Separated from ex - opinions on our Christmas plan

[Lennoxx]

Seeking opinions on our Christmas plan this year as a newly separated family.

Ex has been vague as to the plans and time is ticking! He text saying he has arranged to be with his mother “as expected” and I will see DS1 but then “he will need to be with me” (meaning ex)

Plan
Ex comes to mine on Christmas morning, we spend a couple of hours together and watch the kids opening presents. Then ex takes DS1 to his mums and I take DS2 to my parents house.

I think this is the best we can hope for this year. It’s sad to split the siblings up, I’ll take the youngest and ex takes our teen to his mom’s very nice house.

It would be nice to think we could spend the day together but it is doubtful given how things are tense.

How does this plan sound?

The kids should be your priority, I think splitting them up sounds a really rubbish idea if I am honest. Just take it in turns. Poor kids.

It sounds like a no to me. Why are they going to different places? They should both go together, and if one side of the family needs to wait until Boxing Day then so be it.

Could you go to your parents and then Ex drop the kids off there for the evening?

Honestly that sounds awful. I think you just need to take it in turns to have christmas with them.

I agree, it sounds like the worst of all worlds. Why would he take one of the children to his mum's? If he's coming to yours on Christmas morning, why can't he see both children on boxing day?

Why was this the plan you landed on?! Why separate your kids?!?

Splitting up the kids sounds like the worst of all worlds. Much better for either you or ex as the adults to be alone part of the day than to split up the kids like property.

I assume ds1 and ds2 have different dads?

Have you asked your kids what they want to do, particularly the teen?

The children will pick up on your tension and discomfort in the morning although I’m sure that you and your ex will do your best to hide it. Then, they’ll be split up for the rest of the day. I don’t think it’s a solid plan.

Also, it’s best to get them used to you and your ex being apart on high days and holidays. Honestly, it’s obvious you and ex have good intentions in trying to keep the morning as it was, but it’s not a solution.

I think the kids should spend the day in their home with whomever lives there now. Then, off to the other one on Boxing Day.

A new way of life.

This. Why are they being separated?

Splitting the kids up sounds like an awful solution. It's almost like you and your ex are dividing the children so neither of you has to be without them, but not really considering how this might feel for the children.

From the very first year, my ex and I took turns having the children year about, because it felt really unfair to uproot them halfway through Christmas Day. The stay with one parent until early evening on Christmas Eve, then got to the other for bedtime all the way through to Boxing Day morning, then back to the first parent early on Boxing Day.

They're older now, with only one of them still under 18, and this is still their preferred way. The first Christmas I spent without them was truly awful for me, but although they missed me they were knee-deep in festivities at their dad's so they didn't feel it nearly to the same extent. It's always been about what makes them happiest.

I think that splitting the children up is very unfair on them unless ex is not the Father of the one he isn’t taking to his DM’s.

How about one of you take DC to their Mums for Christmas morning and lunch and the other takes DC to their Mums for Christmas Day afternoon and evening so you have half the day each. Whoever they go to for lunch would need to be strict with timekeeping so lunch is done by the agreed pick up time, it’s not fair to eat into the other parents time.

I really don’t think you should split up the kids, assuming they have the same dad. Taking it in turns is the way most people do it. Sorry to hear it’s your first Christmas separated.

I don't quite understand - you're newly separated but DC2 (younger?) has a different dad to your ex?

I can't see any other reason why you would split siblings at Christmas rather than the adults being sensible!

Splitting the kids up? What a dreadful and nasty idea.

I think the kids will sense the tension and not be able to relax tbh.

I think that the most child centred solution is wake up with parent 1 and parent 2 comes round and takes the boys to their parent’s house. Next year it can alternate. Boys have presents with each parent separately or you’ll be forced to collaborate on present buying so there’s no duplicates and both parents pay a similar amount on gifts.

Here’s another suggestion - one set of Grandparents spends Christmas morning with you, ex and DC. If it’s your parents then ex leaves with DC and you go to your parents without them, if it’s ex’s parents then he leaves with them and you take the DC with you - so both parents and both sets of GP’s get to see the kids on Christmas Day.

You can't divide the children like your other assets, it's not fair on them.

Unless dc2 is 2 or younger or has a different dad this seems odd.

I feel like there’s a lot of missing information here?

This isn't about the parents, so you don't get one kid each, unless they have different fathers

Unless different dads don’t split them up. One of you have them morning and then after lunch go to the other parents. I would say the parent who doesn’t get them the most on regular weeks gets them most of Christmas Day. Other parent does something Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Then alternate each year.

Is the youngest not his? Is DS2s dad in the picture at all?

Is he the father of the two children?

I wouldn't be happy at siblings not being together either, and since it is the first year since separating I would be wanting both children with me for the main part of the day.