To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids!
Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

When you make a new family you make a responsibility for the entre family not just the biological

If your partner bought a dog along would you refuse to feed it.

Well it is panto season and evil step parents to be expected I suppose

Why though? It’s not my problem my husbands ex only works part time and earns a quarter of what I do?!

@ukathleticscoach There is no legal financial responsibility for any step-parent.

I get that. But your point is people should financially provide for their own children and it's unreasonable if they expect step parents to, but others have the view that you should spend time with your children and look after them rather than expecting step parents to. In order to do one, you sacrifice the other. You're still relying on your step parent to do things for your kids, just in time rather than money. So you're using their resources. Some people would rather use their step parents money so they can spend more time with their kids as time is the valuable resource, and when your kids are older you might find they would have preferred your time. It's a balance of your priorities as with all things in life.

Also, I'm still interested to know what happens if relationship breaks down. Does the step-parent continue to be financially responsible for the stepchildren?

@Stressystressylemonzesty As in your ex thinks you should still financially support stepchildren?

@Mrsnothingthanks i think you are conflating two separate things - what is legally required and what is optional and what people chose to do

what bothers you so much that people chose to do things differently? That not everyone follows your views in life.

some people believe that marriage is a partnership and you take on and support what the other brings

does your husband ever spend time with your sons? Or are they always separate

I always find these threads a bit triggering, as the oldest child of a bitter divorce where both parents remarried, had kids with someone else and both stepparents pushed me out of the close family unit in favour of their own children. My half-siblings will all benefit from inheritances that I won't get, and my childhood/teenage years were marred by arguments (and a court case) about who actually had to support me financially. Both stepparents begrudged any of their earnings in any way being spent on me, which was a problem seeing as both sets of parents had joint accounts.

Blended families are shit for the bio kids who ended up being cuckooed out of the nest.

It's a very weird quirk with CMS that a person is considered financially responsible for children that live with them for the purposes of reduction, but their income is not considered when calculating CM for their partner. But there's a lot of quirks with CMS and overall it's a very badly designed system which does not encourage positive coparenting.

I think it’s an odd way to think, to a certain extent you are responsible for everything to do with your husband financially, it’s shared resources, even if you don’t manage it that way.

If your relationship is this transactional you might want to look at that.

You marry into the family it becomes one family - all children equal

It depends entirely on the family and the resources available to all of the adults/children. I would have no issue providing for my SC financially as we are all part of one family. However, can see why, for example, if a stepchild had two bio parents who both have sufficient access to money/resources, stepparent may be reluctant to contribute, particularly if they don't have the means to do so.

But it doesn't, because the children still have two families. It will never be equal.

@Mangelwurzelfortea Sorry to hear that. What was the court take on it?

@Mrsnothingthanks Not to highjack the thread - but I had an instance where a single Mum friend asked me to be Godmother to her child (the child's father didn't ever pay anything towards his DC and moved countries)... but then my friend wanted/expected me to financially contribute to her child's education/life/home costs. She asked me to be Godmother after my DH died, so I think she thought I had money to burn. I didn't.

I don't really provide financially for my stepchildren - why would I? I have mine own to provide for and they have two more than adequate parents, why do they need a third? If they need clothes, school uniforms, clubs, activities etc it's not coming out of my pocket, their mum and dad pay for this, as they should.

That said, they live with us 50/50 and it's my house and I pay majority of the bills as the higher earner and do all the groceries etc so they are benefiting in that way.

Spot on. Absolutely. They fool themselves and also lie 'it is no problem for the children' and 'he/she makes no difference between my child and our child'. Yeah, right. At least have the decency to say 'I want to get married, have another chance at happiness and my happiness comes first, my children come second'.

I think this is very personal to each family. My DH has never questioned his responsibility to my children that I had prior to meeting him. They don't see their bio dad (his choice) and his contribution financially and practically in their lives has been woeful to say the least. We are really lucky to have such a wonderful man in our lives.

Every family situations should be evaluated on it's own merits, there are too many variables to have a one size firs all.

My DC were teens when I met my DH, he doesn't have any children of his own.

I generally pay for my kids, I buy their shoes, clothes, when we go on holidays I pay their share. I pay more for food and energy. I am also the higher earner, almost double my husband so for our family, this feels fair.

If DH was the high earner and he had a child, I would expect all children treated the same, regardless who was paying for that. All children of the household should be treated fairly, regardless of how the adults decide to facilitate that.

The story usually ends with Cinderella moving out, so we don't know, but it is reasonable to presume that step-parents continue to "care" for step-children in the same manner, i.e. not at all.

Its not black and white though is it and all families are different. Of course there is no legal obligation but most obligations within a family are moral ones.

I am in similar scenerio to you OP and that I have 2 children from previous relationship and 1 joint with my DH. I was the higher earner for the majority of them growing up, so I paid a higher proportion of things anyway and so you could see that as me taking 100% financial responsibility of my older children.
But how would that work if you (or I) were not the higher earner - would you think it ok for you to struggle to pay for things for your own children when the joint child gets what ever they want/need from DH because they are 'their' child and on a matter of principle?

I personally couldn't be in a relationship where the children were not treated equally. Again I suppose easy for me to say as DH doesn't have any kids that are not mine - though if you asked him he would very much tell you that he has 3 children. We have spent many years as a family and he has done all the stuff for 'my' kids that he has done for 'ours'.

It depends on the family and circumstances.
You are sounding too rigid in your belief system, maybe because it works for you. But what if you dh was financially very stable while your ex had an addiction, in that scenario should there be a rigid belief that only biological parents are responsible so dh shouldn’t help even if children need it. How can you love your step kids, and see them in deprived condition because their biological parents should be financially responsible?

No my DCs father (ex) thinks my partner should pay for things for our shared children.

You are so right, this is how it should be, but it never is.

This doesn't work for lower income families. Mum, stepdad both work full time minimum wage jobs and have 3 kids between them for example. The benefit system takes all income into account and calculates financial assistance on those figures. So step dads income reduces the amount recieved, but he doesn't have to contribute as they aren't his kids?
So in your world, only high income families have the privilege of blending .