Who is in the wrong?

[chazabella]

Couple been together for 15 years and 2 kids (3&7) parent one works full time, parent two is a stay at home.

Parent 2 picked up oldest from school (have to walk due to broken down car otherwise both parents do pick up).

About 5 parent 1 said we need to sort tea ( parent 1 usually cooks tea but needed to do a food shop but not had chance). Parent 2 agreed but then carried on with a game with oldest. Parent 1 waiting an hour and youngest was asking to play upstairs with parent 1 being there.

Parent 1 agreed as had washing to put away, then ended up on 2 phone calls. (Step mum and mum about things this week) parent 2 came up and said we need to sort yeah any ideas. Parent 1 said one min just need to do this call, once finished parent 1 text the other to say finished for them to come up and talk. 20 mins later parent 2 came up. Parent 1 asked parent 2 to pick and do the order so parent 1 can finish putting 2 kids and their washing away.

Parent 2 placed the order (asda uber order) and has ordered a bunch of food parent 1 doesn't like (hasn't like this brand for 15 years they have been together).

Parent 1 said they where not hungry which has lead to a massive argument. Parent 2 asked why did parent 1 say we need to sort tea to which parent 1 explained there was still 2 children that needed to be fed even if they where not having food.

Parent 2 then accused parent 1 of setting them up for failure (by asking them to do the order), throwing past stuff in their face (once put food parent 1 didnt like in food and it was noticed and parent 1 wouldn't eat it) and calling them a picky eater (the brand was Asda own pasta sauce but happy with any other pasta sauce just can't it that one). Parent 1 said they expected more from them and after 15 years they should be able to order for the family knowing what each other like just as parent 1 does for parent 2. Parent 2 then shouted that they where not talking to parent 1 again.

Parent 1 and 2 put oldest to bed, youngest had already fallen asleep. Parent 1 waited on the sofa for parent 2 to talk but they refused and walked out. Parent 1 went to bed and text to say they will sleep in another room because of how upset they where over the argument. Parent 1 didnt fall asleep parent 2 went to bed and didnt responded to parent 1.

Parent 1 tried to walk them up to try and talk and turned into another argument.

Who is in the wrong

I believe parent 2 is in the wrong but so is parent 1 for sending the text. But parent 2 wont accept responsibility

How does Parent 2 have separate finances if they don't work? Are they independently wealthy?

Normally the SAHP will do most of the cooking during the week although Parent B's working hours seem short if they finish at 3.30 pm every day.

It all sounds very disfunctional.

Both of you need to grow up and work together. Parent 1 should be doing the lions share of dinners. A three year old can watch tv whilst dinner is being sorted.

If parent 1 works full time, cooks supper, plays with DC after work....what does parent 2 do?
Parent 2 is SAHP so they should have made sure there was food in the house for Parent 2 to cook.

Which parent wasted all the time writing that story out?

You lost me with all the 'parent' stuff.

Lord I hate all this parent 1 parent 2 malarkey.

This sounds like a lot of arguing over a simple everyday task. And yes The kids do know you’re arguing.

Waking someone up to continue a row is on another level of dick moves though.

All this could have been avoided by having a meal plan for the week 😂

Neither parent has covered themselves in glory and should take a step back working out who was most at fault from THIS argument and work out how to communicate a hell of a lot better because believe me, the kids WILL be picking up on this!

So all of this is because you have separate finances? There’s your answer. You are living as two flatmates who have sex that results in babies, rather than a family. If you had shared finances no one would need to wait for the other in order for the shopping to get done. If you don’t trust each other with your debit cards, why are you having children together?

See in my house parent one (mum?) would just grab dad's card from his wallet and place the order while dad was doing something else. Or in fact we both have each other's cards saved in our phones anyway from previous times using them so we would do that. This is an extraordinary amount of drama and chaos and suggests that there is something very wrong between the parents that a)mum doesn't have access to dad's bank details if needed to buy food and b) there is a breakdown of systems if mum is waiting for dad to be able to do a food shop and hadn't already sorted it during her day of being a SAHM. Is there financial abuse here?

It seems very odd to me that parent 1 is grocery shopping. It would make far more sense for the stay at home parent to take on these duties during the day so you both don’t get to the end of the day tired and cranky and without groceries.

Parent 1 should have sorted a food shop while parent 2 was entertaining older child. . If the issue was paying just use parent 2 card /phone .
or parent 2 could have sorted it in the day while parent 1 was at work. But it was petty of parent 1 to wait and make parent 2 do it.
parent 2 should probably no that parent 1 doesn’t like a certain sauce but it’s not the end of the world.
if parent 1 chooses not to have tea as long as they are not being a martyr about it it’s up to them no need for parent 2 to be arsey about it.
parent 1 shouldn’t have tried to wake parent 2.
i would say it’s 50/50 on who’s at fault.

Agree. This all sounds very immature. I suspect op is quite young.

So parent 2 has been home all day with youngest, why didn't they order the asda uber to come earlier on the day? That way the food could have been sorted without all of the back and forth and drama

Such a fuss about nothing and sounds like both parents pick arguments with each other constantly

Both are ridiculous and unreasonable and I feel a bit sorry for the kids living with such chaos and faff

Parent one did everything they could to cause a problem and to make absolutely everything as difficult as possible.

If I was parent two I would leave parent one because this is an unhealthy relationship and one is making sure that life is absolutely miserable for everyone. I couldn’t live like this and I wouldn’t want my children to be exposed to this tension.

The poor children. What an awful life they are living.

I absolutely do not believe that there wasn’t enough food in the house to cobble together a meal.

I think people are getting distracted by the (admittedly convoluted) writing style of the post. And I don’t think it’s really about the Asda sauce. My understanding:

• OP works full time while DP stays at home, yet finances are separate and OP, the breadwinner, has no money. Is this because OP is paying for all household expenses? What is OP DP contributing? How does DP have money for Asda order when OP, the breadwinner, does not?
• OP, who works full time, still does all cooking (possibly food shopping - why hadn’t DP done the food shop before all this kicked off?), and based on the sample of that day, the laundry. What is OP DP contributing here?

I think the sauce is a red herring and OP’s real frustration is that they are breadwinner AND it seems doing more household chores? Plus covering everything (potentially) with their money then having to ask OP DP to cover food order?

These people need to sort themselves out, this is a terrible way to raise kids.

I personally think that the stay at home parent should have primary responsibility for at least getting the food in but they do need the money to buy it, then it’s for both parents to sort. All of this passive aggressive announcements, phone calls, washing and computer games is such BS.

Make sure that you’ve always got the basics like bread, eggs, butter and milk in, then someone call always do egg on toast.

If you’re living hand to mouth for money sell the sodding computer and stop using uber eats, and maybe consider whether having a SAHP is feasible- maybe parent 2 should work in the evenings/ weekends.

And both of you grow up and start feeding your kids without WW3 being declared over pasta sauce.

Rewritten for ease.

Couple been together for 15 years and 2 kids (3&7) parent one works full time, parent two is a stay at home.

Tony picked up oldest from school (have to walk due to broken down car otherwise both parents do pick up).
About 5 parent Olaf said we need to sort tea (Olaf usually cooks tea but needed to do a food shop but not had chance). Tony agreed but then carried on with a game with oldest. Olaf waiting an hour and youngest was asking to play upstairs with olaf being there.

Olaf agreed as had washing to put away, then ended up on 2 phone calls. (Step mum and mum about things this week) Tony came up and said we need to sort yeah any ideas. Olaf said one min just need to do this call, once finished Olaf text the other to say finished for them to come up and talk. 20 mins later tony came up. Olaf asked Tony to pick and do the order so olaf can finish putting 2 kids and their washing away.

tony placed the order (asda uber order) and has ordered a bunch of food Olaf doesn't like (hasn't like this brand for 15 years they have been together).
olaf said they were not hungry which has lead to a massive argument. Tony asked why did Olaf say we need to sort tea to which Olaf explained there was still 2 children that needed to be fed even if they were not having food.
tony then accused Olaf of setting them up for failure (by asking them to do the order), throwing past stuff in their face (once put food Olaf didnt like in food and it was noticed and Olaf wouldn't eat it) and calling them a picky eater (the brand was Asda own pasta sauce but happy with any other pasta sauce just can't it that one). Olaf said they expected more from them and after 15 years they should be able to order for the family knowing what each other like just as olaf does for tony. Tony then shouted that they were not talking to Olaf again.
olaf and Tony put oldest to bed, youngest had already fallen asleep. Olaf waited on the sofa for Tony to talk but they refused and walked out. Olaf went to bed and text to say they will sleep in another room because of how upset they were over the argument. Olaf didnt fall asleep Tony went to bed and didnt responded to Olaf

Olaf tried to walk them up to try and talk and turned into another argument.

Who is in the wrong
I believe Tony is in the wrong but so is Olaf for sending the text. Tony wont accept responsibility

I dunno.

But going forward the WFH parent should meal plan effectively so that last minute food orders aren’t needed.

I’ve had to edit the OP as it was driving me nuts. My autocorrect is fucked for life now.

It all sounds petty and childish. You both need to put the point scoring aside and just crack on with it.

It's all a shitshow and P1 was to blame this day, but the resentment stems from the overall issue outlined here.

What does P2 do all day? They seem to only look after the youngest for a few hours a day, with a lunch break!

Also, OP is kidding themselves that the children aren't suffering from their arguments held in another room.

Sound like both parents need to grow the fuck up and communicate.
Depressingly the OP wants to know who won rather than how to resolve these issues.

Both at fault. Get some freezer food and let child aged 3 watch TV whilst dinner is cooking. Too much drama over food cooking.

Why was Parent 1 banging on about needing to sort tea? You've now said the two kids had already been fed different things that they like. Parent 1 wasn't hungry.

If Parent 1 just meant "I'm not cooking tonight so you just need to sort something for yourself" why not just say so? Or did you mean something else like "I'm sick of always cooking when you stay at home all day"? Or "why didn't you think to get food shopping in as you know I've got no money?" Use your words!

The rest is mostly pointless bickering and time wasting. Waking someone up to start or continue an argument is really bad behaviour.

Let the kids organise things 👍