To think my husband should be more compassionate and allow me to not feel Christmassy this year

[Timmystime]

This year has been fairly awful for me, I appreciate that in most ways I am incredibly lucky, I am healthy, I have a husband who is wonderful most of the time, 3 gorgeous children and generally a very happy life. However this year my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She isn’t old, only just turned 40, first diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and was then in remission only to find out it has spread and is incurable.
She has 2 children, twins who are 4. She tried so hard for her babies, miscarriages, multiple rounds of failed IVF before finally getting her rainbow babies. I know it’s what everyone says, and no one deserves to be ill, but I genuinely just can’t help but feel it’s so cruel for it to be her. She is receiving chemotherapy and will then have radiation therapy but it’s been made very clear that this is just buying her more time and it’s very possible she may not see next Christmas. She is devastated, she like most mothers absolutely adores her children, she is an incredible mum and she cannot wrap her head around the reality that she isn’t going to see them grow up after trying so hard to have them. Also for my poor BIL who is beyond devastated and now facing the reality that he will have to raise his children alone, without the person he loves and adores.
We don’t live locally so I haven’t been able to visit or see her much but over the weekend we decided to take a late train on Friday and come back on Sunday. She is currently in hospital as the chemo has made her very unwell, unable to eat or drink and keep it down. She has spent much of the last 2 years in hospital, and much the rest of the time weak at home. She wasn’t able to take her children to their first day of school, attend parents evening, likely won’t make it to their first nativity.
I absolutely broke when we arrived at the hospital for visiting time, my children who are 4, 6 snd 9 were understandably nervous and anxious. I think really this is how children should be at a hospital, it’s a big place that they shouldn’t be familiar with, where lots of adults are emotional, anxious or unwell. I noticed my niece and nephew however weren’t anxious, and why would they be, for the last 2 years of their life visiting their mummy in hospital has been as normal as going to the soft play or visiting nanny and grandad. My lovely little niece announced quite proudly when we arrived to the hospital “everyone follow me I know the way to mummy’s room”. I had to step aside and cry.
I know they aren’t the only children in this situation and many children are all too familiar with hospitals either due to their own health or their family members and my heart breaks for every single one of them, carrying realities that are just far too heavy for their little shoulders. Even just the nurses on the ward knowing my niece and nephew by name broke me.
Then just seeing my sister, weak, hardly able to speak, desperately trying to tell my children how big they’ve gotten.

When we got home last night DH wanted to put the Christmas tree up, he wanted to cheer up our children who were obviously feeling quite out of sorts, and I agreed. I tried to join in, be part of the magic but the whole time all I could think is gosh my sister isn’t going to get this with her children. I just don’t feel Christmassy, life is feeling very cruel and I just don’t know how to turn off my sadness, I want to be happy for my children and enjoy every moment of the life I’m so lucky to have but I don’t know how to.

All day DH has been telling me I need to cheer up, my sister would hate to know I’m not enjoying my family, but I can’t, I don’t know how to.

AIBU to wish he would just be a bit more compassionate, of course I’m going to do all the things to make Christmas magical for my children this year but it will all be tinged with sadness and while I will try to protect them from that, I can’t just shoo it away when every fun activity I get to do with my children is just a reminder of every activity my sister is missing with hers.

You poor love. No wonder you're not feeling it. I think you need to tell him how it is. He might be thinking he's helping by cheering you along (and some people do like the reminder to enjoy your own family, though I would be like you and would find it upsetting). Maybe he needs to carry the responsibility for the children a bit extra this year so you can just take things a bit more quietly?

I'm so sorry op.

I agree with the pp...it's up to your dh to step up and make the effort for your DC while you try to process everything that's happening.

I’m so sorry, OP.

It sounds like your DH doesn’t know how to act and doesn’t like seeing you down so has gone into a bit of a “fix it” mode by trying to cheer you up. Do you feel that he isn’t being compassionate? Or do you think that maybe he just doesn’t want to see you upset?

I think either way you need to sit down with and explain everything and just say you need a bit of space this year

Yes I don’t think he’s being intentionally mean or inconsiderate, he’s very much a fake it until you make it type of person, I’m sure he thinks seeing me sad is heartbreaking and just wants to cheer me up, I’m just not sure I can even with the best intentions.

This is so hard as on the one hand, you need to put a brave face on for the kids yet on the other, you want to break into pieces. Your sh needs to be a bit more jolly for the pair of you.

Oh my goodness OP that is just heartbreaking. Just so awful. Life really does deal out some blows.

Of course you are sad. Your H really needs to understand you can't magic a Chrismassy feeling up when obviously you are trying to cope with this sad sad situation.

I'm just so sorry.

He needs to step up and be Mr. Christmas this year. DH's dad died at Christmas when my DC were very young - I did it all that year as DH was busy with his dad. That is what your DH needs to do now

You’re allowed to be sad, OP, this is heartbreaking. Neither is your DH unreasonable, it does unfortunately fall to him to be the cheerful one at the moment.

I wonder if you might be able to find a counsellor/therapist to talk this through with.

Take care

I know why you feel the way you do. It is incredibly difficult to put those feelings to one side to feel jolly and festive. As much as that is the norm for your sister you are probably subconsciously also grieving the childhood Christmases you had and so on.

Like your sister I have a terminal diagnosis, hopefully I'll see another Christmas with my children they are 4 & 6 similar to your neice and nephew. For me I would want to try and focus my grief in helping them to have a special Christmas as much as possible by focusing on the now and not what they won't be getting time wise. Yes your sister will miss out on future festivities with her children but at present she is here. Maybe speak with the ward where she is and see what you can send. Can you send some decorations or some easy festive games that they can play together. Help make their last Christmas count if you can.

Sometimes life is utterly horribly cruel.
I can see why your DH is trying to jolly things along for you. Don't be too hard on him.
Its hard, I know, I lost my sister to cancer around Christmas 5 years ago and I miss her terribly.
All I can add is try and make your Dsis's final days full of love and make memories for the family
Im so sorry 🩷

How sad for you.

I also see your husband’s side as he and the children especially deserve a happy time too.

I’m so sorry 😔. Your poor sister and her family. I think people like your husband think they’re helping but people should be allowed to feel sad without being told off. It’s legitimate. It’s not like you’re sad about something silly. It’s understandable that it’s going to hit you at different moments.

I actually think this is a good opportunity (sorry but every cloud and all that) to model to your children how we deal with difficult times. We name it, take care of each other, and then we try to make the best of it. No, you are not going to wallow all Xmas in tears thinking of your sister, but neither are you going to pretend that this is a happy joyful Xmas like any other. It isn't.
I would explain to your DC, with your DH support, that you are feeling very sad this Xmas because their DA is so poorly. Think of some special things you can do together, like make her homemade cards, or a video message. Can you have the cousins over for a special play date/sleepover?

But don't pretend there's nothing wrong - your DC9 especially needs to see that your family can name emotions.

So sorry OP. I think it's ok that you and your husband see this differently, neither of you are wrong. I pray you have a peaceful Christmas.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister, OP. I think DH is just trying to make things 'better' and he needs to understand that some things you can't just make better.

My son is one of the children all too familiar with hospital, he was diagnosed with cancer last year and is now home and in remission but 2024 was our awful year. He was admitted in March 2024 and didn't come home until January 2025! He had so many complications and that was before the chemotherapy and what comes with that too so he had be an inpatient the whole time. He spent his 9th birthday and Christmas in hospital last year.

Cancer is so bloody cruel and you know what? Yes, you are lucky that you will get this time with your children but it's also absolutely fine to be pissed off with the world too because it isn't fair. I have similar feelings about Christmas this year, I feel so lucky and grateful that my son is here and in remission but I also feel sad for the parents out there who will be spending it in hospital with their children or sadly, no longer having their child with them.

Massive hugs to you xxx

That was hard even to read OP, it must be horrific. You can't just switch off your feelings because it's a particular time of year. I think DH is being insensitive but I'm sure thinks he is trying to help. That's the problem with grief isn't it, people respond differently and don't know even themselves how they will be. DH booked something for me as a surprise weeks after watching a family member die slowly so I was physically and mentally wiped out, and he thought an adrenaline fuelled challenging event overseas would distract me. Even now years later I still get angry when i think of how stupid it was. I can only take his word that he thought it was a good idea because it's what he would want in my shoes. I'm guessing it's same with your Dh, he would cope by enjoying his kids and celebrating Christmas so he can't see that's not the right thing for you. It's really difficult for everyone, try not to be too angry with him. I'm really sorry for what's going on.

So sorry OP. Agree with the OP with lived experience - how can you support your sister this Christmas- and beyond. Explain to your husband (and children) that Christmas will be a bit different this year because you want and need to prioritise your sister.
You may find you feel stronger when you’re actively helping than being far away and feeling upset and helpless

I totally agree. He's probably side swiped too!

I'm sorry to hear this OP. I understand fully how you feel here. I've recently lost my mum after 5 years of battling a rare terminal cancer and the relentless time in hospitals/ hospices is just horrendous. My dad and I are trying not to think about Christmas (I've no other siblings) but it feels like my wife and the entire family won't stop banging on about Christmas and how excited they are, when I'd rather just hibernate and pretend it's not happening.

I’m sorry, @Oioiqueen , what a hard place to be living. 💐

OP, both you and your DH are right. You need to process what’s happening and will struggle with being festive. AND you need to keep going through the motions with your own family.

What that means is that your DH drives the festive fun and maintains the activities with you DC, and you do your best to keep joining in. That means getting involved with the tree, and dashing to the loo for a quick cry, washing your face, and getting back to it.

After my dad had his terminal diagnosis, we had two Christmases when I was hosting my ILs. We did all the usual things, celebrated in all the usual ways. There was a back up plan for the food in case I was called away. I banned the ILs from the kitchen so I could go and have a weep in there while ‘making the tea’.

You will be sad. You will struggle. And that’s ok. Just let your DH keep the wagons rolling and join in as much as you can. Don’t stop trying to join in. 💐

The PP nails it- neither of you are wrong. You do need to manage your emotions in front of your children. Tbh crying (breaking down?) at the hospital with them and your nieces there really wasn’t great…I know it’s hard but that kind of makes it all about you and makes things harder for everyone else too. Of course it is heartbreaking but your sister and her family have no choice but to face this head on and make the most of it. I feel for her so very much and honestly am annoyed that her medical staff haven’t suggested she looks at quality of life over maximising time as she is missing out on so much with her children that I think she’s been badly advised tbh.
Anyway- I think if you can try to allow yourself set times to feel your feelings and maybe have a time carved out to safely cry or journal or anything that helps but then your other time is spent putting the brave face on and faking it for the kids. By all means explain to them you are sad by this situation, but also that you are happy to be there and having festive fun when you are with them doing nice things. Or just cuddle up to watch Xmas movies and let yourself get distracted by the here and now.
It truly is awful and please don’t think I don’t have compassion for you and your whole family- but it is what it is and ruining your own Christmas won’t change that for anyone.

I'm so sorry OP. That's dreadful news. You and your sister and family will be in my thoughts. I hope you all manage to find a way to celebrate the time you have together.

Neither you nor your H are wrong. Talk to him - tell him you know you need to put a brave face on for your children, and that him trying to keep some normality going is good. However, you will need bits of time away, where you can let the mask drop, and you can be sad, or worried or angry, without worrying about the kids seeing you. Those are the times he needs to step in to jolly them along whilst Mummy is busy doing something else for a little bit, but she'll be back shortly.

Talk to each other. Tell him what you need. He sounds like he is trying to help.

I’m sorry you are going through this OP and my heart breaks for your sister and her family. I have cancer and have had to face the possibility of not being able to be there for my son it’s devastating.

I strongly disagree with a PP who said you should not be crying in front of the kids and was actually told by a paediatrician, not to apologise for crying in front of mine when explaining a traumatic event we had been through. he said it’s so important we do it as it’s modelling that feelings are manageable , come and go and are not something to be feared. Of course you wiill have meltdowns at times and will want to be away from them to go through thatI’m sure, but children do not need us to mask normal healthy emotions and crying. For something like this crying is natural, healthy and appropriate. Also once you have cried the pressure is released a bit and you naturally find equilibrium.
is your husband uncomfortable with sadness? If so it might be worth discussing this if you can.

@Oioiqueen i just want to send you love and think your words are incredible wise

Neither of you are necessarily wrong. He can focusing on making joy for the children BUT you both also need to focus on supporting your sister.

Is part of your annoyance at him like he’s trying to sweep it under the carpet? Cheering your children up but not doing anything to help your neices?

Something subtle in your post made me think there is some guilt within you. Maybe explore that and consider how generous you can be with time for your sister? Who is hosting BIL & kids for Xmas? Who is supporting him on a day to day basis?

I'm sure they understand that this situation is of course upsetting for everyone and they won't hold it against OP. It's not like you can always help it either.

When my son was in hospital and wasn't expected to survive, we had family members come and see him. Several broke down and I never held it against them because it wasn't just about me, it was devasting for the entire family.

He did survive thankfully in the end but at that time, we were told it was incredibly unlikely but I never would've expected people to hide their emotions from me and again, it's not like it could be helped either. It's an impossible situation and no one ultimately can predict how they will react.