admin has taken a dislike to me (she dislikes many people and seems to think she rules the team). Every so often it bothers me, today they were decorating the office for Christmas and spent time putting things on each person's table, some people weren't even in the office yet my desk was skipped, it sounds silly but its just one more thing. Starting to think I should be looking for another job but then most other aspects of the job work well. AIBU?

I had a similar experience while working in a Reception area years ago. The Head Receptionist and her buddies were the worst. Totally ignored me while making each other coffee, discussing Parties they were having and group nights out etc. All this while deliberately not passing on vital information and messages to me making it look like I was crap and failing at my job. It really affected my health and confidence. After a year I packed the job in. Looking back now they were bullies and enjoying their wee power trip. I feel for you Op. Can you talk to someone Higher up to see if you can get things sorted or maybe move to a different office in the building?

Yeah, if they don't appreciate you, go somewhere else - life's too short for a miserable workplace

Ive thought about it but she's quite close to the senior management, they've all been there longer and worried it'll get back to her.
Its difficult to think about moving as the job is close to home, flexible working hours and thr actual work isn't as difficult or stressful as previous jobs. Im also doing additional training through the job when will help me earn more within the next year.
My partner thinks im being too sensitive and ill regret moving jobs

I would start a bit of a paper trail on this. Especially if bullying may be involved. It is hard to prove one off incidents, but patterns are easier to identify issues with.

Perhaps flag to your manager (unless they are also an issue) what happened. Keep it factual. Just say x,y, z were decorating the office. All desks were given decorations, including people who were out of the office. But not mine.

Why not keep your eye for something else whilst also making things better at work? At work I would be polite and friendly (you really never know how someone else is feeling or what they're going through), whilst building up an authentic support network outside of work.

If it's not interfering with you doing your job well then I'd ignore them and crack on with it.

But then I've never looked for friends at work, and would have enjoyed not needing to make small talk! I've had the team admin dislike me before (because I was younger than her and senior to her) and icy professionalism is the way to go.

The OP clearly states that this is different to other places she has worked previously - I would understand if she was new new , but she's been there a year. They are choosing to ignore her for some reason.

Sometimes you just have to start again, elsewhere and set a precedent from the off.

Wow, your situation is virtually exactly the same as mine (minus the admin person). Been there 3 years now. I’ve worked in many many places before and have never experienced anything like this! It’s so strange. I have just decided to ignore it all and carry on, the job is shit in so many ways but I need it right now - when I’m in a better place (mentally etc) I will plan my escape. I’ll just slip away, they won’t even notice 😂 Sorry, I’m laughing because otherwise I’d start to let it get me down. Your colleagues sound like mine - just strange, not very nice people. Good luck OP!

So, what's your advice?

Awful op. Not nice when you have this daily. Do you have lunch with them? I remember temping in a hospital god there was an awful clique! Hated it..

To start again someplace else, as per my last paragraph 🤨.
You gave all of the OP's colleagues the benefit of the doubt by saying you never know what others are going through , which is fine when it's just one person, one time - but it's the whole workplace for an entire year, then it's probably not that, is it?
What was your advice again , other than telling the OP to make more of an effort?

I’ve experienced this in many parts of life. I often think people think I am unapproachable until they start talking to me.

If you aren’t happy I would definitely look elsewhere.

Im kinda stuck at the moment because of this training im on, its for a year and my work have funded it and im half way through. Glad im not the only one, just feels like they haven't left school in some ways

I would take my own Xmas decorations in and make a point of decorating my own desk to prove a point. It could be a case of they may think you might not want to be involved? I don’t know if you’ve tried before, but if you haven’t maybe try and make small talk, it could just be that you’ve gotten off on the wrong foot and one of you need to break to get things back on track

I think if you know you have an exit plan, it will make getting through the training easier. In the meantime, just keep making low - key efforts to connect with people. It can pay off.

There's really no excuse for that, poor form from them. Exclusion is a form of bullying, so document it even if you do nothing with it for now.

Start getting your CV in shape and keep your head down while you finish your training. I know it's shit to feel like this but at least you have an end date in sight so light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep a record of the dates and times of these things and what’s happened. You don’t need to do anything with it now but it may end up being really helpful.
I was treated the same way at a previous job and it really got me down until I left and the next person working there told me they were doing the same to her.
My advice is not to wait it out, keep notes and try to move on asap no matter how convenient the job is. It’ll be knocking your confidence and getting you down a little bit every day.

I didn’t tell her to make more of an effort and I also said look for something else . You seem to be replying to what you wish I had posted rather than what I actually wrote. I think she should protect herself by being civil and not leaving until she has found something new. I’ll give you the final word if you would like it.

Do you want to finish the training? Is it useful to you? If the organisation is large enough to have HR they may be willing to release you from it to avoid a bullying investigation situation.

If you quit, now, or after an amount of time after finishing the training, would you have to pay back the cost of the training? That might affect the timing if when you can leave.

Please ignore me, I didn't realise how much I came across so argumentative - we were both sort of in agreement . Apologies ✌️😘.

One place I worked in there were a group of women who would sit in a corner like your colleagues, planning nights out and so on. They were probably as aware as I was of a social difference between us. I was a mature student at the uni and they a group of mums doing a p/t job for extra money. They were not nasty. They just didnt include me. When I was in my 20s early 30th I used to be friends with some of my colleagues, arranging nights out and such. As I grew older and other things took over my life I developed a different attitde. The people I worked with had nothing culturally in common with me. I was polite and civil but kept my distance. So it did not bother when they failed to include me in their gossip and chit chat. So work the hours you are paid for, do the job to your best ability, but forget it as soon as you walk out of the door.

That sucks. It's very human to react to being left out. But try and make sure you leave on your terms, when it actually suits you.
I've had similar and I won't lie it was uncomfortable, but I tried to ease it by consciously reminding myself of the places I did belong and people who did like me.

Her last sentence

It does seem, for now, staying is your best option. But @LameBorzoi made a really good point I don’t think I would have ever thought of. Having an exit plan will probably make it more tolerable. Just knowing when I was likely to leave and where I might be going would make me feel a lot better and less bothered by being left out by them. Good luck