Christmas visits to grandad

[MrsCompayson]

My mum is very upset with me because I won't commit to two days visiting my grandad over Christmas. She has asked me a few times, over text and just now on the phone.

We have agreed to go over(me, husband, kids 10,14,17) and stay over for one day before Christmas, husband is a teacher and my 17 year old won't finish till the 19th then its her birthday on the 20th. We home ed the other kids(10,14)

We are looking forward to staying over but my mum is trying to get me to agree to stay another day. My wonderful nan passed away Feb 2024, so he is on his own.

She stays over a few days a week herself and I understand that she might feel pressured but she is now attempting to put pressure on me. My brother doesn't see her much or my grandad at all. Her brother isn't involved. I feel she is trying to compensate by asking me and my family to stay. We are as busy as any other family of 5 at Christmas with a Christmas birthday in the mix.

She asked via text, I didn't commit. Then rang me this evening upset that I hadn't asnwered her text yet, one was sent yesterday evening, the other from 5.30 or so tonight. I was just having a sit down!

I tried to assert my boundaries politely.I told her we were busy/ I had had a full on day with home ed, she said something along the lines of 'oh well, of thats how you see it'.

Then it all became difficult. No swearing or anything like that just unpleasant.

She was very annoyed when I said I can't commit to a second day. She really let rip, saying she is always having to hold her tongue around me. To be honest I can't really remember what she said, more or less just hinting that she has so many problems with me. I am so difficult and cold that she is always holding her tongue. She is always disappointed in me, never anything nice to say. I am 38 for God's sake!

I believe this is emotional abuse and I find it to hard to deal with. Obviously this has happened countless times before, but not for a while. I have tried to keep the peace. I can't even remember what was said afterwards.

For reference I take the boys over to see my grandad once a week.

We have moved away recently from close to her to about 40 min away. She feels that it's too far to come visit us. We don't drive.

AIBU?

Well done! 🥰

❤️

Thank you, you are right. Its best not to waste anymore time trying to explain myself to her.

My brother is low/no contact so I do feel abit sad for her. She is pushing everyone away then blaming it on them.

I have a much younger sister who is still living at home with her and my stepdad. I imagine it is difficult for her but have noticed recently that she has started to overstep boundaries as well. Making comments about my life for example, she is mimicking my mums behaviour. Considering she is so much younger than me it feels odd. She has obviously picked up on the vibe that I am a bit of a scapegoat/easy target.

My mum doesn't talk to my brother like this. He has two young kids that she had hardly seen. My sister has no expectations placed on her, she is in uni, works part time and can drive. I think my mums view is that she is young and carefree and she shoud be able to enjoy her life and do what she wants. Interestingly when I was her age I had to babysit her regularly. I was guilt tripped in the same way she is trying on me now, if I said no.

My stepdad called me a selfish bastard for not cancelling my plans when I was in uni.

So I think if she hasn't changed her tactics in all those years, if she hasnt mellowed and matured she won't now will she?

Thanks you for the good wishes x

Its funny, my nan had regular fallings out with her, my nan didn't take any rubbish. I miss her so much. My grandad is very aware of upsetting her as well. He describes her a 'getting a weed on' and tries to avoid it.

He said it's nice having her company but he doesn't really see her when she stays and that often she clears his cup of tea away before he has had chance to drink it!

As well, I was supposed to go over to see him today. But my daughter was sent home from collage ill yesterday.

She is off ill again today and I didn't want to leave her in the house all day on her own.

Before the big 'kick off' during last night's phone call, my mum didn't ask how she was, she was just disappointed that I wouldn't be over to see him. Complaining that I wouldn't be able to tell her till the following morning if I definitely was not able to go. She was insistent I told her as soon as possible.

I texted her before to let her know she is still ill in bed, no reply.

You're the eldest daughter. Plenty of mums treat the eldest daughter like crap and don't expect half the obedience, help and "family duty" (plus guilt) from the boys or younger girls that they do from the eldest girl. Stand firm - it is entirely normal to prioritise your own household.

Sounds like a win to me.

I don’t think you have been, I’m just saying there is no need to make this a confrontation.
Try killing her with kindness, perhaps.
Ask if she’s OK. Is she feeling the pressure of caring for her dad? Is she missing her mum?

Then say, that you feel for her and will support as much as you can, but what she’s asking for is too much for Christmas. Offer to stay again in the New Year perhaps? Just give her some light in what I imagine is a dark place for her right now.

You must be a very good person. I would ideally like to be that kind but it just feels so difficult when she is so aggressive. I have my husbands and kids need to consider as well. He is always so tired and grumpy at the beginning of the holidays and doesn't want me dictating what we are doing each day.

No advice but my Mum does this exact thing to me every time I disappoint her. Last time she stopped speaking to me for three months last year because I didn’t invite her to something she said she definitely didn’t want to come to when I’d mentioned it. Because she didn’t speak to me, she didn’t speak to her grandchildren either. I always have to apologise to get back in her good books, which I did this time for the sake of the children.

As I said, I’ve no advice, but it does feel awful. I moved out when I was 17 to get away from it as she destroyed my self esteem.

All of our family and friends think she is amazing but I know the truth.

I find it helpful to imagine the angry person has a script, that they expect you to follow. If you diverge in any way they go nuts. There is no point arguing with the script, or trying to explain why what you are doing is reasonable. You are just a character in the script.
Techniques I use on phone when I sense a rant coming on…
”Oh is that the time I’ve got to go- speak soon”
Nasty texts- ignore, or neutral response- “Noted”, “Understood” but don’t argue back. This takes a lot of control!

Or if you are with them and a rant is starting…
” if you keep shouting/being rude(substitute behaviour). I will go out for a walk “. Then if they carry on, leave. You can come back in 5 mins, change topic. Or come back next day. Or in two weeks time! Or don’t answer at all but just leave the room with a made up excuse pre prepared- I’ve just remembered I need to clean my teeth! Anything.

i am getting better at this with a difficult relationship in my family…. but I still get stung occasionally!

I understand. It’s really hard. You have to do what you need to do. I’m just trying to suggest a way to take the aggression out of the situation and for everyone to feel heard.

You are living this though, so do what you can to protect your peace. Good luck 🩵

She needs to stop this but won’t which means you’ll probably arrive at a point (I did) where you say enough’s enough. My MiL put pressure on me not to be NC but I was adamant as I really couldn’t cope with such unreasonableness. Three months of withdrawal ensured I was treated with far more respect. I recommend it.

Are you a fan of “Great Expectations” OP? If so, I am too.

Yes I am, you spotted my name x

My nan loved it as well, she would always watch the black and white film adaptation at Christmas.

It’s my favourite novel and perfect for Christmas. 🤶

You were rude in not replying. Not committing to two days is fine but not replying is cold and distant.

Just say you have your own commitments and you can only do one day

Thanks everyone.

My mum is not speaking to me currently but you know, it feels quite ok!

We have been thinking about getting the rooms ready and planning what nice things we are going to have to eat and drink. We are looking forward to it.

Merry Christmas 🎅

Excellent! Enjoy the festivities in peace!