To feel left out at work, start looking for a new job?

[Winelove23]

Been at current job over a year, I work in a large office within a multi-disciplinary team of about 20 people. I just don't feel I fit in anywhere, there's multiple smaller groups but im often on my own. Even others who aren't part of the other groups seem to get along with everyone and have inside jokes, go get coffee etc. i just always feel on the outside. I haven't felt this way before in other jobs. It doesn't help that the team admin has taken a dislike to me (she dislikes many people and seems to think she rules the team). Every so often it bothers me, today they were decorating the office for Christmas and spent time putting things on each person's table, some people weren't even in the office yet my desk was skipped, it sounds silly but its just one more thing. Starting to think I should be looking for another job but then most other aspects of the job work well. AIBU?

Definitely start making plans to leave. This kind of behaviour can really wear you down. Your DP is being really unsupportive as well. Easy for him to say stay when he isn't the one having to put up with it. Perhaps he hasn't been subjected to this kind of subtle exclusion and bullying before either?

As pp have said.. having a plan to leave will make being there far more tolerable. When you find a job with lovely colleagues and a welcoming atmosphere you'll be so so glad you left this place.

I’m in a similar situation and it’s horrible. It really affects how I feel about myself. My job has always been something I’ve taken pride in and enjoyed being good at, rightly or wrongly it’s a massive part of my identity. I feel rubbish all the time and almost never look forward to going to work. I know I’m a sensitive person and other people don’t seem to understand why I can’t just compartmentalise it and enjoy every other aspect of my life but I’m just not like that. No suggestions, just I understand how you feel. I am also doing expensive training which will improve my earning power and have this constant argument in my head of whether it’s worth it as my self worth decreases and my health gets worse and I age dramatically and my hair falls out. Some of this is likely to be perimenopause which helps nothing!

Keep reminding yourself of the bigger picture.
You will benefit from this training.
They are not friends.
Go in and put your head down.
Do the best job you can, get the most out of the trai ing and then leave when it works best for you.

Many people go through this, just keep thinki g about your end goal.

Thanks the responses,
I agree an exit plan will probably help me mentally keep going.
No I wont have to pay back the training but if I leave now all the work ive done will be for nothing
The training will actually help me move into a new job as its helps me become more specialized in my role and move up salary bands, just need to stick it out for another 6 months

You are are not being unreasonable but there are 2 ways of looking at this. Do you like the job? Can you just go to work, do your job & go home & not care or do you want the feeling that you fit in? I don’t fit in at all at work but the job is good and suits my life. When I was in my 20s I had a similar experience to you and that upset me a lot but I had different priorities then. People can be awful but it depends how you let it affect you and they don’t have to like you but they do have to be respectful

OP i totally understand what you are feeling. I worked as a Receptionist for a big company. I was left out of things regularly as well. I gave them ten years service and when I left I didn't even get a card. Don't make the same mistake. If you think you'll be happier somewhere else then look for new opportunities. Some Office work environments can be so bitchy and unpleasant to work in.
You are not being unreasonable.

I feel like this in my new job, been there around 6 weeks. Never experienced it before. Granted it’s not all staff there are some I get on with but a lot give off mean girl vibes with me but love other people. The speak to me like I’m a piece of dirt. It’s tough but I just go in, do my job, talk to the people who are kind and act like the others don’t exist. It’s working up to now and it helps that I love my job. Remember your family and friends love you. These people are just colleagues.

they sound like a horrible bunch. The management must be very weak to allow that sort of behaviour. But I think you have to knuckle down and get through the rest of the training program. I suggest about two months before the year is up you start looking for something else. Good luck.

Once you've decided on an exit plan (a great idea in my opinion), could you throw in a few other things to look forward to? If you have a 6-month runway, for example, I would be tempted to use your remaining annual leave to do things that you feel excited about - maybe a week away at the halfway point or a long weekend. Maybe a scattering of Mondays and Fridays off if you can do such a thing. Even choosing a nice coffee place to escape to once a week might give you a lift. I'm sympathetic - I've worked with some unpleasant people in my time.

As for practical on-the-job advice, an exit plan is a great shout. Stay icily polite and remember you owe these people nothing other than the terms of your contract and professionalism.

Op, so sorry you are going through this, really miserable. I had a similar thing in one job and at the time thought that it was my fault, as I was seen to be ‘posh but I then realised that this was how this ‘gang’ treated most other people - whether colleagues or customers.

I discovered after a while in that role that the others all had breakfast together in one of the rooms and kept the door closed specifically excluding me.

Unkind behaviour on reflection but I had never seen anything like this before. I found it very demoralising and spent too long trying to understand it, and now that I am older and more experienced, I would just ignore them.

Please don’t let it get to you, people in groups can be very strange, keep going with your training, plan an exit, and relax.

🌷🌷🌷

Get as much out of the organisation as you can in terms of training etc and smile and talk about the lightest of topics. Or opt for the icy professionalism mentioned earlier.

Where I currently work I'm surrounded by absolute bitches, with one of the cleaners who was very close to the previous boss one of the absolute worst. I actually think she thinks she runs the place and recently it's been apparent just how much spite and gossip originates with her. Doesn't help that I'm a blow in and the rest of the place are all interrelated four or five ways several generations back.

Though my age will go against me now, I'm not planning on hanging around once my current training course is done. I'm too old for this playground nonsense.

It has broken my heart at what the NHS is now, I have so many happy memories of other Trusts where I've worked and still have some good friends from there. That won't be the case here. I've never encountered such downright nastiness and pettiness.

Get your CV ready, start looking, and don't tell anyone at work your plans. Good luck - even this will end eventually.

Their just work colleagues remember that they are nothing more and so much less.
if they think it’s ok to make someone feel left out fuck them, I’d probably just decorate my space my way and tell myself that regardless of how they behave karma has a way of giving back.

Oh OP, you can do 6 months.
Finish and ace the training and then you can be obviously moving on.
You are the winner here, not them.
Keep careful notes of specific instances, time, witnesses, whatcwas said etc.
This can be very useful if you ever feel like a grievance might be useful.

My friend was very quiet but was horribly bullied by two women in her office, she worked in HR.
She was so quiet and they often forgot she was there.
She kept very careful notes of all they said in the office, they were incredibly nasty and indiscreet about other staff and management.

My friend in her long grievance which had her resignation attached, specifically mentioned how upsetting it was to be exposed to such poisonous personal gossip about staff and management and their personal lives.

She coppied every single member of the management team as she didn't trust HR.
She was interviewed by both the Projects and Communications Directors, and gave them even more damaging information that she had been forced to listen too.

She very successfully moved on, with an excellent reference. Both the bullys were sanctioned and transferred to out of the way site offices which forced them to resign..

Always keep careful notes, emailing them to yourself means they are date stamped.

I would say that if you feel that your skills / experience and the current job market with availability in your area gives you confidence that you can apply for another position and obtain it within a reasonable amount of time, at about the same pay/benefits as you're currently receiving without much further of a commute or any other detriments, then go for it.

But if the job market is tough, if you feel that there are fewer options that will be just as good, if changing positions will be worse in other ways but you might get some more office friends because you're starting fresh at a new place that might be more friendly, I don't know if it's worth it.

OP has said that it will help with progression

@Winelove23 how are you getting on? Are you going to stick it out?

Hi,
The office is still pretty cliquey but ive got more friendly with a few other ppl who also feel a bit left out, I wouldn't say we're very close but can go for coffee and chat.
I'll likely leave the job at some point but dont feel as awful being there. Will definitely stick it out to finish the training and then likely move on when my kids are a bit older

@Winelove23 that's good news.