Should my husband let me know when he’s coming home

[exhausteds]

Husband is self employed and finishes work when ever he wants. He usually comes home around 4ish but sometimes can be earlier or later. I have adhd and love a routine so often ask in the morning what time he’s finishing today. I also like us too eat with baby if possible so like to know if we can all
eat as a family or not. He’s now decided that most men work till 5 or 6 so I should just expect that’s when he will be home and if he comes home
earlier at 3 or 4 ish I should just be grateful. He said to stop asking him for a rough time. I didn’t ask him this morning but messaged to ask if he had seen the ingredient we had for dinner as I couldn’t find it and he said we had some when I asked yesterday. We then realised we didn’t have any so he said he would grab some after work and we could all go to do the food shop at the same time instead of tomorrow. I said what time will you be back so I can get baby ready to go he said he had someone meeting him at 3 but once done would come back. It’s now 4.50 and baby needs dinner and bed in 1.5 hours so I’ve just messaged to say any update on time so I can decide if I feed baby before or after we go. He’s just replied I’m really busy just wait.

I’d take him at his word and plan my day accordingly with an ETA of 5:30. If I needed stuff, I’d go buy it when I need it, if he’s late and his dinner is cold/you’ve already eaten, tough titties, if he’s early and you’re not home/in the middle of something/ dinner not ready, again tough titties.

Make yourself a routine independent of him. Just because you’re at home, doesn’t mean you have to stand around waiting for him.

Sure, she might want that, but that doesn’t mean it’s reasonable to expect to have it. In reality, if your job is staying home with a baby, you have to get on with that while your partner’s doing their job during normal working hours, whether you’re bored and exhausted or not.

Out of curiosity, him deciding to get home at 5/6 because that’s what other men do … does that mean he’s working all that time or is he still finishing early and occupying himself otherwise?

I do understand, your ND makes you want to be able to plan and schedule but you are being a bit unreasonable.

My DH is police, so when my kids were babies I knew what time his shift finished and more often than not he'd be late due to a late arrest or incident.

I am also a person who loves a schedule. So, I just got on with MY schedule. Babies had dinner by 5pm, and went to bed between 6pm & 6.30pm. If DH was home in time to see baby, great. If not, we'll, can't be helped.

I would make our dinner and keep his in the microwave if he wasn't home for it.

Your need for DH to message you constant updates is not practical, shit happens and if he is in a meeting its not like he can text.

Your best approach is to have your schedule and he fits around it.

We share a car so I couldn’t go out myself to shop. I use the bus when he has the car but it was dark and stormy. we had no food in except the meat part of the meal which I had cooked already. he said we had the certain part we needed to go with it when last doing a shop but we didn’t. I said I could put the meat in the fridge once cooked and Deliveroo us something different but he said no we can go when I’m home at 4.ish. So I got the baby readyish to leave. I often spend a few days of the week out the house as much as possible as he’s a much easier baby/ toddler when out. It’s annoying though when I’ve planned to be out all day and he comes home early and enjoys the house to himself or I come home and he’s watching tv. Had he not said he would pick me up at a certain time today I probably wouldn’t be so annoyed. I have no other help with the baby except him and yes sometimes I’m wishing away the final couple of hours until I can get some help. I’m also chronically unwell which isn’t helping. I just envy my friends whose husbands come home at 5 every night. He’s also terrible at mornings so leaves late for work most days as he’s still home pottering about when I’ve left for baby class etc. if he went in earlier he wouldn’t have to work as late some nights. He’s also early home on nights he has a hobby. I know he’s self employed and working 7 days a week with long hours is expected but I’m drowning. Baby starts nursery in January two days a week so I won’t be complaining come then. But I also don’t feel a text early afternoon to day I’ll be home around 4 or I’ll be home around 5 is that much of a big deal.

I understand - you want him to make an effort to get himself into a routine because it would help with your own planning.

The question I have is, “does his job necessitate flexible working hours, or is this more a reflection of a permanent state of disorganization?” If the former, then rattling off a message to say he is done for the day does not seem a big ask. If the latter, then you have more structural problems and I think he may push back against attempts to manage his life.

What you do next with him depends upon the response to the above question. Regarding yourself, I would simply live my life as if he did not exist and let him slot in when it suited me. If th oh bugs did not improve over time, I would be looking to leave permanently.

A question you really need to ask yourself (and him as well) is if he can reasonably KNOW when he's going to be able to leave for the day in order to give you the heads-up you want.

For example - my family has a housecleaning business. We've had it since the early 90s, I grew up working in the family business. We don't have set hours, because we're the bosses/owners and if something goes amiss, it's on us. Also because it's housecleaning, our employees/teams don't all arrive back at the office/aren't all done with their days at the same time each day. Sometimes we stay at the office until 7pm waiting for the last teams to get in (traffic affects this as well.) If a client calls in with a request as we're getting ready to lock up, we are going to be there longer. So I could never tell you an exact time when I'd be getting home, and even if I told you one day "looks like it'll be around 5", there are a million things that could happen that could delay me at the office (especially since it's a family business, I can't just pass it off to a co-worker) that would mean I wouldn't be able to make that 5pm time I'd originally promised.

I'm not saying your DH is in the same kind of situation as I don't know what kind of work he does or what his self-employment is - but that's how it is for me. It was hard for me to hang out with my friends when I was in my 20s, because most of them had jobs that were regular 9-5 jobs and they would absolutely be off work at 5 and able to hang out. I would try to arrange to be done with work at the same time on days we planned to hang out, but a lot of times things would come up (e.g., one of our fleet cars would break down and I'd need to go out with the jumper cables, etc.) A lot of my friends got understandably frustrated and my friendships faded.

It was the same with my boyfriend - we'd try to meet for dinner or have a date, and I could never be sure I'd be able to get out of work on time. Dates got cancelled quite often. I know it can be really frustrating for the person on the receiving end.

I'd ask your DH if that's the situation - is it difficult for him to give you a heads-up on when he'll be home due to the unstable nature of whatever his job is? If that's the case, you need to firmly set down some boundaries to let him know that you and baby CANNOT "just wait" for him to get home whenever he is going to get home - if you need to run errands at xyz time because baby eats at abc time, you can't wait for DH to come home way past xyz time just because he WANTS to run the errands with you.

Does he need the car for work once he's there? Or can you drop him off so then you have it and can at least go out and about this winter?

You can chat together over a meal once baby in bed and try and have a compromise as it isn't fair he comes home early and sits on his arse and doesn't tell you, or comes home early just for a hobby. Maybe you might want a hobby too so he needs to be back on time for something.
Perhaps this is indicative of the larger household and childcare burden you're holding and needs readdressing before you resent him - you need time out too. 7 days a week work is really tricky and you need to assert your own needs before he just assumes your default role is to do everything for his Super Important Job - the whole point of self employed is flexibility around life

I agree with husband. Assume he’ll be home by 5.30pm and make your meal for this time. If he’s home earlier, great. If not, eat without him. If he’s running really late, say 7pm, then it would be common courtesy to let you know. Most people have regular- ish work times, so assume your husband does too.

If he's never home later than 6 then I can't see a big deal.

Yes it was annoying that he was later than he said he was going to be when you had plans but I wouldn't get too wound up if it was a one off. Could he not grab the ingredient on the way?

My husband works specific shifts but stuff does run late all the time. My husband just calls me when he's actually leaving so I know he'll be about half an hour.

I do understand that you're frustrated but honestly I think his "assume I'll be home for 6" plan is the best way forward.

I don't think it's an issue that he sometimes finishes early when you're out. That's just life.

I would (and do) eat at a set time with kids if dh is home he eats with us if not he reheats his when he gets in.
You can have your own routine but it’s a bit unfair to make your dh work to it and may not be feasible for him. But equally you shouldnt wait around until he decides to come home.
We eat at 530.

Also why shouldn’t he enjoy a chill out if you and baby are out? Unless there’s jobs to be done?

Just let him make dinner whenever he gets home?

We do eat together usually as a family around 5.30-6, so i get it.

However, if it’s an issue for you with DH not letting you know when he will be back, i would say lessen your stress by having dinner with your baby and informing DH that he will need to sort his own dinner.

My DH had lots of oddness at work that could not be on a schedule, he is a scientist. It could mean he was running some test tube thing till 2am, or something on the boil as I used to call it that would be running for 12 hours, plus a shocking commute. The agreement was he would ring as he was leaving but I would cook and eat when I wanted. He also used to have to bugger off all over the world. Maybe for 2 days or 2 weeks but that was at least with notice. Though on one spectacular occasion he forgot to tell me he was going to Poland for 3 days the next day.

I remember friends and work colleagues being aghast but it hardly bothered me at all except the Poland incident I do remember a big row about that, but that’s me and not you. We have retired now and it’s quite weird knowing where he is.

If he says always by 6 expect 6 but take earlier as a bonus. Baby years are harder for many, some babies are harder to deal with. I had one chill baby and one baby from hell as my friend called DS. But I had time away from my babies doing stuff as DH took over. Sounds like one issue is you and baby are together 24/7.

My DH is massively unreliable with timings and very optimistic about how long jobs will take so now I track him on find my friends and carry on without him if he’s not going to be on time.

I can see both sides here. The OP just wants to know “the plan”. It doesn’t matter what time he comes home, she just wants an idea when it will be so she can plan accordingly.

Perhaps it’s an adhd thing. I’m exactly the same. I don’t want someone coming home unexpectedly, I find it unsettling but a text to say I’ll be back in 30 minutes is fine. Gives me a chance to “transition”

I’d say he prioritises what matters to him. And that’s work and his hobby, and it also sounds like getting home early when he knows you and baby are not there. I hope you’re planning on going back to work so you have some financial independence.

As someone who is also ND I get this too (the need for routine and the help with transitions) but I also accept that it’s my “issue” to manage, not my DH’s.

I think there are two separate issues here:

1. wanting to know when your DH will be home each day
2. him saying he will be home to go shopping before dinner, then not being.

I don't think it is unreasonable to be annoyed if you make a plan for dinner which involves shopping before dinner then DH doesn't turn up. Esp if you have a baby to consider in that dinner plan and you didn't have enough food to actually make dinner.

I also don't think its unreasonable to have a time to expect DH home most days. BUT it obvious his work is a bit all over the place in a finish time which makes it harder. In your case I would have a 'I'll be home at xx time' routine for every day (decide the most common time DH comes home). Plan your routine with the baby around that. If he is home earlier all good. Later, don't wait for him to do anything. Have dinner and get baby ready for bed as normal. He can sort himself out when he gets back.
We have a routine depending on if it is a office or WFH day for DH or a gym evening for DH. All I ask is DH tells me office or WFH day. I know 'normally' what times he is home those days and plan around that. If he is later, he deals with himself. Earlier it just makes my life easier.
Its nice to eat as a family but in reality it is really hard. We manage probably half the week together. The other half one of us eats with the kids the other eats later.

I think you have a point, but realistically most people work until 5:30/6p.m. Sometimes the OP's husband finishes earlier, which is a bonus but not to be expected, and from the sounds of things it should have no impact on when they eat. The OP should simply expect him home at 6 and plan dinner accordingly. I realise she wants a hand and adult company, but he is working. If he gets home earlier then great - but it doesn't need to alter the dinner plan.

I can see it from both sides to be honest - if I were you I'd remove the stress of the situation by organising dinner to suit you and you child and letting him know if he wants to join you. It doesn't sound like he is routinely out late so I would assume he would often be there by default anyway.

I fear that the guy has checked out, too.

You don’t say what your husband does but if he works in people’s homes I doubt very much he can ‘finish whenever he wants’.
My DH is a (retired) electrician. When he was self employed his finish time depended on lots of variables and was often difficult to predict even on the day. Furniture had to be moved, carpets lifted etc then all cleared up and left safe before he could leave. If a job was an hour off finishing he wouldn’t be coming back the next day moving furniture and carpets again, he would crack on and finish. Maybe your DH is in the same scenario?