I’m finally brave enough to get a restraining order… BUT

[NeedingASafeSpace]

He is threatening me with all sorts.

he’s saying how I’ll lose my kids. How he can prove that I abused him in front of his children. How he’s going to tell my council I stayed at his place while I am living in temporary accommodation (he pressured me to as he accused me of texting other men when I stayed alone). He was screaming down a voice note saying how I’ll cause loads of “shit” he text my dad saying “sort your daughter out before she causes shit”. I told him he cannot discuss our DS amicably without trying to control me (he rang me and told me how he’s so over me and has had anal sex with a woman and slept with others since me when there was no mention of anything to do with us and I tried to only talk about my son) he tried dictating to me when he would have my son and I my son isn’t even 2. I can’t deal with this. He harasses my dads phone about me and slanders me on social media calling me controlling when it’s him who’s the big bully!
finally I have snapped and told him he cannot discuss our take me to court to see our son. He lost it(his temper)
I told him how he’s had physically attacked me in front of my son screamed at me in front of him and ripped my things from my hands etc showing him that’s acceptable and I am not having it. I said he’s out of control and I want him no where near my son. He’s threatening me so much.

Definitely get the restraining order. Abusive twats like that don't give a shit about their kids. It's all about trying to control you, which it seems like you know that. Log every single call, text, voice note so you've got evidence for the police of all the threats. Don't let him scare you into backing down. And well done for getting away from him and keeping your little one safe😊

Restraining orders don’t work . These men are so deranged with anger they ignore them . Everytime the person I knew who had one called the police to say he’d been around threatening and damaging the house all they said was she needs proof / evidence. It was really hard and she lived in fear .

A huge well done for finding the strength to take action. Please keep putting one foot in front of another.

If he is like this, can you make a few preparations beforehand about your personal security? A recording doorbell, replacement locks etc. Someone to move
in for a few days?

Anyway, your very first job is to tell yourself today and every day from now on is “I’m not believing a word he says. Just because he yells something, doesn’t mean it’s true “.

Hang on

It's the right course of action here

Do it OP

Block

Avoid

You do not need to be in contact with this pos

Solicitor for contact only

So sorry xxxxxxx

Tell your dad to block his number
remove him from your social media
stop engaging with him
let him take you to court
claim child maintenance
get your home as secure as you can

and get that restraining order!!

ive told my dad to block
he isn’t in my social media he’s blocked but im being told about his posts
he said he won’t take me to court (he’d never get access he’s too much of a criminal)
he’s threatened to turn up at my flat but he can’t get in the secured building thankfully. I’m genuinely scared he got to escalate.

I can’t help but wonder if my son going to hate me for cutting his dad out?

How bloody unhelpful, dangerous and WRONG. What's your problem?!

You make the decision that's safest for your son. He won't benefit from being exposed to the harm caused by his father.

I’m not sure it is wrong though? I’ve also known this to happen, it’s realistic to say that whilst an order is worth having, things can still be difficult afterwards.

Restraining orders can work. If breaches are reported every time then prison is highly likely. Where they are more problematic is where contact is initiated by the person who took out the restraining order in the first place, don't fall into that trap.

Keep ALL his messages. Have you got anything where he acknowledges he was violent? And if not, can you get it? Like if you just mention it will he maybe say "yeah but you made me do that by nagging" or something? Get all the evidence you can, and get the restraining order. Be brave x

I have a voicenote where he acknowledges he gave me a black eye when I was pregnant and says that it was an accident and said if anyone in my family questions him he would use violence against them. Other than that when wedicuss his actions he grabs my phone off me and takes it off me (or he did) to make sure I don’t record for evidence. He usually broke it after he got it too x

Record everything he does and says and report report . In my case the order worked and they went and got him at 4am and it stopped . Then I started my recovery

I’m no contact with him. He’s blocked on everything and I’ve told him to not contact me or my family and he is to go through court to get access to my DS. Not that he will. I am going to look into a restraining order today while I work from home. Can I ask, if he then goes on to report me to social services like he’s said he will (for who knows what. I have never done anything to harm my children) then will they take the restraining order in to account and can I report him for further harassment?

I’m sure there’s no chance of this. My dc is grown up now and totally gets why I had to leave.

You and your family need to download call recording apps and keep evidence of EVERYTHING. Every single scrap of info will be useful to show a pattern of cooking and awful behaviour going forward.

he’s being such a twat never he realises he’s losing his grip on you, this is a last ditch attempt to rein you back in. Stay strong and stay far the fuck away from him. Do not query about your children and as etc, get rich him while saving all of this evidence and DO NOT RETALIATE

That's hardly the same thing as saying 'restraining orders don't work'
I've worked with many women who have had perpetrators jailed for breaches of restraining orders. They don't work by themselves, obviously, but breaching them is a criminal offence and they are part of the toolkit to protect women and children. Telling a woman not to bother because they don't work is extremely irresponsible.

I think it will be a non molestation order you'll be applying for - a restraining order can only be granted after a conviction.
If he reports you to social services then you tell them all the things that he has done and how this is a further attempt to abuse and control you. They have heard it all before, they won't be shocked or disbelieve you. Don't let that be a barrier for you to report it.

Get a couple of cheap cameras they do give a little sense of security.

Nope. He will be relieved that he does not have to deal with this violent man. And I tell you that as a child of a violent man who threaten my mother with social services.

Go to the police today. Your son will be thankful in years to come.

You mean you're still seeing him in person? I think you should stop that straight away - he could use it to claim you're not really scared of him and so on.

Make a police report today.

As a former magistrate I agree that both the courts and social services have seen it all before. Nothing this man is doing or threatening is new and they will have the measure of him. It’s just men like him don’t realise how ‘un-unique’ they are.

Save texts, take pictures of injuries etc, etc. - as others have said, gather evidence as it makes it easier for them to help you. Especially if he does this stuff in front of your child - that is an aggravating factor.

Abusers threatening social services is very common, don’t let it spook you - it is just him trying to control you and whilst if he goes to them they will be in touch, it will probably end up helping you not him (which in the end, why he hs likely not to do it).

No am I bloody heck sorry it’s how I’ve worded it. I feel like I’m still in the present but no I’m definitely not seeing him in person. He’s blocked and been told to not contact me my family or family friends in fact here’s the text that I sent (before he called me 16 times off no caller ID until I informed him the calls would further strengthen my case if he didn’t stop. He then stopped):

“Do not pick [child name] up from nursery Wednesday. You will have to go through court to see him. You’re a controlling and a bully. You’re in and out of his life when you feel like it. You scream in front of him abuse me by physically tackling me to the floor had in him tears and screamed at me while you had hold of him. I have witnesses from [DD] party too. Do not collect him. Do not contact me. Do not contact my family and a letter WILL be through your door however long it takes. Don’t contact any of my family or family friends about me. You have it in writing.”

when I answered my no caller ID to tell him to stop he told me how I was out of order for stopping contact and it wasn’t fair on DS. I think it is reasonable. He doesn’t seem like he puts his relationship first, rather only use him to dictate my ability to have freedom.