To think stepparents should not be financially responsible for other people's children?

[Mrsnothingthanks]

That's just it really. I'm married. My husband is only financially responsible for our daughter, not my other children. Why should he be? Not his kids!
Surprises me on MN that others think stepparents should assume financial responsibility for kids that aren't theirs!

I do think it’s different when you have shared children too. We do not.

But no, I don’t pay for his golf, he doesn’t pay for my horse and if me and their dad couldn’t afford their hobbies, they simply wouldn’t be able to do them.

Ok but what about for example a single mum on benefits. When she married she's likely to lose them. So it's expected for the new husband to pay for her kids?

I think it depends on the individual circumstances. My partner and I both work full time and earn roughly the same amount, he has a son from a previous relationship who we have 50% and we have a son together. We have separate finances and joint expenses are split 50:50, mortgage, bills, food, holidays, days out etc so in respect to those I financially contribute. I wouldn’t expect to contribute if DSS needed new clothing, wanted to take up a hobby, pocket money, school dinner money etc. I put some savings aside for DSS but less than DS and this is my choice not an expectation.

Well, yeah. If marrying him causes her financial hardship that she wouldn’t have but for marrying him, why shouldn’t he contribute?

All sounds nice on paper, especially since you are the higher earner.
But imagine you were the lower earner, and you had more kids with your new husband and he spoils the children you share together, while your children look on sadly because their parents couldn't afford a nice new bike?
This would cause resentment and hatred and accusations of favouritism.
Then what would you say?
Sorry, your father is poor and their father is well off?
In your situation perhaps it works, but don't assume that's the case for every blended family.
Just like you pay more for your household because you are the higher earner
In many cases the step father simply pays more because he can.
And sometimes because he has a genuine bond with the children as well as loving their mum.
Would you genuinely be happy if your partner was rich and you were struggling and he wouldn't even buy your kids new shoes? Because they're yours
what's the point of being in a relationship?

DP is actually the only person who financially provides for my eldest DS who isn't biologically his. I'm a SAHM to our two children. His bio dad doesn't pay us anything.

He chose DS, the deal was if he wanted to be Part of our fsmily he was part of our fsmily entirely. DS doesn't currently see his dad due to safeguarding concerns, but when he was DP was still, for all intents and purposes, his dad when DS was home. He's entirely equally responsible for DSs upbringing and welfare. He chose to be his parent, quite frankly I think that holds more weight than having unprotected sex.

@sunshinestar1986 Even if my husband was a millionaire, I am still financially responsible for any biological children - not him. This of course applies in the same way to my childrens' biological father. He could offer of course, but ultimately that's my legal obligation and not his.
Whilst I totally appreciate that there are some fathers who are completely absent, this still doesn't mean that a step-parent should be expected to assume financial responsibility.
The reason I work more days than my husband (and quite rightly so) is that I have three children and he has one. So of course the expectation should be on me to earn enough to cover additional expenses.
And supposing the blended family doesn't work, for whatever reason, what happens ro the children then? Does the step-parent continue to be expected to financially support their stepchildren? I would assume not, so.what happens in that scenario?

@Solost92 Do you mean your son's biological dad didn't chose to be his parent? Sorry - confused.

And in that case what's HER contribution to HER OWN CHILDREN

The money remaining from her job and benefits after marriage? Childcare savings due to her part time working or being a stay at home parent?

I am not suggesting marrying someone then making them solely financially responsible for your children whilst you contribute nothing.

All I am saying is that marriage is a big deal, something you shouldn’t do lightly and, to me, means taking on a person and their dependents and being a family together. Why should the children living in the household not be subsidised by both parent and step parent when they would subsidise each other in the event of job loss/illness?

If you don’t want to subsidise non bio kids, then don’t marry a parent!

@Mrsnothingthanks yiu view sounds very transactional very much people have to put in proportions etc

whereas I agree it shouldn’t be expected and certainly not by the state and I suspect you find the idea that his income will be taken into account for any university stuff abhorrent that doesn’t mean it has to be

not all relationships work on such a transactional basis

@Lmnop22 Or marry a parent who accepts the financial responsibility of their own children is yours and not theirs? I don't want or need subsidising by anyone.

It’s not about needing it or not. It’s not about money. It’s just about being a family and WANTING to provide for every member of the family.

Just my opinion, if your way works for you then fab!

@Lmnop22 I can see that, if works for you, if both parties are providing of course.

I personally think if you love the person then the children are apart of them naturally you should love them too , yes I feel a step parent should provide along with the parent/s what ever the child needs , and a child should never think ... I can't ask my step parent for that , as im not his / her child what a horrible way for the child to feel , and causing a devide straight off , would be healthy .
They day the step parent falls in love with a parent and chooses to spend his or her life with them , is the day they become a parent also .... or maybe dont date single parents if you dont want the responsibility of a family life and all it entails

Thank god my dp hasn’t taken this stance with me or the family could feel very divided. Given I’m on mat leave with our shared child, and so on a reduced pay, yes I should think he should help provide for my eldest who isn’t his, given I have taken resources away from my eldest to raise our shared child. We operate as a family, everything is shared. My dp treats my eldest as his own, my eldest adores him. We have a happy family home life, I think things would be different if I had to separate everything into “my kid” and “our kid” boxes.

I bet he has

That all sounds one sided

To me this is a family. A family where the children are loved and cared for without negotiation and calculation.

I think the OP has some IRL axe to grimd she isn't telling us about

@Roseshavethorns Personally, I think it's really not OK not to work at all and expect a step-parent to fully fiancially support a child or children who are not biologically theirs. To me that's not fulfilling your duty as a bio parent and taking advantage of a step-parent. My own view.

Also, what happens in the case above if the relationship breaks down with the step-parent?

But her husband doesn't have childcare costs does he? If she's a SAHM then she doesn't have childcare costs. Would you be happy for pay for someone else to stay at home with kids that are not yours? I certainly wouldn't. She may not get any benefits after marriage

But that always keeps a line between bio and step parent. In some families that goes and the step parent becomes a parent in all but biology.

In your household there is and always will be a divide and some don’t want that

What does what others do matter? People are different and do things differently and as long as everyone is happy what does it matter

personally I find your viewpoint depressing

I think it works for you OP because you, your ex and your partner sound like good earners, and there’s not two ‘sets’ of children.

If your new partner had his own children with a low earning ex, the situation would be different.