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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should my husband let me know when he’s coming home

49 replies

exhausteds · 01/12/2025 16:53

Husband is self employed and finishes work when ever he wants. He usually comes home around 4ish but sometimes can be earlier or later. I have adhd and love a routine so often ask in the morning what time he’s finishing today. I also like us too eat with baby if possible so like to know if we can all
eat as a family or not. He’s now decided that most men work till 5 or 6 so I should just expect that’s when he will be home and if he comes home
earlier at 3 or 4 ish I should just be grateful. He said to stop asking him for a rough time. I didn’t ask him this morning but messaged to ask if he had seen the ingredient we had for dinner as I couldn’t find it and he said we had some when I asked yesterday. We then realised we didn’t have any so he said he would grab some after work and we could all go to do the food shop at the same time instead of tomorrow. I said what time will you be back so I can get baby ready to go he said he had someone meeting him at 3 but once done would come back. It’s now 4.50 and baby needs dinner and bed in 1.5 hours so I’ve just messaged to say any update on time so I can decide if I feed baby before or after we go. He’s just replied I’m really busy just wait.

OP posts:

2Rebecca · 01/12/2025 16:55

It sounds as though you are keener on the dinner with baby thing than he is, most adults don't want to eat at 5pm so just give baby an early tea and have an adult dinner later.

Original poster

exhausteds · 01/12/2025 17:05

Baby has 7 bedtime normally so we eat at 6 sometimes he also likes to eat early as he has a hobby in the evenings on some days. I just don’t feel it’s that unreasonable to say I think I’ll be home at 4 or update and say I won’t make it home for 4 somethings come up etc. but maybe I am most my friends husbands work set hours so always come home around the same time every day.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 01/12/2025 17:07

Some jobs, you just can’t know when you’ll finish: stuff crops up and you have to stay and finish it.

He could have been more helpful/informative today but it’s clearly become an issue between you now and he was being stubborn.

I’d take charge more: tell him what you’re doing rather than ask him what he’s doing (i.e. “I’m going to feed baby now, so can you pick up x on your way home rather than all go out shopping. Thanks”.

Worktillate · 01/12/2025 17:08

I'll be honest OP, the constant checking would wind me up. He's told you by 6 o clock on an evening, so work on 6pm and anything else is a bonus.
He's a grown up, he doesn't need to check in.

Ablondiebutagoody · 01/12/2025 17:12

Your constant hassling would annoy the hell out of me. It's obviously not easy for him to predict his finish time. Let the guy work.

Flowers8989 · 01/12/2025 17:16

You sound super annoying. It sounds like he is out working and obviously you are home with baby waiting for him to get back. Just feed baby early and sort yours abd his tea whenever. You could just bung his in the microwave. Stop peatering the poor bloke!!

Graceybaby · 01/12/2025 17:17

I completely understand where you're coming from. I always ask my husband to give me a rough ETA (he usually calls and says 'im just popping to the suppliers then I'll be home, probably be around 30 minutes' that way I know when I should start to think about dinner etc, I also have a young child and routine is really important to him and me and when he was a baby routine was everything! If it was just us the yes I would probably be more carefree but with young children it's important to work as a unit.. and yes if my husbands late me and son will just go ahead and eat and my husband will eat when his home but it's always communicated. I think you should just have an honest conversation with him about how It makes you feel and what you need from him xx

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 01/12/2025 17:20

He’s obviously busy and said he will be home by 6, so just go by that and if he’s home early, it’s a bonus.

Graceybaby · 01/12/2025 17:22

Worktillate · 01/12/2025 17:08

I'll be honest OP, the constant checking would wind me up. He's told you by 6 o clock on an evening, so work on 6pm and anything else is a bonus.
He's a grown up, he doesn't need to check in.

Exactly his a grown up who should be able to communicate with his wife and mother of his child.. she's not pestering him she's simply asking for an ETA.. it's really not alot to ask for.

Keroppi · 01/12/2025 17:22

Well if he said expect him back for 5 or 6 then make tea ready by 5.30/6 and sit and eat with baby, if he's home then he is home if he's not then crack on with your evening. I wouldn't keep messaging for updates its annoying. If he wasnt feeling pestered perhaps he could message saying on the way home but thats a lot of effort to do each day.. sounds like he's working towards being home by 6 as his normal and earlier is a happy surprise?

If baby is fed bathed and in pj's and you go out its hardly a big deal, surely baby'll fall asleep in car or later on.

I wouldn't want to go do the food shop in the evening all together sounds boring, can't he put baby to bed when he gets home then you go out and do it? Or he just gets the thing you need for tea and do food shop tomorrow. Or better yet get it delivered or click and collect
Do you not drive? You could go out and pick up the thing you need for dinner with baby?

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 01/12/2025 17:25

Yanbu.

we both work but usually send each other a brief eta at some point. It’s just courtesy when you’re a family and working out who is home when and eating when etc.

Worktillate · 01/12/2025 17:26

Graceybaby · 01/12/2025 17:22

Exactly his a grown up who should be able to communicate with his wife and mother of his child.. she's not pestering him she's simply asking for an ETA.. it's really not alot to ask for.

Show quote history

All the time, it is a bit much
He’s at work trying to get shit done. He’s given her a timeframe to work with consistently, 5-6pm.
Why is being home earlier than that a problem that requires him to have to check in? If he was going to be later than 6 then fine, be considerate and let her know. But to have to advise he’s going to be earlier? Why??

Boomer55 · 01/12/2025 17:28

Do the baby’s dinner and then just ask DH to text or phone when he’s leaving work. Some jobs are hard to predict.

Walker1178 · 01/12/2025 17:36

Sorry OP, I’d find it really annoying too. My DP works shifts as a HGV driver, I have a rough idea of how long the routes take but we location share. Not for any stalker type stuff but if he’s expected home at a time we could likely eat dinner together I’ll check where he is before cooking. TBH though, now it’s winter weather I’ll throw something in the slow cooker early in the day, serve mine when I’m ready to eat and leave it on warm so he can dish up his when he’s home. Whilst it’s nice to sit down together sometimes it’s just not practical

HeneralClux · 01/12/2025 17:48

We've always done it like this- if DH isn't home by 6.30 we eat without him. He knows this is the deal and that way we don't wait around. Have been doing this for 14 years!

AwfullyGood · 01/12/2025 17:54

What you are doing/expecting wpuld drive most people crazy OP.

Have to tried other ways to mange it because the solution here needs to cone from you, not him.

Sugarsugarcane · 01/12/2025 17:58

Can see this from both sides so I don’t think either party is at fault, you need to find a way to make it work somehow.
be mindful of him shutting down your needs in general and making you feel like a squeaky wheel, it would be understandable if he responds to say something like ‘I know it must be tricky for you to juggle baby’s routine and stuff when you’re trying to include me but I genuinely can’t tell all the time when I’ll be back, I’ll let you know when I can’
and maybe you could do a ‘I know it must feel like I’m hassling you for etas all the time, I’m just finding it hard being home all day on my own with our baby and tbh like a bit of routine myself’

looking back, my husband (now ex) didn’t get it when the kids were young that it was quite lonely and suffocating but tbf he would always keep me updated if he was running late or anything, you’re meant to be a partnership.
it might help to organise some things for yourself like going to a family or friends for dinner once a week / inviting someone over for dinner / afternoon play date or whatever or seeing if your mum for instance wants to come along and both do your food shopping one evening then you’re not sat waiting.

Sugarsugarcane · 01/12/2025 18:01

Also to add (I’m sure alot of people will come at me for this) I do think a lot of Mumsnet responses to threads making out that the PP is super laid back and asks for nothing from anyone are more a reflection of how they’d like to portray themselves than what most of us would actually feel like in these situations.
you’re likely exhausted and you want your other half home to take some of the weight off or even just be there to have an adult conversation

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/12/2025 18:04

Stop hounding him, he’s working. You would drive me absolutely insane.

JLou08 · 01/12/2025 18:06

I'd find it really stressful if I was your DH. Texts when I'm busy trying to finish up for the day would just slow me down and I would never take my phone out to send a text during a meeting unless I needed to arrange someone else picking up DC. I agree with him saying expect him home 5/6 and any earlier is a bonus. I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH was complaining about me getting home early. It's my home too, I don't need to arrange the time I return to it.

jamcorrosion · 01/12/2025 18:09

He’s self employed and these thing aren’t always predictable. I grew up with a self employed dad and some days he would be working till after we were in bed.

I don’t think you should be asking him all the time cause he genuinely won’t know - and it’s going to cause frustration between you. It would annoy me if I was constantly being asked and I didn’t know.

Work off the assumption he will be home for 5.30 - if he’s not make him a plate and he can warm it up when he gets in.

Yes it’s nice to eat as a family but not always possible. If I were you I’d just crack on

Lottie6712 · 01/12/2025 18:13

I used to do this with my DH and it really stressed him out! We've agreed on the two days he works from home, he'll be "home" by 6 when I give our DC dinner and we all eat together. On the other three nights he works in the offic, he lets me know if he'll be later than 9pm and he can heat up dinner if he wants to and I eat with our DC at 6. I think asking him every day is probs really stressful for him and aiming to eat with the baby every day is lovely but probs a bit much xx

snoopythebeagle · 01/12/2025 18:14

It sounds like you're bored at home and desperate for adult company, whereas his focus is on his job and he's probably not thinking about you when he's out working. I know that might not be very nice to hear.

You don't need to know in advance when he'll be home just because you're going food shopping - just get on with whatever you want and go whenever he gets home.

Meadowfinch · 01/12/2025 18:14

Yabu

If a meeting over-runs, he'll be later, if an issue with work comes up he'll be later, if the traffic is heavy or it's very wet like tonight, or there is an accident he'll be late.

Leave him to work in peace. If you kept hounding me like that OP, I'd switch my phone off.

BauhausOfEliott · 01/12/2025 18:23

You sound very needy if you expect your husband to be l home mid-afternoon so you can all eat at a dinner time appropriate for a baby!

Your husband is a grown adult with a business to run. Of course he’s not going to be coming home by 4pm every day. Hardly anybody with a full time job is going to be eating dinner by 5pm and texting him to pester him is tiresome for him.

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