Who is in the wrong?

[chazabella]

Couple been together for 15 years and 2 kids (3&7) parent one works full time, parent two is a stay at home.

Parent 2 picked up oldest from school (have to walk due to broken down car otherwise both parents do pick up).

About 5 parent 1 said we need to sort tea ( parent 1 usually cooks tea but needed to do a food shop but not had chance). Parent 2 agreed but then carried on with a game with oldest. Parent 1 waiting an hour and youngest was asking to play upstairs with parent 1 being there.

Parent 1 agreed as had washing to put away, then ended up on 2 phone calls. (Step mum and mum about things this week) parent 2 came up and said we need to sort yeah any ideas. Parent 1 said one min just need to do this call, once finished parent 1 text the other to say finished for them to come up and talk. 20 mins later parent 2 came up. Parent 1 asked parent 2 to pick and do the order so parent 1 can finish putting 2 kids and their washing away.

Parent 2 placed the order (asda uber order) and has ordered a bunch of food parent 1 doesn't like (hasn't like this brand for 15 years they have been together).

Parent 1 said they where not hungry which has lead to a massive argument. Parent 2 asked why did parent 1 say we need to sort tea to which parent 1 explained there was still 2 children that needed to be fed even if they where not having food.

Parent 2 then accused parent 1 of setting them up for failure (by asking them to do the order), throwing past stuff in their face (once put food parent 1 didnt like in food and it was noticed and parent 1 wouldn't eat it) and calling them a picky eater (the brand was Asda own pasta sauce but happy with any other pasta sauce just can't it that one). Parent 1 said they expected more from them and after 15 years they should be able to order for the family knowing what each other like just as parent 1 does for parent 2. Parent 2 then shouted that they where not talking to parent 1 again.

Parent 1 and 2 put oldest to bed, youngest had already fallen asleep. Parent 1 waited on the sofa for parent 2 to talk but they refused and walked out. Parent 1 went to bed and text to say they will sleep in another room because of how upset they where over the argument. Parent 1 didnt fall asleep parent 2 went to bed and didnt responded to parent 1.

Parent 1 tried to walk them up to try and talk and turned into another argument.

Who is in the wrong

I believe parent 2 is in the wrong but so is parent 1 for sending the text. But parent 2 wont accept responsibility

Parent 1 sounds like a passive aggressive pain in the ass.

I haven't a clue what went on as it all sounds like overcomplicated and unnecessary drama. Only thing I got from it was one of the parents (either the one that works who has no money or the one that doesn't work who has to pay for the shop) seemed to take a really long time putting the laundry away.

In this case OP you are largely at fault because the behaviour sounds passive aggressive around the pasta sauce. But there are obviously simmering resentments underneath, you were all tired and presumably hungry. You have young children which is hard. Communication needs to be better and trying to cut each other some slack.

Both parents need to stop asking stuff and actually do it. If there was no food for the kids sah parent should have texted other to get food on way home.

Neither parent should have been gaming/ folding washing/ talking on the phone when there was no food in the house for the kids.

Stop blaming each other and work together to look after your children.

Essentially you have said to your partner ‘you are incompetent and you don’t care about me enough’ by making an issue about the sauce. This may be what you actually feel but by asking them to take responsibility you are asking them to agree that they are incompetent and they don’t care about you. It isn’t really surprising that they have become defensive and hurt about this.

You sound like a pair of mismatched flatmates who’ve been handed a couple of kids to look after so you are playing at being a family for comedic effect. You don’t have access to each others money despite being together 15 years and being parent 1 and parent 2 for over 7. You don’t have any money but one of you doesn’t work at all. The one who works full time does all the food shopping and cooking and also puts the laundry away. You, again, have no money but you are using Uber. You have 2 small kids but don’t have so much as a tin of beans in the house. The sah parent doesn’t meal plan or shop and even when asked to buy food specifically makes an absolute bollocks of it. Both continue to be twats to each other the rest of the day. You aren’t nice to each other, you don’t have each others backs, and you can’t scrape together a meal in a timely manner even in the day the shopping gets delivered. It sounds knackering.

"Independently wealthy"! 😂
Do either of these people sound the sort to be independently wealthy?

You have behaved a bit pathetically, sorry.

Both parents need to stop point scoring and needless drama.

Both sound like extremely poor communicators and create unneccessary drama and tension.

It doesn't need to be this difficult. Both parents working agsinst each other rather than as a team.

Seems like underlying resentment and contempt.

Too complicated too follow but in our house SAHP would of done tea as other parent works FT

This is not a family. Separate finances, texting each other in the same house, playing off who orders the food, who cooks the food, who puts the laundry away. Why do both parents usually go to pick a child up from school when one should be working? Is it a show of unity and togetherness?

Yes there are a lot of chores when raising young kids and these need to be shared. But this should be based on discussions and agreement when you are in a good place and not because it is dinner time and you have hungry kids and no food in and one parent won't sort that out because it's the other parent's turn.

Is this a one-off or is it always like this? Which parent are you?

I feel for the children caught up in the middle of all this, they WILL be picking up on the tension and passive aggressiveness no matter how well the parents think they are handling it.

Both parents sound childish, petty and disorganised. Why hadn't they bought food for the whole week at the weekend?

Did the dc get fed in all this pathetic argument? Adults can sort themselves out. Could parent doing school run not have picked up tea on way home? No food in the house at all?

If this is typical, I find it difficult to believe that the marriage has lasted 15 years.

Parent 1 works full time, looks after the the 3 year old during their lunch break, usually collects the 7 year old from school (with parent 2), takes over the care of both children after that and usually cooks the evening meal. They obviously do some other household chores (washing in this case). I’d say they had a pretty full-on day.

Parent 2 seems to have a very easy life in comparison. They have only one child to look after for most of the day, with a break for lunch, and lose their primary childcare responsibilities after school. Even if they don’t normally cook, they should ensure that there is always enough food in the house (that everyone likes) to avoid last minute panics of this sort.

On this occasion both behaved badly.

Parent 1 was a bit stroppy and should not have woken parent 2 up.

Parent 2 should also discussed the issue with parent 1 rather than just going to bed.

This.

Parent 2 sounds like they need to pull their weight more.

Why didn’t the parent who had no menu just use the card of other parent?! We do this all the time!

Regardless this is a massive drama over nothing!

Also - why does parent 2 actually do?!

Sounds exhausting. Next time order pizza or McDonald's take out and sort the food shop tomorrow.

Not so much a question of who is wrong, but of how can you communicate and share better in future. You say the DC didn't notice the tension but they probably did.

It doesn’t sound like a partnership and it sounds toxic and awful and the relationship sounds awful

Parent 2 needs to pull their weight.