Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas visits to grandad

44 replies

MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 22:58

My mum is very upset with me because I won't commit to two days visiting my grandad over Christmas. She has asked me a few times, over text and just now on the phone.

We have agreed to go over(me, husband, kids 10,14,17) and stay over for one day before Christmas, husband is a teacher and my 17 year old won't finish till the 19th then its her birthday on the 20th. We home ed the other kids(10,14)

We are looking forward to staying over but my mum is trying to get me to agree to stay another day. My wonderful nan passed away Feb 2024, so he is on his own.

She stays over a few days a week herself and I understand that she might feel pressured but she is now attempting to put pressure on me. My brother doesn't see her much or my grandad at all. Her brother isn't involved. I feel she is trying to compensate by asking me and my family to stay. We are as busy as any other family of 5 at Christmas with a Christmas birthday in the mix.

She asked via text, I didn't commit. Then rang me this evening upset that I hadn't asnwered her text yet, one was sent yesterday evening, the other from 5.30 or so tonight. I was just having a sit down!

I tried to assert my boundaries politely.I told her we were busy/ I had had a full on day with home ed, she said something along the lines of 'oh well, of thats how you see it'.

Then it all became difficult. No swearing or anything like that just unpleasant.

She was very annoyed when I said I can't commit to a second day. She really let rip, saying she is always having to hold her tongue around me. To be honest I can't really remember what she said, more or less just hinting that she has so many problems with me. I am so difficult and cold that she is always holding her tongue. She is always disappointed in me, never anything nice to say. I am 38 for God's sake!

I believe this is emotional abuse and I find it to hard to deal with. Obviously this has happened countless times before, but not for a while. I have tried to keep the peace. I can't even remember what was said afterwards.

For reference I take the boys over to see my grandad once a week.

We have moved away recently from close to her to about 40 min away. She feels that it's too far to come visit us. We don't drive.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 01/12/2025 23:04

You only have so much to give and three kids to keep happy.
I think one day is enough especially as you see grandad every week.
Mum will have to get over it. Don't get her guilt you into giving in.

Original poster
MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:07

Sorry, she said what she wanted to say, then she put the phone down on me.

She didn't speak to me for 6 months when my 17 Yr old, was 1, because she was upset with me. I find that so sad, and I am worried that she wont see my boys who love to visit her.

I was shaking afterwards because I usually just do what she wants to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:09

lazyarse123 · 01/12/2025 23:04

You only have so much to give and three kids to keep happy.
I think one day is enough especially as you see grandad every week.
Mum will have to get over it. Don't get her guilt you into giving in.

Edited

Thanks for replying. Yes, I will try to be strong!

OP posts:
GTGGD · 01/12/2025 23:12

I think she’s under stress looking after granddad and with thoughts of the Christmas period. Don’t take it to heart. She’s doing too much and she cannot replace your DGM.

Original poster
MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:15

GTGGD · 01/12/2025 23:12

I think she’s under stress looking after granddad and with thoughts of the Christmas period. Don’t take it to heart. She’s doing too much and she cannot replace your DGM.

I do understand, I know it must be hard.

She doesn't do any personal care and he has refused carers after coming out of hospital because he feels that he doesn't really need them. He did say today that when she stays he hardly sees her. I am not downplaying her role just that it's important to be accurate.

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · 01/12/2025 23:17

I hate the horrible technique of inflicting hurt on someone then slamming the phone down so they can't reply. It's downright bullying behaviour, not speaking to you because of perceived slights is so cruel and childish, and she's transferring all the pressure on you because you're the only one easily accessible to her.

She sounds like a narcissistic bully from what you describe, I have some experience of a lesser version with my mother and its incredibly frustrating because you know even if you managed to calmly give your side to them, it won't change theirbmind or make any difference whatsoever.

If you can, try and not let it live rent free in your head, and it sounds like pushing back would just escalate things so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place :(

gallivantsaregood · 01/12/2025 23:24

MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:07

Sorry, she said what she wanted to say, then she put the phone down on me.

She didn't speak to me for 6 months when my 17 Yr old, was 1, because she was upset with me. I find that so sad, and I am worried that she wont see my boys who love to visit her.

I was shaking afterwards because I usually just do what she wants to keep the peace.

So she has a track record for emotional abuse and blackmail. Set those boundaries now, and set them hard before it's your mum who requires care! Be crystal clear, leave no room for dubiety or her own misinterpretation of anything. Do not be guilted into any decision from here on. She sounds like a very manipulative, selfish person who isn't used to not getting her own way and who expects the response of others to be ,"How high?" when she demands they jump.

Original poster
MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:28

Imisscoffee2021 · 01/12/2025 23:17

I hate the horrible technique of inflicting hurt on someone then slamming the phone down so they can't reply. It's downright bullying behaviour, not speaking to you because of perceived slights is so cruel and childish, and she's transferring all the pressure on you because you're the only one easily accessible to her.

She sounds like a narcissistic bully from what you describe, I have some experience of a lesser version with my mother and its incredibly frustrating because you know even if you managed to calmly give your side to them, it won't change theirbmind or make any difference whatsoever.

If you can, try and not let it live rent free in your head, and it sounds like pushing back would just escalate things so you're stuck between a rock and a hard place :(

Yeah, everyone gets abit annoyed with me for being a smart arse, but I love a bit of pop psychology! I have noticed many narcissistic traits. She can be a bully. She accused me of saying that she was mad! I didn't say anything like that, just questioned her version of the situation.

I hope you have made peace with your situation.

OP posts:
GTGGD · 01/12/2025 23:29

It sounds as if granddad wants to be and is independent. When your mum calms down and you next speak encourage her to leave him more to his own devices. She’s winding herself up imo and transferring the pressure to you. She’s not the only one who is bereaved here and supporting him.

Imisscoffee2021 · 01/12/2025 23:33

MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:28

Yeah, everyone gets abit annoyed with me for being a smart arse, but I love a bit of pop psychology! I have noticed many narcissistic traits. She can be a bully. She accused me of saying that she was mad! I didn't say anything like that, just questioned her version of the situation.

I hope you have made peace with your situation.

Show quote history

Ah my mums just of a generation and has felt thwarted by circumstance all her life so takes things very seriously and can be a bit of a martyr, she knows I don't abide it now. It was tricky as a teenager for sure. I'm tough now and she's slowly reigning herself in, doesn't have a good relationship with my sister however as she's not as patient as me I think 😅

Original poster
MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:34

gallivantsaregood · 01/12/2025 23:24

So she has a track record for emotional abuse and blackmail. Set those boundaries now, and set them hard before it's your mum who requires care! Be crystal clear, leave no room for dubiety or her own misinterpretation of anything. Do not be guilted into any decision from here on. She sounds like a very manipulative, selfish person who isn't used to not getting her own way and who expects the response of others to be ,"How high?" when she demands they jump.

Show quote history

You are right. I need to set the boundaries now. I haven't been totally living the life I want because I have been so careful to try and placate her. I need to put my food down, thank you.

She didn't want us to move house and made it very clear she was unhappy about it. There was an incident that actually was really upsetting as she aimed her nastiness at my 10 year old son. Why didn't I step in then? No more.

She is only in her mid 50s.

OP posts:
gallivantsaregood · 02/12/2025 06:47

MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:34

You are right. I need to set the boundaries now. I haven't been totally living the life I want because I have been so careful to try and placate her. I need to put my food down, thank you.

She didn't want us to move house and made it very clear she was unhappy about it. There was an incident that actually was really upsetting as she aimed her nastiness at my 10 year old son. Why didn't I step in then? No more.

She is only in her mid 50s.

Edited
Show quote history

I hope that you feel the weight lifting as you make those decisions and put in place those boundaries for yourself.

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2025 07:14

Why are you staying overnight? Is grandad near your mum, so only 40 minutes away? Would he come to you? What are you doing for Christmas?

Original poster
MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 07:30

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2025 07:14

Why are you staying overnight? Is grandad near your mum, so only 40 minutes away? Would he come to you? What are you doing for Christmas?

Good morning.

Grandad lives about 20 mins away from my mum. We live about 40 mins by car away from my grandad and mum.

We are staying overnight because then we won't have to get public transport back home late in the evening. It was my grandads suggestion. We can relax, have a meal together, watch tele, do a quiz or whatever and go to bed. I am actually looking forward to staying, I did stay regularly when I was young and it was the highlight of my week.

My grandad isn't keen on going out, we have invited him over, he could stay with us for christmas but he wants to comfortable at home, which I understand. He is stuck in his ways, which is fine, he has made it clear his preference. But then my mum feels the need to try and push things.

Christmas will just be us (my kids and husband) together, we have never done anything all together on Christmas day.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 07:33

I was thinking last night as I was trying to sleep. How aggressive my mum is. I have never actually said that before, but it's obvious that she is so angry and aggressive. I won't absorb her moods and bullying anymore. She makes me freeze.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 08:45

This is a message I have drafted, will you tell me if it sounds to patronising? And is it even a good idea to send it? I have tried to speak/message her before and it always feels like I have done something wrong. I think its because I am having to explain basic things to her like please respect my autonomy.

I was clear and honest that I couldn't commit to staying another day after christmas. You wouldn't respect that, you kept pushing and using guilt trips against me, thats unfair. I will keep seeing grandad as often as I can, its not up to you to organise what we are doing with our Christmas break.

You seem to have lots of problems with me, you said you have to 'bite your tongue', that I seem like the 'parent and you are the child', that I am rude to you, speak to you badly. I am not sure what you mean by this. I think you are blaming me for things that I am not responsible for. If you have something to say you should just say it, not just hint at your disapproval of me.

I don't want to fall out because of the boys. But it will be difficult if you won't speak to me and treat me with the respect I deserve.

OP posts:
Oriunda · 02/12/2025 08:55

MrsCompayson · 01/12/2025 23:07

Sorry, she said what she wanted to say, then she put the phone down on me.

She didn't speak to me for 6 months when my 17 Yr old, was 1, because she was upset with me. I find that so sad, and I am worried that she wont see my boys who love to visit her.

I was shaking afterwards because I usually just do what she wants to keep the peace.

My mother used to do this all the time. Got to the point I'd feel physically sick thinking about calling her. One day, she went too far in a spiteful, hateful message she sent. I couldn't respond, so didn't. I dropped the rope. Weeks turned into months without her calling to apologise (in her mind, she'd done nothing wrong). As those months passed, I realised just how much better I felt.

I'm 5 years NC now, and life is immeasurably better.

Swiftie1878 · 02/12/2025 09:10

MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 07:33

I was thinking last night as I was trying to sleep. How aggressive my mum is. I have never actually said that before, but it's obvious that she is so angry and aggressive. I won't absorb her moods and bullying anymore. She makes me freeze.

You need to cut her some slack. She will still be grieving her mum and feeling the pressure of looking after dad who is refusing carers.

I’m not saying you roll over to her wishes, but there’s no need to be mean about it.

Swiftie1878 · 02/12/2025 09:12

MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 08:45

This is a message I have drafted, will you tell me if it sounds to patronising? And is it even a good idea to send it? I have tried to speak/message her before and it always feels like I have done something wrong. I think its because I am having to explain basic things to her like please respect my autonomy.

I was clear and honest that I couldn't commit to staying another day after christmas. You wouldn't respect that, you kept pushing and using guilt trips against me, thats unfair. I will keep seeing grandad as often as I can, its not up to you to organise what we are doing with our Christmas break.

You seem to have lots of problems with me, you said you have to 'bite your tongue', that I seem like the 'parent and you are the child', that I am rude to you, speak to you badly. I am not sure what you mean by this. I think you are blaming me for things that I am not responsible for. If you have something to say you should just say it, not just hint at your disapproval of me.

I don't want to fall out because of the boys. But it will be difficult if you won't speak to me and treat me with the respect I deserve.

Your last paragraph sounds like a threat to remove her access to your children.
That is unkind.

frozendaisy · 02/12/2025 09:29

If you want to have an open conversation with her I would also point out that the men of the family don’t get this grief and they do fuck all, perhaps she should spread about her frustration with them as well instead of just concentrating it on you.

Original poster
MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 09:31

Swiftie1878 · 02/12/2025 09:12

Your last paragraph sounds like a threat to remove her access to your children.
That is unkind.

Show quote history

I wouldn't dream of doing that, she has cut me off for months before. When my 17year old was one, she didn't speak to me for months. Again a few years later probably about a year.

She will withdraw from us.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 09:32

Swiftie1878 · 02/12/2025 09:10

You need to cut her some slack. She will still be grieving her mum and feeling the pressure of looking after dad who is refusing carers.

I’m not saying you roll over to her wishes, but there’s no need to be mean about it.

Show quote history

In what way do you think I am being mean specifically?

OP posts:
Luckyingame · 02/12/2025 09:46

Assert your boundaries.... firmly.
You have got your own life.
That should be enough.
Raise your voice, if other adults fail to respect that.

gallivantsaregood · 02/12/2025 11:39

MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 07:33

I was thinking last night as I was trying to sleep. How aggressive my mum is. I have never actually said that before, but it's obvious that she is so angry and aggressive. I won't absorb her moods and bullying anymore. She makes me freeze.

I love that you've realised this and are taking steps to protect yourself from her!

gallivantsaregood · 02/12/2025 11:47

MrsCompayson · 02/12/2025 08:45

This is a message I have drafted, will you tell me if it sounds to patronising? And is it even a good idea to send it? I have tried to speak/message her before and it always feels like I have done something wrong. I think its because I am having to explain basic things to her like please respect my autonomy.

I was clear and honest that I couldn't commit to staying another day after christmas. You wouldn't respect that, you kept pushing and using guilt trips against me, thats unfair. I will keep seeing grandad as often as I can, its not up to you to organise what we are doing with our Christmas break.

You seem to have lots of problems with me, you said you have to 'bite your tongue', that I seem like the 'parent and you are the child', that I am rude to you, speak to you badly. I am not sure what you mean by this. I think you are blaming me for things that I am not responsible for. If you have something to say you should just say it, not just hint at your disapproval of me.

I don't want to fall out because of the boys. But it will be difficult if you won't speak to me and treat me with the respect I deserve.

Honestly from what youve saud about ger she wont absorb any of that abd is likely to cone back with sonething ridiculous like,"Well there you go. Just having a go again. I rest my case".

I don't think you'll get any peace or closure from trying to discuss with her. Id just not engage in discussion about things youre clear about. If she nentions another night with your Grandad again just,say no. Don't expand, don't provide reasons. You've done that and she doesnt hear it. If she wont let it go,tell her youre done talking a out it and are going to hang up now/leave. Take back your control. You will need to hold the boundaries and that is likely to feel quite uncomfortable to begin with. But she sounds like she's highly unlikely just to respect the boundaries you set. But do not waste time or energy attempting to argue with her. It's exhausting and a waste of time. Do not accept any guilt she tries to lay at your feet, or emotional blackmail.

Good luck. Go into 2026 strong, healthy and being kind to yourself.